how to deal with feeling sad?

[otter~ 17]

hey everyone, this is quite a sad topic for me but some of you have already been through this whole thing, or are going through it at the same time as me. so i was wondering if anyone could help me with my feelings that i have?

me and my fiancé are both 19, and i am currently still living at home with my family. i have met all of my fiancé's family and friends, and i have had a fantastic time every time i visited. i get along with all of them and they have kindly offered to help us out 'til i get on my feet, so to speak, and am allowed to work in the US so that my fiancé and i will be able to live comfortably, as well as letting us know they're always there to help us if we come into any difficulty.

so i am, of course, very very excited to be with my fiancé again. all of you here know the feelings of being apart, and reading all your stories of how you made it through this journey is so inspiring and brings a smile to my face, and for those of you going through this journey at the same time as me, i always check the I-129f filers threads crossing my fingers for you all to be approved as soon as possible so that you can be happily reunited with your partners. i really do.

however, my family...are understandably very upset, and even though they try their best to put on brave faces when they talk to me, i know they aren't taking this very well. there are all sorts of feelings floating around like, them feeling inadequate compared to my fiancé's family (my family aren't as wealthy, etc) them thinking i am just going to never visit home, etc.. don't get me wrong, they've been very supportive of me through this whole process (my mum is even offering to pay for my medical, my dad is going to drive me to london for my interview, family giving me money to help me at christmas) but i just have this horrible feeling of like, i don't know...guilt? i didn't want to hurt anybody by doing this, or make anyone feel like they're not important to me.

i love my family, we have our problems but so does everybody. i try to tell them i love them and reassure them that i appreciate everything they've done for me and that i have had a wonderful childhood even though we're not the most wealthy or whatever. they always did their best for me and tried to help me with school and made sure i had birthday parties and took me to the airport even though they were probably hurting on the inside that their daughter was flying half the world away from them. and then like, my pets. i have two cats. one of them that likes to hang out in my room a lot. i know it seems silly to care so much but i am so sad that they won't ever understand where i went? and that they'll forget me or whatever..

because i live at home, i'm going to leave alot of my stuff behind. going to give my stuff away to siblings, like my old computer and my guitar, things that are too heavy to bring. i'll bring a few things that remind me of home, and hopefully i'll get a nice family photograph to bring with me. that way i won't be leaving it as an empty room that would feel like i was never there. i've spent a long time in person with my fiancé and his family, i know i'll be fine eventually, it will be the happiest day of my life when i marry him and i won't have to leave him anymore. i just know i will probably be homesick for a long time. and i just hope that everyone is going to be okay. i'll call home every day, i'll skype, i'll send letters and gifts. and i'll make sure we or i visit whenever i can afford to/once i have AP/my green card and what not.

i know this post was extremely long and it upset me a lot to write it. but i needed to write down my feelings. it's hard to talk about this with my fiancé because i don't want him to feel horrible or guilty for me being away from family, and hard to talk to my family because i know they get upset. i'm also sorry if i posted this in the wrong place, and that this post is a lot of rambling on. i just wondered how you guys overcome leaving home and leaving people behind? how did you make it easier for them?

if you read this, then thankyou. and i hope it didn't make you sad ^^; i'll return to being my usual self bein all positive and what not haha. xD

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

The whole thing is daunting, isn't it? I know you don't want to hear you're young, but you are still a teen so haven't had a chance to strike out on you own or endure some of the challenges a longer life throws at you. So this a colossal huge deal when you haven't been toughened up by ages and ages of experience. Of course your Mum hates for her darling to leave the nest...especially since it's so far away. But it sounds like you have been very thoughtful to them and really are doing all you can. They are going to be sad no matter what, yet I am sure also happy too that you have found love and are grown up now. Don't feel guilty about becoming your own woman. It's your time to bloom.

When you get to the states, make sure you communicate your feelings to your husband and his family. They will probably be jumping through themselves to make you feel welcome and happy. When they see you sad, let them know it is nothing to do with them and you love them dearly. They might feel like they are failing or your husband may think you don't love him anymore. My husband acted out of sorts at first and I was exhausting myself trying to do more and more for him and making myself sad too. I thought maybe he was sorry he came. What relief when he finally said he just felt a bit like a fish out of water at times because he hadn't figured out how everything works here. At home, he knew where to get items for fixing things like Curry's, Wicks, HomeBase, B&Q and he just got overwhelmed with all the new things to figure out. Whew! It wasn't me. I was happy. So let them know...try to verbalized when you are blue.

It's a process and an adventure to feel at home in a new place. Give it your best shot knowing there will be many ups and downs.

Edited December 21, 2013 by Nich-Nick

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

First things first... nice name!

I'm in a similar situation to you emotionally, although I'm a little older and don't live with my parents. It's hard for my parents to deal with thoughts of me leaving (we are close) and to be honest I feel guilty for leaving sometimes. I worry about them growing older and me not being there and how much it will cost them to visit me as regularly as they'd like. My parents have been very supportive and they really like my USC wife but I know my mum regularly gets upset when she thinks of me being 3000 miles away. I'm going to miss them a lot too but I've found it hard communicating that with them, because it's me that's leaving,

I haven't moved yet so I can't offer advice on how to deal with the move but one thing that made it easier for my parents to accept was them flying over for the wedding and seeing my wife's house and city. For them, seeing a little bit of how I'll be living was really comforting, it's less of an unknown for them. Keep your parents involved with your new life, it'll help them feel closer to you. I've also promised to Skype with them regularly and send letters and everything. Hopefully they'll be able to visit at least once a year too and I can fly home. As Nich-Nick says definitely communicate with your fiancé about your feelings, he's the other half of your life now and if he knows that you are apprehensive and sad then he'll be able to offer you support. Bottling up your feelings will just make you miserable.

I hope sharing your feelings on here helped, sometimes it's good to get them out in a place full of people who are going through the same experience. Friends/family can have lots of empathy but if they haven't moved thousands of miles away for love they'll never really understand will they? So this place is useful for that. I hope that the move goes well for you and if you are struggling at any point then I'm sure there will be lots of empathy and positive suggestions for you on VJ.

Merry Christmas!

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

I'm the American, but I did move to Denmark and have moved far away from family before (and will again soon).

I think the feelings of guilt will ease with time and while it will be sad, part of adulthood is sometimes these great separations from family. I'd let your family know that you feel guilty about leaving them, it will help ease their pain as well.

It is nice to have things from your home country around, but try to really integrate yourself, it will assist in getting over the homesickness. The more beyond a certain level that you hold onto your old culture, the more homesick you will get.

Totally don't be afraid to tell your soon to be spouse about being upset and missing home. Let them into those feelings and work through them together.

I found blogging to be helpful and posting on VJ about my feelings - there are several threads in the UK forum about all the things people miss or dislike or whatever else.

My mother cried when I moved to Denmark in the airport. My husband's mother cried at the airport in Denmark when we left. There was no way not to hurt one family, yah know?

[Kumi and Drake 14]

I feel the same way. I've lived with my family all my life too, and moving to another country was the biggest choice in my life I've ever decided. I'm happy to be with my husband, and I'm sure you'd feel the same with your fiance once you're there. But's the sadness is inevitable. It was hard seeing my grandmother and youngest sister crying during my last nights back home. I miss them terribly. I'm still dealing with homesickness right now.

Facebook and chat apps on my phone helps but it's still not the same. It's Christmas and I wish I was home celebrating with them and giving them gifts. My mother-in-law suggested we bake goodies for them this Christmas, which we did. I cry when I feel lonely, and my husband understands that I just need to let it out. I've been blessed with wonderful inlaws, but with me being used to my family being around me for 26 years of my life, I can't help but miss them all the time.

What you can do is always try to reach out to them. It seems like you're close to your inlaws too so open up to them when you feel you need to. And planning for future visits back home to visit the family sort of calms me down too, so when you and your fiance are finally together, keep planning your future visits.

[DaisyD 12]

I think that you are in a great place. Half of the problems people have in my experience of moving away from home are unrealistic expectations. They expect their new life to be amazing and wonderful and full of fun and excitement, which it will but when homesickness and other difficulties strike (as they will) they are devastated and unprepared to cope. You know that it will be difficult, for you and your family and expecting it will help when it does arise. If you can see that it is part of the process of moving and that it will not be a permanent state of being/feeling. I've been here six months now. I talk to my family a few times a week on skype and keep up with all the news. Letting my family know what I am up to helps them see that I am happy and starting to settle in. Half of their worries come from the fact that they will miss you and the other half because they worry if you will be happy. I don't mean to say you shouldn't share your concerns and daily worries with them when you move, but that you should focus on getting yourself settled in and enjoying your life in america. They will be happier if they can see you are happy. The other thing to remember is that homesickness comes in waves, it may be there for a while and then go away and then come smashing you back in the face, but sure enough it will go away again. I thought I was just fine until the "holidays" started. Thanksgiving with my in laws (even though it's not a british holiday) was tough, they just don't act how my family would at a family gathering and I felt like a big outsider. Then planning for chirstmas came, usually I would know what I was doing by september back home. But here, we only decided last week to stay at home and even now, there is a possibility that we will have guests, but I don't know. These both bought on major homesickness. But help, understanding and support from my husband was crucial in overcoming this. We discussed our own desires for how to spend the holidays and he took me on a special shopping trip to buy mince pies and a christmas pudding (even if they are extortionately priced!), which silly as it sounds cheered me up hugely. So in summary, it will happen, it will suck, but if you expect it and talk to those around you about it, you will get through it and it will pass.

[otter~ 17]

Hotter Otter, nice name too! us otters gotta stick together

i want to say thank you to all of you for your replies. i really appreciate that you all told me your experiences with the same situation and how you coped with it ^^ reading them has really helped me!

i'm trying to spend as much time with them as possible, while i'm still here. some days i make it okay without getting too sad but then other days i find myself getting really upset. my fiancé knows about how i feel and he tries to help me cope with it, and says we can always go and visit whenever we want and is going to let me have his laptop so i can skype with them as much as possible, which is nice

the times i visited my fiancé before filing for i-129f, i had quite long stays. i remember getting extremely homesick for the first few weeks while i was there, but thankfully he was always very understanding and comforted me. but what was so tough about that is, by the time i got used to being away from home, and felt more happier because i was less homesick, it was time for me to be leaving him, which made me even more upset. because of this i am left with mixed feelings about airports xD because they hold both the happiest, and the saddest memories for me. departures is always a sad place because that's where i leave my family, or leave him, and you're like...surrounded with other people who are having to say goodbye to someone and it's all very sad. arrivals? happiest place ever. seeing people reunited with loved ones is so heart-warming and such a beautiful thing to see ^^

i am thinking of starting a blog of some kind, to write this sort of stuff on i think if you get feelings out instead of bottling them up, you feel alot better for it, like you guys have said. i really appreciate all of your advice and i wish you all the best of luck with your relationships and futures in the US. you're all awesome and brave people for going through this journey and still coming back here to the forums to give your help to those who are beginning their journeys, whether it be K1s, CR-1s, or whatever visa it may be.

thank you <3

[Girl from Celebes 588]

I say, you would getting used to it. I knew your feeling, had been there and done before. I left my family and went to the university at age 17. It was 100 miles away from my hometown. I was growing up in the small city and suddenly moved to a bigger one. That was a big change for me. But, I still visited them a couple of times every year. I thanked to my parents to let me go at such young age to see world in a different perspective.

And then, after graduated, I've started working that demand a lot of times for travel and now more far away since I'm living in Jakarta permanently for the last a few years. I did not see my family very often, which was make me a bit upset. But, time passed by and I felt more like an independent person after went through all difficulties.

I know moving to another city or island is different as moving to another country. But people are live to learn. I am willing to take a risk to get all the experiences of life. We just live at once.

Actually, my fiance more well prepared about me being homesick than I do to myself, just to be honest, . He kept telling me to add my family and friends into my Skype, Yahoo Messenger, and save their mail addresses. He knew I grew up in the close-knit family and he doesn't want just pull me out from them. But, most of people are eventually leave their parents home, isn't it?

I also have 2 cats and my fiance so excited to bring them with me. You can bring them if you want. It will keep you feel still like at home, at least. So, if you feel sad, it is very normal but you'll get used to it. Believe me. Wish you all the best.

[Cam54 84]

I understand how you're feeling although with my family it's can't live with them can't live without them, they drive me insane but when I move away from them I get incredibly homesick. I got very homesick last time I lived away from them (18 months in America as a student) and what helped me was keeping myself busy, I had two jobs and I volunteered so maybe you should volunteer until you are allowed to work. Like you I do feel guilty about leaving, it's the most selfish thing iv ever done! But I feel like iv had a tough life so far and deserve it. My fiancés family are very calm and logical which is the opposite to my family and although I absolutely craved for my family to be more like that growing up I found I missed the drama lol can't win. My fiancés parents are also far better financially than my parents so I think they feel bad about that too sometimes but I'm sure they're happy I've found someone who's financially comfortable and I won't have to worry about money with like they've always had to worry.

About your cats, it's horrible leaving your pet babies behind but they'll remember you when you visit I promise, and maybe make it a stipulation with your man that when you get your own place you'll get a cat

It's amazing that you are doing this at such a young age, I couldn't have, when I was 18 I moved from margate to Exeter for uni (300miles-ish) and came running home like a baby after a week

[Luthien 9]

Thank you all for this topic - OP for bringing it up and all the amazing people who shared their experiences. I have been so guilt stricken that I've actually considered not doing all this because of how my parents would feel. It's so overwhelming when you start thinking about it - that I won't see them grow old (I believe someone mentioned this in their post), not being here for them when they need me the way they've always been there for me, my children not knowing their grandparents well, the list can go on forever. I've been away from home for the past 4 years but it was always a relatively short flight away. And this is a whole new level - moving to the States which in itself is a huge deal and marrying. It seems to me when I talk about it with other people (to some extent including my fiancé) that they only see the upside - you'll go to AMERICA, you'll marry the person you love, awesome, but they don't realise all the things you give up hoping that this will be a fair trade-off, i.e. things will work out and it will be worth it all the sacrifices you made.

I guess this wasn't a very optimistic post but the experiences of people who already went through this sound encouraging. The world is getting a smaller and smaller place and it will be getting easier and faster to travel. And it's only natural for each person to start their only family. Good luck with everything!

[rlogan 2,036]

Generations ago people left their families and never saw them again for the rest of their lives. They faced the wilderness, starvation, and all manner of depredations. The journey alone killed a lot of the passengers in previous centuries. In these times with instant visual/audio communications, travel that is infinitely cheaper and standards of living vastly higher we have to put our emotions into perspective. The more we make out of it by dwelling on it and aggrandizing things that are actually pretty minor in the scope of human experience, the more drama we create where none be made. We can approach life as intrepid adventurers and say "bring it on, baby" or we can mope and whine, focusing on what martyrs we are.

If we are too busy working our rear ends off we do not have a lot of time at the end of the day to dwell on it. Idle time is the gateway to depression, even if you are staying in the same house as your parents. This can be a serious clinical condition for immigrants that do not make plans for busying themselves in the new location. You have to challenge yourself both intellectually and physically no matter where you are.

Use skype, yahoo chat or whatever. Save up for visits. We are not wealthy but my wife and children are spending five months in the Philippines with family this year because I made it a priority to set that money aside. That's three visits in six years. If you watch airline tickets carefully you can save a lot of money by being smart about your travel windows.

Our experience has been nothing but wonderful. It actually has been amazing, full of fun and excitement because both of us are thrilled about the life we are living and have had such clear communication about our future plans along with day-to-day communications.

By the way, this year we laid down a thick black trail of smoke about how my wife had to get a job to save up the money for two years in order to come visit since we have two kids now and the airline tickets cost so much more. We really had them fooled with relentless updates about her job training and then starting work with all of the hours she was putting in. A week before the trip we finally told them. We had them so snowed that they didn't believe us at first.

Edited December 22, 2013 by rlogan

[Cam54 84]

Generations ago people left their families and never saw them again for the rest of their lives. They faced the wilderness, starvation, and all manner of depredations. The journey alone killed a lot of the passengers in previous centuries. In these times with instant visual/audio communications, travel that is infinitely cheaper and standards of living vastly higher we have to put our emotions into perspective. The more we make out of it by dwelling on it and aggrandizing things that are actually pretty minor in the scope of human experience, the more drama we create where none be made. We can approach life as intrepid adventurers and say "bring it on, baby" or we can mope and whine, focusing on what martyrs we are.

If we are too busy working our rear ends off we do not have a lot of time at the end of the day to dwell on it. Idle time is the gateway to depression, even if you are staying in the same house as your parents. This can be a serious clinical condition for immigrants that do not make plans for busying themselves in the new location. You have to challenge yourself both intellectually and physically no matter where you are.

Use skype, yahoo chat or whatever. Save up for visits. We are not wealthy but my wife and children are spending five months in the Philippines with family this year because I made it a priority to set that money aside. That's three visits in six years. If you watch airline tickets carefully you can save a lot of money by being smart about your travel windows.

Our experience has been nothing but wonderful. It actually has been amazing, full of fun and excitement because both of us are thrilled about the life we are living and have had such clear communication about our future plans along with day-to-day communications.

By the way, this year we laid down a thick black trail of smoke about how my wife had to get a job to save up the money for two years in order to come visit since we have two kids now and the airline tickets cost so much more. We really had them fooled with relentless updates about her job training and then starting work with all of the hours she was putting in. A week before the trip we finally told them. We had them so snowed that they didn't believe us at first.

Just because other humans in history have suffered more doesn't make the transition any less heart wrenching

I do agree with the keeping busy part though

Try and set aside an extra round trip home fund if you get completely miserable, because I think going home for a week when you're at your worst would be good to show you how much ud miss from America

[Darnell 8,478]

how to deal with feeling sad?

For your exact situation, I highly recommend volunteering 20 hours a week, or more,

at the local olde folks residence home, changing bedpans and giving sponge baths.

Different dynamic there, so you'll be replacing your feelings of sadness with other stuff.

This doesn't work for everyone - but for 19 year old humans still living at home, this is a great 'horizon changer' activity.

[Cam54 84]

I volunteered with animals, they tend to be more comforting than being around humans when I'm sad

[rlogan 2,036]

Just because other humans in history have suffered more doesn't make the transition any less heart wrenching

I couldn't agree more. Because it depends entirely on what kind of person you are. One makes the decision to put their emotions into perspective and adopt an attitude of steely determination and grit, taking inspiration from those who came before us and who overcame vastly more difficult conditions.

Another finds every possible means to continue elevating their emotions and condition front and center, dwelling/wallowing, to the extent of dismissing those inspirational examples as completely irrelevant. So I thank you for being an example of how to be that kind of person - insisting that we have to be powerless victims of our emotions instead of people in command of them.

Edited December 23, 2013 by rlogan