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hungryhamster

Bride Price Concerns

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: China
Timeline

Hi Everyone,

I just submitted my I-129F packet for the K1 fiancé visa a couple days ago and during my latest webcam session with my partner the topic of Bride Price was discussed again. I asked about this a long time ago with her to understand this better about her parents' expectations, but she said she didn't know and left it at that. On the latest session, however, she started talking about ceremony banquet cost in her hometown and giving me a figure expectations of the Bride Price of 30,000 USD. I am not rich by any means and never advertised myself that way, but to me this is kind of high. I'm afraid this is also a figure she is asking and not her parents and it feels selfish.

Can anyone share their own experience of Bride Price? I want to invest my savings towards a house and for the future. I also would like to have a decent wedding for my family to share in the experience too over in my own country (the banquet in China will only be her side of the family), but giving in to this demand is making me weary. In my own family's custom, both families pay part of the cost of ceremony and the wedding, but I feel like I'm expected to pay for everything and I feel I'm being taken advantage of (I'm sad to say this about my future life partner). Am I being unreasonable? I do want to respect her culture's tradition, but this is just getting me down. If I go through with this, I would have to make sacrifices in other things (i.e. the wedding cost flexibility here, take a little larger mortgage loan).

Edited by hungryhamster

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Mexico
Timeline

Hi Everyone,

I just submitted my I-129F packet for the K1 fiancé visa a couple days ago and during my latest webcam session with my partner the topic of Bride Price was discussed again. I asked about this a long time ago with her to understand this better about her parents' expectations, but she said she didn't know and left it at that. On the latest session, however, she started talking about ceremony banquet cost in her hometown and giving me a figure expectations of the Bride Price of 30,000 USD. I am not rich by any means and never advertised myself that way, but to me this is kind of high. I'm afraid this is also a figure she is asking and not her parents and it feels selfish.

Can anyone share their own experience of Bride Price? I want to invest my savings towards a house and for the future. I also would like to have a decent wedding for my family to share in the experience too over in my own country (the banquet in China will only be her side of the family), but giving in to this demand is making me weary. In my own family's custom, both families pay part of the cost of ceremony and the wedding, but I feel like I'm expected to pay for everything and I feel I'm being taken advantage of (I'm sad to say this about my future life partner). Am I being unreasonable? I do want to respect her culture's tradition, but this is just getting me down. If I go through with this, I would have to make sacrifices in other things (i.e. the wedding cost flexibility here, take a little larger mortgage loan).

You are 100% correct in thinking about your future. What is more important? Financial flexibility in the first few years of your marriage or a glorified birthday party that will only STRESS out your wife? Did I forget to mention this $30,000 they expect to spend of your hard earned monwy will last one day? Find out what you can afford to spend and you will end up spending more than that. So the answer is no in your case. Tell her she needs to find a way to cut the budget in half before even discussing wedding plans. It is your money and your future. Part of being married is working together on budgets, so you are getting great experience first hand in that.


K1 Visa Event Date Service Center : Texas Service Center Transferred? No Consulate : Juarez, Mexico

I-129F: Sent 9/5/2014

I-129F: Arrived at Lewisville 9/8/2014

I-129F: NOA1 Text message/mail 9/11/2014

I-129F: Alien Registration Number Changed 9/16/2014

I-129F: Request to correct on document or notice assigned to an officer for response 10/25/2014

I-129F: Name Change request made 10/31/2014

I-129F: Crickets as of today

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Oh yeah, you are expected to pay bride price (dowry) like this!

d446373.jpg

Just kidding...

What is your fiancee's education level? Is she holding a decent job in China and will probably find a similar position here in US when she comes over?

Sorry to sound calculative here, but you should somehow gauge how much she is able to contribute for both your future together and if you are mentally able to accept it or not.

As per Chinese Traditions, bride price is expected during wedding but $30,000 USD is way too much, or she is talking in RMB 30,000 (about USD5,000)?

And the groom side pays for the bride side wedding banquet (hopefully that she is not asking for grand one ).

My family did not ask for bride price because my mom understands that it is not western culture. My hub said I should pay him for marry me instead :P

We just had a small intimate wedding in US, no point spending too much on banquet.

You should communicate your thoughts and feelings about the bride price to your fiancee and see if both of you can reach a compromise.

Perhaps she is under pressure from her parents (Chinese obsession of saving face).

Have you met her parents yet?


Done with K1, AOS and ROC

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Done with K1, AOS and ROC

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Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: China
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Hi Everyone,

I just submitted my I-129F packet for the K1 fiancé visa a couple days ago and during my latest webcam session with my partner the topic of Bride Price was discussed again. I asked about this a long time ago with her to understand this better about her parents' expectations, but she said she didn't know and left it at that. On the latest session, however, she started talking about ceremony banquet cost in her hometown and giving me a figure expectations of the Bride Price of 30,000 USD. I am not rich by any means and never advertised myself that way, but to me this is kind of high. I'm afraid this is also a figure she is asking and not her parents and it feels selfish.

Can anyone share their own experience of Bride Price? I want to invest my savings towards a house and for the future. I also would like to have a decent wedding for my family to share in the experience too over in my own country (the banquet in China will only be her side of the family), but giving in to this demand is making me weary. In my own family's custom, both families pay part of the cost of ceremony and the wedding, but I feel like I'm expected to pay for everything and I feel I'm being taken advantage of (I'm sad to say this about my future life partner). Am I being unreasonable? I do want to respect her culture's tradition, but this is just getting me down. If I go through with this, I would have to make sacrifices in other things (i.e. the wedding cost flexibility here, take a little larger mortgage loan).

I have an easy answer for you.

If she demand Bride Price because its Chinese custom,

then you explain to her that

it's US customs that bride's family pay for the wedding.

I just google-ed "average wedding cost in san francisco", and I get this at the top.

Average Wedding Cost in San Francisco, CA (County) Couples that live in or travel to San Francisco, CA (County) spend between $27,830 and$46,384 on average for their wedding. However, most couples spend between $10,000 - $19,999.

Get the hint?

Basically, if you handle this properly, it should be a wash.


10-04-2013 We met online
11-21-2013 We met in person in Shanghai for 2 weeks

12-13-2013 I-129F packet sent via express

12-19-2013 USCIS NOA #1 (text and email) received

12-24-2013 USCIS assigns Alien Registration Number
12-31-2013 USCIS NOA #1 hard copy received
06-02-2014 USCIS web site shows NOA #2 approval
06-06-2014 USCIS web site shows case sent to NVC

06-xx-2014 Fiancee acquired birth, marriage, and police certificates from local police station (wrong)

06-16-2014 NVC creates case with GUZ### number

06-19-2014 NVC sends case sent to Guangzhou, China
06-24-2014 Received packet 3 express mail from embassy
06-25-2014 Completed DS-160 and paid K1 visa fee

06-26-2014 Mailed packet 3 response back to Embassy

06-26-2014 Requested police certificate from Russian embassy

07-08-2014 Received packet 4 email from Embassy

07-17-2014 Picked up Russian police certificate

07-25-2014 Fiancee medical exam (received MMR & Varicella, but they missed required TD shot)

07-31-2014 Picked up medical exam reports

08-01-2014 Request (correct) birth, marriage, and police certificates from Notarial Service (GongZhengChu)

08-06-2014 Picked up birth, marriage, and police certificates from Notarial Service

08-14-2014 Passed Interview Guangzhou embassy

09-01-2014 Received passport, visa, & sealed envelope

09-13-2014 POE

09-17-2014 Went to CBP office to get (US entry) I-94 updated correctly

09-18-2014 Applied for Social Security Card
09-19-2014 Applied for Marriage License (via online)
09-25-2014 Received Social Security Card
09-30-2014 Picked up Marriage License
10-09-2014 Marriage by Justice of Peace
10-09-2014 Got Certified Marriage Certificate Copies
10-17-2014 Received a letter from SS office that they need the marriage license
10-09-2014 Applied to change the social security card name
10-24-2014 Went back to SS office to provide the marriage certificate documents again!!!
12-09-2014 Submitted AOS, EAD, and AP
12-16-2014 Received 16 emails and 16 text NOA messages
01-05-2015 Received Biometrics appointment letter for (01-12-2015)
01-12-2015 Had Biometrics (fingerprint & picture) - Required Marriage Certificate!!!
02-17-2015 EAD and AP is approved
02-23-2015 Received AP is approval letter
02-25-2015 Received EAD/AP combo card (expires 02/16/2016)
02-27-2015 Applied for SS card name change (they took her SS card)
02-27-2015 Driver's learner permit test was denied since the SS card was given to SS office for name change
03-17-2015 Received SS card with married name
03-17-2015 Started to change all her accounts to married name
03-23-2015 Received potential interview waiver letter
03-27-2015 DMV rejects learner's permit due to "legal status=pending" and vision test failure
04-05-2015 Vision test for learner's permit
04-06-2015 DPS sent us letter that DHS cleared my wife's status to acquire driver's license.
04-10-2015 Passed Driver Learner's Permit
04-22-2015 Received Driver Learner's Permit ID card (expires 02/16/2016)
08-27-2015 Green Card approved
08-31-2015 Received Green Card "Welcome Notice Was Mailed" letter
09-05-2015 Received Green card
10-26-2015 Passed Driver's License Road Test (on 3rd attempt)
11-03-2015 Received Driver's License (expires 02/16/2022)
11-06-2015 Applied to remove conditional work remark on SS card
11-23-2015 Received updated Social Security Card.
- - - - - - - - - - Pending Future Processing - - - - - - - - - -
05-27-2017 File 10 Year Green Card
08-27-2017 2 Year Green Card Expires
05-27-2018 File USC

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: China
Timeline

You are 100% correct in thinking about your future. What is more important? Financial flexibility in the first few years of your marriage or a glorified birthday party that will only STRESS out your wife? Did I forget to mention this $30,000 they expect to spend of your hard earned monwy will last one day? Find out what you can afford to spend and you will end up spending more than that. So the answer is no in your case. Tell her she needs to find a way to cut the budget in half before even discussing wedding plans. It is your money and your future. Part of being married is working together on budgets, so you are getting great experience first hand in that.

I have worked hard on my money, yes. However, she has the habit of pointing out "traditional" male / female roles when it conveniences her including this scenario ("man should take care of woman"). I'm still trying to find a way to compromise with her on this at the moment.

What is your fiancee's education level? Is she holding a decent job in China and will probably find a similar position here in US when she comes over?

Sorry to sound calculative here, but you should somehow gauge how much she is able to contribute for both your future together and if you are mentally able to accept it or not.

As per Chinese Traditions, bride price is expected during wedding but $30,000 USD is way too much, or she is talking in RMB 30,000 (about USD5,000)?

And the groom side pays for the bride side wedding banquet (hopefully that she is not asking for grand one ).

My family did not ask for bride price because my mom understands that it is not western culture. My hub said I should pay him for marry me instead :P

We just had a small intimate wedding in US, no point spending too much on banquet.

You should communicate your thoughts and feelings about the bride price to your fiancee and see if both of you can reach a compromise.

Perhaps she is under pressure from her parents (Chinese obsession of saving face).

Have you met her parents yet?

She is college educated, but I guess she makes only average or less in China standards as she basically lives paycheck to paycheck (no savings). The company she works for has a global presence, but her English writing comprehension and a grasp understanding of the United States market logic will require class coursework to get a comparable job here first. The market she would pursue here I think will be difficult, so I'm expecting to be the sole income earner for the first number of years unless she takes something in the meantime outside of her field. She also wants to have child[ren] early on.

As to the requested Bride Price, she did confirm 30,000 USD. When I had originally tried to clarify this as 30,000 RMB she said I was crazy. She has a habit of trying to use her friends as comparables and tried to justify that some of her friends was larger. I'm applying for a fiancé Visa, so we will have the Wedding and a banquet with my family here in the States. I don't mind helping out to a degree on the banquet / ceremony cost over in China too, but it sounds like I'm expecting to fit the bill for both without any support. This feels like a slap in the face.

I know there is some "saving face" involved as she showed a number of weddings through video samples she participated in which were elaborate, but keep in mind both sides of the family were in these venues. Unfortunately none (or hardly any) of my side of the family will be able to participate in the ceremony in China. I also do not want to "bankrupt" myself from this single event much like the stories I've heard of in Chinese weddings in the past just to impress or outdo others.

Lastly, I have met her parents in person (albeit our communication is limited due to language barrier). They seem to be down to earth and humble in nature. I think a lot of the declaration on the Bride Price is from her directly, which to my knowledge is not for her to dictate.

Thank you for the list too. I did a search on Google and was trying to reference this to a degree when I told her the Bride Price is higher than what I've heard in her province.

I have an easy answer for you.

If she demand Bride Price because its Chinese custom,

then you explain to her that

it's US customs that bride's family pay for the wedding.

I just google-ed "average wedding cost in san francisco", and I get this at the top.

Average Wedding Cost in San Francisco, CA (County) Couples that live in or travel to San Francisco, CA (County) spend between $27,830 and$46,384 on average for their wedding. However, most couples spend between $10,000 - $19,999.

Get the hint?

Basically, if you handle this properly, it should be a wash.

My family's tradition typically is shared cost at the wedding, so I cannot declare the bride's family to pay for the wedding. My family doesn't apply any form of Bride Price, so this is new territory for me. I know she doesn't make much money (my work bonus alone is greater than her annual salary) and her parents aren't rich either, but I wish she didn't think I am a money tree either. I've always been a bit reserved on my spending habits, but I also know she has certain desires for probably one of the most important times in her life. I really want this to be something memorable too, but I want this to be approached sensibly and hopefully together.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Wales
Timeline

My family tradition where a bride price is required includes a similar sized dowry.

Problem solved.


“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

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Not a good scenary for you. Here's my advice: Just runaway.

Regards.


 

event.png
 

 

Nov/28/2017 -- Mailed I- 751 ROC to USCIS Vermont Service Center via USPS.

Nov/30/2017 -- Package was delivered in USCIS Vermont Service Center via USPS.                                                                       

Dec/04/2017 --  Fee check cash out.  

Dec/07/2017 --  NOA 1 with December 01/2017 as the date.

Dec/23/2017 --  Biometrics letter dated December 15/2017 and appointment scheduled 01/02/2018 at 10 am. 

Jan/02/2018 --  Biometrics appointment at 10 am.      

Aug/11/2018 --  NOA 18 months extension letter dated Aug/06/2018   from Vermont Service Center.    

Feb/25/2018 -- Case received at local office (USCIS tracker- no letter not e-mail) 

Feb/27/2018 -- Case received at local office (USCIS tracker- no letter not e-mail) 

Jan/30/2019 -- Case Approved. New card is being produced (DHS- USCIS website & USCIS tracker)     

Feb/04/2019 --  Received  letter with Approval notice 1-797 (notice date Jan 30/2019).

Feb/05/2019 -- Green card in hand! 

                                                                                                          

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: China
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Sounds like a gold digger my man. I have been with my fiancee for 3 years now, I have met her parents several times. We have discussed our wedding regularly and she has never mentioned a bride price or once asked me for money. That is crazy, I would seriously rethink your relationship, you don't deserve to be taken advantage of.

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USD 30,000 dowry is reasonable if the fiancee is super model or OP is Chen Guang Biao :rolleyes:
Why should OP bankrupt himself so that she could satisfy her materialistic behavior (someone who has NO savings, living paycheck from paycheck).
That USD 30,000 is better off as savings for rainy days or down payment for a new house.

I have worked hard on my money, yes. However, she has the habit of pointing out "traditional" male / female roles when it conveniences her including this scenario ("man should take care of woman"). I'm still trying to find a way to compromise with her on this at the moment.

I found this bold statement a red flag.

What else does she has to contribute in the relationship, if OP is going to be sole income earner in the future?

She seems to be looking for safe harbor so that she does not have to work hard in life.

OP should just call her bluff. Thanks her for the good time together, wish her the best.

If she truly values her relationship with OP, she would reach a compromise with OP.


Done with K1, AOS and ROC

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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: China
Timeline

30,000 USD is ridiculous. My fiancée is from the Henan province. Her parents are in their late 70's so I thought it would be nice to give them something. My fiancée said 10,000 RMB would be enough and that her parents will just spend the money buying things for my fiancée. It is my fiancée's second marriage so maybe that plays a part in it. I assume that this is your fiancee's first marriage, but still, some, not all, Chinese people assume that all Americans are rich and can easily pay so much money and still have money to buy a house, car, health insurance and so on. 30,000 RMB makes more sense, even 50,000 would be ok, but over 180,000 RMB? Wow!

Edit: punctuation

Edited by Mike and Yaoling

2014-05-12 I-129F Mailed
2014-05-21 NOA1:
2014-05-29 (ARN) Alien Registration Number
2014-08-11 Transfer (TSC to CSC)
2014-09-23 RFE:
2014-11-04 Denial of I-129f :cry:
2014-11-25 Married in Zhengzhou, Henan, China! (L):luv:
2015-01-08 I-130 Mailed (FedEx)
2015-01-12 I-130 Received by Chicago lockbox
2015-01-15 I-130 Check cleared bank
2015-01-13 I-130 NOA1 (Nebraska)
2015-04-17 I-130 NOA2 :dancing:
2015-04-20 Sent to NVC
2015-04-23 Received by NVC

y1OKm6.png

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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: China
Timeline

I didn't pay my in-laws a bride price, and they probably wouldn't have accepted even if I'd offered, but according to my wife, most of it is supposed to come back to the couple either through the wedding or to buy things for the new couple's life together.


07/14/2012: Eloped in Texas Hill Country
08/11/2012: Mailed I-130, I-485, and I-765 to Chicago Lockbox
08/13/2012: Package received by Chicago Lockbox
08/14/2012: Priority Date
08/17/2012: Notice of receipt sent
08/21/2012: Biometrics appointment notice sent
08/27/2012: Walk-in biometrics completed
09/19/2012: Interview scheduled for October 26
10/24/2012: EAD production ordered
10/26/2012: Interview in San Antonio. AOS approved!
11/5/2012: USCIS claims green card delivered, nothing in mailbox.
12/5/2012: Service request filed for non-delivered green card.
12/7/2012: Service request replied to (but not delivered).
1/4/2013: Filed I-90, paid another $450
1/24/2013: Biometrics again...
4/1/2013: First Green Card from November finally arrived...

4/22/2013: Replacement Green Card arrived.

8/9/2014: Filed I-751

8/14/2014: Received NOA for I-751

3/12/2015: ROC Approved!

7/18/2016: Sent in N-400 to Texas lockbox

7/21/2016: N-400 delivered

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: China
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Chinese gender preference for boys, selective abortions, and abandonment of girls has finally made them a high value commodity.

I didn't pay a bride price, and I think you'd be crazy to do so if its not in your culture or not reciprocated. While this has largely changed with modern western couples who share wedding expenses, its generally our tradition for the bride's family to pay for the wedding. I think you should request that you had dream of the Steve Miller band to play your wedding and their appearance fee is 45K.


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