sending money to his family (long)

[rkk1 34]

Hi all. I have previously posted threads about difficult situations I was facing with my husband, and here again we are having another point of contention. I just wanted to ask some perspective from those who would be willing to give me constructive advice. My husband has not arrived here yet, as we are still going through our visa process.

My husband and I have been arguing again the last few days. Despite having a lot of tension in our relationship in January and February, things became much much better after I went to see him at the end of February, and we've been blissfully happy the last few weeks. (We didn't talk about our issues while I was there, but simply enjoyed the time together.) We realized that the long-distance was a big part of our issues. Unfortunately the arguments have started up yet again. My husband had done a lot of help for me last week, when he took a few days off work to go to another city to get his passport Apostilled, so that he could send me his paperwork for me to file joint taxes (this should hopefully save me a few thousand dollars, which I am planning to put towards my massive student loan debt, which should be nearly $200k by the time I graduate). I was thinking how to show my husband appreciation for his efforts, so I decided that I would go ahead and pay the remaining $470 on his visa application (as I already paid the $420 previously for the I-130, as well as the $340 from our cancelled K1 application. I had previously told him that the remaining $470 was his share, but since he went out of his way to help me be able to file jointly I wanted to help him as well by paying this portion).

When I told my husband that I wanted to return the favor, he got really excited (and before I could say a word about what I wanted to contribute) he starts telling me how it's his dream to have a car, and how if I can send him $2,000 of my government reimbursement then he can buy a small car for himself and his family in India (as cars are cheaper there compared to the US). Hearing my hesitation, he finally was like "Well, even if you can give me $1,000 I can pay the rest." I was like "Umm, honey, that's not what I had in mind... I was planning on paying the $470 for your visa application." His mood goes flat when I say this. He starts muttering "Yeah, why should you pay for my car. Your loans are more important." (I know he's just trying to guilt trip me by saying stuff like this, as he doesn't meant it.) I tell him that I'd be happy to help him save for a car once he gets here, but that it doesn't make sense as he'll be leaving in a year and the car will just end up being his brother's. He starts getting upset again and says "So what if it becomes my brothers? If you are sending me money, then don't impose restrictions on how I can spend it. Why can't my family have a car? All my friends' have cars, and our family has never has had one. It's my dream for me and my family to have a car. Why should you be able to have your own separate car if my family isn't allowed to have one? Your dad bought you a car." I tell him that if he wants to purchase a car with his own money, he can do that, but it's wrong to expect me to send them luxury money (as a car is not a necessity as they have motorbikes to get around) when I still have student loans. I tell him that I grew up in a well-to-do family in the US, so it's not fair for him to guilt trip me about having a better quality of life than him, as my dad has worked his butt off to give my sister and I a good quality of life. My dad is in his mid-60s and often works 16-18 hour days (while my husband's dad is mid 50s. He's a sweet guy, but doesn't work much outside the home, and my husband's brother doesn't earn all that much either. His mom is also a homemaker. They all live together, but obviously they won't have much family income if my husband is the main breadwinner in their family.) It bothered me that my husband seemed so jealous of my lifestyle (which was due to my dad's hard work) and so entitled that I should buy his family stuff. Although I still get family money (mostly by working for my family's business, although some comes as gifts), I have been working hard to be as self-sufficient as I can by cutting down expenses. So I don't appreciate my husband showing this kind of entitlement. In fact, he will get a great opportunity to come here and earn money himself, so he shouldn't feel bad that I have a better lifestyle than him as he can use this opportunity to come to the US and make a better life for himself.

My husband and I also got into an argument yesterday about the issue of him sending money back to his family in India after he gets here. We were actually talking about expenses, and I told him my idea which I've heard recommended by other couples... they put most of their money in a joint account, with a small separate account for each of them to spend as they like (discretionary expenses). I was giving him ideas, that we could put 90% of our income into one account, then we could each have something like 5% for each of us to spend how we like. I was saying this might be good for our marriage, as we wouldn't question each other on how we choose to spend that 5% (i.e. if he wants to go out with his friends, or send the money back home, then he could freely do so - as could I with my portion of my money. If I wanted to get my nails done, or go for a massage, then I could also do so without being questioned on it). I told him these were just ideas, as it might not be 5% if we are living hand-to-mouth, but it was a general idea of something we could try for. The remaining 90% or so might be something for household expenditures, future savings, paying back student loans etc. Student loans area big issue as I'm a medical student, and might be nearly $200k in debt by the time I graduate... which means I'll have to pay back something like $2,500 a month thereafter. Since my husband may also want to go to law school at a later time, I would also consider his student loans as part of our joint funds, since it is for our family's betterment.

My husband did not like this idea at all, and started getting upset. At first, he said he didn't want to talk about it, and then we'd figure it out when he got there. I told him "No, we should have discussed this even earlier before getting married. But at least we should talk about this now, as I don't want major problems once you get here." I tell him that I've been concerned, as I've not heard him mention how his dad and brother plan to make up for my husband's lack of income once he comes here, and I fear that they will expect him to continue to send money back home after he moves in with me. Then he started getting more upset, and told me that if he only gets 5% or so discretionary income, then he'll need some of that money for his haircuts and whatever, and would only have 1% of his income to send to his parents. He said he was not okay with sending only 1% of his income back home while 40% of his income would go to repaying my student loans (as it will be several years before I'd be earning enough to take over this burden). I told him that actually since we are planning to have kids soon (as I'm already 30), then realistically we wouldn't even have 5% discretionary money for each of us to spend as that would have to go towards our kids (before we got engaged, we talked about having kids - having a few kids together as well as adopting). To help him understand the practicalities of our finances after he gets here, I even did a budget estimate to show him itemized costs based on both of us earning and how it wouldn't leave us any money for savings at all, and we'd barely have enough to save for our child... as paying off $2,500 each month in loans eats up about 40% of our budget. Then he was saying that we shouldn't have more than one kid (if at all) if we were so financially tight. I was flabbergasted. I was like "Wow. So sending money to your parents and brother is more important that our own family goals of having kids together?"

Then my husband starts going off again about how I'm so controlling, and how it's his right to use at least 50% of his income as he deems fit (and if that means sending a good chunk of it to his parents, it's his choice). I tell him it's completely impractical, and he should realize his even after I did the itemized budget (estimates) that there wouldn't be any money left over to send to his family. I tell him that I understand he wants to help him and hopefully someday when our parents are older (his and mine), we'd be earning enough after I start making a doctor's salary (as in the early years I won't be making very much at all as a hospital resident). I also have to pay off loans. I tell him that maybe in 20 years when he parents are old and really need the help, we can send them money to take care of their expenses (though I'd also expect his brother to do his share. I am also completely unwilling to send money for his brother's expenses as his brother is mid-twenties, and plans to marry soon - and I don't see why my husband and I should have to support the brother and his wife and kids). Right now his dad is only mid-50s and can work. I told him I'd never leave his parents or my parents hanging when they are too old or sick to take care of themselves, as we need to help them - but at this point, we have our family expenses. I ask him "When you chose to marry an American, did you do so with the dream that you'd be giving your parents a good life by coming here and sending them a lot of money back?" My husband responds by getting upset and starts bringing up old resentments (as he was previously upset that I only wanted his family to visit us for a max of 3 weeks rather than 6 months per year as he wanted.) He's like "You want to control how much money I send to my parents, you want to control how long they can stay with us.... did you just marry an Indian guy because you wanted to have a slave at home?" I was deeply cut by that and asked him why he'd say that, and he says that if I can insult him by asking him why he'd marry an American for sending money home, then he has every right to ask me the same... since I appear to want to control and make a slave out of him. I say that I'm not trying to make him a slave, but simply being the one to be practical in the situation. I don't want to marry a slave. I want a husband and an equal partner, but since he isn't willing to think practically about our situation and keeps making impulsive decisions (probably marrying me was one of them), then I get stuck being the only one to have to make the mature decisions. Telling him that I'm trying to be the one to make mature decisions angers him further, and he starts being rude, and I tell him that I won't tolerate further disrespect from him and I say 'bye' and end the conversation we had on Skype. That was yesterday and we haven't talked to each other since, I don't know when we'll talk further as I'm not willing to talk to him to be disrespected. I think we need some time and space between us for now, as I don't want this drama. We are both nice people, but our values and expectations of marriage are so different.

Edited March 30, 2012 by rkk1

[rkk1 34]

My husband has sent me a couple of emails a short while ago. He didn't mention our nasty argument at all, but simply wrote me about the status/tracking updates of the mail he sent me (with the tax documents). I wrote him back "thank you". And he wrote me back saying "You are welcome" and gave me some more shipping info. I don't know if he's going to bring up the issue or expects me to... but right now, I'm still too upset to speak with him. I need time apart. If this continues, I don't know if our marriage will make it. I still think he's a wonderful guy with lots of potential, but if he continues to deal with conflict in such a bad way - it's going to cause major rifts between us. If he's simply willing to learn to communicate with me better and willing to understand that I think differently than him (having lived in a different culture), I think we can live happily together. Even though he is usually very sweet to me, he holds deep seated resentment and grudges, which comes out any time we have disagreements. I really don't know what to think right now....

Edited March 30, 2012 by rkk1

[talean nawaz 41]

I understand where you are coming from! Indians and Pakistanis come from extremely close knit families and there are high expectations on sons. I knew this when I married my husband. I would say my husband sends about 80% of his money to his family, but I'm OK with that because I make enough money to support both of us and some. Now, I have a surgery coming up. I will be out of work for a few months. I was clear with him that he has to take the financial burden during this time. He has not blatantly said no, but I can feel the tension already... time will tell I guess.

He is so new here and he is enjoying his freedom. I enjoy every minute that we have together, but he has not learned any financial responsibility, but like I said, I am OK with it for now. I just missed him so much, I'll do anything to take care of him, I just want him to be happy, but the honeymoon is going to end soon...

[Xanax 349]

Hi, I have read many of your posts and I felt compelled to reply today.

I hope my response comes across as helpful and I am in no way condemning you or your feelings, just putting across my point of view from the limited scope of your relationship that I have from reading your posts.

You seem to be placing all the blame on your husband for the problems you are having.

In my humble opinion, you should have discussed your issues while you were together instead of setting them aside, it is much easier to deal with things together face to face. I always take the view point that you cannot sort out a problem within a relationship on your own, many may disagree, but how can you realistically fix something with two parts by only utilizing one?

I think the main issue here is your cultural differences and they really need to be discussed. Your life and your husband's life are very different; the relationships within a family unit are different and the cultural expectations re: marriage are clearly different.It seems to me these are things you should have discussed before your marriage (but hindsight is always 20/20).

You want one thing and your husband wants another. You are disagreeing on fundamental things in regards to marriage. Regardless of who is right or wrong having views which are so clearly polar opposites can make for a very copasetic relationship, especially considering the fact you do not seem to work through the disagreement (this action needs to stop in my opinion).

Here are some things I feel you should do:

firstly, if I were you I would put myself in my husbands shoes and I would ask him to do the same.

I know you have done "the budgets", but how about asking him to do one and ask him how much he feels you can realistically send back to India after he has done some projections?

Consider your husbands role in his family unit, is he the provider? Is that how it is always been? If the roles were reversed how would you feel? Are you taking the provider away and potentionally leaving the family without(regardless of whether his brother could support the family or not, how does the dynamic work now)?

Ask your husband how he wants things to work once he is in the US? Does he feel you should keep seperate bank accounts, or roll everything in jointly? Does he want his things and his and yours are yours? If he wants everything seperate, does he understand he would be putting himself through law school?

Your husband and yourself and both making huge changes an sacrifices to be together, but he is leaving everything for you. Regardless of whether his quality of life may be better in America, leaving what you know is hard. Apart from the normal stress of moving to a different country that he is not familiar with your husband is leaving his family, a family that from your posts have stated that he supports. Your husband may feel guilt or regret and he may be being pressured from his family, have you asked? Your husband's loyalties lie not only with you and what you want but with his family aswell and from my limited knowlege in Indian culture (I have a few work colleagues) family is of the utmost importance and the son's generally help support the family.

Talk, talk, talk and talk some more BUT more importantly listen!

Ultimately, if your differences are too great or you are not able to settle your issues before he comes to live with you, then having him in the US could do more harm than good.

Please spend this time during your visa process to figure out if this is what you really want, if you can your husband can make it work despite your differences. It could be a lot worse if your husband got here and nothing was resolved.

Edited March 30, 2012 by BrittandDan

[rkk1 34]

I understand where you are coming from! Indians and Pakistanis come from extremely close knit families and there are high expectations on sons. I knew this when I married my husband. I would say my husband sends about 80% of his money to his family, but I'm OK with that because I make enough money to support both of us and some. Now, I have a surgery coming up. I will be out of work for a few months. I was clear with him that he has to take the financial burden during this time. He has not blatantly said no, but I can feel the tension already... time will tell I guess.

He is so new here and he is enjoying his freedom. I enjoy every minute that we have together, but he has not learned any financial responsibility, but like I said, I am OK with it for now. I just missed him so much, I'll do anything to take care of him, I just want him to be happy, but the honeymoon is going to end soon...

I can understand. You love your husband, and I deeply love my husband as well. But I feel it is high time for our husbands to step up and be responsible for their wives, and be MEN rather than small boys. I understand that Indian/Pakistani culture places a lot of emphasis on a sense of duty and responsibility for one's parents. Even I have some responsibility towards my parents, as I want to help them someday if they are unable to help themselves. But I don't agree with feeling obliged to send money for unnecessary expenditures, especially when I'm in a financial hole myself. I want to see my husband have more concern about OUR life together, rather than just thinking what he will send back home. Even though my husband acknowledges that my parents paid for our wedding and accepted him as their son, he still gets depressed and cries when his friends make fun of him for not getting any dowry out of my family (as I was strongly against dowry). I don't like this entitlement at all. I care for my husband's happiness and will try to help him in any way I can after he gets here, but I need him to start by showing me that he can put me first.

You are having surgery, and your husband needs to step up to plate. If he can't put his parents aside for some time to do that, I don't think he is worthy of being your husband. I may be blunt, but that's how I strongly feel. This honeymoon period will end, and you will soon start resenting him and losing respect for him if he doesn't put you as first in his life. His income also should share your (yours and his) family's expenses not just go back home to his parents.

[TBoneTX 43,059]

You are disagreeing on fundamental things in regards to marriage.

OP, you're trying to move into a house for which the foundation hasn't even been excavated.

[Peter_Pan 661]

I know I would be bitter if I had to use my money to pay off my spouse's loans. Okey, it isn't something one is supposed to feel, but nonetheless...

[rkk1 34]

Here are some things I feel you should do:

firstly, if I were you I would put myself in my husbands shoes and I would ask him to do the same.

I know you have done "the budgets", but how about asking him to do one and ask him how much he feels you can realistically send back to India after he has done some projections?

Consider your husbands role in his family unit, is he the provider? Is that how it is always been? If the roles were reversed how would you feel? Are you taking the provider away and potentionally leaving the family without(regardless of whether his brother could support the family or not, how does the dynamic work now)?

Ask your husband how he wants things to work once he is in the US? Does he feel you should keep seperate bank accounts, or roll everything in jointly? Does he want his things and his and yours are yours? If he wants everything seperate, does he understand he would be putting himself through law school?

Your husband and yourself and both making huge changes an sacrifices to be together, but he is leaving everything for you. Regardless of whether his quality of life may be better in America, leaving what you know is hard. Apart from the normal stress of moving to a different country that he is not familiar with your husband is leaving his family, a family that from your posts have stated that he supports. Your husband may feel guilt or regret and he may be being pressured from his family, have you asked? Your husband's loyalties lie not only with you and what you want but with his family aswell and from my limited knowlege in Indian culture (I have a few work colleagues) family is of the utmost importance and the son's generally help support the family.

Talk, talk, talk and talk some more BUT more importantly listen!

Ultimately, if your differences are too great or you are not able to settle your issues before he comes to live with you, then having him in the US could do more harm than good.

Please spend this time during your visa process to figure out if this is what you really want, if you can your husband can make it work despite your differences. It could be a lot worse if your husband got here and nothing was resolved.

Thank you BrittandDan for your very thoughtful reply. Yes, you have hit some key points. Right now my husband is making the majority of his family's income. His dad was working until November (living in a different city), but came to live with them again in November during our wedding time. After that his mom had her major illness, and my husband's father continued to live with them at home. He hasn't worked since outside the house, but he does the cooking at home. So that is one income lost. When I see my own father being able to work 16+ hours a day (most days of the week) being in his mid-60s, I wonder why my husband's dad can't earn even a little bit of income when he is 10 years younger than my own dad. (I don't say this to my husband, as that would be offensive, but I admit that I think this in my own mind). My husband is not only earning most of the income, but he's also working from home and doing the most work managing his mom's medications and making her special diet. So when his brother isn't doing any of that and still doesn't make that much, I feel they haven't stepped up to their responsibilities.

I know that my husband would feel guilty about not sending his family money. He is also the older son which places extra responsibility on him (though his brother is only 1 year younger). I don't want him to feel guilty. If my husband wanted to send them $100-150 a month as part of his discretionary income, that would be fine with me - especially if he was helping out with our other expenses. But it's his attitude of putting me second that bothers me. If he is acting like paying them is more important than paying our bills or us having a family of our own - I take that personally.

As far as your suggestion of asking my husband to set a budget of what he thinks he might spend, I'll ask him again to do this. Thus far, he has been unwilling to do so, by simply stating that he will deal with it after he arrives. Then when I pushed him, he said that if he is the one earning (until the time I earn) then he is entitled to at least spend 50% of his money the way he wants and I can spend the other 50% of his money the way I want. My fear is that my 50% of the money would be going to our household expenses (and still not having enough to pay our bills) while most of his 50% of the money would be going to his parents and brother at home. He wasn't really willing to discuss his intentions openly, which bothered me.

I agree that my husband is making major sacrifices for me. I expect him to be extremely lonely and homesick once he gets here (as he has always lived in a big family environment with his parents and brother... and his uncle and grandparents and cousins living 2 houses down). I am really worried about this. I don't think he realizes at all what he's getting into, but I am scared that if we are having issues now then we'll be even in a worse place when he gets here and goes through the shock of homesickness.

[rkk1 34]

OP, you're trying to move into a house for which the foundation hasn't even been excavated.

The thing is, I've heard that these sort of topics (finances etc) are best talked about BEFORE getting married, as one should talk about them to make sure they are on the same page in terms of values. My husband and I did talk to some extent as I was asking him these sorts of questions before marriage, but at that time he was trying to push me to agree to marriage - and thus made light of all these questions (though now we are suffering).

Then I went through reading other posts on this forum of couples who are struggling with this financial stuff after their spouse is living with them, and people said that they should have discussed this during the visa process before their spouse arrived here. So now I'm trying to do that, as I don't want him to make all the effort to come here if we are incompatible and can't work things out. So I don't think anyone should tell me I'm dealing with the issue too prematurely in the process, when I actually feel we should have done it much earlier (before getting married).

[milimelo 4,205]

OP, you're digging yourself deeper than ever. On previous topics you were adamant not to even file for him yet you did it. Whatever happened to his TB anyways?

And now, even though you realize what you want him to be will never happen and he will never change - you're still not getting it. A year from now, he'll probably be in the US, possibly working and sending all his money to parents and brother. You'll be left alone paying for the entire household expenses and your students loans - no where near to having a child. Come naturalization time husband will get his parents over who will live in your apartment, soon brother will join too (student visa was talked about).

I'd take a double take before proceeding paying for his immigrant visa or sending in paperwork for NVC... Because once he has his immigrant visa and green card, you're on the hook.

[rkk1 34]

I know I would be bitter if I had to use my money to pay off my spouse's loans. Okey, it isn't something one is supposed to feel, but nonetheless...

Well, first of all, he knew I was a med student when he met me. I've always been upfront about the loans. Secondly, we have talked about his desire to go to law school (he already studied law in India but unfortunately is forced to repeat it again here since the degrees don't transfer). So if the time comes for him to go back to law school (after I start working and making enough money as a doctor) then I will also see his loans as our family expenses. Thus as I see it, I don't see why he should resent my loans, when I'd also be willing to take on his loans as well. Furthermore, while marrying me has its burdens (moving away from his family, dealing with loans etc), he also has the opportunity to make (long-term) for more money than he might have made living in India. In the short-term we'd be financially strapped, but long-term there would be a whole lot more chance for high paying jobs here (though this may change in the future, as India's economy is growing way faster than that of the US).

[rkk1 34]

OP, you're digging yourself deeper than ever. On previous topics you were adamant not to even file for him yet you did it. Whatever happened to his TB anyways?

And now, even though you realize what you want him to be will never happen and he will never change - you're still not getting it. A year from now, he'll probably be in the US, possibly working and sending all his money to parents and brother. You'll be left alone paying for the entire household expenses and your students loans - no where near to having a child. Come naturalization time husband will get his parents over who will live in your apartment, soon brother will join too (student visa was talked about).

I'd take a double take before proceeding paying for his immigrant visa or sending in paperwork for NVC... Because once he has his immigrant visa and green card, you're on the hook.

I understand what you are saying. The things you mention are deep seated fears of mine (not sure they will necessarily go that far to happen, but still are things I worry about). However, what are my options at this point? I was on the hook with him from the day I married him. It's much easier to break up with a boyfriend than a husband who you have gone through all the trouble of marrying and building a life with. I WANT things to work out with him, I just don't know if we can get through these hurdles. If I didn't file for him to come here, then our marriage would be over anyways as I couldn't live there as I'm in the midst of school right now, and living there isn't an option for me. So obviously I needed to file for him, as I care for him and want to give our marriage a real shot (and the only way to do that is to bring him here and try to make things work). The reason I'm having these discussions with him now is because I don't want him to get big surprises after he moves here (finding out I'm not ok with his family moving in with us or sending all our money to them). I want him to understand my expectations of him as well as understand his expectations of me, so that we don't get into major arguements thereafter.

95% of the time he and I are happy as clams together. We normally get along great. He tells me he loves me all the time, and normally we always talk to one another in endearing terms. The last month since I went to India to see him has been fantastic (he didn't have TB, as we did follow up tests - not entirely conclusive, but enough that I took the chance to go there.) He's a good guy and normally he takes care of me well and is very affectionate to me. But he has major issues with conflict, as he doesn't know how to deal (I used to have greater issues with being passive-aggressive in past dating experiences, but I've made improvements) If I can improve with experience, then I'm sure he can too... but as long as he is WILLING. I'm not throwing him away just because he isn't dealing appropriate with conflict. But I simply want him to show me that I'm important enough to him to make changes, as he currently engages in destructive communication when we argue (holding grudges etc). The fact that he grew up totally different from me and expects different things doesn't mean there is no possibility of working things out between us... but it is simply that we will have to have some flexibility with one another, which I haven't seen too much willingness on his part yet.

[superpotsky 13]

Based with my experience marrying a person from different background or culture is very complicated because most people who have the chance to migrate to US have dreams to make their life better and their family back home. I came to US when I was 16 (petitioned by stepmom) and started working while still in school. It was very difficult but I had to do what I have to do. When I was 18 I joined the military and I was deployed twice Iraq/Afghanistan .... I was injured and later I was medically discharged because of my condition. After my military service I met a guy and everything happened very fast between us. I got pregnant and we didnt talk much about our priorities. We lived together for the baby and thats when it start our argumentation, fights etc because we didnt really know each other. His American and Im Asian. I have to compromise everything for our relationship and for the sake of our baby. Like for instance, I cant visit my mother in my home country nor he doesnt want my mother to stay with us if she comes visit me. I havent seen my mother for 4 years and Im really sad. He also doesnt allow other people to watch our kid. I feel like Im isolated from the outside world my situation is worse than being in war zone. Im depress because everything that I worked hard for just ended up nothing. He is very controlling. Most of the time Im thinking that if I was with a person who have similar background like me maybe Im not as much as miserable now. Im still with him because of my kid ... I want her to have a stable home and family but I dont know how long I can sacrifice.

Its just typical that your husbands wants to help his familly once he gets here in America because most people from other country thinks that when you moved to US you will become rich and you will be able to help them. But they dont know that there are also responsibilities that comes first before them. Maybe if your married with a person that has the same background like you ... he would understand more of your situation like paying off your student loan, joint account agreement etc. But see you and your husband are in different page so its really important that you will talk as early as you can. If he doesnt agree/compromise or you doesnt agree or compromise with what he wants then your relationship is not going to work even though you really love each other. Because if he have different plans and you have different plans then you will be just like roommate when he gets in states. Good luck.!

[Peter_Pan 661]

Well, first of all, he knew I was a med student when he met me. I've always been upfront about the loans. Secondly, we have talked about his desire to go to law school (he already studied law in India but unfortunately is forced to repeat it again here since the degrees don't transfer). So if the time comes for him to go back to law school (after I start working and making enough money as a doctor) then I will also see his loans as our family expenses. Thus as I see it, I don't see why he should resent my loans, when I'd also be willing to take on his loans as well. Furthermore, while marrying me has its burdens (moving away from his family, dealing with loans etc), he also has the opportunity to make (long-term) for more money than he might have made living in India. In the short-term we'd be financially strapped, but long-term there would be a whole lot more chance for high paying jobs here (though this may change in the future, as India's economy is growing way faster than that of the US).

That still means putting his life on hold indefinitely until you manage to sort out yours. And what happens if you split in 5 years' time? He would have gotten nothing, basically. You wait until I settle my life, then you can go to school too doesn't sound too wow to me, honestly.

I say that the best way to deal with this would be to take the loan out of your paycheck, then mingle the finances. You make 5,000 per month, put aside 2,500 and bring home the rest and see what your husband makes and take it from there.

He might have known beforehand, but we are still humans, we don't react perfectly. He hold grudges and resentments and we have loyalties. I am in a serious committed relationship for some years now, yet the most important person for me remains the woman who brought me up, and that will only change the moment I have children.

[rkk1 34]

Hi Superpotsky, thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to know about your situation, with feeling lonely at home. If you do a search on this website, there are a bunch of threads on dealing with loneliness. I know you have lived in the US for awhile, but possibly these threads can still help you. I think going home to see your mother (for a few weeks) would also really help. This isn't an issue with us at all. I really like my husband's parents a lot (they have always treated me wonderfully). I want to do everything possible to help my husband not feel as homesick once he gets here. I would really like him to go visit India (if he can get 2 week off or so from work) within a year of him getting here. So I will not keep my husband from his family at all. I am also open to them visiting us and will be okay with us saving some money for their tickets; however, I've told my husband that I don't want them to stay for more than 3 weeks (more than a month max). He is really upset about this, as he wants them for 6 months of every year, but I think I'm still being reasonable enough. I don't think that this constitutes me harming their relationship, as I want them to be connected. I may not be thrilled if he continues to talk to his parents every few hours (as he sometimes does in India) and is not engaged in our family stuff. But if he is calling them everyday on Skype for awhile, I'd be happy for them. I truly hope everything works out for you and that you get to go home soon.