What are your 'friends' saying?

[gretchen_darren 67]

"Modern Marriage"..... what is wrong with just good old fashioned marriage??? My grandparents were married for 50 years, my great grandparents for 60+ years. I think this "modern marriage" thing ain't working. I see nothing wrong with a good old fashioned marriage. If the husband plans for his family, she is taken care of. The major problem is FAMILY. The WOMAN is taking care of herself, because the family is not being taught to take care of family. The question is, if the man is working, and the woman is working who is teaching the values to the kids? the man is working to provide for the family. the woman is working for who? the family? herself? financial freedom? things we want and need? a better house? a newer car? Are these proper values? What values are the kids learning? When society loses site of the value of teaching the children, society itself loses the values which were important to define morality.

I have no problem with woman working. But when it takes away from the family. From the husband and wife relationship. When work takes her away from the children, form a family being a family. THEN I HAVE a problem with it. this is just me. others have their own views.

[rlogan 2,036]

Here in America, people tend to view modern marriage as an equal partnership, where both spouses are pretty much on equal footing with regard to education, maturity, etc.

Ha ha... who can't see this coming with such a patronizing opening. We'll be told to pity the mindless child filipina victim, incapable of independent thinking or action, slave of the first world master...

When a woman is totally dependent on her husband financially, she's vulnerable should anything happen to him and if he's quite a bit older, chances are she'll be alive for a long time after he's passed away.

I don't think you realize that it is you declaring the Filipina as helpless and unworthy; immature, frail and stupid; she's nothing without her husband, etc. I certainly don't feel that way. Isn't it ironic that you start off lecturing about how "modern" American marriage views things as an equal partnership, but then go on to imply that obviously Filipinas are stupid and immature, "vulnerable", etc: Filipinas not qualifying as equals.

The notion of "equality" you introduced is a caste system, not a free society with equal rights. People have to be from the same education, income class, etc. to marry? Pffft. That's hardly American. The equality in America has to do with rights, not forced social classes defined by equal ages, equal incomes, equal educations, same race, etc.

I often see this logical fallacy you employed here: I have a PhD whereas my wife has only a couple years of college. Therefore I have more power in the relationship. This is always presented in an abusive light of course. She is the victim of this power. So strong education in the husband is a negative. Maturity in the husband is a negative. She is not a beneficiary of my education and my maturity. The poor girl is victimized by it! I should be stupider and more immature! I should be a pauper and have her living on the edge of starvation. Then I would not be abusing her with the power of my greater income.

No matter what argument you try to mount against consenting adults marrying, you are going to lose. Because all adults have equal rights to marry.

[Golden Gate 530]

"I often see this logical fallacy you employed here: I have a PhD whereas my wife has only a couple years of college. Therefore I have more power in the relationship. This is always presented in an abusive light of course. She is the victim of this power. So strong education in the husband is a negative. Maturity in the husband is a negative. She is not a beneficiary of my education and my maturity. The poor girl is victimized by it! I should be stupider and more immature! I should be a pauper and have her living on the edge of starvation. Then I would not be abusing her with the power of my greater income.

No matter what argument you try to mount against consenting adults marrying, you are going to lose. Because all adults have equal rights to marry,"

There is something here that strikes a chord. When I was growing up, the impression I got in my family was this: my Dad had his doctorate, two masters degrees...my Mom, who grew up on 'just a farm and had only a high school education' (in quotes because it is how my Dad would express it) was generally a stay-at-home Mom, although she worked a 'little' job, which my Dad always said actually cost him more in taxes than supplemented the income. In other words, my Mom was never considered good enough just wanting to be a Mom and do what she did best. I was always encouraged to learn all the things that traditionally a man would do - like try to figure what was going on with the car engine, and mowing the lawn, I always had the impression that I wasn't good enough until I got a 'profession' and basically learn how to live on my own with no one's help and told I needed to take care of myself. At the same time, my brothers got to do a lot of things that I never was allowed to do, and they no longer had to do chores at home, because they supposedly had more important responsibilities. So, I think that there were definately mixed messages taught to girls, at least during the X generation. A conflict between the 'old' and the 'new'. Therefore, during my twenties I had no clue, really, who I was or what I was 'supposed to do'. To me, women have a stronger tendency to nurture, but I felt like this was somehow demeaned.

I think that is why I have sought a partner outside of my culture - because, I have to agree, this culture does not always seem to value people for who they are...

Edited July 1, 2011 by Golden Gate

[Golden Gate 530]

"Modern Marriage"..... what is wrong with just good old fashioned marriage??? My grandparents were married for 50 years, my great grandparents for 60+ years. I think this "modern marriage" thing ain't working. I see nothing wrong with a good old fashioned marriage. If the husband plans for his family, she is taken care of. The major problem is FAMILY. The WOMAN is taking care of herself, because the family is not being taught to take care of family. The question is, if the man is working, and the woman is working who is teaching the values to the kids? the man is working to provide for the family. the woman is working for who? the family? herself? financial freedom? things we want and need? a better house? a newer car? Are these proper values? What values are the kids learning? When society loses site of the value of teaching the children, society itself loses the values which were important to define morality.

I have no problem with woman working. But when it takes away from the family. From the husband and wife relationship. When work takes her away from the children, form a family being a family. THEN I HAVE a problem with it. this is just me. others have their own views.

I agree!

[rlogan 2,036]

When I was growing up, the impression I got in my family was this: my Dad had his doctorate, two masters degrees...my Mom, who grew up on 'just a farm and had only a high school education' (in quotes because it is how my Dad would express it) was generally a stay-at-home Mom, although she worked a 'little' job, which my Dad always said actually cost him more in taxes than supplemented the income. In other words, my Mom was never considered good enough just wanting to be a Mom and do what she did best. I was always encouraged to learn all the things that traditionally a man would do - like try to figure what was going on with the car engine, and mowing the lawn, I always had the impression that I wasn't good enough until I got a 'profession' and basically learn how to live on my own with no one's help and told I needed to take care of myself. At the same time, my brothers got to do a lot of things that I never was allowed to do, and they no longer had to do chores at home, because they supposedly had more important responsibilities. So, I think that there were definately mixed messages taught to girls, at least during the X generation. A conflict between the 'old' and the 'new'. Therefore, during my twenties I had no clue, really, who I was or what I was 'supposed to do'. To me, women have a stronger tendency to nurture, but I felt like this was somehow demeaned.

I think that is why I have sought a partner outside of my culture - because, I have to agree, this culture does not always seem to value people for who they are...

Interesting. The part about your dad saying her income cost more in taxes than she earned is of course absurd. He was either being melodramatic or he might actually have been mentally abusive when taken alongside the business about your mom never being considered good enough: Invalidate her work effort by pretending it actually reduced their income instead of increasing it. There seem to have been double standards going on in your household too. And finally, yea - I could not agree more about the role of nurturing, and to demean that is wrong.

[Messybrownhair 251]

"Modern Marriage"..... what is wrong with just good old fashioned marriage??? My grandparents were married for 50 years, my great grandparents for 60+ years. I think this "modern marriage" thing ain't working. I see nothing wrong with a good old fashioned marriage. If the husband plans for his family, she is taken care of. The major problem is FAMILY. The WOMAN is taking care of herself, because the family is not being taught to take care of family. The question is, if the man is working, and the woman is working who is teaching the values to the kids? the man is working to provide for the family. the woman is working for who? the family? herself? financial freedom? things we want and need? a better house? a newer car? Are these proper values? What values are the kids learning? When society loses site of the value of teaching the children, society itself loses the values which were important to define morality.

I have no problem with woman working. But when it takes away from the family. From the husband and wife relationship. When work takes her away from the children, form a family being a family. THEN I HAVE a problem with it. this is just me. others have their own views.

Hmmm for me I just simply cannot not work. I grew up with both parents working. My mom is very successful, she is the manager for the PAL airport. As a speech therapist, I have handled so many post-stroke clients who are usually male, and the breadwinners of the family. Once they got sick, the family lost all their money and they start to struggle since everyone just relies on his income. Having seen this so many times, I vowed that I will never be in s single income household because I fear this situation. My hubby and I agree with this. When we have kids, we already made plans to either have me work in a hospital setting so that they could be in the hospital daycare and I can still see them, and when they are school age ill transfer to work in a school setting so I can still always kind of be where they are at. I am and probably never will be the stay at home mom type. My mom wasn't but I would think that my family is extremely tight and functional. My parents are still married and as in love as can be. And I saw how my parents started with nothing and worked hard to rise, and so we were never materialistic and we didn't have fancy cars or houses. All I am saying is that having both people work is not always bad I have nothing against stay at home moms though

[one...two...tree 2,762]

It doesn't matter to me what others think. I have been married to my beautiful Filipina 4 years today........ Life is great!!!!!!!

Happy 4th Anniversary!

[jundp 191]

I don't think you realize that it is you declaring the Filipina as helpless and unworthy; immature, frail and stupid; she's nothing without her husband, etc. I certainly don't feel that way. Isn't it ironic that you start off lecturing about how "modern" American marriage views things as an equal partnership, but then go on to imply that obviously Filipinas are stupid and immature, "vulnerable", etc: Filipinas not qualifying as equals.

I didn't read Steven's post as saying Filipina's are helpless, unworthy, etc. as you are trying to say. Rather, I read it as saying that when a woman is financially dependent on a husband who is vastly older than her, she can be vulnerable after his death. The key words here are "when a woman is financially dependent." Wouldn't you agree that if a younger woman, who doesn't work outside the home, is married to a much older man and is entirely dependent on him financially, she is at risk of being vulnerable (financially -- not as a "weak woman") should he die unexpectedly?

I've known (and know) lots of Filipinas and I'd never say they are weak or frail or helpless but none of my friends are married to much older men and all of them work outside the home, have university degrees or specialty certifications, etc.

[rheanick 42]

It doesn't matter to me what others think. I have been married to my beautiful Filipina 4 years today........ Life is great!!!!!!!

[gretchen_darren 67]

the problem is we all have differing views. No one person is going to win against another person. What matters is the ROLES in the relationship. HOW the husband treats his bride, and how the bride treats her husband. They have to join as one, and be as one. If they agree to her working outside the home who am I to say otherwise? My concern is for bride to be taken care of, she is my treasure.

Instead of making the marriage and joining as one, the women are determining in themselves to NOT be in the problem of money. It is not the choice of being in a marriage, but the inability to choose what is most important. then "asking" the husband if that is "ok". However, the money is put to use as second income, buying things they might not otherwise afford instead of saving for the "rainy day" as was agreed to have done.

Not to be demeaning, the woman working outside the home when having kids DOES cost more then when the bride is at home. Factor in these costs: 1) meals (lunches for kids, dinners, how many times more is eating out done or frozen meals?), 2)cost of daycare, 3) teaching/ tutoring, who does this when both parents do not help with homework 4) income bracket changes, if money not saved your income bracket for taxes usually changes, 5) clothing, now the bride also needs work clothes as well as the man, "dress for success". 6) car/house/yard maintenance, who is taking care of things 7) savings, is savings going up or going down

this attitude in women can be found anywhere in the world. To many people think that being "submissive" equals being a "slave" or "weak" or "inferior". this is wrong thinking. true leadership is the ability to be a true servant. True submission is the ability to acknowledge the leadership of the other in the household. submission is the recognizing of the servant leader. Not all men are good servant leaders. But does this not also come form the fact of children not being taught inside the home? what would happen in the brides started teaching their children how t be respectful of a woman, while at hte same time the husband taught how to be a servant leader? Marriage is the art of sacrifice un which the other knows the sacrifice is for the greater good of the marriage. To many times the focus is one what is given up versus what was done.

Men want to love their wives with all of their heart. Treasure their bride. the problem is the bride not wanting to accept being loved. Instead of completely joining together. the husband and bride are still separate. too much is focused on selfishness versus selflessness. If you say the husband cannot provide for me, and I must protect my own future when he is gone. Is this truly committing to the marriage, or asking the husband to submit to something. Who is being asked to submit to who?

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

My mom was the only one who made a comment about how I was not having much trouble, "...raising a wife."

My mother knows I am the one being "raised".

Edited July 1, 2011 by ~happyndinlove~

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I often see this logical fallacy you employed here: I have a PhD whereas my wife has only a couple years of college. Therefore I have more power in the relationship. This is always presented in an abusive light of course. She is the victim of this power. So strong education in the husband is a negative. Maturity in the husband is a negative. She is not a beneficiary of my education and my maturity. The poor girl is victimized by it! I should be stupider and more immature! I should be a pauper and have her living on the edge of starvation. Then I would not be abusing her with the power of my greater income.

Another fine example of how an education does not a smart person make.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

the problem is we all have differing views. No one person is going to win against another person. What matters is the ROLES in the relationship. HOW the husband treats his bride, and how the bride treats her husband. They have to join as one, and be as one. If they agree to her working outside the home who am I to say otherwise? My concern is for bride to be taken care of, she is my treasure.

Instead of making the marriage and joining as one, the women are determining in themselves to NOT be in the problem of money. It is not the choice of being in a marriage, but the inability to choose what is most important. then "asking" the husband if that is "ok". However, the money is put to use as second income, buying things they might not otherwise afford instead of saving for the "rainy day" as was agreed to have done.

Not to be demeaning, the woman working outside the home when having kids DOES cost more then when the bride is at home. Factor in these costs: 1) meals (lunches for kids, dinners, how many times more is eating out done or frozen meals?), 2)cost of daycare, 3) teaching/ tutoring, who does this when both parents do not help with homework 4) income bracket changes, if money not saved your income bracket for taxes usually changes, 5) clothing, now the bride also needs work clothes as well as the man, "dress for success". 6) car/house/yard maintenance, who is taking care of things 7) savings, is savings going up or going down

this attitude in women can be found anywhere in the world. To many people think that being "submissive" equals being a "slave" or "weak" or "inferior". this is wrong thinking. true leadership is the ability to be a true servant. True submission is the ability to acknowledge the leadership of the other in the household. submission is the recognizing of the servant leader. Not all men are good servant leaders. But does this not also come form the fact of children not being taught inside the home? what would happen in the brides started teaching their children how t be respectful of a woman, while at hte same time the husband taught how to be a servant leader? Marriage is the art of sacrifice un which the other knows the sacrifice is for the greater good of the marriage. To many times the focus is one what is given up versus what was done.

Men want to love their wives with all of their heart. Treasure their bride. the problem is the bride not wanting to accept being loved. Instead of completely joining together. the husband and bride are still separate. too much is focused on selfishness versus selflessness. If you say the husband cannot provide for me, and I must protect my own future when he is gone. Is this truly committing to the marriage, or asking the husband to submit to something. Who is being asked to submit to who?

Are you for real?

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I didn't read Steven's post as saying Filipina's are helpless, unworthy, etc. as you are trying to say. Rather, I read it as saying that when a woman is financially dependent on a husband who is vastly older than her, she can be vulnerable after his death. The key words here are "when a woman is financially dependent." Wouldn't you agree that if a younger woman, who doesn't work outside the home, is married to a much older man and is entirely dependent on him financially, she is at risk of being vulnerable (financially -- not as a "weak woman") should he die unexpectedly?

I've known (and know) lots of Filipinas and I'd never say they are weak or frail or helpless but none of my friends are married to much older men and all of them work outside the home, have university degrees or specialty certifications, etc.

Oh, great! The ex-wives club showed up.

Another fine example of how an education does not a smart person make.

Trolling much these days?

Are you for real?

RJ is looking for a fight.

[Darnell 8,478]

That's a lot of talking - alrighty - who's thirsty ????

Time for some Mango Tastea !!!