Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  

What Kind of Adulterer Are You?

46 posts in this topic

Recommended Posts

Filed: Country: Philippines

By Andy McSmith, Independent UK

There are 17 basic reasons why someone who is not entirely selfish or immoral might have cheat on their spouse, says a new book by an eminent American therapist. Mira Kirshenbaum, clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, in Boston, Massachusetts, has drawn some flak for suggesting in her new book that many adulterers are good, kind people, and that affairs can help a marriage.

She also advises husbands or wives who have affairs not to go home and own up, because discovery of the truth can cause more damage than concealment. She maintains that divorce may not be such a bad thing in some circumstances.

Having worked in psychotherapy for 30 years, Kirshenbaum is well known in the USA as an author and broadcaster. The child of holocaust survivors, she was born in Uzbekistan, and arrived in the USA at the age of four. She is now a grandmother.

So, what are those 17 reasons for two-timing your spouse? The list here is taken from Kirshenbaum's new book, When Good People Have Affairs, with her own brief explanations of what they mean. Meanwhile, the Independent has trawled world history to search for appropriate case histories.

Break out into selfhood

Kirshenbaum writes: "For a long time there are forces in your life that have opposed your being yourself, expressing yourself.

The affair is the best way you knew how to stand up for who you are." Virginia Woolf's husband, Leonard Woolf, is reckoned to have been more of a guardian than a lover. She broke out into a torrid affair with Vita Sackville-West, on whom she based the novel Orlando.


Kirshenbaum writes: "You weren't looking for it ... but you were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Vivienne Haigh-Wood married the poet T S Eliot weeks after they met. He later confessed: "To her, the marriage brought no happiness. To me, it brought the state of mind out of which came The Waste Land." But she does not seem to have intended to betray him quite so soon. It was just that Bertrand Russell happened to drop by.

Sexual panic

Kirshenbaum writes: "You feel your sexual powers are waning and in a kind of panic, you have an affair to prove you're still as sexually able as you were." The career of John Prescott was, outwardly, a story of success, the former ship's waiter who rose to be Deputy Prime Minister, but he never got over his sense of inferiority. In his sixties, he seduced Tracey Temple, a civil servant 26 years his junior.

Let's kill this relationship (and see if it comes back to life)

Kirshenbaum writes: "The idea is that once an affair is discovered it will deliver a blow that will either kill your relationship or make it stronger."

No sooner had Napoleon Bonaparte married Josephine than he was off to war, when rumours surfaced that she was having an affair. When he returned to France, she never cheated on him again.

Mid-marriage crisis

Kirshenbaum writes: "Without time and attention marriages get stale or feel full of problems, so ... you have an affair."

David and Victoria Beckham have done well to stay together. Plenty of women would not mind a turn with the footballer, and one or two claim to have had that experience. "No one said marriage was going to be easy," Victoria admitted.

Trading up

Kirshenbaum writes: "You've moved ahead in life but your spouse has stayed behind. Having an affair is your way of being with someone you think better matches your circumstances."

Horatio Nelson was an unknown young seaman when he met and married the widow, Frances Nisbet, who already had a son. Eleven years later, in 1798, he was a national hero, after winning the Battle of the Nile, and took up with Lady Emma Hamilton. Their affair was a national scandal, and the birth of their child had to be kept secret.

Heating up your marriage

Kirshenbaum writes: "Unconsciously, you're hoping that the affair itself or your spouse finding out about it will make things more passionate..." In 1907, President Woodrow Wilson's wife, Ellen, was suffering depression when Wilson met Mary Hulbert. Whether they had an affair is disputed, but the friendship caused Ellen pain. He introduced her to Ellen; the women shopped together, and the marriage revived.

I just needed to indulge myself

Kirshenbaum writes: "It may not be noble, but the fact is that you've been working so hard that an affair is the best way you know how to give yourself some pleasure."

Poor Monica Lewinsky is fated to be remembered for the rest of her life for the misjudgement she made at 21, as an intern in the White House, by allowing herself to be the latest in the line of women to reward Bill Clinton for all his hard work. "He talked about it as though I had laid it all out there for the taking. I was the buffet and he just couldn't resist the dessert," she said in her book on the affair, ghosted by Andrew Morton.

Ejector seat

Kirshenbaum writes: "You want out of your marriage but you're afraid to just quit, so you're hoping that an affair will end things for you - either your spouse will kick you out or your lover will give you the courage to quit."

"There were three of us in this marriage," Diana , Princess of Wales, complained. Indeed there were. Prince Charles seems to have her married out of a sense of duty rather than love. A telephone conversation with Camilla Parker Bowles, as she then was, was taped and broadcast, no one knows who by. "The trouble is I need you several times a week ... Oh. God, I'll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!" he proclaimed.

See if

Kirshenbaum writes: "You're in a see-if affair if your motive is to see if what you've been missing in your marriage can be gotten with someone else and, if so, does it make as much of a difference as you'd thought."

When Ryan Phillippe appeared opposite Abbie Cornish in Stop-Loss, this year's blockbuster about the Iraq war, their professional association blossomed into romance, causing the gossip writers to observe that she looked exactly like a younger version of Reese Witherspoon, Phillippe's estranged wife. Their marriage has ended. He is certainly not the only man to find solace in a woman who looks like his first love.


Kirshenbaum writes: "Things are hard, frustrating, confusing in your life, and an affair is a way to distract yourself from all these difficulties by creating a kind of oasis of romance."

David Lloyd George was a great one for creating oases of romance after he left his simpler life behind in Walesto enter the world of high politics. His greatest love was Frances Stevenson, "my darling #####", who became his second wife.

Surrogate therapy

Kirshenbaum writes: "You need help of some sort - maybe boosting your self-esteem - and an affair is your way of getting it."

The Austrian writer Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch had an unexciting marriage which did not suit his unusual emotional needs, so he signed a contract with his mistress Fanny Pistor Bogdanoff, making him her slave for six months, on conditions that she wore fur as often as possible particularly when she was of a mind to wield the whip. Hence the term "masochist".

Do I still have it?

Kirshenbaum writes: "You are getting older, your marriage is stale, and you wonder if you still can attract someone, get them to fall in love with you, and carry on a passionate affair."

Pablo Picasso married Olga Khokhlova in 1918, and was legally still married to her when she died in 1955, but did not let that cramp his style. He also had two children by Françoise Gilot, who left him in 1953, when he was 71. His drawings show that he now feared he had become a hideous old man, yet he managed an affair with 24-year-old Geneviève Laporte, who, in old age, made a fortune from the pictures he drew of her.

Having experiences I missed out on

Kirshenbaum writes: "You weren't in many relationships before you got married and now you feel there are experiences that are important to you that you missed out on ..."

In 1984, the newly elected Tory MP Edwina Currie, began an affair with John Major, then a party whip. It lasted for four years. They were both married. "Politicians admire the element of the devious in each other," Currie explained.


Kirshenbaum writes: "You're furious at your spouse for some way he or she hurt you, and you're having an affair as a way to get back, even if your spouse never learns about the affair."

Being abandoned by her husband, King Edward II, during a campaign against Robert the Bruce was bad enough - Queen Isabella, daughter of the King of France, narrowly missed being a prisoner of the Scots - but what she really could not stand was his homosexual lovers. So she took up with Roger Mortimer, raised an army, and overthrew the king.

Mid-life crisis

Kirshenbaum writes: "These are rare because true mid-life crises are rare. What people think of as this can be explained by one of the others, such as the surrogate therapy or the mid-marriage-crisis affair."

John Profumo was 25 when he was elected to Parliament, and was the youngest of the Conservative MPs who brought down Neville Chamberlain. But by 46, he was still only a middle ranking minister when he and his wife met Christine Keeler, then 20. After a few torrid weeks, he ended their affair. Unfortunately, for him, she could not keep a secret.

Unmet needs

Kirshenbaum writes: "Whatever it is you need, you're not getting it from your partner. An affair is your way of getting those needs met."

Catherine the Great was an innocent German princess when she was sent to Russia to marry Grand Duke Peter, heir to the throne. He was a disaster as a husband, and as a tsar. She loved sex and needed to produce an heir. Having had Peter murdered, she took uncounted lovers, the most famous of whom was Grigori Potemkin, reputedly endowed with more than just a first-class brain.


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh yeah, how about a nice adulterer thread on a primarily "marriage base" website... Kudos... :devil:

Edited by Sheriff Uling


[CLICK HERE] - VJ Acronyms and USCIS Form Definitions (A Handy Reference Tool)

Manila Embassy K1 Visa Information

4.2 National Visa Center (NVC) | (603) 334-0700 press 1, then 5....

4.3 Manila Embassy (Immigrant Visa Unit) | 011-632-301-2000 ext 5184 or dial 0

4.4 Department of State | (202) 663-1225, press 1, press 0,

4.5 Document Verification | CLICK HERE

4.6 Visa Interview Appointments website | CLICK HERE

4.7 St. Lukes | 011-63-2-521-0020

5.1 DELBROS website | CLICK HERE

6.2 CFO Guidance and Counseling Seminar | MANILA or CEBU

6.3 I-94 Arrival / Departure info | CLICK HERE

Adjustment of Status (AOS) Information

Please review the signature and story tab of my wife's profile, [Deputy Uling].

DISCLAIMER: Providing information does not constitute legal consul nor is intended as a substitute for legal representation.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Romania


"VJ Timelines are only an estimate, they are not actual approval dates! They only reflect VJ members. VJ Timelines do not include the thousands of applicants who do not use VJ"


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Colombia

Too long. Cliffs notes please. :whistle:


Edited by Mononoke28


02/05/07 - I-130 sent to NSC

05/03/07 - NOA2

05/10/07 - NVC receives petition, case # assigned

08/08/07 - Case Complete

09/27/07 - Interview, visa granted

10/02/07 - POE

11/16/07 - Received green card and Welcome to America letter in the mail

Removing Conditions

07/06/09 - I-751 sent to CSC

08/14/09 - Biometrics

09/27/09 - Approved

10/01/09 - Received 10 year green card

U.S. Citizenship

03/30/11 - N-400 sent via Priority Mail w/ delivery confirmation

05/12/11 - Biometrics

07/20/11 - Interview - passed

07/20/11 - Oath ceremony - same day as interview

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Brazil
Oh yeah, how about a nice adulterer thread on a primarily "marriage base" website... Kudos... :devil:

maybe steven is trying to tell us something. :unsure:

* ~ * Charles * ~ *

I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.



Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Surrogate therapy

knew a lady awhile back, who was a sex therapist and did surrogate therapy...

Peace to All creatures great and small............................................

But when we turn to the Hebrew literature, we do not find such jokes about the donkey. Rather the animal is known for its strength and its loyalty to its master (Genesis 49:14; Numbers 22:30).


my burro, bosco ..enjoying a beer in almaty


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Egypt

Break out into selfhood


Let's kill this relationship (and see if it comes back to life)

Trading up

Ejector seat

See if



Unmet needs

All of those I selected would be reasons I might use.

See if was a reason I cheated on a former boyfriend years ago.

Revenge was another reason I cheated on another of my cheater boyfriends years later.



Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't agree with any of it.

There is no real excuse for 'good people' to have affairs. If there is something missing in your marriage it's prudent to talk to your spouse about it and at least try to rectify the situation. If that fails end the relationship and voila, no affair ensues. If you can't talk to your spouse about it, there is something very, very wrong and a valid relationship doesn't even exist so again, step up and fix the communication or end the relationship. No affair ensues. If you don't want to talk to your spouse again ting, ting, hello, wake up you shouldn't be in that relationship, end it. No affair ensues.

Any partner deserves to know that there is something causing disatisfaction before it is acted upon otherwise they are living a fantasy relationship. Personally, I want to know the crappy stuff, I don't want to live in a fantasy relationship where my husband is on a totally different page to the one I am on and I never get to find out.

Refusing to use the spellchick!

I have put you on ignore. No really, I have, but you are still ruining my enjoyment of this site. .

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Mexico

I told my wife in a discussion about this topic a couple years ago, if she ever cheated on me "accidentally" (to use one of the terms above), I don't want to know!!!!

As long as it wasn't going to happen again, I don't want to know!!!!

If she kept "accidentally" cheating on me, then we would have to talk about it, but other than that . . . I don't want to know!!!!

I-485 (Adjustment of Status)

09-03-05: Package mailed to Chicago (I-130, I-485, I-765, and I-131)

09-05-05: (Day 000) Package received in Chicago

09-09-05: (Day 004) NOA1

10-22-05: (Day 047) AOS/EAD Biometrics Done

11-15-05: (Day 073) EAD Arrived

11-17-05: (Day 075) AP Arrived

12-07-05: (Day 094) AOS Interview Letter Arrives

01-25-06: (Day 143) AOS Approved!!!

02-02-06: (Day 151) Welcome to America Letter Arrives

02-06-06: (Day 155) Green Card Arrived!!!

I-751 (Removal of conditions)

10-29-07: Package Sent

10-31-07: (Day 000) Package Received at VSC

11-02-07: (Day 002) NOA1

12-20-07: (Day 050) Biometrics

09-03-08: (Day 308) Touched

09-09-08: (Day 314) I-751 Approved!!!

N-400 (Naturalization)

10-20-11: Package Sent

10-21-11: (Day 000) Package received in Phoenix

10-26-11: (Day 005) Check Cashed

10-28-11: (Day 007) NOA1

11-05-11: (Day 015) Biometrics Letter Arrives - Appointment on 11/15/11

11-10-11: (Day 020) Biometrics Completed

01-23-12: (Day 094) Interview Date

03-19-12: (Day 150) Oath Scheduled Notice

03-30-12: (Day 161) Oath Ceremony

3dflagsdotcom_usa_2fawm.gif - Terry 3dflagsdotcom_mexic_2fawm.gif - Blanca

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Filed: Country: Philippines
Oh yeah, how about a nice adulterer thread on a primarily "marriage base" website... Kudos... :devil:

maybe steven is trying to tell us something. :unsure:

I was hoping someone brave enough would come forward and talk about the effects of their adulterous affair, but I guess this subject isn't PC for VJ. Politically correct FTW...again.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
- Back to Top -

Important Disclaimer: Please read carefully the Visajourney.com Terms of Service. If you do not agree to the Terms of Service you should not access or view any page (including this page) on VisaJourney.com. Answers and comments provided on Visajourney.com Forums are general information, and are not intended to substitute for informed professional medical, psychiatric, psychological, tax, legal, investment, accounting, or other professional advice. Visajourney.com does not endorse, and expressly disclaims liability for any product, manufacturer, distributor, service or service provider mentioned or any opinion expressed in answers or comments. VisaJourney.com does not condone immigration fraud in any way, shape or manner. VisaJourney.com recommends that if any member or user knows directly of someone involved in fraudulent or illegal activity, that they report such activity directly to the Department of Homeland Security, Immigration and Customs Enforcement. You can contact ICE via email at Immigration.Reply@dhs.gov or you can telephone ICE at 1-866-347-2423. All reported threads/posts containing reference to immigration fraud or illegal activities will be removed from this board. If you feel that you have found inappropriate content, please let us know by contacting us here with a url link to that content. Thank you.
  • Create New...