Divorce-Sad story

[Someone Sad 14]

How could she be happy if all her spouse think of was his ex gf, not her? And he failed at being her other half since he didn't protect her, take care of her...ect... Btw, she didn't break up with him over money.

Thank you so much!I am trying to make myself clear....i don't carre about the money..im not breaking up for that...i mention about the money that I gaved,(not him),a huge amount for me,that i want them back...becouse i feel that i've been played by him.

We are not talking here about the american way.

Would you like your husvand to bring you over his ex gf mom's house?Would you like to find her pics in his cellphone?and him to tell you that will erase they photo but before to do that he sents them in his email?Would you like your husband to say hey lets go to this hallowen party...(were it's gonna be there all her family including her ex gf).....

This is way im getting divorced!!!

Edited February 14, 2011 by Someone Sad

[nigel 7]

Im Miffed now..

What's this post about then? Getting Divorced, money, Green card, what?

Your X is a scumbag... remember there is always two sides to the story..Move on....it didnt work out...no kids involved here... Great news...

go back to college..Get your life back on track....and forget about him.....time is your best friend here..

Good Luck

[Myopia 93]

That girl was a dancer so the photos in the cellphone,was whit her dancing outfitt.

And yes the photo i found in our bedroom it was whit her in her bikini. It is not funny.

And i don't think he keeped them like a suvenir neither,the girl now has 100 pounds more then she was 4 years ago.

I just want to say. Men dont care about weight half as much as women think they do. Its not about her weight. He has an emotional connection with her that he doesn't want to lose.

I wish you the best.

[Jim&Natasha 24]

You are not being direct, YOU are the one being rude, and truly going off on tangents which don't belong here. She said she didn't want to go after him for assets that she may be 'entitled' to but she feels aren't hers. She just wants what they agreed upon. You then went off about courts, how she's trying to be controlling, how she's created her own problems, how they have 'major underlying issues', and basically told her to suck it up and move on.

btw - Unless any of us know the ins and outs of her particular situation, know this couple personally, none of us is qualified to say 'you won't get a thing in court'.

Basically, this just smells odd...while I'm not tarring and feathering the guy, I do think the situation he's manifested is questionable. New wife to the ex gf's mother's house? No way. Sure, there are 3 sides to every story, but to blast this woman and say she's trying to control her husband is just lunacy at best. Who are you to tell her how her actions made him feel? Do you know either one of them? What 'huge, underlying issues' were in their relationship that you speak of? If you know this couple personally, then by all means, disclose that and I will retract my statements here.

Give her advice on how to proceed, sure....sit in judgment of her life and actions and form opinions without all the relevant facts? THAT'S rude. And stupid.

Then to top it off, she politely clarifies her post to you, and you call her rude. *smh*

So glad to know that you are "Captain of the World" here, and you think you unilaterally set the parameters of discussion. Duly noted and ignored.

So you are happy to jump in and judge me and attack and insult me. So everyone else is rude, but YOU never are? If it makes you feel better to call me names, knock yourself out.

I stand by everything I said. She IS trying to CONTROL him, among other things.

The process of trying to "win" anything from him in family court will be a net loss for her. Do you really think otherwise? She mentioned $10,000 as the amount she is resentful about, money of hers that paid for the reception. That $10,000 represents thousands of hours of her work, to be able to save that up. Attorneys typically bill around $200 per hour. So 50 hours of attorney time, and there goes another $10,000 already, just on attorney fees, with no guarantee that she'll get any of the original $10,000 back. Often when the emotions kick in, the critical thinking and logic shut off. Are you advising her to spend lots of money on attorneys, hoping to get a big payday? So you think family court is a great way to settle disputes? Is that your advice to her?

Perhaps you are one of those "the man is always evil and wrong" people, and who thinks VAWA is a great thing. It works OK until it's your sons or your brothers that are on the wrong end of this travesty from a scammer false accuser. Then suddenly you are cut off from seeing nieces/nephews/grandkids because an angry spiteful woman has decided to punish a man who is your connection to these children. Does one woman's emotion and anger justify a choice to cut children off from half their family? Is the man always wrong, the woman always right, and a strong emotion of anger on the part of the woman justifies anything she chooses to do to try to hurt the offending man?

By her own admission, the original poster indicates she has alienated the other women in her husband's life, mothers, sisters, friends, etc. against her, some to the point of calling her names. Her behavior, whatever she has done that she hasn't described here, has triggered some pretty strong feelings in these people. So there's a lot more to the story here that she's glossing over.

I suggested that she COMMUNICATE with her husband, and try to LISTEN to how he FEELS. Do you think it is a bad idea for a spouse to honestly listen to their partner and see what they are feeling? She seems so angry and more interested in BLAMING him and if only HE would change and do what SHE wants him to do, life would be great. I don't detect a willingness on her part to understand. There are two sides to every story. The real problem that led to this mess is probably way upstream. Her trying to get him to change external behavior, stop associating with ex-GF and her family, etc. could temporarily do just that, change external behavior, but the underlying issues with their relationship would still be there, and just come out in a different way.

Attack me, call me rude some more if you wish, tell me what I can and can't say. Feel free to sit in judgment of me some more, if it makes you feel better. You don't see the irony in you attacking me in this way?

The original poster needs to also consider her own actions and choices and how they led to this circumstance, and mostly what I detect from her is anger towards the husband. Setting out to hurt him is very unlikely to actually help her, even if she were to "win" in some trivial way in divorce court. I hope she is successful in getting past the anger and moving on from here for her own greater good in life.

[Someone Sad 14]

I stand by everything I said. She IS trying to CONTROL him, among other things.

I suggested that she COMMUNICATE with her husband, and try to LISTEN to how he FEELS. Do you think it is a bad idea for a spouse to honestly listen to their partner and see what they are feeling? She seems so angry and more interested in BLAMING him and if only HE would change and do what SHE wants him to do, life would be great. I don't detect a willingness on her part to understand. There are two sides to every story.

I would like you to explain me wich part I CONTROL HIM?The one when someone grabbed me and he didn't protected me,the one when he was buying baby clothes for his ex gf,(who dumbed him after 3 months to be whit the one whom is married now and have 2 kids togheter)or the one when after 3 years togheter still had around 20 pics whit her in his cellphone,guess what?He forgot those,but he didnt't forgot to sent them in his e-mail when i asked him to erase them.woowww(this is my side of story,wich one is him?Let's hear your potencial side of HIS story.

You are saying that im blaiming him,and they are 2 sides of every story.HOW IN THE WORLD CAN U EXCUSE A PERSON AFTER SO MANY THINGS?

Maybe in Moldavia you excuse mens when they are drinking too much,not supporting their family(they womens are working,it is fine for them not to work,play backamon whit their friends or gambling)and 3 times a week beating their wifes...yes we know the situation there too...so no wonder you are giving this advises.Your are not in a world that we forgive mans for everything,neither in a feminist world.

[LvivLovers 39]

Is he the father of one of his ex's children? That's what it sounds like and might explain some of his weird behavior.

[Kiv 32]

Hello,

Sorry for what you are going trough.

It may not have been a good decission to use your savings for your wedding, (but I am not in your shoes).

even if they said , pinky-promised or anything that you were going to get it back.

I think you should be ready to accept that you will loose that money or go through an expensive and exhausting process to get it back.

Maybe you will loose your marriage too If you and your husband cannot find a way to solve the ex issue and other things that you have been hurt for.

Not everything is lost, If you are determined to study in the US.

You still can come back, get a job and start again, you have conditional residence, you can get the permanent even if you decide to have a Divorce, you are related to the bona fide evidences required since you went trough the first part of AOS. If you stay out of the contry for too much time you may loose this chance too.

Good luck with your studies and with your personal life whatever decisions you take.

[Someone Sad 14]

Is he the father of one of his ex's children? That's what it sounds like and might explain some of his weird behavior.

He is not the father.They were only for 3 months toggheter,4 years ago.He had also a relation whit a girl 6 years,and he never mentions her!

That girl had her own family now,a husband and 2 kids wht her husband!

Edited February 19, 2011 by Someone Sad

[Boiler 44,857]

So what is your immigration issue?

[Jim&Natasha 24]

I would like you to explain me wich part I CONTROL HIM?The one when someone grabbed me and he didn't protected me,the one when he was buying baby clothes for his ex gf,(who dumbed him after 3 months to be whit the one whom is married now and have 2 kids togheter)or the one when after 3 years togheter still had around 20 pics whit her in his cellphone,guess what?He forgot those,but he didnt't forgot to sent them in his e-mail when i asked him to erase them.woowww(this is my side of story,wich one is him?Let's hear your potencial side of HIS story.

You are saying that im blaiming him,and they are 2 sides of every story.HOW IN THE WORLD CAN U EXCUSE A PERSON AFTER SO MANY THINGS?

Maybe in Moldavia you excuse mens when they are drinking too much,not supporting their family(they womens are working,it is fine for them not to work,play backamon whit their friends or gambling)and 3 times a week beating their wifes...yes we know the situation there too...so no wonder you are giving this advises.Your are not in a world that we forgive mans for everything,neither in a feminist world.

To summarize your response to the *actual questions* I asked:

1) You have no understanding of how he FEELS about the whole situation, and how things look if you were standing in his shoes.

2) You have no interest in actually communicating and listening to him to elicit and try to understand his point of view.

3) Your focus seems more on getting others to take your side, and to validate your position. I am not hearing that YOU are actually willing to work on the relationship.

I also think you are confusing *understanding* his point of view with *agreeing* with him. The simple act of understanding how someone feels does not mean you agree with them, only that you CARE enough about THEM to LISTEN and to try to understand how they see things and how they feel. When people feel listened to and cared about, miraculous things can happen in relationships. When they don't, there is little good that will happen.

The things you write suggest you in fact don't care very much about him and how he feels. I get no idea from you that you either understand or care about how things have been for him. Was it easy and inexpensive for him to bring you over here? Do you think this is how he hoped things would turn out? I think the problems started well before the cell phone pictures incident. Most men would notice this attitude of not caring by their partner. A frustrated man might hold onto "fantasy" relationships with ex's as an escape from the unhappiness he feels in his current relationship.

I do not defend this man's actions and choices, especially the ones that were hurtful to you. He acts in ignorant and uncaring ways, based on what you say. This man may indeed be a sack of animal fertilizer. However, your communications here suggest that you think he is 100% "wrong" and you are 100% "right". The reality of human interactions is that this black/white thinking model is seldom true, and almost never helpful to a relationship.

It is useless to attack me, and only distracts your energies from the real problems. Truly understanding his point of view would help you greatly. Review the specific suggestions in my earlier post. A counselor would help greatly with this process if you could get your husband to go with you. A true understanding and caring, even at this late date, could defuse the anger (on both sides) and help the process of divorce and moving on.

P.S. I would not know about Moldavian men. I'm American. Are Moldavian women like this also? Will my fiancee drink excessively and beat me whenever I displease her? Ouch, that will be a lot of beatings! I suppose I'll try to please her in so many ways she will love me despite my failings and not beat me at all. I have three happy, healthy, loving, successful young adult children, 22, 20, and 18. The two oldest (daughters) will graduate from U.S. universities next year.

[Fandango 1,439]

So glad to know that you are "Captain of the World" here, and you think you unilaterally set the parameters of discussion. Duly noted and ignored.

So you are happy to jump in and judge me and attack and insult me. So everyone else is rude, but YOU never are? If it makes you feel better to call me names, knock yourself out.

I stand by everything I said. She IS trying to CONTROL him, among other things.

The process of trying to "win" anything from him in family court will be a net loss for her. Do you really think otherwise? She mentioned $10,000 as the amount she is resentful about, money of hers that paid for the reception. That $10,000 represents thousands of hours of her work, to be able to save that up. Attorneys typically bill around $200 per hour. So 50 hours of attorney time, and there goes another $10,000 already, just on attorney fees, with no guarantee that she'll get any of the original $10,000 back. Often when the emotions kick in, the critical thinking and logic shut off. Are you advising her to spend lots of money on attorneys, hoping to get a big payday? So you think family court is a great way to settle disputes? Is that your advice to her?

Perhaps you are one of those "the man is always evil and wrong" people, and who thinks VAWA is a great thing. It works OK until it's your sons or your brothers that are on the wrong end of this travesty from a scammer false accuser. Then suddenly you are cut off from seeing nieces/nephews/grandkids because an angry spiteful woman has decided to punish a man who is your connection to these children. Does one woman's emotion and anger justify a choice to cut children off from half their family? Is the man always wrong, the woman always right, and a strong emotion of anger on the part of the woman justifies anything she chooses to do to try to hurt the offending man?

By her own admission, the original poster indicates she has alienated the other women in her husband's life, mothers, sisters, friends, etc. against her, some to the point of calling her names. Her behavior, whatever she has done that she hasn't described here, has triggered some pretty strong feelings in these people. So there's a lot more to the story here that she's glossing over.

I suggested that she COMMUNICATE with her husband, and try to LISTEN to how he FEELS. Do you think it is a bad idea for a spouse to honestly listen to their partner and see what they are feeling? She seems so angry and more interested in BLAMING him and if only HE would change and do what SHE wants him to do, life would be great. I don't detect a willingness on her part to understand. There are two sides to every story. The real problem that led to this mess is probably way upstream. Her trying to get him to change external behavior, stop associating with ex-GF and her family, etc. could temporarily do just that, change external behavior, but the underlying issues with their relationship would still be there, and just come out in a different way.

Attack me, call me rude some more if you wish, tell me what I can and can't say. Feel free to sit in judgment of me some more, if it makes you feel better. You don't see the irony in you attacking me in this way?

The original poster needs to also consider her own actions and choices and how they led to this circumstance, and mostly what I detect from her is anger towards the husband. Setting out to hurt him is very unlikely to actually help her, even if she were to "win" in some trivial way in divorce court. I hope she is successful in getting past the anger and moving on from here for her own greater good in life.

You came in this thread making wild accusations and judging the OP to the point where you're being quite presumptuous with 'filling in the blanks' in the parts of their story that none of us know. Your posts display a textbook misogynistic view of women. You made your wild accusations, and when the OP came back to politely reply to you even though she told you you were being rude, you attacked her yet again and called her rude, which I find rich.

I'm not telling you what you can or can't say - what I did was tell you how rude and presumptuous you came across. I didn't call everyone rude, btw - just you.

There's no irony there.

[Jim&Natasha 24]

You came in this thread making wild accusations and judging the OP to the point where you're being quite presumptuous with 'filling in the blanks' in the parts of their story that none of us know. Your posts display a textbook misogynistic view of women. You made your wild accusations, and when the OP came back to politely reply to you even though she told you you were being rude, you attacked her yet again and called her rude, which I find rich.

I'm not telling you what you can or can't say - what I did was tell you how rude and presumptuous you came across. I didn't call everyone rude, btw - just you.

There's no irony there.

You choose ad hominem attack against me, and call me names. It is easier to simply name-call and try to attach derisive labels to someone you disagree with. Unfortunately, it also turns attention away from honest and open discussion.

Do you believe the OP actually UNDERSTANDS her husband's point of view? I see no indication she does, based on her postings. Is two-way listening and communication and caring important in close relationships? Is the husband not a person too? Can you address substantive questions like these instead of calling me names? I do not take offense when you call me names, so you may continue if you truly feel you must.

Do you "fill in the blanks" in the OP's account by assuming the man is always wrong and evil, and the woman always virtuous and pure? Do you have sons and brothers? As men, should they be presumed wrong and evil in any matter of disagreement with any woman, simply because they are male? I think not. Absent reasonable data from *both* sides, the most reasonable starting point is 50/50 responsibility between the two parties for the poor circumstances.

The OP needs to go to work on the 50% of the relationship that is under her control. Learning this skill will be important in any intimate relationship, with the current husband, or another man in the future. The OP is so focused on her own emotional pain, so angry with the husband, so attached to her feeling of righteousness, that it has prevented her from honestly and openly understanding and considering the husband's viewpoint. This pattern is likely to recur in future relationships, if she doesn't go to work on it here. As they say, "Do you want to be *right*, or do you want to be *happy*?" Perhaps if the husband felt truly listened to and cared about, it could free him from whatever emotional needs drive him to engage in these negative behaviors towards his wife. Understand, I do not defend the husband's poor behavior, and also consider him also at least 50% responsible for the sad circumstances.

In an earlier post, I suggested to the OP a specific challenge to seek full understanding of her husband's viewpoint. With listening and communication and caring, on both sides, remarkable things could still happen. I do expect the OP would have to be the one to take the initiative on this. Their relationship is splitting in two, at great cost and difficulty and stress to both parties, and she seems to know little about what her husband feels and how he sees things.

[Someone Sad 14]

I know this post is very old,Thank you again for all the replys.I was thinking to update and let everyone know how the things turned.

So i left USA and refuse to talk with my husband(because i was convinced that he was cheating me).

The first month i was very mad about all the things that happened,and as the time was going by was very hard to be apart from him.It was a mixed of fellings beeing mad,sad,missing him and doubts about what if i am wrong?

I camed back and i went in court to file a divorce.I was standing there holding the papers in my hand and i couldn't stop crying!I can't explain what i was feelling but was a very hard pain,and i couln't control my tears.The officer was expecting me to handle the papers and i left outside to calm down a little bit.

Since i got back i noticed my husband stopped any comunication with his ex's and her family,and tryed in every possible way to make our marriage to work.

I never filed those papers.

We are togheter and very happy,and the things for the last 2 years(almost) are perfect!!Next year we want to plan our first baby

I don't regreted that i gived him a chance,i think i was too stubborn with all the situation,and actually i gaved us a chance.

Edited February 22, 2013 by Someone Sad

[MIDUVIL 34]

I know this post is very old,Thank you again for all the replys.I was thinking to update and let everyone know how the things turned.

So i left USA and refuse to talk with my husband(because i was convinced that he was cheating me).

The first month i was very mad about all the things that happened,and as the time was going by was very hard to be apart from him.It was a mixed of fellings beeing mad,sad,missing him and doubts about what if i am wrong?

I camed back and i went in court to file a divorce.I was standing there holding the papers in my hand and i couldn't stop crying!I can't explain what i was feelling but was a very hard pain,and i couln't control my tears.The officer was expecting me to handle the papers and i left outside to calm down a little bit.

Since i got back i noticed my husband stopped any comunication with his ex's and her family,and tryed in every possible way to make our marriage to work.

I never filed those papers.

We are togheter and very happy,and the things for the last 2 years(almost) are perfect!!Next year we want to plan our first baby

I don't regreted that i gived him a chance,i think i was too stubborn with all the situation,and actually i gaved us a chance.

Just read your posts, thank you to share with us. It's very nice.

Some men are just , but I think that they are less complicated than women and can do some silly thing , but we are there to show them what to do lol.

Glad for you that everything is fine and good luck for the future.

Edited February 22, 2013 by MIDUVIL

[Karee 4,190]

I know this post is very old,Thank you again for all the replys.I was thinking to update and let everyone know how the things turned.

So i left USA and refuse to talk with my husband(because i was convinced that he was cheating me).

The first month i was very mad about all the things that happened,and as the time was going by was very hard to be apart from him.It was a mixed of fellings beeing mad,sad,missing him and doubts about what if i am wrong?

I camed back and i went in court to file a divorce.I was standing there holding the papers in my hand and i couldn't stop crying!I can't explain what i was feelling but was a very hard pain,and i couln't control my tears.The officer was expecting me to handle the papers and i left outside to calm down a little bit.

Since i got back i noticed my husband stopped any comunication with his ex's and her family,and tryed in every possible way to make our marriage to work.

I never filed those papers.

We are togheter and very happy,and the things for the last 2 years(almost) are perfect!!Next year we want to plan our first baby

I don't regreted that i gived him a chance,i think i was too stubborn with all the situation,and actually i gaved us a chance.

Glad to hear it all worked out. Usually don't see too many good endings in this part of VJ.