Hell after NOA2

[dogspot 90]

It's time for you to move on. Just a little advice: If your future love does not give you something for Valentines Day, don't mention it to her. She said she sent something, and you even confirmed it with the florist, yet you still made her feel guilty for not receiving anything. Threatening her with the visa was really, really low, very stupid, and likely the nail in the coffin for your relationship. You want to know how something could go wrong so fast? I think she saw you as an immature, manipulative little boy and decided to move on with her life. Also, holding her to expectations of how she should act after receiving NOA2 is really unfair. People react differently to these types of things and you need to accept that. Ultimately the two of you were not right for each other and need to move on with your lives. It's sad and unfortunate that things had to end the way they did, but it also sounds like you need to take some time and mature a little bit before making plans to spend your life with someone.

[thelastpetitioner 218]

man up princess

amen

[Sam and Fen 41]

It is better to break up now then after she comes here, so suck it up and move on.

As another poster suggested "hold off on the visa" Those words can not give her any confidence to come here.

Finally, it is very normal to have anxiety of coming to the US leaving behind everything you know.

My wife recently confided that after we got the K1 approval she could not sleep for weeks before she quit her job in China and came here.

[Y&E 12]

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm pregnant and have raging hormones or what but you seem to be a jerk to me. You tell her you want to hold off on the visa cause she didn't say Happy Valentines day to you. She sent you a gift it was the florist fault you did not receive it. To me that's a threat, telling her you do as I want or else I will hold this visa over your head. That is probably how her parent's see it also, the threats are already starting in their eyes and like any parent they want to protect their daughter.

Then you find out she is in the hospital, and you question her father how can some little argument do that to her, but then you end up in the hospital over all this and get mad at her cause she is not jumping at your side calling none stop etc. Seems to me you are just as immature as she is.

Moving and leaving everything you know and love is not easy for anyone, no matter the age. Some ppl do have very close family and family is a big part of their lives, some ppl can not handle it other's manage to make it through but it is not done over night.

Again this is how I see it from your post.

From a non-pregnant person I have to agree with what is said here. It is very hard to leave what you know especially if you have pressure from family not to leave. It is even hard to leave when you have your family's support. It sounds as if you are both very close to your parents. Stand in her shoes and think about how you'd feel if you had to leave your family behind and not know when you'd next see them. Add that to your attitude about how love should be shown. To be honest, I really don't blame her for not wanting to come. However, she should have had the decency to respond to you and let you know why she had changed her mind.

[coraliesolms 47]

This process can chew you up alive. I remember 3 days after my hubby and I were approved at the NVC we were both talking to divorce attorneys.. oversomething so rediculous I cant even remember exactly what it was. After a few days of not talking, I picked up the phone and apologized for turning a mountain into a mole hill and we started talking again.

Perhaps some cool down time, and perhaps an apology for threatening the visa (my hubby NEVER told me he would hold off on the visa, no matter HOW bad things got). I would also apologise for the Valetines pettiness. She sent you something, the florist is the one you should be mad at, not your fiance.

If you are very serious about this, I would book a plane ticket and go and save this. If you are ready to move on, contact NVC and stop the petition.

[KiwiBird 132]

I didn't read most of the replies... so if my comment seems 'isolated' from the discussion, that's why.

First, I don't see why getting flowers on Valentine's Day is that big of a deal. It's just a single day. Did she say she loved you any other day? Why wasn't that good enough?

And second... you're kind of making her sound like she's all to blame here. First it's "I love her, she's wonderful" and in this post, it's "she is cruel and heartless." So you're blaming her for pulling a 180 on you, but yet your attitude towards her just did the same thing.

It takes two... I'm sorry if I don't sound sympathetic to your situation, but it's always wise to remember there are two sides to every story and argument.

I do hope things get better for you, though. I do hope this is all just a big miscommunication and things all work out soon.

[lakambini 1]

I don't know how to start this topic, but I am extremely upset, confused, angry, and depressed as I write this now. I can use other readers' advice on how to deal with my situation now.

My ex-fiancee's K-1 visa petition was approved on January 31, but over the past month, our relationship literally fell off the cliff. My ex-fiancee and I had been patiently waiting for our NOA2 for over 5 months, and this topic would be our subject of discussion day in and day out. We were both equally super excited and zealous about her coming to the U.S. and starting a life with me. And we started planning what we would do and how she would adjust after she moved. Yet after we get our NOA2, I noticed a stark and unexpected change in her attitude about the whole approval of our petition. In the days after our NOA2, she was suddenly depressed all the time when I expected her to be enthusiastic and joyous about our approval. I asked her repeatedly about her reaction toward our approval when I was hoping and expecting for several months prior that she would celebrate this occasion. She told me her parents are constantly telling her that they love her and they do not want to let her go. And I'm left wondering why are they saying this now when these things were settled several months ago before I visited her in India last summer to get engaged. About a week after our approval, we had a series of arguments about this. After those arguments, we eventually came back together, and I told her I understand how big of a sacrifice she is making to leave her country and her family behind to spend her life with me. And I told her I would do everything I can to support her and guide her in a trying time like this. So a few more weeks went by but we constantly had recurring conversations whether if she can manage to live away from her country and her family. I always consoled her during this time, but I thought in the back of my head that someone who is questioning so much to move to me has serious doubts, maybe about the move or maybe about our relationship.

But things unexpectedly crashed last week for Valentine's week. On Monday of last week, I had planned something special for her as I organized one of the flower services in India to send her flowers and candy on Valentine's Day. She received the flowers but the chocolates arrived a few days later. And I later learned on Valentine's Day she had planned something for me on the same day with a florist service here in the U.S. She told me this on Monday. I returned home from work on Monday expecting something waiting at my door, but I found nothing. I called her and told her I got nothing. She was very sad to learn this. So she gave the number of the florist service, I called them, and I learned they had gotten my address and phone number wrong. The florist service told me they would attempt to deliver again on Tuesday. So I went to work on Tuesday, returned home, and found nothing again. She called me later that night, and I told her I'm feeling very sad because this would be the 2nd Valentine's Day apart from each other and the 2nd Valentine's Day I sent her a gift and she did not send me anything. She was more sad and our conversation ended at that. On the next morning, she sent me an apology email. Because I was too sad and upset about the whole situation, I emailed her back saying I was really expecting something for this year's Valentine's Day. I understood it was not her fault the florist service could not deliver, but since she did not even bother to say Happy Valentine's Day either through email or a simple card in the mail, I told her I am really upset about this situation and I would like to hold off on the visa. I felt as though I've been doing everything for her constantly over several months, including visiting her and her family in India and her visa, and in return I do not get a single actual gesture of love from her. I've heard her tell me she loves me too many times. But on this Valentine's Day, I was really expecting something from her. It did not have to be complicated. Something simple like an email or a Valentine's Day card would have sufficed. I know she was making the true sacrifice of moving to me, but does that mean she never has the need to show her love for me ever through all these holidays like Valentine's Day and my birthday because she will one day make the true sacrifice?

A day later, I called her, and her phone was turned off all day. I called her dad later that day. I found out from him she was hospitalized. He told me he will call me later on. I was in total shock and totally helpless. I wanted to do something but I could not do anything being this far away. For the next 4 days, I called day in and day out, but her phone was turned off each day. So after waiting for her dad's phone call during those days, I called her dad again last Sunday, and both her parents told me their daughter recently returned from the hospital. I asked if she was okay and what went wrong. And they both blamed me for the whole situation and were suddenly dead against our whole marriage. I asked how can someone be hospitalized over a small comment like that. They gave me a very vague answer. I asked to speak with her, but they would not allow me to speak with her. They told me never to call them again. And these words are coming from parents who made a promise that we are getting married at a temple in front of God last summer.

Immediately after hearing this, I called my parents who were out of town. I told them the whole situation. They could not understand why her parents insulted me for calling them to ask about their daughter's health. While on the phone with them and not able to bear this stress anymore, I started to experience anxiety attacks and collapsed on the floor. My parents sensed something was seriously wrong, and they called an ambulance on my behalf. I spent the next 24 hours in a hospital. My dad flew in from out of town to take care of me and has been with me ever since that day. During this time, my dad sent my fiancee an email stating I was admitted to the hospital and did not understand what she was doing and why. Amazingly, my fiancee never bothered to reply back to that email asking if I was okay or safe.

After I returned from the hospital, our relationship spiraled into total destruction. I was hoping things would cool off, but I could never imagine what would suddenly happen. A day later, she sent me an email saying only the words, "I quit". I only replied back saying "I'm sorry". A day after that, she sent me a message on Facebook asking me to remove all our photos together and her friends from my friend list. I never replied back to that message, but I wanted to ask her why she was cutting it off suddenly. I did not ask her that question since I knew she would never bother to answer back as she was ignoring my dad and me. I did not want to be feel insulted all over again because she had been ignoring my texts throughout the week and her parents had insulted me viciously on the phone when I called to ask about her health. And today, she finally took the last step and un-friended me from Facebook and is asking all her friends to do the same.

And now I am left with a thousand questions.

How can she just dump me over a simple little argument over Valentine's Day?

How can she not bother to contact my dad if I'm okay knowing I've been sent to the hospital when she knew I was contacting her and her dad repeatedly when she was in the hospital?

How can she value her anger over my safety?

How can she just ignore everything I've done for her over the past 15 months, including my visit to her country, our engagement, and all my effort and money spent on this fiancee visa?

How can 14 months worth of happiness and joy be destroyed over a single month of confusion and bitterness because all our arguments had begun after we got our NOA2?

How can something so good go wrong so fast?

My parents are supporting and encouraging me in a time like this. They're now telling me a girl who can be this heartless and cruel as not to care about your health stopped loving you. "If she was truly in love with you, no matter the argument, she would have had the urge to call just once to see if you're okay." And my parents are telling me, "she lived in a fantasy world all this time thinking she would move to America. But when our petition for her visa was approved, she fell back down to reality and thought she cannot give up everything for me". They're saying she did not realize just how tough a move from one country to another can be and she did not have the maturity to let go of her parents nor the amount of love to actually make this move for me. I shared my experience with one of my senior colleagues at work, and he echoed the same sentiment telling me she is not mature enough to marry a guy at her age and would probably not have been happy after she moved to the U.S. I asked one of my good friends about this situation, and he told me their family will one day regret what they've done to me.

With such thoughts in my head, now I am left wondering I loved someone so dearly that I visited her, dragged my parents with me into visiting her last summer, got engaged at a temple in front of God, returned to the U.S., spent a lot of time, effort, and money into our fiancee visa, went through 5 months of heart ache waiting for our approval, and finally received our NOA2. After over 12 months worth of effort, she just threw me out on the street when things finally looked bright for us. And now I feel like a total fool. I have posted many threads on this website asking for advice and opinions on official matters, but now I need some desperate advice on a very emotional matter, for which I know our relationship ended suddenly and heartlessly. I would like to hear thoughts from others on this matter please. Maybe what I did was wrong about the whole Valentine's Day incident, but I was totally willing to make up for it as we have had many simple arguments like this in the past. But is a simple argument like that good enough to throw away something as precious as love? How can she do this to me? How do I move on from this? What do with my life now?

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH Ontarkie.SHE MAY BE RIGHT...

[Utha 10]

You have tobe a writter. I believe many of the vj members experience the same ups and down mood in this hard long distance process and relationship. I think it is just about how to know more about our couple, our culture, our habit. You just know each other less than two years, while marriage is about learning about each other everyday, for the rest of our life. One significant benefit from this long visa process is to know, and to learn each other more, how to deal with our future couple. It is about commitment. There will always be a problem, but it is about how strong our commitment about it. Nothing gonna ruin it if our love and commitment are stronger than it.

Take a break sometime, go call and contact her. Love is not about receiving, you do trully love someone when you don't care what u gonna take but what u gonna give. Dont give up. It is not easy to find the one who love and we love. Outsider can tell you everything, but in the end TRUE TO YOUR HEART.

Edited February 26, 2011 by Utha

[Utha 10]

One more thing; dont listen too much to bad advices although they are ur friend and family. Once u break with her, they will move with their own life, while u? Will u?. Just listen to your heart.

Edited February 26, 2011 by Utha

[Penny Lane 8,159]

I think this relationship ending is the best thing that could happen for the both of you. You also seem to have some issues that you need to work on for yourself. The fact that a simple thing sent you over the edge to want to hold off on the Visa says a lot about you, just as much as her attitude says about her.

[Al422 221]

If it is any help, I was there.

Seven years ago, I met who I thought was the love of my life. I filed the I129f, and back in those days, the Vermont Disservice Center was the Vermont Service Center. President Bush was still running the show.so Obamination and Napolitano Bonaparte did not get a chance to screw it up yet. As a result, we were getting our NOA2s in 30 days.

On day 89, 3 days before her interview (yes it really was that fast under President Bush), she apparently decided that she did not want to do it anymore. But rather than call it off, she began to act obnoxiously, trying to get me to pull the plug. When I wouldn't do it, she reacted by getting more obnoxious, even going as far as demanding to be paid by me to attend her interview (not just the expenses; she wanted cash payment for her labor). I won't bore you with the details, but eventually she pushed me far enough to call it off. That way in her mind, I was the bad guy, not her.

Your fiance is from a culture where family is everything. If you want her back, you need to work on her family. Send them something. Then e-mail them and ask when would be a convenient time for you to call.

[del-11-03-2013 1]

I totally agree with Al422

If it is any help, I was there.

Seven years ago, I met who I thought was the love of my life. I filed the I129f, and back in those days, the Vermont Disservice Center was the Vermont Service Center. President Bush was still running the show.so Obamination and Napolitano Bonaparte did not get a chance to screw it up yet. As a result, we were getting our NOA2s in 30 days.

On day 89, 3 days before her interview (yes it really was that fast under President Bush), she apparently decided that she did not want to do it anymore. But rather than call it off, she began to act obnoxiously, trying to get me to pull the plug. When I wouldn't do it, she reacted by getting more obnoxious, even going as far as demanding to be paid by me to attend her interview (not just the expenses; she wanted cash payment for her labor). I won't bore you with the details, but eventually she pushed me far enough to call it off. That way in her mind, I was the bad guy, not her.

Your fiance is from a culture where family is everything. If you want her back, you need to work on her family. Send them something. Then e-mail them and ask when would be a convenient time for you to call.

[Afrikan Queen 11]

I'm a really shocked and embarrassed by some of the comments that were made on here. My friends would never tell to give up, unless it's a life or death situation. You put a lot of time and effort in your relationship. My advice, give her time if need be and then talk to her, not her family -you stated that you are already making this effort. Hopefully she'll come around. Take this as a lesson to be learned.

[angel475 2]

Wait wait, let me get this straight, this all started from you being upset that she didnt say "Happy Valentine's day" who cares!!! if you truly love each other, Valentines day would be inevitable, you do not need a special day to say "I Love You"

I'm sorry for what happened, but i think maybe this is a good time to evaluate if you really love each other. If this is the case, you will make it through without that hallmark holiday.if not, its not meant to be. Her parents are only seeing her pain, and as an instinct, they try to protect her...try being in her shoes for a moment, it might bring things into perspective.

[patient2010 93]