Once he/she is here... What happened?

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Isn't this shorthand for the rulers of Red China?

The actual Vietnamese spelling is "cơm", and you don't want to know how it's pronounced.

[rlogan 2,036]

Your post bothers me.. mainly because I worry about my attitude and I try really hard not to be bothered by the corrections but also because I do find it offensive sometimes that people tell me I'm saying it wrong when it's not "wrong" and their way isn't "correct" it's just different (it's not like I'm calling a chair a lamp). I can usually tell when someone is being picky (meaning they know what I mean they just want to correct me) or just confirming the word cause they're not sure what word I was saying but I will sometimes pronounce it their way just for "next time" there's confusion but that doesn't mean I change my way of saying it... just when there's confusion... nothing wrong with people getting used to hearing an accent.

There's a few words that my accent naturally pronounces differently. Not wrong, differently and sometimes when I'm "corrected" it bothers me because they're basically saying I HAVE to change my accent. I tend to ignore the corrections from friends/family because they KNOW what I'm saying... I just sound different. For instance the other day I was talking to Tony and halfway through a sentence he "corrected" a word. There was no confusion, he knew exactly what I said and what I meant, he just wanted me to say it differently and I told him that he knew what I said and he understood it so why change it? When it's a word that I need to change because it sounds VERY different (like pawn) I try and use a different word or pretend I don't know the word and instead explain it.

In the company of strangers I am more careful because they don't know what I'm saying. I try and make sure I use the right American word (i.e. ketchup not tomato sauce) and if they say "huh?" I sometimes put on an American accent so they know what I'm saying but typically I switch words. I don't enjoy my "American accent"... the method of forming words is irritating.. obviously just because it's not something I'm used to. In my previous example apparently the word "pawn" sounds like I'm saying "porn" and of course that makes people laugh. In order to say it "American" I need to say "pond" but omit the 'd' so it's "pon"... and that's just odd to me and I feel like a moron 'cause my brain knows I'm saying pon and not "pawn".

I've also already had Aussie family/friends "correct" me when posting on FB using American words and the "oh god you haven't lost your accent as well have you?"... It's like I can't win. They too KNOW what I mean (for instance I mentioned my "truck" as it's called in the US, where in Aus it's a Ute. In Aus a truck would be a semi in the US.) but I know some people back home (not my good friends thankfully) are offended if I change how I talk, and use different words.. they consider it "sad" and "pathetic" that I'm changing who I am and how I talk "so quickly". Some even think it's fake. When I went back to Aus when Dad was sick I met with an acquaintance and she laughed at my words once or twice... /sigh

Also, on the name front my BIL's name is Aaron and here they pronounce it like Erin so for a while I thought it odd that boys had the name Erin (it's a girls name in Aus).

Some accents are particularly thick and that makes life hard (like mum and dad's accent.. Tony has no idea half the time.. especially not on the phone) so in some cases the accent needs to change a little... but around good friends and family they should get used to it a bit.

Hi Vanessa.

It seems to me the most important thing for you to do is dedicate yourself to an attitude change. Because you always lose by letting your emotions get the best of you. The instant you let people see something bothers you, then they have a weapon to use against you. Sachinky made a very important point about using humor to deflect. The best kind of humor is self-deprication. Because when people needle you and your response is irritation, they already have you beat. You have both shown a weakness they can exploit, and you are one step away from blowing your stack and making a real fool of yourself. When people needle you and you show what fun you have with laughing at yourself, they have no advantage over you.

Sure, your friends and family know what you mean. But if they are like me, they are acting to protect you from other people and from situations where it will hurt you. They are not going to be there at the bank or the fast food place or the retail store where people will be saying "what, what, what?" There are some very, very racist and bigoted people in this country. I actually had some idiot approach me in the men's room of a bar, demanding that I help him beat up two Mexicans for not speaking proper english. We had both just passed them coming into the rest room.

He was ranting about being in this country and not learning the language properly, blah blah blah. I speak fluent spanish, so instead of doing what he wanted, as we exited I warned them in spanish that this man was violent and intended on attacking them. The perpetrator looked at me dumbfounded and the two Mexicans immediately prepared for defense. Had it gone the other way these two completely innocent people would have been ambushed. The odds are that being Mexicans, once a fight started it would have brought other bullies into it despite their innocence.

That is an extreme example, but it actually happened. When I am in the Philippines, in the remote provinces, I get these people saying "Hey Joe, Hey Joe, Hey Joe" - really in your face with the loudest, contemptuous, and sneering tone. In Manila or Cebu or Dumaguete that never happens. Only in the places with ignorant, uneducated people. What they are doing is saying "look at the *** everyone, watch me torment him". One good way to deal with them is to respond in perfect visayan.

It has only failed me once, but in that case although he kept harassing me the other people around him started telling him to shut up and leave me alone.

I do agree with you that people should not be so shallow as to demand perfect conformity with a local dialect. Unfortunatly though we have people with vicious attitudes - just look at how people cheer on the death and destruction the USA is wreaking across the world - so the more fluent you can become the better you are able to avoid trouble.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

You misread my post. I was absolutely sure that the relationship was going to work. I only had a pretty good idea what our lives were going to be like once she arrived in the US. We had (and still have) plans for what we would do, and contingency plans if something didn't work the way we expected. We didn't know for sure if we'd end up having to use one of those contingency plans. As it turned out, we didn't - things went almost exactly as we expected, give or take a minor bump here or there.

The point is that I knew we would be together, no matter what course our lives took. There were a few points in the relationship where I had some doubts, but I didn't send the petition until those doubts were gone.

Well, I'm glad you explained it.

What do you mean though by "contingency plan". Like moving back to her country as a couple?

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I don't mean to hog space on this thread but I'm writing this from an immigrant's POV so hopefully, this will be helpful to someone.

Most people think moving to the U.S. is one big party. It's not. And people need to understand the hard realities of living over there. And discuss it before the big move in terms of expectations and reality. Not just "oh, it's gonna be great--we're going to be together and eat hamburgers." Don't think of it in exotic, romantic terms. It's hard even for well rounded, well traveled, easily adaptible individuals, much less those who've never left home, are intensely attached to their family, or never even been on an airplane before.

I moved to the U.S. when I was 18. I actually adapted quite easily, made new friends in college. The first few winters were a bit hard to take but I coped. I rarely got homesick. And whenever I did I just watched a Bollywood movie or some cricket online. Or cooked some chicken curry.

But I also saw other international students who didn't try to assimilate. They kept to their own home circles and isolated themselves. Then they complained about being homesick or not having American friends. Or feeling like they didn't belong. I went out of my to make sure I made friends based on personalities. Not nationality. Even though that would've been easier to do. But I didn't make friends with just South Asians or Indians just so that they would understand me better. Yes, there were times I had to repeat myself, or explain Indian film stars or Indian foods to my American friends just as they would explain the television shows they watched as a kid or their Halloween traditions. I had one rule of thumb: If I wouldn't be friends with that person in India, I wasn't going to become friends with him/her just because we both happened to be Indians in America. If I only wanted Indian friends, well, then I could've just stayed in India. Why move all the way to the other side of the Atlantic? This is something I don't understand about my cousins--one is in Singapore, and the other one is in London. Their friends are all Indians, they barely know any Brits or Singaporeans. Which is a pity, I think.

Two professors, at the end of the first semester, commented that they hadn't met anyone who had adjusted so well to a new life, much less an eighteen year old.

I do think the younger one is, the easier it is to assimilate and adjust.

I like this post, especially the part I enboldened.

I think what sachinky says is the most important thing for any USC to think about. It is HARD for someone to leave everything they know to come to the US. If the US half of the relationship can't have a healthy appreciation for that, right out of the box, then they've no business asking someone to move.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Well, I'm glad you explained it.

What do you mean though by "contingency plan". Like moving back to her country as a couple?

Moving back to her country is dead last on both of our lists. We both have goals in life, and neither of us has much of a chance of achieving those goals in her country.

The contingency plans are mostly related to school and career plans for her and her kids.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Moving back to her country is dead last on both of our lists. We both have goals in life, and neither of us has much of a chance of achieving those goals in her country.

The contingency plans are mostly related to school and career plans for her and her kids.

Ah, ok thanks for that.

We used to talk about my husband returning to school over here. At the time I had hopes of obtaining employment with a Federal agency. The wages are good enough I could have supported us while he studied. That never happened. Sometimes I think my husband feels a bit cheated because that part of his dream never happened.

I guess it's natural for a person who moves thousands of miles to have hopes their life will improve. When someone moves to the US in the "VJ way" (for family purposes) it is for family reunification. When people marry (domestically or internationally) they also hope their joined lives will be not only happier, but more productive. Life isn't always like that though and couples go through bad times as well as good.

I think the OP's original question goes back to expectations. What we want for our lives versus what may actually occur. That's hard stuff for any new marriage. Cultural differences and adjustments to a new life can sometimes compound the normal storms of married life.

It takes the same devotion in an international marriage that it takes in a domestic one. In my opinion, that's the bottom line. Understanding each other and a willingness to operate within each others dynamics.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Ah, ok thanks for that.

We used to talk about my husband returning to school over here. At the time I had hopes of obtaining employment with a Federal agency. The wages are good enough I could have supported us while he studied. That never happened. Sometimes I think my husband feels a bit cheated because that part of his dream never happened.

I guess it's natural for a person who moves thousands of miles to have hopes their life will improve. When someone moves to the US in the "VJ way" (for family purposes) it is for family reunification. When people marry (domestically or internationally) they also hope their joined lives will be not only happier, but more productive. Life isn't always like that though and couples go through bad times as well as good.

I think the OP's original question goes back to expectations. What we want for our lives versus what may actually occur. That's hard stuff for any new marriage. Cultural differences and adjustments to a new life can sometimes compound the normal storms of married life.

It takes the same devotion in an international marriage that it takes in a domestic one. In my opinion, that's the bottom line. Understanding each other and a willingness to operate within each others dynamics.

Life throws you curve balls sometimes. If you never expected them then they can hit you squarely between the eyes and knock you off your feet. You deal with stuff like that as best you can and try to move on. No matter how careful we are at planning, life doesn't always follow our script.

Most of the stuff the OP was talking about are things you know in advance, and can prepare for. You know your new spouse isn't going to be able to work or drive for a while, they may have language problems to deal with, there are going to be cultural and environmental issues, etc. Some things the OP didn't bring up, but which should also be discussed, like the likelihood that there will be times when your new spouse is lonely and homesick, or that they may feel an urgent need to travel home at a time when they can't travel without losing their status. These are topics you should spend a lot of time discussing beforehand and making plans to deal with, and your plans should have some flexibility built in just in case you get hit with a few curve balls.

So far, we haven't had that "10 pound sack of potatoes" moment the OP described, and my wife and step-kids have been here nearly a year and a half. Most of the issues that have come up have been things we expected, and those that were not expected were not too difficult to deal with. A recent example is that we discovered a problem with my wife's Social Security number when she got her annual statement from SSA. Surprisingly, it showed more than 20 years of work history for an immigrant who first stepped foot in the US in December, 2009. A call to SSA revealed that they had issued her a number that had already been issued to someone else. Real genius at the SSA! That explains why the IRS computer wouldn't accept our eFile return, and I had to send a paper return for the second year in a row. Now we have to go to the local SSA office to get a new number issued, and then notify some people that her SSN has changed. C'est la vie!

[Aztec&Taino 144]

Oh, you're absolutely right.

A lot, I'd say, depends on the attitude. If one is open to new challenges, then one has a easier time fitting in. I used to be really shy before I left home. Not self-concious or diffident, just not comfortable around new people. Once in college, I realized that if I was going to spend Friday night watching a rented DVD and eating take-out Chinese, I was going to become lonely and friendless very quickly. So I took to keeping my room-door open and often took up invitations to go to dinner or parties, even with groups of people I didn't know that well.

Another thing I've noticed is the accent. I didn't have a strong Indian accent to begin with, it was mostly neutral and most of it has been erased by four years in the U.S. However, in the beginning, when some of my American friends either giggled at or corrected my usage of a word, I didn't take offense. I laughed along with them and would say "Oh, this is how you say it here, in India we pronounce it as such-and-such." Getting defensive and clamming up doesn't do any good. Rather, having a humorous attitude about such things help. For instance, a nurse at the health center once remarked to me, "Wow, your English is remarkably impressive." So I grinned at her and said, "Why, so is yours!" And we both had a good laugh about it.

[Another time my boss at work asked me to stamp some books. He pointed to the stamp and asked, in all seriousness, "Do they have these where you come from?" I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. I think HE was almost offended by HOW funny I found his question to be.]

A few other tips:

--Have your foreign SO read a basic book chronicling U.S. history. It helps immensely. I didn't like the feeling of not knowing what people were talking about with regards to slightly obscure historical figures or events. It's not easy to go from a country where you presumably know everything about its history, culture and politics to feeling like an idiot in a strange land and feeling left out of conversations. I hated feeling "stupid" as I called it. 'A People's History of the U.S.' by Howard Zinn is a good starting point.

--Teach him American words for certain things. Like "Bell Pepper" for Capsicum. God, you should've heard me trying to order a sub from a deli my first week. Holiday/Vacation. Shower/Bath. Movie theater/hall. Bracket/parenthesis. The different types of cheeses. I didn't know diddly squat from Amul cheddar cheese until my stint at the food station.

Sachinky,

You bring up lots of good points in your post. Yes, a lot of the ease of the adaptation process is the attitude that you take. I know, specially, because I also immigrated to the US as an adult. I do know that so many things in life are much better taken with a positive attitude. Luckily, my fiance does have a positive attitude overall and has a social personality. Unfortunately, he is just learning English and part of the difficulty of the adjustment is not only to become culturally proficient, but also learning English. So, as far as teaching him "American" words, yes, I do try to teach him English and American ways, but it is just too easy to go back to our native language (Spanish). However, the Spanish we speak is not even the same Spanish. I am originally from Mexico and he is from the Dominican Republic, so even understanding him in Spanish is a challenge sometimes because of the different use of language. Often I ask him for explanations on word usage or phrases. Something as simple as him calling the refrigerator "nevera" and me calling it "refrigerador" takes an adjustment.

[Aztec&Taino 144]

Life throws you curve balls sometimes. If you never expected them then they can hit you squarely between the eyes and knock you off your feet. You deal with stuff like that as best you can and try to move on. No matter how careful we are at planning, life doesn't always follow our script.

Indeed! We had talked quite a bit about the expected changes and challenges, but talking and planning for them is not the same as actually living them. The key is communication and a degree of flexibility.

Most of the stuff the OP was talking about are things you know in advance, and can prepare for. You know your new spouse isn't going to be able to work or drive for a while, they may have language problems to deal with, there are going to be cultural and environmental issues, etc. Some things the OP didn't bring up, but which should also be discussed, like the likelihood that there will be times when your new spouse is lonely and homesick, or that they may feel an urgent need to travel home at a time when they can't travel without losing their status. These are topics you should spend a lot of time discussing beforehand and making plans to deal with, and your plans should have some flexibility built in just in case you get hit with a few curve balls.

True. I did not write about this on my original post, but it is something we talked about at different times. There is always the possibility for something to go "wrong" back home and for the beneficiary to feel the need to return right away...

So far, we haven't had that "10 pound sack of potatoes" moment the OP described, and my wife and step-kids have been here nearly a year and a half. Most of the issues that have come up have been things we expected, and those that were not expected were not too difficult to deal with. A recent example is that we discovered a problem with my wife's Social Security number when she got her annual statement from SSA. Surprisingly, it showed more than 20 years of work history for an immigrant who first stepped foot in the US in December, 2009. A call to SSA revealed that they had issued her a number that had already been issued to someone else. Real genius at the SSA! That explains why the IRS computer wouldn't accept our eFile return, and I had to send a paper return for the second year in a row. Now we have to go to the local SSA office to get a new number issued, and then notify some people that her SSN has changed. C'est la vie!

I am glad you haven't experience the "10 pound sack of potatoes" moment, Jim. I guess I haven't really experienced it as such, even though life with my fiance has not turned out to be as I hoped...

[Aztec&Taino 144]

Ah, ok thanks for that.

We used to talk about my husband returning to school over here. At the time I had hopes of obtaining employment with a Federal agency. The wages are good enough I could have supported us while he studied. That never happened. Sometimes I think my husband feels a bit cheated because that part of his dream never happened.

I guess it's natural for a person who moves thousands of miles to have hopes their life will improve. When someone moves to the US in the "VJ way" (for family purposes) it is for family reunification. When people marry (domestically or internationally) they also hope their joined lives will be not only happier, but more productive. Life isn't always like that though and couples go through bad times as well as good.

I think the OP's original question goes back to expectations. What we want for our lives versus what may actually occur. That's hard stuff for any new marriage. Cultural differences and adjustments to a new life can sometimes compound the normal storms of married life.

Very nicely put about the "compounding" effects of married life for international couples. It is, indeed, even more difficult at the same time it is more different and exciting. Yes, indeed, my post did refer back to the basic idea of expectations. Overall, I would say, that my life has not turned out as I had expected or antitipated. Not that it is a bad thing, or that I am unhappy with my life at all! I guess an important part of life is making plans, working on a future presently, yet being prepared for changes along the way. As Jim mentioned, flexibility is very important...

It takes the same devotion in an international marriage that it takes in a domestic one. In my opinion, that's the bottom line. Understanding each other and a willingness to operate within each others dynamics.

"Devotion" is also a very word to use in such a case as making a marriage work...

[Fandango 1,439]

I think sometimes couples can get so wrapped up in being angry at USCIS/the wait/the distance that they lose sight of other things. Like, the shared 'enemy' makes them closer, then when that's no longer in the picture, the couple may or may not be what the other had 'fantasized' about for so long. It's definitely a hard question you've asked, because I don't think that couples caught up in the process are really able to be completely objective about it. I especially think that it's harder when the couple has only met a handful of times, for a few weeks here and there.

[TracyTN 237]

^^

[Adilet&Venera 2]

This is a great topic!! Thank you, Aztec&Taino, for posting this..

I constantly think about this, about how my fiance will cope with the new environment once he is here.. He will practically be born again, learning a new language, meeting new people, etc. etc..

I just read this wonderful book by Dr. Steve Stephens "20 surprisingly simple rules and tools for a great marriage." I think it has lots of great words of wisdom.

To list a few:

Rule1 - "Make your spouse a priority." Just try to balance your work life and personal life. Don't let your spouse think he/she is unimportant..

Rule2 - "Accept differences." If we weren't different, it would be sooooo boring to live together. We need to be able to not only accept the other person's differences, but also to try to respect them. When we realize this, we find that we are actually closer to each other..

Rule3 - "Listen carefully"

Rule4 - "Compliment daily"

..

"Watch less TV"

"find time for fun"

"develop mutual friends"

"go to bed at the same time"

"take a date" - never stop dating once married.. A coworker of mine has a great strategy. Every Saturday, he and his wife take turns to take each other on a date. It is always a surprise when and where. I think that's a great way of spending quality time together and at the same time exploring different places..

etc..

Aztec&Taino, it's perfectly normal that you are going through this phase "it's not what I expected.." With time, patience, and love you will go stronger together. When my fiance arrives, I expect a lof of bumps in our relationship. With that in mind, I am preparing myself on how to react to certain things. I will try to pick the battles to fight.. But of course, it cannot be a one-way street. He will have to adapt to my personality as well. Communication (and HOW you are communicating) is the KEY!

Good luck. Enjoy every day as if it's the last one. I truly believe you will make a great couple.

[Aztec&Taino 144]

This is a great topic!! Thank you, Aztec&Taino, for posting this..

I constantly think about this, about how my fiance will cope with the new environment once he is here.. He will practically be born again, learning a new language, meeting new people, etc. etc..

I just read this wonderful book by Dr. Steve Stephens "20 surprisingly simple rules and tools for a great marriage." I think it has lots of great words of wisdom.

To list a few:

Rule1 - "Make your spouse a priority." Just try to balance your work life and personal life. Don't let your spouse think he/she is unimportant..

Rule2 - "Accept differences." If we weren't different, it would be sooooo boring to live together. We need to be able to not only accept the other person's differences, but also to try to respect them. When we realize this, we find that we are actually closer to each other..

Rule3 - "Listen carefully"

Rule4 - "Compliment daily"

..

"Watch less TV"

"find time for fun"

"develop mutual friends"

"go to bed at the same time"

"take a date" - never stop dating once married.. A coworker of mine has a great strategy. Every Saturday, he and his wife take turns to take each other on a date. It is always a surprise when and where. I think that's a great way of spending quality time together and at the same time exploring different places..

etc..

Aztec&Taino, it's perfectly normal that you are going through this phase "it's not what I expected.." With time, patience, and love you will go stronger together. When my fiance arrives, I expect a lof of bumps in our relationship. With that in mind, I am preparing myself on how to react to certain things. I will try to pick the battles to fight.. But of course, it cannot be a one-way street. He will have to adapt to my personality as well. Communication (and HOW you are communicating) is the KEY!

Good luck. Enjoy every day as if it's the last one. I truly believe you will make a great couple.

Thank you very much for your post and overall advice. I am happy to report that we are doing well and we are communicating much better our needs and desires. It has been nice to work together for our common good -even something as simple as dividing household chores has been a welcome change after years of doing everything on my own!

I just think that having a reality check is something that is needed if you have never lived with your intending spouse. I think this is the overall advantage of the K1 over the CR1; you can work on your problems and get over any "bumps" before the start of your marriage.

Best wishes!

[Ribs & Beans 19]

I didn't see this post until today, but I've enjoyed readying through it! My husband has been here 2 months as of today. Not long, but he's still doing great. He's the "play it cool" type who acts like nothing surprises him or bothers him, so it's hard to be sure if something actually IS affecting him. Because of that, I end up overdoing it worrying that something will bother him and trying to make sure it doesn't! I've stopped with the worrying, but I try to be observant and attentive, and be ready to step in if he ever needs me to.

There are only a couple of things that have bothered me since he's been here. One is that I have to teach him EVERYthing, which I expected, of course, but it's not really something you can prepare for. He's a fast learner though, so that is less and less of an issue as the time goes by. The other issue is driving...UGH...the driving. I expected it to be a little better than it is...

But everything else has either gone smoothly or at least has been something we can both laugh about. And every once in a while he'll surprise me. Like last night--the man who is surprised by nothing is amazed by lemon-pepper seasoning!