Once he/she is here... What happened?

[Adry&Edue 0]

This is really a great post. It has been so helpful!

[Aztec&Taino 144]

I didn't see this post until today, but I've enjoyed readying through it! My husband has been here 2 months as of today. Not long, but he's still doing great. He's the "play it cool" type who acts like nothing surprises him or bothers him, so it's hard to be sure if something actually IS affecting him. Because of that, I end up overdoing it worrying that something will bother him and trying to make sure it doesn't! I've stopped with the worrying, but I try to be observant and attentive, and be ready to step in if he ever needs me to.

There are only a couple of things that have bothered me since he's been here. One is that I have to teach him EVERYthing, which I expected, of course, but it's not really something you can prepare for. He's a fast learner though, so that is less and less of an issue as the time goes by. The other issue is driving...UGH...the driving. I expected it to be a little better than it is...

But everything else has either gone smoothly or at least has been something we can both laugh about. And every once in a while he'll surprise me. Like last night--the man who is surprised by nothing is amazed by lemon-pepper seasoning!

I totally agree with the you on the bolded sentence, Kikappo. I guess it is particularly tiresome for me since I do not only have to teach my students at my jobs, but I have to continue being a teacher at home! It is even the most basic things of American culture -I remember having to explain how it is that I pay my bills online and by mail and explaining to him about my checkbook, etc.- that sometimes gets old. This feeling is particularly worse when I am tired or have had a rough day at work. Yet, is is in those moments of true companionship and a loving embrace that remind me of why I have worked so hard at this... Only love would make someone go through this process and expense!

[TBoneTX 43,433]

This feeling is particularly worse when I am tired or have had a rough day at work. Yet, is is in those moments of true companionship and a loving embrace that remind me of why I have worked so hard at this... Only love would make someone go through this process and expense!

Si, man. From his standpoint, it's all new, confusing, and overwhelming (or, if we can forgive the term, outright alien). Homesickness and uprootment (cool new word) are cured a bit at a time by solid pieces of information, perhaps much like a shipwrecked sailor clings to flotsam from his ship. Everything that you're providing is floating his boat, si man.

[kandj 0]

wanted to share the story of my very american (white bread , military , mid-west up bringing) and her very dominican (brought up with a father who cheated on his mother and left her with 5 kids) husband... he got here, they married, he found a friend at the gym and hangs out while she works (not much else for him to do). he now leaves her home often and goes out drinking with his buddies. i've used them as an example for when my fiance gets here. i let him know that scenario and how i would feel if i were in her shoes... as a previous poster stated - communication is key!

[Messybrownhair 251]

Lucky for me we did spend a great deal of time together before we decided to file the k1. We were classmates in China and when we got together we decided to live together until he went back to the US. I've also been to the US before so I knew what to expect. We knew I'd be bored so I applied for graduate schools while waiting for the k1 and luckily I got in, so I start this fall and the timing has been pretty perfect so far. It depends per couple I guess, but being together again has been awesome and I think the adjustment was pretty easy for us. What matters is that you are with the one you love. I suppose the hardest part for me is just missing my family back home..

[Gingerpants 8]

We have been back in the States since March, and I have to be honest, I think he (the foreign spouse) is readjusting better than I am! The heat is melting me here and I am feeling a bit (second)homesick for Ireland. He's doing grand though, he just put the laundry on and returned exclaiming, "America's great! In Ireland it would've taken four washes to do all that laundry!" Hahaha

In terms of us, nothing has really changed with our relationship other than the fact that we're married now. Since we've been living together for almost 3 years we knew what to expect.

[modmodgirl 2]

This is a great topic! I can relate... I have butterflies in my stomach everyday. I want my relationship to work out so much. We have spent two years flying back and forth between the two continents; it's expensive and taxing emotionally. I feel like I know my partner pretty well, and I know there will be a transition. We have decided not to marry the moment he gets off the plane, but to wait two months. We are also going to couples counseling right away to learn about communication skills, our "buttons" and how to work together during tough times; i.e. agreements of how we will work together. I also hope my parents and family will like him too. They loved my ex husband are "friends" with him on facebook (awkward)-- Anyway, I think it's going to be finding a balance together.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Hello VJ members!

I have decided to start a new topic on something that I think happens too often, but we might perhaps be reluctant to talk (write) about. What happens once the beneficiary is finally in the USA? What happens when you actually have to live, share a home, sleep, eat, and be together with the one you love? Yes, I am talking too about the happiness of finally being together, but mostly about the moment when reality hits you like a 10 pound bag of potatoes. For K1 visa holders it means that the petitioner will be the only one making the income and, depending on the beneficiary, it will be likely that your fiance(e) will be totally dependent on you; unable to speak English, drive, work, being in a new culture, environment, etc.

So, what happens if all these changes and the challenges of living together make you question the wisdom of going through with the marriage? What happens when the realities of a share life make you realize this is not what you thought it would be? Perhaps this is the advantage of the fiance(e) visa process; you can still change your mind and decide not to marry without breaking any immigration laws.

Please do comment and share your thoughts and ideas.

Best wishes!

If you spent all yourtime checking the unreliable online update system you are screwed, thats what happens. If you prepared ahead of time using all the time you had while the visa processed you will be much better off.

Alla had her SSN 16 hours after she arrived. She had a college grant at a private college in place and started her Masters Degree in English 5 days after arriving (including a weekend) she started driving lessons the day after she arrived using her drivers license she obtained in Ukraine as a "permit", foreign license being accepted in Vermnont for 60 days. Pasha was already enrolled in school and started the day after he arrived in an ESL program. Alla had a drivers license before she had a green card. We got married 8 days after her arrival, got the marriage certificate in two days by hand carrying it to the office and waiting for it to be filed and getting certificates for the AOS. She had her green card in hand 4 months after arriving. She has racked up many impressive accomplishments since and is now a US citizen!

Our only real problem came from my remote island home in Lake Champlain, I knew that would be a problem. Nice place to swom and fish but difficult for someone that has to go 40 miles each day to school. she wanted to give it a try, I would have moved before she arrived. at any rate, we got a new home in April 2010 near "the city" and that solved all the problems.

I am happy as can be with my family, my beautiful wife and I never forget what we wet thorugh and all the hard work we did together for our family. I haven't had a bad day since I met Alla.

t WILL take lots of your time and lots of patience. The visa was the easy part

[rlogan 2,036]

Alla had her SSN 16 hours after she arrived.

Whereas the social security office in our case claimed she wasn't eligible, then filed it wrong three times, then lost the file and refused to let us re-apply, then instructed us to commit a felony (change her I-94 stamp), refused to acknowledge our congressman's inquiry, did not answer the phone, did not return messages, told us to leave when we came to the office, then falsified a document saying we applied "too late" despite having already produced the first document acknowledging we applied immediately after she got here. Even after finally getting her green card the wicked witch senior employee tried to stop us from getting her SS number. But thank God there was a russian immigrant there who had just started work. She simply read the instructions, filed our paperwork, and refused to listen to the senior employee standing over her telling her not to do it. You could see how much enjoyment this senior employee got out of tormenting us whenever we came in.

This monstrous treatment, resulting in no SS number made it extremely difficult to get a bank account, it prevented her from getting a drivers' license, employment, and a lot of other things. We have been waiting now for almost seven months just to get an appointment for a set of fingerprints they will not let anyone do but themselves - and they already have her fingerprints. They are the only agency we know of who claims fingerprints "expire", and who refuses to accept fingerprints taken by any other law enforcement agency. We cannot call them or write. We can drive 900 miles round trip to ask them a question that they do not even have to answer.

The multiple service requests we have made are not answered by the "service center" who is holding us hostage. We are told to wait and do nothing, just like with the social security office. We think this is something important to be prepared for: arbitrary and capricious bureaucrats who make the simplest things into long nightmares, and you just have to endure it.

[AmberOctober 25]

unable to speak English, drive, work, being in a new culture, environment, etc.

Let her do her homework BEFORE getting to the US. Such as learning to drive and studying English. Reading about some history and cultural points wouldn't hurt either.

[venusfire503 54]

I totally understand what you're talking about. A relationship almost HAS TO have changes when you go from being in an international relationship to being in the same household! My cousin said something to me years ago about how you have to see someone out of their element (or did he say comfort zone?) to really see more than one side of them. The dynamic changes when you go from visiting his/her in his/her home to living together in what was just 'your' place (or at least country, in those instances where the couple moves as soon as they get married) The stress of a new life could bring out new and unexpected things. There is also, in some cases, the consideration of children from a prior marriage. As sure as I was about my SO before he got here, there was no way I was going to marry him if there ended up being a problem between him and my children. Of course, I was very relieved that they all took to him right away!

I don't think people go through this process without being as sure as they can be while living in separate countries. I think what some people are talking about when they say about the 'trial period' with the K1 is that it gives us the opportunity to make sure that the relationship we have before the visa process is still a good one after the SO arrives here. I mean, I know I have read about people who say that their SO changed once getting here. Considering the seriousness of marriage (and the added seriousness of being a sponsor for your new spouse), it makes all the sense in the world to me to really double check before getting married to someone you've known in another country. Even if you were able to spend a significant amount of time there, people can change when they undertake such a significant change in their lives. And in my case, my SO and children didn't get the chance to meet in person until he got here. Their relationship with him was just as important to me as mine (with him) was, and we couldn't evaluate that until he got here.

I know I'm not the most experienced and smartest person in the world, but my SO and I are from extremely different backgrounds (talk about red flags! haha), and we did go through the entire process (successfully). I think it's important for couples to take a second look at the relationship once they're together in the same country before they take the step of getting married.

I really doubt people have the attitude of "well, let's go through the visa process and THEN decide if we should get married", which is how I think some people are mis-interpreting what others mean. I really think what is meant is "let us double check once we get the chance to be in the same country before we take that final step".

I hope that all makes sense.

Best of luck to all!

venusfire

Hello VJ members!

I have decided to start a new topic on something that I think happens too often, but we might perhaps be reluctant to talk (write) about. What happens once the beneficiary is finally in the USA? What happens when you actually have to live, share a home, sleep, eat, and be together with the one you love? Yes, I am talking too about the happiness of finally being together, but mostly about the moment when reality hits you like a 10 pound bag of potatoes. For K1 visa holders it means that the petitioner will be the only one making the income and, depending on the beneficiary, it will be likely that your fiance(e) will be totally dependent on you; unable to speak English, drive, work, being in a new culture, environment, etc.

So, what happens if all these changes and the challenges of living together make you question the wisdom of going through with the marriage? What happens when the realities of a share life make you realize this is not what you thought it would be? Perhaps this is the advantage of the fiance(e) visa process; you can still change your mind and decide not to marry without breaking any immigration laws.

Please do comment and share your thoughts and ideas.

Best wishes!

[Sandra G. 5,023]

You said "I realize that he will be totally dependent on me", well I believe in a relationship we all depend on our partners for love, kindness, validation, support without loose our own identities, dependency beyond this point it becomes unhealthy.Give him some time,like three months, to know the city and start looking for a job. He must contribute equally to the couple's bank account, make his own friends, socialize. To make a relation last each individual must bring 100% of their best to the table.I read one day "The perfect marriage is the product of two individuals acting as one interdependent force", and I agree 100% with that.

[DeeDee&Sam 68]

ya'll probably have some fights in the following months after poe, small aguments, crying, depression, but everything is gonna be ok in the end if you both care about eachother and understand the major changes i almost kicked my husband's butt once cause he snapped at me for being so depressed all the time, chased him around the house, but now we're more loving than ever

[Helmut & Bee 0]

[quote There were some adjustments, but we both knew about them beforehand and were prepared to make them.

"Some Adjustments" Those are the most important words. Before anyone ever files the K-1, they must look at themselves, and decide if they are going to be flexible enough to make the necessary changes in their life to make the marriage work. Some people unfortunately jump into marriage without ever thinking it through completely, and not planning on making any changes in their life.

H&B,

Together for 8+ years, married for 5+.