Abusive Spouse - Please Help :(

[Please_Help 3]

Hello all, I am so deeply sadened that I have to write this post out after spending so much time in anticipation in getting my spouse here. I am going to keep this somewhat vague as my spouse monitors everything and I do not want this coming back on me...

First off, I have a VERY abusive spouse... mentally, verbally and physically. All of this isn't new, and I knew I should have stopped things a long time ago, but I chose to ignore it and now I am in this situation.

The most recent example was last night. I had promised I quit smoking, and I did, but the verbal abuse just got to me and I had a cigarette after I took a walk to be away for a little and came home smelling of a cigarette. This set things off and it got very physical quickly.

I had to restrain my spouse after being punched in the face, back, arms and shoved and being yelled at. I was restraining from behind when I was bitten leaving a blood blister on my arm and another bite makr with broken (even worse) skin. I decided to leave yet again and while I was gone my spouse had packed up and went to a friend's house (blessing I know).

The worst part is that my spouse only received the visa (has not received green card in mail yet) not more than two months ago and just arrived here one month ago. I had spent all day walking around town with my spouse getting a ss#, ID and bank account only to come home and be told that "Now that I have my SS#, ID and bank account, I am getting a new job, new person to be with and new start in America without me".

As for the physical violence last night, I went to the police and filed a report - a warrant has been issued for arrest. what will happen now? I know this will sound very arrogant of me to say something like this, but I do not want this person in my country. I want them back in their own country and to deal with things with oceans between us.

I feel so used, hurt, confused... I've lost all of my friends and I want to begin rebuilding but I feel like I am in limbo with my spouse still here and especially since my spouse is the only one with keys to my house (I cannot get those back).

Given the situation, the warrant, and the police report, how hard would it be to remove my spouse from this country? I do not want to end upfinancially supporting this person, ESPECIALLY after I have been the only one with a job for the past (almost) 2 years.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Krikit 1,163]

Moving from General Immigration to Effects of Major Changes.

[Darnell 8,478]

You would have to show substantial proof of visa fraud, at this point, since she came in on an I-130 and NOT an I-129F.

You might want to call ICE (# at the very bottom of this page, in the fine print) and inquire for any steps or process that you can start.

Also, call DOS Hotline (# in my profile), ask for a supervisor, explain that you think is visa fraud with your spouse, and ask what to do to stop the green card from being issued.

Now - even if the green card isn't issued to her, she still has a STAMP in her passport, that validates the visa to be used as a temporary I-551 document (green card) for one year.

As to what's possible and not possible, at this point - I can't even speculate - you need to call some folksen, make inquiries.

OTOH, it may be that she flipped out, and after she calmed down, can begin to talk with you again. I'm always a fan of working stuff out, but if you really feel it's not possible, you need to find out , from the gov ppl, what to do next.

[besaangel 17]

Call Ice.. number at bottom of page... Im sorry to hear about your ordeal hon. But you did the right thing by filing a police report. kudos for that

[Please_Help 3]

thank you for the replies.

I wish I could say that we could work things out. My spouse is SO irrational and blows any little thing up. I can't get a return phone call or text. I just wish things were different :*(

As far as being removed from the country, I have found that some cases you can be removed for domestic abuse since it involves moral turptitude. I do not have that much info on that, but has anyone heard of this?

Thank you so much again.

[em79sugar 1]

Just to verify, is their new greencard only good for two years? I know they can apply again after divorce but there are going to be some complications and now because she has most likely a criminal charge against her that will not look very good if she goes to reapply for a 10 year greencard in a couple of years. You may want to contact infopass as well or an immigration attorney about this issue. So sorry for what you are going through.

[Please_Help 3]

Just to verify, is their new greencard only good for two years? I know they can apply again after divorce but there are going to be some complications and now because she has most likely a criminal charge against her that will not look very good if she goes to reapply for a 10 year greencard in a couple of years. You may want to contact infopass as well or an immigration attorney about this issue. So sorry for what you are going through.

yes the greencard is only good for 2 years. I just don't want this person lingering around for 2 years I've been looking into it and it seems that it varies upon state law on what moral turptitude is and whether the person had willingly committed the crime. Also, I see the chance of imprisonment which I do not want. The whole thing is just so messed up and I feel horrible for filing a police report now. But on the other hand, my conscience is telling me that if I hadn't, my spouse will come back to try and hurt me in another way and I will end up regretting not filing.

[Please_Help 3]

If anyone else reads this and is in my situation, or just experiencing abuse from their spouse... Check out this link. I think it really just opened my eyes...

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Hopefully it will help someone else as well.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Out of interest, the sex of the "offender" has not been revealed. PLEASE do not confuse matters by continually referring to the offender as one sex or another. It doesn't matter whether it's a she or a he. There has been nothing to suggest it does matter at this stage, I just want to make sure it stays this way.

OP, yes I have heard of the "moral turpitude" rule before. Whether it works or not.. I don't know. The best you can do at this stage is call. If you have any proof you were used for a GC call ICE and let them know.

[Please_Help 3]

Out of interest, the sex of the "offender" has not been revealed. PLEASE do not confuse matters by continually referring to the offender as one sex or another. It doesn't matter whether it's a she or a he. There has been nothing to suggest it does matter at this stage, I just want to make sure it stays this way.

OP, yes I have heard of the "moral turpitude" rule before. Whether it works or not.. I don't know. The best you can do at this stage is call. If you have any proof you were used for a GC call ICE and let them know.

Thank you for noticing my vagueness on the gender. I just want to keep this as vague as possible so hopefully it will not be traced back to me.

I think I was speaking out of frustration, anger or just incorrectly when I mentioned that I feel used. I honestly do not think that I was used (even though the idea was mentioned before we got married)... So I'm not sure if I want to contact ICE and suggest something like that. We actually have quite a bit of information to prove just the opposite.

So I guess I'm left with moral turptitude, domestic violence and what the legislation is in my state regarding this matter. I also spoke with my spouse tonight and rather than hearing an apology (as I did for lying about smoking), I heard pretty much that the punching, kicking, shoving and biting were justified since i lied.

I just wish I had actually paid attention to the signs of what was headed my way when this happened the first few times.

Also, after hearing their voice on the phone tonight, I began to feel remorseful for filing a report last night. I don't want to get the person imprisoned and I truly wish that things could be worked out and this person could be normal and work as hard to make the necessary changes in their personality to make this marriage work. In my heart, I know that they only see that I am the cause for their violence and actions and not themself.

Although, my head is so clouded right now with everything that is going on, I just don't know what's right anymore... Wheterh I should have actually spoken to the police and filed a report, whether I should attempt to fix this marriage once again, whether I should pursue getting them arrested/deported.... I just don't know :-/

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thank you for noticing my vagueness on the gender. I just want to keep this as vague as possible so hopefully it will not be traced back to me.

I think I was speaking out of frustration, anger or just incorrectly when I mentioned that I feel used. I honestly do not think that I was used (even though the idea was mentioned before we got married)... So I'm not sure if I want to contact ICE and suggest something like that. We actually have quite a bit of information to prove just the opposite.

So I guess I'm left with moral turptitude, domestic violence and what the legislation is in my state regarding this matter. I also spoke with my spouse tonight and rather than hearing an apology (as I did for lying about smoking), I heard pretty much that the punching, kicking, shoving and biting were justified since i lied.

I just wish I had actually paid attention to the signs of what was headed my way when this happened the first few times.

Also, after hearing their voice on the phone tonight, I began to feel remorseful for filing a report last night. I don't want to get the person imprisoned and I truly wish that things could be worked out and this person could be normal and work as hard to make the necessary changes in their personality to make this marriage work. In my heart, I know that they only see that I am the cause for their violence and actions and not themself.

Although, my head is so clouded right now with everything that is going on, I just don't know what's right anymore... Wheterh I should have actually spoken to the police and filed a report, whether I should attempt to fix this marriage once again, whether I should pursue getting them arrested/deported.... I just don't know :-/

My ex was abusive. I later learned that he was bipolar. NOTHING you can do can change a person like your spouse or my spouse.

I'm sorry to say it but they hit you. They didn't care about your safety or happiness as a loved one should, they cared only about what YOU did to THEM. It's telling in your phone conversation, blaming the victim for the beating, for LYING! It wasn't self-defence it was ASSAULT and you did COMPLETELY the right thing by reporting it.

This is what it was like for me. I still missed his company. Being with him felt familiar but he didn't make me happy. Sit down and think about your life and your relationship. Do you feel as though you are an equal member in the relationship? Are you constantly walking on eggshells to make sure you don't say something to upset your spouse? Do you find yourself changing your behaviour against what you want to make sure they are happy because fighting isn't worth it? Do you find yourself feeling defeated a lot?

Do not allow yourself to continue to be a victim. If you don't think the relationship was fraud then they won't be deported, but you should report them to ICE for the assault. As your spouse now has a record for abuse, you need to make sure the USCIS knows this when your spouse applies for ROC. It will hinder his chances of removing conditions on his own.

Really though you just need to focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Divorce will help that. You didn't mention if you have a child together but if you don't that will help you move on too. It's awful when people are like this. just ignore the immigration aspect and just treat your partner like the regular dirtbag they are. They are a spouse abuser, and whether male or female it is NOT acceptable and you should not give them the privilege of being with you.

Edited June 16, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[Please_Help 3]

My ex was abusive. I later learned that he was bipolar. NOTHING you can do can change a person like your spouse or my spouse.

I'm sorry to say it but they hit you. They didn't care about your safety or happiness as a loved one should, they cared only about what YOU did to THEM. It's telling in your phone conversation, blaming the victim for the beating, for LYING! It wasn't self-defence it was ASSAULT and you did COMPLETELY the right thing by reporting it.

This is what it was like for me. I still missed his company. Being with him felt familiar but he didn't make me happy. Sit down and think about your life and your relationship. Do you feel as though you are an equal member in the relationship? Are you constantly walking on eggshells to make sure you don't say something to upset your spouse? Do you find yourself changing your behaviour against what you want to make sure they are happy because fighting isn't worth it? Do you find yourself feeling defeated a lot?

Do not allow yourself to continue to be a victim. If you don't think the relationship was fraud then they won't be deported, but you should report them to ICE for the assault. As your spouse now has a record for abuse, you need to make sure the USCIS knows this when your spouse applies for ROC. It will hinder his chances of removing conditions on his own.

Really though you just need to focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Divorce will help that. You didn't mention if you have a child together but if you don't that will help you move on too. It's awful when people are like this. just ignore the immigration aspect and just treat your partner like the regular dirtbag they are. They are a spouse abuser, and whether male or female it is NOT acceptable and you should not give them the privilege of being with you.

Thank you SO much for that post. That really made me feel better. I can't thank you enough. I've been on the phone with what few friends I have left for the past two days and I've been almost in a way blowing them off, but for some reason (I don't mean this negatively) a stranger said exactly what i needed to hear.

Everything you said about walking on eggshells... Changing my behavior whether it makes me happy or not, just to keep them happy... feeling defeated constantly... I am DEFINITELY not an equal in this marriage... One of my friends said that I am not the same person and sound so defeated not more than an hour ago! And all of what you said is true! I get yelled at and degraded for the smallest things such as interrupting when they are talking... I was called a retard for lying about smoking... I could go on and on about how many negative and truly horrible things have been said and done to me in the past (and recently)...

Yes, they are a spouse abuser and it's SO hard to keep my conposure and remain calm sometimes. In the beginning I just walked out and came back after awhile but that only made it worse. i was told that leaving was the wrong thing to do and it would only make things worse. How could it get worse than your spouse belittling, degrading and physically abusing you???

I am even at the point that I am in therapy because I have been made to feel that I have an anger management issue and told by my spouse that I needed to go. So I have been going in hopes of saving my marriage and maybe finding out that it really is me that is the problem and I can fix this.

I swear, bipolar definitely sounds like the case, but I'm not an expert. I just know I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster with this person and I just want things normal. And you are right, I do miss their company... But only when it's normal. When it's good, it's REALLY good, but when it is bad... It's like hell has opened up in my home and there's nowhere for me to run. I know that sounds like I am putting it harshly, but that's really how it feels.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thank you SO much for that post. That really made me feel better. I can't thank you enough. I've been on the phone with what few friends I have left for the past two days and I've been almost in a way blowing them off, but for some reason (I don't mean this negatively) a stranger said exactly what i needed to hear.

Everything you said about walking on eggshells... Changing my behavior whether it makes me happy or not, just to keep them happy... feeling defeated constantly... I am DEFINITELY not an equal in this marriage... One of my friends said that I am not the same person and sound so defeated not more than an hour ago! And all of what you said is true! I get yelled at and degraded for the smallest things such as interrupting when they are talking... I was called a retard for lying about smoking... I could go on and on about how many negative and truly horrible things have been said and done to me in the past (and recently)...

Yes, they are a spouse abuser and it's SO hard to keep my conposure and remain calm sometimes. In the beginning I just walked out and came back after awhile but that only made it worse. i was told that leaving was the wrong thing to do and it would only make things worse. How could it get worse than your spouse belittling, degrading and physically abusing you???

I am even at the point that I am in therapy because I have been made to feel that I have an anger management issue and told by my spouse that I needed to go. So I have been going in hopes of saving my marriage and maybe finding out that it really is me that is the problem and I can fix this.

I swear, bipolar definitely sounds like the case, but I'm not an expert. I just know I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster with this person and I just want things normal. And you are right, I do miss their company... But only when it's normal. When it's good, it's REALLY good, but when it is bad... It's like hell has opened up in my home and there's nowhere for me to run. I know that sounds like I am putting it harshly, but that's really how it feels.

I do completely understand it.. the missing the good times, the "normal" times, but you need to ask yourself whether what you go through for it to BE normal is worth it. If I lie to my husband, yeah he wouldn't be happy but he wouldn't beat me.

The "normal" times are a lie. It's important to remember that. The normal times in your relationship come from YOU doing whatever you can to make him happy. To make sure he stays happy. There is no happy banter, no silly arguments fixed with a kiss. You do everything you can to try and keep that normal.. it's a form of control. When he's happy things are normal, so keep him happy right? When you're yourself it's not good enough and you're scared to be normal in case something you do without thinking upsets him.

Therapy is good. Therapy is a good thing when you're honest and open about everything. I went to a counsellor a few years back as well. I have to admit before I went I doubted how good it would make me feel but to be COMPLETELY honest with someone without fear of it impacting my relationships (friends, family, work or whatever) really truly helped. It helped to hear someone ask me the questions i had been avoiding asking myself... or thinking about things in a different way to me.

My ex wouldn't let me go to bed after him because I would wake him getting into bed (we lived together). I had to wake up when he did or he wouldn't wake up and it was MY fault he was late for things. I wasn't allowed to spend the money I had to buy a new laptop (mine was dying) because he didn't want me to spend so much and although we weren't engaged or married it showed how I would spend money once we WERE married. I wasn't allowed to play a particular computer game because it was reported to be highly addictive and it wasn't fair to HIM to have that in the house... and that's all just the beginning.

When you start to write down the things you had to do, or the things you said in order to keep things "normal" you start to see how stupid they really were and how unfair to YOU they were. Yeah sure I feel a little foolish doing those things to keep the peace (in hindsight), but having him sound off didn't end! he'd go on for HOURS and hours. Just when I thought things were okay again he'd bring it up again later that day.

It just isn't worth it and once you're really truly out. And once you allow yourself time to heal you'll start to realise how lucky you were you got out before it got worse. My bf never hit me.. well he flicked me in the face once and WASN'T apologetic about it.. I was really upset and it hurt a lot and he said I deserved it. I can only imagine how it could have ended up. You need to ask yourself how much you're willing to put up with. Is there honestly truly any REAL love left for someone who doesn't appear to give a ####### about you?

[rochelle 0]

ahh you can complain it in your government, because it happens to the person i have heard.. So the wife gets back here and depart immediately from USA and she can't apply again any visa from USA...she is BANNED!

[daboyz 36]

ahh you can complain it in your government, because it happens to the person i have heard.. So the wife gets back here and depart immediately from USA and she can't apply again any visa from USA...she is BANNED!

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