I FEEL STUCK!!!!

[Messybrownhair 251]

I think it will only get worse once he gets the green card. I wish you luck and I hope you make the right decision. The most important thing here is your safety and I do think it is wise to invite someone to come stay with you and I think if you decide to attend the interview, be honest and tell the truth. Don't show any joint stuff, tell them you did not have sex etc.. I doubt it will be approved?? You are still legally married to him even if you did not consummate it, but it can be grounds for annulment or divorce. I wish you all the best, and please update us. Stay safe and I am praying for you! God bless you!!

Edited May 14, 2011 by messybrownhair

[Messybrownhair 251]

Typical of a controlling abuser, not to mention a self-serving little brat. He is using emotional blackmail and you have to stop giving in to him and covering up for his sorry butt. He gets away with treating you like garbage because he knows he can by you basically allowing it. Have you ever thought that you married a sociopath ? The very bottom line is, he doesn't love you and he doesn't care about you. All the doing for him and catering to his needs isn't going to make him love you. I think you know that. Further, for him to withhold sex from you is a form of cruelty and torture, and you have been married for how long ?? You are being far too kind. I would take him and his belongings and literally dump him off at the mosque, and that would be the last thing I would do for this bum.

:thumbs:

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Typical of a controlling abuser, not to mention a self-serving little brat. He is using emotional blackmail and you have to stop giving in to him and covering up for his sorry butt. He gets away with treating you like garbage because he knows he can by you basically allowing it. Have you ever thought that you married a sociopath ? The very bottom line is, he doesn't love you and he doesn't care about you. All the doing for him and catering to his needs isn't going to make him love you. I think you know that. Further, for him to withhold sex from you is a form of cruelty and torture, and you have been married for how long ?? You are being far too kind. I would take him and his belongings and literally dump him off at the mosque, and that would be the last thing I would do for this bum.

Milky, time is the issue and he isn't committed to the relationship. There are lots wonderful ideas from some caring people. I suggested that you contact a Women's Shelter and an Imam for advice at the very least and most people here agree with that. I whole-heartedly agree with Nagi, dump him. ASAP You are hurt, who wouldn't be and you are a kind and gentle soul which he is exploiting. He should have some sense of decency, some inkling of compassion for you, but he doesn't. Maybe he is a sociopath or at least a narcissist. It's about feeding him and his ego, not about you. He refuses to have sex with you but paradoxically refuses to get married so that he can have sex with you. That is, as Nagi stated, a form of cruelty and torture and a manifestation of CONTROL. The golden carrot to entice you to put up with his nonsense. He says he didn't come to America to be a slave, well I got news for him, Slavery was outlawed in the US in 1863; Milky you aren't his slave and never were. LET THIS BE THE DAY OF YOUR MANUMISSION. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You don't want this bum around you any longer. You posted your cry for help to a bunch of strangers, that must be indicative of how serious this situation is. Drop this chump at the mosque and be done with him for your own sake.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Milky, I forgot to add, your "husband," isn't interested in sexual relations with you for a important reason. He is getting his gratification from watching you serve him. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, isn't it? He does it because he knows that he can get away with it.

I think it will only get worse once he gets the green card. I wish you luck and I hope you make the right decision. The most important thing here is your safety and I do think it is wise to invite someone to come stay with you and I think if you decide to attend the interview, be honest and tell the truth. Don't show any joint stuff, tell them you did not have sex etc.. I doubt it will be approved?? You are still legally married to him even if you did not consummate it, but it can be grounds for annulment or divorce. I wish you all the best, and please update us. Stay safe and I am praying for you! God bless you!!

Yup. I totally agree. We are all praying for Milky's safety.

[thongd4me 69]

I'm sorry if my response is a bit blunt, I realize that you're in pain already but here goes.

Sister, he's playing you. A MAN doesn't let someone he purportedly loves suffer. Not even for a second. If he has to dig ditches and scrub toilets, then that's what a MAN does. Your new husband is a house guest and a sponge, nothing more and nothing less. I'm sorry but that's my feeling on the matter. He doesn't want to marry you, period. If he loved you he would stand up to his family and tell them, especially after you're legally married for 8 mos. Heck, he'd say 'let's get hitched' and be done with it. He's a user, pure and simple. He feels no compulsion in being lazy and doesn't feel any sympathy for you whatsoever. You are killing yourself, for what? Don't you deserve better than this? He gets "very verbally abusive and behaves erratic," when confronted, what do you suppose will happen in the future? His normal is for you to kowtow to his whims and not question him, what's wrong with this picture? If you've never had sex then the marriage is legal but it can be annulled since it has never been consummated.

Very good answer.

Here's a true-to-life example.

Just seconds ago, as I was reading this post, my wife was in the kitchen making pork cutlets.

She just asked me to get the can of red curry from the cabinet and open it so she could add it to her cooking.

I GOT UP FROM THE COMPUTER, DID AS SHE ASKED and now I'm back.

Helping your spouse won't kill you and if you're smart you will drop what you are doing

because your spouse is doing something for you and needs help from time to time.

The snide remark "I'm not your slave" is an idiotic attempt at role reversal, because it is the OP herself that is the slave, not him.

[jnjune30 0]

Hello!

Hope things are better for you, reading all the post seems like there no update from you, hope that you are ok. As everyone already said. The firs thing will be to go the Authorities and tell them what are you feeling, if you already did, either you go with a male friend to let him out of your house, it will be better with police officers. Change the locks of your house right away. You don´t have to worry about him anymore, is not your problem that he does not know any one in the US and he has no place to stay, that is only his fault, he should it think about that. Let´s be honest every one that is here that is marrying some one that is not from our own countries, in some point we think what if we don´t make it. I MEAN I LOVE MY FIANCE WITH ALL MY HEART, but like we said in Mexico (nadie tiene la vida comprada) meaning no one has our life already purchased, we don´t know what can happen, if you don´t get a long, if your husband is going to died, then what... you end up in a country with no blood family around, with babies, and no job.So he is a grown man he is not a child, and your a not his mother, the first sign that he doesn´t love you for real, is from the first moment he is hiding to his family about your marriage, that for me is not giving your place as WIFE , as the one he loves at the eyes of others. Its really easy to say do this do that, but seems like you are smart, don´t get your good heart to stop you to make a decision on this kind of things, dont let your husband to step over you, that is not acceptable. Believe me you will meet the right one, he is not for you.

My prayers are with you.

nick&justing

[Dumb/Dumber 61]

I feel the urge to give you an honest-to-Allah response, but it would only upset you even more and get me suspended. So I just get to the bottom line, if I may. The chances that this marriage is going anywhere where you will experience martial bliss and respect are about the same as you winning the jackpot in the state lottery, twice in a row. You have the chance to end this now before it will consume every bit of your sanity, dignity, and self-respect.

Have a friend over and tell him in his or her presence that you want him out of the house . . . now. Rent a room in a Motel 6 anywhere and bite the financial bullet for 1 week, max. Then ask for your house keys, demand them. Book a flight for him back to Egypt and tell him that you will not go to the interview and will not provide an Affidavit of Support for him. Tell him to hurry, because his mommy is waiting for him.

Then you book a room in another motel or stay with a friend for a week. You don't want him to wait for you at your door. Do not go back to your house for a week, but have a friend check every single day if everything is in order. Tell him that if he doesn't take the flight home, he will be very sorry later on.

Perfect and excellent advice Bob. Sweetheart, you are obviously a good and caring person. You need to realize this man cares nothing about you so do not waste you time with him. Do exactly what Bob says. I promise you it is for your best.

[Ready to do it 101]

I actually think she can potentially do more harm than good by simply just booting him to the street. I also think the repurcussions of including law enforcement could be extremely painful to both of them. As much as he is using her, we still have to remember she cared enough about him to stay in a relationship for 2 years, bring him over, be at his beckon call for 8 months, etc. All the advice she has received is great. The goal should be 1) Make sure she gets properly divorced and 2) Make sure he is out of her house, and 3)If she cares about his well-being, figuring out a way to get him on a plane back to his home country should be a goal. Nothing more, nothing less... but this isn't all simple. Kicking him out to the street, bringing in a friend to help kick him out, bringing police officers to kick him out, talking to "authorities" (not sure what you mean by that... in the end those things don't solve what should be the 3 goals. I.e. If he is gone and unable to be found, the difficulty in divorcing may be a lot more difficult now. If he is kicked out to the street, let off at the local mosque etc. what is going to be going through his mind? Revenge. She will live everyday in fear that he is going to come harm her.

My advice... get a mosque counselor involved (I'm pretty unfamiliar with muslim ways), get a family counselor involved (not to get you guys back together... just someone to explain everything that has gone on, it documents everything, and it will help explain to him what went wrong), and I would tell your close friends or family about the situation. The OP seemed to feel like she shouldn't tell all her friends the truth. I would urge her "to tell her close friends" the truth. Over 50% of couples get divorced, there is nothing shameful in it. You gave it a chance, and it didn't work out. Your friends will support you in this, you will need their support, and if anything were to happen to you... they know what's going on. Again, youy tried to make it work. There is no shame in divorcing, there is more shame in the alternative... which is staying in a manipulative and controlling relationship.

So mosque counselor, family counselor, inform your close friends, and then you also need legal advice for the divorce. That legal advice to me would be very important. I.e. if it takes 90 days to divorce then theoretically you need him in this country and able to be found for 90 days, right? Before you have that answer, the question of putting him on a plane can't be answered. Putting him on a plane without a divorce will hurt "YOU," and would be a nightmare for years, right? I could be wrong. I really don't know what the terms of anullment etc mean exactly. I just know it took me 90 days to divorce once I filed for it 7 or 8 years ago.

Lastly, attending any immigration meetings etc I am going to assume isn't even in your mind any longer. You do not want him staying in this country, and you do NOT want to be signing any afidvits of support, etc. He has no job. He is almost a guaranteed public charge. Do you want to be paying for all his welfare programs, medical bills etc? I recommend all of the above... mosque counselor, family counselor, inform your friends, legal advice for divorce, inform immigration you will not be proceeding, and in a caring way see to it that he returns to his home country (hopefully you do not have to wait 90 days for a divorce) as that throws a lot of new problems into the mix.

Best of luck. We are all supporting you.

Hello!

Hope things are better for you, reading all the post seems like there no update from you, hope that you are ok. As everyone already said. The firs thing will be to go the Authorities and tell them what are you feeling, if you already did, either you go with a male friend to let him out of your house, it will be better with police officers. Change the locks of your house right away. You don´t have to worry about him anymore, is not your problem that he does not know any one in the US and he has no place to stay, that is only his fault, he should it think about that. Let´s be honest every one that is here that is marrying some one that is not from our own countries, in some point we think what if we don´t make it. I MEAN I LOVE MY FIANCE WITH ALL MY HEART, but like we said in Mexico (nadie tiene la vida comprada) meaning no one has our life already purchased, we don´t know what can happen, if you don´t get a long, if your husband is going to died, then what... you end up in a country with no blood family around, with babies, and no job.So he is a grown man he is not a child, and your a not his mother, the first sign that he doesn´t love you for real, is from the first moment he is hiding to his family about your marriage, that for me is not giving your place as WIFE , as the one he loves at the eyes of others. Its really easy to say do this do that, but seems like you are smart, don´t get your good heart to stop you to make a decision on this kind of things, dont let your husband to step over you, that is not acceptable. Believe me you will meet the right one, he is not for you.

My prayers are with you.

nick&justing

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Very good answer.

Here's a true-to-life example.

Just seconds ago, as I was reading this post, my wife was in the kitchen making pork cutlets.

She just asked me to get the can of red curry from the cabinet and open it so she could add it to her cooking.

I GOT UP FROM THE COMPUTER, DID AS SHE ASKED and now I'm back.

Helping your spouse won't kill you and if you're smart you will drop what you are doing

because your spouse is doing something for you and needs help from time to time.

The snide remark "I'm not your slave" is an idiotic attempt at role reversal, because it is the OP herself that is the slave, not him.

That's they way it should be. You have each other's backs, always. I completely agree with your analysis of his comment. We're all so taken by Milky's story that it just boggles the mind that this character is out there and hurting her like this.

[Ready to do it 101]

It is strange, isn't it? I think a lot of relationships build up into this b/c people stay together for whatever reason... kids, financially can't separate, depression sets in and they just learn to live in a depressing/manipulative relationship etc. But to start a relationship out like this? Wow. I really feel for the OP. This could not possibly have been anticipated, and it really is painful to see someone have to go through this. We're all strangers, and it saddens and affects my day to see this happening to someone I don't even know.

The next few weeks/months are not going to be very easy for the OP. And once it's over and he's gone, the pain and questioning of why and how did this happen is unfortunately going to linger in her mind for years. It is not easy to simply get over something like this and move on with ones life.

We're all so taken by Milky's story that it just boggles the mind that this character is out there and hurting her like this.

Edited May 14, 2011 by Ready to do it

[thongd4me 69]

As for the OP, she is acutely aware that the honeymoon (if ever there was one) is over.

This means that the divergent realities which each holds dear to him(her)self are so

far apart that a major blowup is coming soon, or already may have.

She may think she knows the limits of his capacity for physical abuse but now would

not be a cool time to find out. If he doesn't understand the word "leave," then a change

of locks might be in order.

There are infinite ways that people give signals to each other that they are incompatible.

I think the OP has received sufficient ones.

My Thai wife often makes demands on me and that is one way to keep the relationship going.

If she asks me to do something and (I'm human) sometimes I forget, then she reminds me

and doesn't make that reminder a personal attack.

My ex wife (Japanese) almost NEVER engaged me or asked me to do things, but when

a few days or weeks went past after the time that (in her imagination) she wanted me to do

this or that, she blew up at me in unholy retribution and I was in the doghouse for weeks or months.

She never apologized and if I ever apologized she never accepted it. It was her position that

she was always right and somehow that gave her the right to insult me in front of the kids

and try to turn the kids against me. We could never have friends because anyone I introduced

as a friend was automatically her enemy. I had friends (both Brazilian, he was Portuguese

and she Japanese) who I introduced to her. After a few meetings, she didn't want to meet

them although they were the nicest people in the world. The only explanation was that they

were my friends. That was about 20 years ago and to this day I have no idea where they

are and anything I could say to them would just not be adequate.

In the only way of explanation that I can muster, a friend of mine attributed her attitude to I Shin Den Shin.

This is a dynamic through which Japanese couples read each others' minds and don't need to speak,

inferring that they do love each other but know each other so well that words are not necessary.

Here's a little Japanese audio that kind of goes with this theme:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0_3BeMy4TQ&feature=related

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm just going to address the immigration issue.

If you don't want him to stay you NEED to withdraw the I-864. He will have his AOS denied. You should do this before the interview just to be safe. I would probably also rock up TO the interview date/time to make sure the withdrawal has gone through. Or you could also make an infopass before the interview to make sure it's been withdrawn.

The next issue is he might try and claim you abused him. This is the next route they take to try and get their GC. So when you withdraw your I-864 I would file for divorce and a protection order as well. I would also report him to ICE for immigration/relationship fraud so if he DOES try then you're covered. Try not to be alone with him so he can't claim abuse and also, of course, so he can't hurt you. I don't know how it works in your state but I know some states won't let you kick out your spouse 'cause it's their house too so maybe see a lawyer to find out how you go about getting him out without risk of him coming back in. For instance, if you serve him with the divorce and protection order can he be removed from the property? Or do you have to go? Can you lock him out of the house if he's been served? This is stuff you need to ask a lawyer

The whole "secret relationship" bull is just that, bull. If he wanted to be with he'd do everything right from the start. His family probably knows but he can't trust them to not tell you. All kinds of dodgy. Of course focus on your safety

[luckytxn 2,263]

I would like to say God bless and good luck. This has to be devastating to you. You need help and soon. This man has used you badly and the worst part is he knows he has. He more than likely has been on the internet not just looking at news but chatting with his lover and making plans. This is a shame as you sound like a great catch. Do whatever you have to do but get out as soon as possible. If you are scared then find someone close to be there and extract you but you must stop this abuse. He is looking at the interview as his way out. When he has the card he is leaving you for his lover. This man does not love you. The odds are he has never loved you but has acted like he cares.

Again God bless you and I will say a special prayer for you.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

I would like to say God bless and good luck. This has to be devastating to you. You need help and soon. This man has used you badly and the worst part is he knows he has. He more than likely has been on the internet not just looking at news but chatting with his lover and making plans. This is a shame as you sound like a great catch. Do whatever you have to do but get out as soon as possible. If you are scared then find someone close to be there and extract you but you must stop this abuse. He is looking at the interview as his way out. When he has the card he is leaving you for his lover. This man does not love you. The odds are he has never loved you but has acted like he cares.

Again God bless you and I will say a special prayer for you.

Milky does indeed sound like a great catch and deserves more than this two-timing bum!

[luckytxn 2,263]

Milky does indeed sound like a great catch and deserves more than this two-timing bum!

She does and I wish I could do something to help her.