looking for MENA success stories

[aaydrian 479]

The newer generation wants to marry women who are intellectually at the same level with them and can have real, mature relationships with, to be best friends and not marry just a cute young girl that he has nothing in common with. This leads them to older women in their 30's and above. This is the case for us, my husband wanted a wife who was on the same intellectual level as him first.

Zahra

Is your husband saying that you are intellectually below the level you're supposed to be, that is, at *35 your intellectual maturity just matches that of your *29 yr old husband?

*- substitute for real ages

It's refreshing to see so many success stories here.

I'm more interested in successful marriages that are on their 5th year or more (excluding the visa process) where the wife's 10-30 years their husband's senior.

Edited April 17, 2012 by aaydrian

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

There are a bunch of us with 5+ years still plugging along. I can think of around 30-40 couples over the years, maybe more. Most of us don't post on here as often anymore, but when you run in the same circles of people for years information gets around. I'd say a third are confirmed to have since seperated or divorced. I can't think of more than a handful of couples with success that have such a vast age difference though, but there are at least two that match that description that still post on here with some regularity.

Edited April 17, 2012 by ॐ

[msheesha 548]

I'm guessing noone is intentionally generalizing young MENA women as mindless, vapid, stupid baby makers. But talk of young MENA men needing foreign, older women so that they have someone to match their intellectual capacities seems to be doing just that. This seems as bad to me as generalizing MENA men as abusive control freaks.

[tany1157 161]

I'm guessing noone is intentionally generalizing young MENA women as mindless, vapid, stupid baby makers. But talk of young MENA men needing foreign, older women so that they have someone to match their intellectual capacities seems to be doing just that. This seems as bad to me as generalizing MENA men as abusive control freaks.

[Staashi 371]

I would just like to say that even though certain women come back to tell their stories about the decline of their marriage or the fraud that their spouse committed, this doesn't make them a bad person. I believe it makes them admirable. They had the balls to come back here and share the hell they went through, to expose themselves to ridicule or the proverbial ”I-told-you-so” attitudes that can be found here.

So many of them did exactly what you are doing...spent lots of time in their SO's country, knew the family well, and listened to his talk of love and life together. They had covered every red flag. And yet, their world came undone. It takes a lot of courage to come back here and say that you were taken for a ride, or that your marriage just didn't work out because of cultural differences. So, now, when you ask if it has worked out for anyone with your age bracket differential, you are showing your skepticism. And let me say, your skepticism is justified...twenty years is a lot...not impossible, but it will raise eyebrows all the way around.

Sometimes MENA isn't all rainbows, lollipops, and unicorns. Just sayin'.

[tany1157 161]

I would just like to say that even though certain women come back to tell their stories about the decline of their marriage or the fraud that their spouse committed, this doesn't make them a bad person. I believe it makes them admirable. They had the balls to come back here and share the hell they went through, to expose themselves to ridicule or the proverbial ”I-told-you-so” attitudes that can be found here.

So many of them did exactly what you are doing...spent lots of time in their SO's country, knew the family well, and listened to his talk of love and life together. They had covered every red flag. And yet, their world came undone. It takes a lot of courage to come back here and say that you were taken for a ride, or that your marriage just didn't work out because of cultural differences. So, now, when you ask if it has worked out for anyone with your age bracket differential, you are showing your skepticism. And let me say, your skepticism is justified...twenty years is a lot...not impossible, but it will raise eyebrows all the way around.

Sometimes MENA isn't all rainbows, lollipops, and unicorns. Just sayin'.

It's not?!?! And here I am, this whole time, thinking life will be just perfect when my husband gets here, and we'll be singing Kumbaya every night, while living somewhere over the rainbow Hmm, maybe I should get my head outta my butt

*Please note the sarcasm

[Mithra 1,185]

I agree with this 100%.

Real life and extended vacations are vastly different. Getting along with someone for 6 months while on vacation (no work, no responsibilities, etc.) is much easier than living day to day life. Especially when the immigrant is limited in their independence, work history in the US, and general ability to adjust to new surroundings. Some people (like myself) think/thought...piece of cake. No, it's not a piece of cake. At all. Even if you psych yourself out for real life together, it's not even half of what you imagine. I think that has a lot to do with the break downs of some marriages. Not just because they are from MENA but because they are an immigrant, in general. You may have personalities that mesh well when on vacation or in a long distance relationship and then when you live together 24/7 you pick up on things that you didn't notice before. Anyways, what I'm saying is don't be too confident about how awesome things are on vacation. Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything. I firmly believe that the guys that end up to be scumbags were always scumbags but it was ignored while the couple was courting. Lust, infatuation, excitement of a new relationship, etc. always makes one blind to reality.

I don't want to be negative for the sake of being smug or any of that. But. The fact remains, there's more to "it" and MENA marriages dissolving, etc. than "in any culture there are dirtbags". It's true, bad guys can come from anywhere, but there are also a lot of factors to take into account re culture, religion and so on in regards to compatibility and good fits, marriage wise, for Americans who marry someone from MENA. I don't care for generalizations at all. But I honestly believe it's really, really important to not only really know and understand the man you're marrying and his family, but understand the hows and whys of the place he has grown up and been formed in. I have just seen, in my experience, a more in depth understanding of these circumstances by the people I know who have long standing and successful marriages than just a "good and bad people can come from anywhere" approach. It has to go a lot deeper than that. And no, extended vacations with a guy and his family in his country aren't the end all be all

either. They are extended vacations. They are not 100% insurance against life being really hard or even impossible together once the grind and realities of life together in the US starts anyways. There's just been a lot of people here in the past who rested on their laurels of spending long vacations together only to find some real shocking stuff once everyone was in the US.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Mithra

[tany1157 161]

I agree with this 100%.

Real life and extended vacations are vastly different. Getting along with someone for 6 months while on vacation (no work, no responsibilities, etc.) is much easier than living day to day life. Especially when the immigrant is limited in their independence, work history in the US, and general ability to adjust to new surroundings. Some people (like myself) think/thought...piece of cake. No, it's not a piece of cake. At all. Even if you psych yourself out for real life together, it's not even half of what you imagine. I think that has a lot to do with the break downs of some marriages. Not just because they are from MENA but because they are an immigrant, in general. You may have personalities that mesh well when on vacation or in a long distance relationship and then when you live together 24/7 you pick up on things that you didn't notice before. Anyways, what I'm saying is don't be too confident about how awesome things are on vacation. Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything. I firmly believe that the guys that end up to be scumbags were always scumbags but it was ignored while the couple was courting. Lust, infatuation, excitement of a new relationship, etc. always makes one blind to reality.

I admire that you admit you thought things would be pretty easy when your man got here, but they weren't. I always hear, "getting them here is the easy part." As we didn't have the normal immigration run, this scares the bejesus out of me! We can only do the best with what we know. I have a short fuse. I actually have been talking to myself a lot lately on how I will need to be way, way more patient when my husband gets here. Everything will be new to him. I have compassion and understanding, but my husband doesn't even know how he will feel, he has never left his country before. He may say he will be fine now, but I am scared of all sorts of things. Like, what if he hates it here? What if I can't make him happy? All new fears have surfaced since he got the visa. We will be living as a married couple now, and not in a long distance relationship. It is all new territory. I just pray we can make it through what's to come.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

It's so true even when Adam & I go on vacation. No worries, no work, no responsibilities so that time on vacation is great! But that one second vacation is over then he's driving me again! I don't think there's any magical formula for long lasting relationships with or without age gaps. I think it's about two people that love each other, communicate with each other, respect each other and work on the relationship. I know people with age gaps, religion differences, cultural differences or a combo of a couple or all of those things that had long lasting marriages. If someone's spouse & them want life to work then they will make it happen.

[Cathi 5,610]

I would just like to say that even though certain women come back to tell their stories about the decline of their marriage or the fraud that their spouse committed, this doesn't make them a bad person. I believe it makes them admirable. They had the balls to come back here and share the hell they went through, to expose themselves to ridicule or the proverbial "I-told-you-so" attitudes that can be found here.

So many of them did exactly what you are doing...spent lots of time in their SO's country, knew the family well, and listened to his talk of love and life together. They had covered every red flag. And yet, their world came undone. It takes a lot of courage to come back here and say that you were taken for a ride, or that your marriage just didn't work out because of cultural differences. So, now, when you ask if it has worked out for anyone with your age bracket differential, you are showing your skepticism. And let me say, your skepticism is justified...twenty years is a lot...not impossible, but it will raise eyebrows all the way around.

Sometimes MENA isn't all rainbows, lollipops, and unicorns. Just sayin'.

[Cathi 5,610]

I am not skeptical in the least. I was merely wanting to hear success stories. If you read in my earlier posts I know it isn't going to be all lollipops and rainbows, no marriage ever is. You never know someone fully until you live with them, and this is true of any marriage.

[Mithra 1,185]

They're valid fears. Don't worry about making him happy, that's his job. Patience is key. So cliche, I know. Patience and understanding. Help him become independent asap. That will help things big time. Get him driving and navigating around the area asap. If he's willing, get him involved in social activities and networking. That will help in a job search. There will be rough times. If you have kids, that will be a little rough at first but if everyone works at it things will be smooth in no time. For us, the kids adjusting to my husband and vice versa was the easiest part. My husband loves kids and he's great with kids so that helped a lot. The biggest things for me was accepting someone new in my space. I was on my own and the "boss" for a few years before my husband arrived so it was super difficult for me to share my space and adjust to having to "check in" so to speak. Not saying my husband was controlling or anything but it's not like I could just go out with the girls or go shopping after work or whatever like before. I had more than just my kids to worry about. That was a big adjustment for me. On top of it, my husband wasn't able to work for several months and I wasn't used to having an adult just hanging out all the time not working. That was way difficult to deal with. Having someone in my face 24/7 was rough. LOL. I know some people may wonder, why did you get married then? I admit I was ill equipped for the whole immigration thing. I was married to a MENA guy before so I figured easy peasy, I can do this. I know all the "rules", blah, blah, blah. Yeah right! Never factored in the actual immigration/adjustment thing. Anyways, again..your fears are valid. Be patient, be understanding, have an open line of communication and understand that you will have misunderstandings due to language and culture. I've known my husband almost 8 years and we still have occasional misunderstandings due to these things.

I admire that you admit you thought things would be pretty easy when your man got here, but they weren't. I always hear, "getting them here is the easy part." As we didn't have the normal immigration run, this scares the bejesus out of me! We can only do the best with what we know. I have a short fuse. I actually have been talking to myself a lot lately on how I will need to be way, way more patient when my husband gets here. Everything will be new to him. I have compassion and understanding, but my husband doesn't even know how he will feel, he has never left his country before. He may say he will be fine now, but I am scared of all sorts of things. Like, what if he hates it here? What if I can't make him happy? All new fears have surfaced since he got the visa. We will be living as a married couple now, and not in a long distance relationship. It is all new territory. I just pray we can make it through what's to come.

[msheesha 548]

I agree with so much of the above post. PATIENCE & understanding is so important. Patience for yourself as well as him. It's a big adjustment in so many ways. So many things are taken for granted when your SO is not new to this country. You will get frustrated and you will have misunderstandings, but be patient with yourself and him throughout it all...

[Mithra 1,185]

I don't know if you mean to do this but you always seem to paint marriage with a broad brush ie "this is true of any marriage" or any guy could be scum, etc. Marriage to a MENA man is MUCH different than marriage to an American. I'm sure you kinda know that already but it's much more evident when you're living day to day. Yes, any marriage isn't fun all the time or any guy could be an #### but cultural differences do play a huge role.

I am not skeptical in the least. I was merely wanting to hear success stories. If you read in my earlier posts I know it isn't going to be all lollipops and rainbows, no marriage ever is. You never know someone fully until you live with them, and this is true of any marriage.

[tany1157 161]

They're valid fears. Don't worry about making him happy, that's his job. Patience is key. So cliche, I know. Patience and understanding. Help him become independent asap. That will help things big time. Get him driving and navigating around the area asap. If he's willing, get him involved in social activities and networking. That will help in a job search. There will be rough times. If you have kids, that will be a little rough at first but if everyone works at it things will be smooth in no time. For us, the kids adjusting to my husband and vice versa was the easiest part. My husband loves kids and he's great with kids so that helped a lot. The biggest things for me was accepting someone new in my space. I was on my own and the "boss" for a few years before my husband arrived so it was super difficult for me to share my space and adjust to having to "check in" so to speak. Not saying my husband was controlling or anything but it's not like I could just go out with the girls or go shopping after work or whatever like before. I had more than just my kids to worry about. That was a big adjustment for me. On top of it, my husband wasn't able to work for several months and I wasn't used to having an adult just hanging out all the time not working. That was way difficult to deal with. Having someone in my face 24/7 was rough. LOL. I know some people may wonder, why did you get married then? I admit I was ill equipped for the whole immigration thing. I was married to a MENA guy before so I figured easy peasy, I can do this. I know all the "rules", blah, blah, blah. Yeah right! Never factored in the actual immigration/adjustment thing. Anyways, again..your fears are valid. Be patient, be understanding, have an open line of communication and understand that you will have misunderstandings due to language and culture. I've known my husband almost 8 years and we still have occasional misunderstandings due to these things.

I really appreciate you sharing your experience and giving such great advice for what's to come. Thank you!