Divorcing during AOS: What can I do?

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thanks for the advice. Another question: Could his sister be his sponsor? I am not interested at all in being responsible for this man; at the same time, I don't want to be looked at as the evil witch that took away his GC. The fact still remains that he deceived and cheated on me and I can't seem to get over that. So, I'm prepared to walk out of this marriage and do what is best for me without hurting myself financially.

First, when people say 10 years what they really mean is 40 quarters of work. He might not be able to get a job, or lose his job here and there, turning the 10 years into much longer.

Also re the sister, there is a thing called a joint-sponsor but this is NOT something you want to do. I only mention it so they don't try and tell you its an option. Whether he gets someone to sign on "as well" YOU are still the primary sponsor and YOU are still on the hook.

I understand that you don't want people to hate you or dislike you for "taking his greencard" but you need to look at this the proper way. HE was the one in a relationship with someone else in the US using YOU to get here so that he could get his greencard and leave you. I don't think there is any possible way that a rational and reasonable person would ever blame YOU for his not being there. He took advantage of you. He lied to you. You need to make sure you are not living with him. Don't see him. He's on his own. I would withdraw the I-864 and once the divorce is final (because I don't know if he needs to be there for it) I would call ICE to let them know that you are no longer responsible for this person. It is not YOUR problem that his goal in life is to get a greencard via whatever means. HE used you and HE needs to face the consequences of his actions.

Best of luck to you. I know it's not easy but it will get better. Make sure you withdraw the I-864 ASAP.

[sonobi 3]

Although, I'm quite adamant about our divorce; I'm still trying to hope that somehow some way, I could get over his deceit and cheating by the time of our divorce is final in May. So, should he still attend his biometric appointment?

...

I'm really trying to stay out of denial....the fact remains that I was deceived and he seems to think that I should be over it by now....he is too secretive and keeps information from me.

[coraliesolms 47]

Although, I'm quite adamant about our divorce; I'm still trying to hope that somehow some way, I could get over his deceit and cheating by the time of our divorce is final in May. So, should he still attend his biometric appointment?

...

I'm really trying to stay out of denial....the fact remains that I was deceived and he seems to think that I should be over it by now....he is too secretive and keeps information from me.

I know your heart is aching right now. But look at this as a blessing in disguise. You found all this out now, in the beginning, instead of after he had got his greencard. This man should get what he deserves, and thats the next flight out of the US, and out of your life. At this point "hanging in there" just incase he changes his ways is not going to do anything but cause you more heartache. I would yank the affidavit of support as soon as possible, before you find yourself responsible for this heartless man.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Men that cheat and lie don't magically get better, their makeup is flawed and they put themselves ahead of everything and everyone. They will claim to "be different" when it helps them get what they want. It is just a lie to further their goals. You deserve better and you should never let yourself get guilted into doing just one more thing before walking away. If you sign the support document you are on the hook for 40 quarters of him working which actually could be more than 10 years if he doesn't work. What if in the future you find Mr perfect and can't afford to bring him here because you are still on the hook for Mr pathetic. The man used you and you should take your dignity and tell him that you are done. Are you willing to to into an interview with him and say you have a bonefide relationship , if they find out later you could be on the hook for immigration fraud and making false statements. He could be banned for life ( as he should be ) and you can be fined heavily and jailed. Pull the affidavit and move on.

[Old Dominion 26]

Since the marriage is about to end, you should not feel guilty by withdrawing the support agreement at all. You are not responsible for his future and can't be worrying about it beyond the divorce. Let him find his own way to stay in the U.S. The Nigerian scammers seem to have that figured out, based on personal experience with a friend; ICE won't act so don't hope it will.

[sonobi 3]

Men that cheat and lie don't magically get better, their makeup is flawed and they put themselves ahead of everything and everyone. They will claim to "be different" when it helps them get what they want. It is just a lie to further their goals. You deserve better and you should never let yourself get guilted into doing just one more thing before walking away. If you sign the support document you are on the hook for 40 quarters of him working which actually could be more than 10 years if he doesn't work. What if in the future you find Mr perfect and can't afford to bring him here because you are still on the hook for Mr pathetic. The man used you and you should take your dignity and tell him that you are done. Are you willing to to into an interview with him and say you have a bonefide relationship , if they find out later you could be on the hook for immigration fraud and making false statements. He could be banned for life ( as he should be ) and you can be fined heavily and jailed. Pull the affidavit and move on.

Thank you so much for your response and encouragemnet. I'm very happy to hear a voice from Nigeria. I was starting to think that this type of behavior is normal and accpeted in Nigeria. By what you are telling me, I can see that Nigerians do not tolerate this type of behavior either. Many thanks for that.....I'm still in shock and much pain...what makes it worst for me is that I'm in the military and this man has caused me so much disruption with all this mess. Thanks for your voice.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Thank you so much for your response and encouragemnet. I'm very happy to hear a voice from Nigeria. I was starting to think that this type of behavior is normal and accpeted in Nigeria. By what you are telling me, I can see that Nigerians do not tolerate this type of behavior either. Many thanks for that.....I'm still in shock and much pain...what makes it worst for me is that I'm in the military and this man has caused me so much disruption with all this mess. Thanks for your voice.

Even more reason to dump the fool. Playing nice with him may causes issues with clearances and you don't want that. Nigerian men can be strong family oriented men or they can be evil creeps that will use anyone from their own person gain. You have the second type of man. I have seen his type plot with the family to get him here and then get money back to Nigeria. You are best rid of him before he can lay claim to your bank account or any other items of value you have. You are way too good for this man. The only thing that happens when you try to be nice to a rat is you get bitten or sick.

[besaangel 17]

Even more reason to dump the fool. Playing nice with him may causes issues with clearances and you don't want that. Nigerian men can be strong family oriented men or they can be evil creeps that will use anyone from their own person gain. You have the second type of man. I have seen his type plot with the family to get him here and then get money back to Nigeria. You are best rid of him before he can lay claim to your bank account or any other items of value you have. You are way too good for this man. The only thing that happens when you try to be nice to a rat is you get bitten or sick.

Please take great care when dealing with this gentleman. Try not to let him know what you intend on doing as he may attempt to manipulate you even more. I'd say you try to be civilized but not NICE. You dont deserve this kind of treatment especially given the steps you have taken to be with him. If he cannot respect you for this, then there isnt much more he'll respect you for... Please do take care

[coraliesolms 47]

The only thing that happens when you try to be nice to a rat is you get bitten or sick.

I have a pet rat.. you hurt its feelings

But joking aside.. you need to pull your socks up, and find your dignity again. You are a military woman, that makes you STRONG!! Find that inner strength again, and do what needs to be done!

[Justine+David 218]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have been given some good advice on this subject and I hope you'll take some of it to protect yourself. You are most definitely not an "evil witch"--I hope you understand that. It is you who was cheated on, not the other way around. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about doing the right thing and protecting yourself

[sonobi 3]

Thank you all!!! You are all so right! I've already taken the precautions of protecting myself from my husband financially. We tried to get marriage counseling but he just ended up lying to my chaplain as well; so there really is no point in us getting help or even us trying to move forward with our relationship.

I don't believe in hiding anything from my husband; and he is very much aware of my intentions. It just amazes me at the thanks and gratitude this man has for all that I've done for him. He becomes very offended when I tell him that he is selfish. Now, I know why. He could have money in his wallet and he still allows me to pay for our outings making me think that he either has no money or very little money. For my birthday, he brought me an ice-cream. Who does that????

I'm sure that I'll get over him once he is out of my life. It's hard to start getting over him when he is still under my roof. Amazing how people still use others for personal gain--even after everything this world is going through.

Again, thank you all for your continued support. Please keep me and him in your prayers. I do hope that soon we could start our own separate lives. I'm glad I have my extended VJ family.

Broken hearted.

[leahandlucas 15]

If you think he is bad now....wait until he receives his "benefit" of the greencard...he will unfortunately be 1000x worse.....and more than likely...yeah...he'll be out of your life...you won't have to say/do a thing...he'll go on his own accord...

Which is why i second,third EVERYONE ELSE'S opinion...pull the I-864..

He CAN NOT adjust his status on the basis of his sister...his status is based on his marriage to YOU...

but your a smart woman...thank God....thank God your going to not go through any more of the process...you'll save yourself alot of time, effort and money and alot more heartache

Have him OUT OF THE HOUSE...because he might try to say you "abused him" and go the VAWA route...so protect yourself...change the locks...he'll survive...

[coraliesolms 47]

(((( )))) <--- hugs!

You are doing the right thing. And this will make you stronger. I pray that this mess is over for you soon, and that you find Fabulous Mr. Right!!!

Get a good nights sleep girl, you need it. Tomorrow, call the USCIS and revoke the AOS.

[Created 6]

Thank you so much for your response and encouragemnet. I'm very happy to hear a voice from Nigeria. I was starting to think that this type of behavior is normal and accpeted in Nigeria. By what you are telling me, I can see that Nigerians do not tolerate this type of behavior either. Many thanks for that.....I'm still in shock and much pain...what makes it worst for me is that I'm in the military and this man has caused me so much disruption with all this mess. Thanks for your voice.

I am sorry for your pain, but you must realise that you have to think with your head, not your heart. Surely one of the women that he thinks so highly of will pick up the slack. From your posts, it seems that you are always making sacrifices for him (purchasing his ticket....) It is absurd that you would divorce him, but willingly be responsible for his welfare by not pulling the Affadavit of Support...........Come on, you've got to have more respect for yourself than that, you deserve better. You are guaranteed that he will call you on it, he's accustomed to being supported. Please protect yourself, and your future. You will get over him. You will come through this.

Edited April 19, 2010 by RMHurd

[hopps 0]

Hi Everyone,

I happily married my husband from Nigeria. We met in Belgium; and he was absolutely fabulous. I saw no indications of a cheater or lier in him at all what so ever while I was in Belgium with him. I moved back to the US and he stayed in Belgium for about 5 months. At some point, i started to question hi loyaty and fidelty to me during our abscences from each other. He ensured me each time we spoke on the phone. So, of course I felt guilty for the accusations I've implied towards him. Long story short: He arrived to the US, and we got married right away and applied for the AOS immediately. At the same time, my husband was behaving bizzar totally unlike him in Belgium. I kept feeling as if he was in love with another woman somewhere else. We argued a lot and couldn't be in the same rooom for more than five minutes. He decided to take a trip to WA to visit one of his friends....and the same night, I went into his emails and found a lot of pictures of him and so many different women from Begluim to Nigeria.

It was quite obvious that he fell in love with a woman from Belgium. He was also emailing his first love that happens to live in the US; telling her that he couldn't wait to get to the US so that he can be with her. Anyway all blew up and he still wants to deny most of the relationships with these women having explanations for each including blaming me for his turning to another woman.

Now, I'm starting to feel as if I'm his free ticket to the US. When he thought that I sent a letter to USCIS requesting a cancelation (yes, I told him that lie), he was telling all of his friends that I was the most evil woman alive. Then he found out that I never sent the letter of cancelation; and all of a sudden, I'm the nicest person to exists. He now changed his tone with me and avoids any conversations about these women that he lied to me about. Now, I find out that he has more money on his person that he actually disclosed to me.

He's been taking advise from his friends that have been telling him to leave me. So when I purchased his ticket to fly to Atlanta to be with his sister, he completely changed his mind about the whole travel. we will be divorced on 14 May 10.

My question: What can he do to stay in the US? Thanks.

Broken hearted.

Why would you want to help him stay in the country? From what your saying it sounds like he used you and for sure destroyed your relationship and trust...there isn't a friendship or marriage when there isn't trust... I say divorce cancel/decline all paper work....then let him fend for himself. I might be cruel but I personally think that's justice.