Once he/she is here... What happened?

[thelastpetitioner 218]

i realllly dont understand people and their " k-1 isnt a try out visa " speech.who would wanna put their loved one through the pain and misery that immigration process cause unless they were absolutely sure?

HOWEVER the real question is this,since k-1 isnt a try out visa,what are you supposed to do if the beneficiary makes a huge mistake or fails to make an adjustment or does something that is simply wrong and you can not live with?marry them anyways because k-1 isnt a " try out visa"?

Edited April 9, 2011 by thelastpetitioner

[sachinky 464]

Nothing happened for us. We dated in college, lived together before we got married so no major surprises for us.

The only things that have changed, off the top of my head.

--We file taxes together (although we did this last year as well).

--We refer to each other as husband/wife instead of bf/gf.

--I yell at him a lot more to clear his stubble off the sink. Drives me batty, I tell ya!

[rlogan 2,036]

--I yell at him a lot more to clear his stubble off the sink. Drives me batty, I tell ya!

Oh that's an easy one to stop.

You put the stubble in his coffee.

[sachinky 464]

Well, it's gotten a lot better since I threatened to clean it up with his toothbrush.

Edited April 10, 2011 by sachinky

[gelato 1]

Well, it's gotten a lot better since I threatened to clean it up with his toothbrush.

Good one

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

"Pretty good idea" isn't the same thing as "absolutely sure". You know?

You misread my post. I was absolutely sure that the relationship was going to work. I only had a pretty good idea what our lives were going to be like once she arrived in the US. We had (and still have) plans for what we would do, and contingency plans if something didn't work the way we expected. We didn't know for sure if we'd end up having to use one of those contingency plans. As it turned out, we didn't - things went almost exactly as we expected, give or take a minor bump here or there.

The point is that I knew we would be together, no matter what course our lives took. There were a few points in the relationship where I had some doubts, but I didn't send the petition until those doubts were gone.

[Aztec&Taino 144]

i realllly dont understand people and their " k-1 isnt a try out visa " speech.who would wanna put their loved one through the pain and misery that immigration process cause unless they were absolutely sure?

HOWEVER the real question is this,since k-1 isnt a try out visa,what are you supposed to do if the beneficiary makes a huge mistake or fails to make an adjustment or does something that is simply wrong and you can not live with?marry them anyways because k-1 isnt a " try out visa"?

Good point. Many VJ members like to give that K1-visa-isn't-a-try-out speech. Yet, what if two consenting adults get into this venture with an honest and open heart and mind, but once they are living together they realize they are not a good fit? Should they just get married anyway knowing that the marriage will probably end in divorce? I think that yes, people should be sure about wanting to get married before sending the K1 petition, but should be ABSOLUTELY SURE before actually getting married.

Best wishes to all!

[Aztec&Taino 144]

Thank you everyone who has replied to my post! I think that we have brought forth some important points of discussion. I just wanted to say that the adjustment of a foreign person is different for each individual because also the challenges are varied. For example, for beneficiaries who are already fluent in English and know the ways in which American culture and living works the challenge is much smaller than for those who do not know the language, nor the ways of this country. Also, it is challenge depending on the indivual's personality. People who are adaptable, friendly, social, and adventurous would have an easier time with the transition.

[sachinky 464]

Oh, you're absolutely right.

A lot, I'd say, depends on the attitude. If one is open to new challenges, then one has a easier time fitting in. I used to be really shy before I left home. Not self-concious or diffident, just not comfortable around new people. Once in college, I realized that if I was going to spend Friday night watching a rented DVD and eating take-out Chinese, I was going to become lonely and friendless very quickly. So I took to keeping my room-door open and often took up invitations to go to dinner or parties, even with groups of people I didn't know that well.

Another thing I've noticed is the accent. I didn't have a strong Indian accent to begin with, it was mostly neutral and most of it has been erased by four years in the U.S. However, in the beginning, when some of my American friends either giggled at or corrected my usage of a word, I didn't take offense. I laughed along with them and would say "Oh, this is how you say it here, in India we pronounce it as such-and-such." Getting defensive and clamming up doesn't do any good. Rather, having a humorous attitude about such things help. For instance, a nurse at the health center once remarked to me, "Wow, your English is remarkably impressive." So I grinned at her and said, "Why, so is yours!" And we both had a good laugh about it.

[Another time my boss at work asked me to stamp some books. He pointed to the stamp and asked, in all seriousness, "Do they have these where you come from?" I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. I think HE was almost offended by HOW funny I found his question to be.]

A few other tips:

--Have your foreign SO read a basic book chronicling U.S. history. It helps immensely. I didn't like the feeling of not knowing what people were talking about with regards to slightly obscure historical figures or events. It's not easy to go from a country where you presumably know everything about its history, culture and politics to feeling like an idiot in a strange land and feeling left out of conversations. I hated feeling "stupid" as I called it. 'A People's History of the U.S.' by Howard Zinn is a good starting point.

--Teach him American words for certain things. Like "Bell Pepper" for Capsicum. God, you should've heard me trying to order a sub from a deli my first week. Holiday/Vacation. Shower/Bath. Movie theater/hall. Bracket/parenthesis. The different types of cheeses. I didn't know diddly squat from Amul cheddar cheese until my stint at the food station.

Edited April 11, 2011 by sachinky

[sachinky 464]

I don't mean to hog space on this thread but I'm writing this from an immigrant's POV so hopefully, this will be helpful to someone.

Most people think moving to the U.S. is one big party. It's not. And people need to understand the hard realities of living over there. And discuss it before the big move in terms of expectations and reality. Not just "oh, it's gonna be great--we're going to be together and eat hamburgers." Don't think of it in exotic, romantic terms. It's hard even for well rounded, well traveled, easily adaptible individuals, much less those who've never left home, are intensely attached to their family, or never even been on an airplane before.

I moved to the U.S. when I was 18. I actually adapted quite easily, made new friends in college. The first few winters were a bit hard to take but I coped. I rarely got homesick. And whenever I did I just watched a Bollywood movie or some cricket online. Or cooked some chicken curry.

But I also saw other international students who didn't try to assimilate. They kept to their own home circles and isolated themselves. Then they complained about being homesick or not having American friends. Or feeling like they didn't belong. I went out of my to make sure I made friends based on personalities. Not nationality. Even though that would've been easier to do. But I didn't make friends with just South Asians or Indians just so that they would understand me better. Yes, there were times I had to repeat myself, or explain Indian film stars or Indian foods to my American friends just as they would explain the television shows they watched as a kid or their Halloween traditions. I had one rule of thumb: If I wouldn't be friends with that person in India, I wasn't going to become friends with him/her just because we both happened to be Indians in America. If I only wanted Indian friends, well, then I could've just stayed in India. Why move all the way to the other side of the Atlantic? This is something I don't understand about my cousins--one is in Singapore, and the other one is in London. Their friends are all Indians, they barely know any Brits or Singaporeans. Which is a pity, I think.

Two professors, at the end of the first semester, commented that they hadn't met anyone who had adjusted so well to a new life, much less an eighteen year old.

I do think the younger one is, the easier it is to assimilate and adjust.

[TBoneTX 43,422]

"Bell Pepper" for Capsicum.

Geez... if someone can explain to me why "watermelon" in English is "sandia" in Spanish, I'll be grateful, si man.

There are enough differences in the U.S. itself to confuse born Americans, si man. Submarine sandwich = hoagie = po' boy = ???

And the homesickness is another subject all its own, sigh man. Even if one is very conscious that homesickness will be likely, and even if one does everything possible to steel one's self against it, it can still happen. Just at the stage when we think that we've figured everything out, we realize that we haven't, and that's when the homesick feeling can become overwhelming.

I'm the USC, si man, and I'm intentionally being inclusive.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

There are enough differences in the U.S. itself to confuse born Americans, si man. Submarine sandwich = hoagie = po' boy = ???

You forgot "torpedo".

I like the Vietnamese language for simplicity. "Banh Mi" is bread. "Ga" is chicken. "Banh Mi Ga" is a chicken sandwich. Prefer your chicken sandwich grilled? "Banh Mi Ga Nuong". Prefer it fried? "Banh Mi Ga Chien". Want rice with your sandwich? "Com". Prefer fried rice? "Com Chien". The name of many foods reads like a recipe for making it.

[TBoneTX 43,422]

"Com Chien".

Isn't this shorthand for the rulers of Red China?

[rlogan 2,036]

However, in the beginning, when some of my American friends either giggled at or corrected my usage of a word, I didn't take offense. I laughed along with them and would say "Oh, this is how you say it here, in India we pronounce it as such-and-such." Getting defensive and clamming up doesn't do any good. Rather, having a humorous attitude about such things help.

GOOD ATTITUDE.

There are a couple different reasons people might correct pronunciation or grammar.

One reason is that people might genuinely be trying to help. I did this with a Filipina wife to a friend of mine, and she just clammed up. I tried to explain to her I was sincere about helping her and asked her to try repeating it correctly. She refused to utter a sound. She went for years with horrible pronunciation, and the result was people ignoring her, people becoming very annoyed with her by asking repeatedly for her to say something again and again until they could figure out what she was saying. She couldn't even pronounce her husband's name correctly after living here a decade.

I noticed too that when they finally figured out shat she was saying they would state "Oh, you mean XYZ". Instead of then pronouncing it correctly after them, she would do the same thing: ignore the correct pronunciation and never correct herself. Sheesh, talk about a bad attitude - putting the onus on everyone else to figure out what she was saying instead of trying to do it correctly herself.

The other reason people "correct" pronunciation comes in the form of a put-down. Shallow, provincial people with zero experience outside the block they live on like to make fun of different cultures, as if there was something wrong with them. They aren't interested in correcting you - they just want to laugh at you.

But you have identified the correct response in either case. If it is friendly, then correct your pronunciation in a friendly way. If it is making fun of you, then correct your pronunciation in a friendly way. Show that you don't let people get under your skin. Show them you have self-confidence and are not embarassed by such a thing. After all, incorrect pronunciation is not a permanent personality defect.

Having the wrong attitude though - that is a personality defect.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

GOOD ATTITUDE.

There are a couple different reasons people might correct pronunciation or grammar.

One reason is that people might genuinely be trying to help. I did this with a Filipina wife to a friend of mine, and she just clammed up. I tried to explain to her I was sincere about helping her and asked her to try repeating it correctly. She refused to utter a sound. She went for years with horrible pronunciation, and the result was people ignoring her, people becoming very annoyed with her by asking repeatedly for her to say something again and again until they could figure out what she was saying. She couldn't even pronounce her husband's name correctly after living here a decade.

I noticed too that when they finally figured out shat she was saying they would state "Oh, you mean XYZ". Instead of then pronouncing it correctly after them, she would do the same thing: ignore the correct pronunciation and never correct herself. Sheesh, talk about a bad attitude - putting the onus on everyone else to figure out what she was saying instead of trying to do it correctly herself.

The other reason people "correct" pronunciation comes in the form of a put-down. Shallow, provincial people with zero experience outside the block they live on like to make fun of different cultures, as if there was something wrong with them. They aren't interested in correcting you - they just want to laugh at you.

But you have identified the correct response in either case. If it is friendly, then correct your pronunciation in a friendly way. If it is making fun of you, then correct your pronunciation in a friendly way. Show that you don't let people get under your skin. Show them you have self-confidence and are not embarassed by such a thing. After all, incorrect pronunciation is not a permanent personality defect.

Having the wrong attitude though - that is a personality defect.

Your post bothers me.. mainly because I worry about my attitude and I try really hard not to be bothered by the corrections but also because I do find it offensive sometimes that people tell me I'm saying it wrong when it's not "wrong" and their way isn't "correct" it's just different (it's not like I'm calling a chair a lamp). I can usually tell when someone is being picky (meaning they know what I mean they just want to correct me) or just confirming the word cause they're not sure what word I was saying but I will sometimes pronounce it their way just for "next time" there's confusion but that doesn't mean I change my way of saying it... just when there's confusion... nothing wrong with people getting used to hearing an accent.

There's a few words that my accent naturally pronounces differently. Not wrong, differently and sometimes when I'm "corrected" it bothers me because they're basically saying I HAVE to change my accent. I tend to ignore the corrections from friends/family because they KNOW what I'm saying... I just sound different. For instance the other day I was talking to Tony and halfway through a sentence he "corrected" a word. There was no confusion, he knew exactly what I said and what I meant, he just wanted me to say it differently and I told him that he knew what I said and he understood it so why change it? When it's a word that I need to change because it sounds VERY different (like pawn) I try and use a different word or pretend I don't know the word and instead explain it.

In the company of strangers I am more careful because they don't know what I'm saying. I try and make sure I use the right American word (i.e. ketchup not tomato sauce) and if they say "huh?" I sometimes put on an American accent so they know what I'm saying but typically I switch words. I don't enjoy my "American accent"... the method of forming words is irritating.. obviously just because it's not something I'm used to. In my previous example apparently the word "pawn" sounds like I'm saying "porn" and of course that makes people laugh. In order to say it "American" I need to say "pond" but omit the 'd' so it's "pon"... and that's just odd to me and I feel like a moron 'cause my brain knows I'm saying pon and not "pawn".

I've also already had Aussie family/friends "correct" me when posting on FB using American words and the "oh god you haven't lost your accent as well have you?"... It's like I can't win. They too KNOW what I mean (for instance I mentioned my "truck" as it's called in the US, where in Aus it's a Ute. In Aus a truck would be a semi in the US.) but I know some people back home (not my good friends thankfully) are offended if I change how I talk, and use different words.. they consider it "sad" and "pathetic" that I'm changing who I am and how I talk "so quickly". Some even think it's fake. When I went back to Aus when Dad was sick I met with an acquaintance and she laughed at my words once or twice... /sigh

Also, on the name front my BIL's name is Aaron and here they pronounce it like Erin so for a while I thought it odd that boys had the name Erin (it's a girls name in Aus).

Some accents are particularly thick and that makes life hard (like mum and dad's accent.. Tony has no idea half the time.. especially not on the phone) so in some cases the accent needs to change a little... but around good friends and family they should get used to it a bit.