Should I give up or fight for him?

[AngelAndJoy 22]

There is an assumption in the suggestions below: at the start of the marriage, the husband LOVED the wife and they actually had a good long term relationship that has gone sour.

In Saylin's case, the husband already told her his marriage concerns right off the bat and showed no love. If you really think about it, he is more honest expressing his true feelings than most scum bags. If he does not love you and yet you continually 'fighting' for his love, then the problem is not with him , but with you. Forget the suggestions below. Leave the bum. Both husband and wife should fight for their marriage.

hey saylin, check this out i say this on yahoo and i was thinking maybe it might help you...(i'm just assuming it will lol)

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Don't Even Think About Divorcing Until

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.By Redbook | Odyssey of Marriage – Wed, May 2, 2012 10:16 AM EDT.. .

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Email

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By Elizabeth Weil, REDBOOK

Here, tips for how to save a marriage and avoid divorce from 13 extraordinary people who believe in doing whatever it takes to sustain the biggest love of your life.

Whatever it takes

There you are, trucking along in your life, your marriage. Maybe you're six months out from the altar, or two years, or 12, or 20. Your husband is unaccountably late coming home from work again. Or he's distant or cranky again. Or, as in my case, he leaves his rancid gym clothes on the clean bedspread again. Or he butchers an entire pig in your kitchen again (yes! He's taken the whole know-where-your-meat-comes-from thing to the extreme). And you think, no matter how happy or in love you felt just yesterday, Good grief, wouldn't all this be easier without YOU? Marriage is long and hard. It's no picnic, yet at times it feels like a joke: Millions of us are trying to move - and grow, and breathe - while shackled to another person, as if in a three-legged race. Wouldn't it be easier to div____?

And yet, the D-word. It's so dire. No person stays committed forever without at least contemplating life solo, but do you really want to amputate your sometimes better half? Here, a panel of wise authors, therapists, artists, lawyers, and scientists makes the case for sticking it out. Even if your union is rosy right now, consider this required reading. Use it to appreciate, nurture, and take a mental snapshot of what you have. Some day you may find yourself (or a dear friend) on the brink, and you'll want the best tools possible to help you remember what's at stake and salvage what you've got. With that in mind, try these tips to save your marriage before you sign the divorce papers.

Related: 17 5-Minute Marriage Makeovers

Don't divorce until you...

...try writing down your thoughts and sharing them with your spouse. There are things you can't say but that you can write, if you carve out a space of solitude and give yourself time to reflect. Your spouse might be able to hear you for the first time too, because writing takes you out of the realm of combat. You can elicit what's behind the anger. Often, it's sadness. - JANE MCCAFFERTY, AUTHOR OF THE NOVEL FIRST YOU TRY EVERYTHING, ABOUT A DIVORCING COUPLE, AND RECIPIENT OF TWO PUSHCART PRIZES

Don't divorce until you...

...compare the cost of good marital therapy, and meaningful (even extravagant) investments in your marriage, to the price tag of divorce. Just one meeting with an attorney could buy you and your spouse a weekend at a nice spa. One month's legal bills could buy you a full course of couples therapy and countless date nights. If you're juggling work and parenthood, you might be able to save your marriage just by devoting the resources you'd put toward divorce toward staying together instead. - ELISABETH J. LAMOTTE, COUPLES THERAPIST IN WASHINGTON, DC

Don't divorce until you've...

...done enough honest self-examination to find out why you want to divorce in the first place. Because you would never want to take on something as monumental as a divorce unless you're going to change and grow from it. So ask yourself: "How did I get myself into this situation? Why did I pick this person to marry? What did I do to create terrible communication or anger or deadness?" Until you're willing to look at that, you'll just end one situation and pick up right where you left off in the next. Even if there is no next marriage, you'll re-create the dynamic in relationships at work, or in friendships, or with your children. Most marriages aren't black-and-white. Almost always, when things deteriorate, both people have contributed mightily to the demise. - ELIZABETH LESSER, COFOUNDER OF THE OMEGA INSTITUTE FOR HOLISTIC STUDIES IN RHINEBECK, NY, AND AUTHOR OF BROKEN OPEN: HOW DIFFICULT TIMES CAN HELP US GROW

Related: 30 Best Things You Can Do for Your Kids

Don't divorce until you...

...let go of the fantasy that you're going to find someone who's perfect in all the ways your husband is not. People think they're going to find whatever is missing in their marriage. But with divorce, you trade off one set of problems for another. Imagine seeing your ex at a soccer game flirting with another woman. Imagine how that would feel. Because if you get divorced, people are going to be setting your husband up with women - appealing women who will find him fascinating. I'm not saying you should stay with someone if there are real problems. But if you're just sort of feeling like, "Well, I don't know. He doesn't inspire me. He's not interested in my book club selection...," think again. - LORI GOTTLIEB, AUTHOR OF MARRY HIM: THE CASE FOR SETTLING FOR MR. GOOD ENOUGH

Don't divorce until you...

...try touching. I've found that a lot of couples stop touching long before they split up. When I suggest it, they go, "But I can't even talk to this person!" And I tell them there's no talking required. Just touch in silence. Be quiet. This can mean sitting next to each other so your bodies are touching while you're watching TV. The first time's going to be awkward, so give it a few tries. Then move on to hand-holding. Then a massage - just the hands or feet. Then spooning in bed. Touch increases the hormone oxytocin and makes couples feel closer. It takes away that urge to attack. It helps you remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Because you can't tell an angry or disconnected couple to go have sex. Uh-uh. But touching in silence can help you find that little flicker, and then you can try to increase that little flicker, and if you can do that, chances are you'll be able to reconnect emotionally, too. - HILDA HUTCHERSON, M.D., OB/GYN AND PROFESSOR AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY AND REDBOOK'S "INTIMATE ANSWERS" COLUMNIST

Related: 4 Foods to Eat for a Healthy Smile

Don't divorce until you've...

...considered that children often bear the scars and burdens of divorce long after parents have moved on and started over. Short-term damage to children is obvious. But it's when children become adults that you really see the cost: difficulty facing mature relationships of their own, difficulty raising children of their own. In our culture right now, pulling the trigger to divorce, sadly, can be as easy as shopping at the mall. It shouldn't be. - ANDY BACHMAN, RABBI, CONGREGATION BETH ELOHIM, BROOKLYN, NY

Don't divorce until you...

...can vividly imagine your partner kissing somebody else, and you don't care. We've evolved three distinct brain systems for mating and reproduction. One is the sex drive. The second is romantic love. The third is deep feelings of attachment. Before you divorce, you need to be at the point where you feel no sexual interest in your partner, no feelings of romantic love at any time, and no deep attachment. You really don't? Then you're free. - HELEN FISHER, PH.D., BIOLOGICAL ANTHROPOLOGIST AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY

Don't divorce until you...

...have dealt with the fact that your marriage has concealed a whole host of your personal defects from public view, and everyone prowling around the single kingdom today has X-ray glasses. - LIZ PHAIR, MUSICIAN AND WRITER OF "DIVORCE SONG"

Related: Major Room Makeovers on a Teeny, Tiny Budget

Don't divorce until you...

...spend the next year treating your spouse as curiously, respectfully, and gratefully as you would a mysterious stranger. Henry Miller once said that a man's friends were his worst enemies because they believed they knew who he was - and they limited him to it. How much truer this is for spouses! We think we know our partner's deepest identity. But if we spent half the effort courting him as we might an exotic-accented stranger, he'd likely prove twice as grateful and at least as interesting. - CRISTINA NEHRING, AUTHOR OF A VINDICATION OF LOVE: RECLAIMING ROMANCE FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

Don't divorce until you're...

...clear that you are making an examined, not rash, decision. Some people divorce in a state of intense reactivity - for example, on the heels of being betrayed, lied to, or cheated on. When you're hurt and angry and upset, and in shock, you're in your reptilian brain. You're in fight-flight mode. Better to wait until the shock has passed, until you can breathe and contemplate your life. - ESTHER PEREL, AUTHOR OF MATING IN CAPTIVITY: UNLOCKING EROTIC INTELLIGENCE

Don't divorce until you've...

...left no stone unturned. Before you end something, you need to make sure you can walk away saying, "We did everything we could do." I'm divorced, but my ex-husband and I, we're family. We're soul mates. "We're best friends. I think it takes as much work to have a happy divorce as it takes to have a happy marriage. You have to be respectful of the other person and what they're going through. You have to be insightful about your own issues, what you may be projecting onto that person. You have to stop making everything about how you feel. Before you think about getting divorced, you need to step outside yourself. Gain some distance. Establish a level of respect. Then work like hell at figuring out who you two were meant to be to each other. Maybe it's not a married couple. But obviously, your paths crossed; you developed feeling. Now find the shelf where it best fits." - FRAN DRESCHER, CO-CREATOR AND STAR OF THE TV LAND SITCOM HAPPILY DIVORCED

Related: 56 Things That Matter Most in Love

Don't divorce until you...

...consider that, with the possible exception of permanent disability and long-term imprisonment, there are few financial calamities more devastating than divorce. Both spouses will need retirement savings sufficient to cover a household. People may need therapy. And there's a good chance careers will be damaged because you'll be distracted and may decline promotions or transfers. All these things can limit your financial prospects. - RON LIEBER, "YOUR MONEY" COLUMNIST FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES

Don't divorce until you...

...stop and realize that your spouse might marry somebody you could have issues with. Are you going to be responsible and grown-up enough to embrace that person? To see them as your family? Because if you have children, you'd better be. Are you sure you're going to be tolerant of someone you've never met, or maybe don't like, being directly involved in your kids' lives? Listen, I have a wonderful second marriage and a great relationship with my ex and his wife, but it's a very serious thing to get divorced. You need to be flexible, open-minded, and full of goodwill if you're going to do things right relative to your kids. And you need to be all of those things immediately, when you're hurting. Because being angry or mad or bitchy about your ex-husband or his new wife, your kids' stepmother, is doing them no favors. Now, when my ex-husband comes to see the children, he stays in our house and my husband and I leave - because that's what's best for the kids. That's called tolerance. A lot of people say, "Oh, my God, I could never do that." But how could you be in my situation and not do that? The minute you break up your family, you need to start repairing it, and you have to bend over backward to do it. In divorce, you have to be even better at compromise and change than in marriage. And it's better for the kids if you do it with a smile - a real one. - ISABEL GILLIES, ACTRESS AND AUTHOR OF THE DIVORCE MEMOIRS A YEAR AND SIX SECONDS AND HAPPENS EVERY DAY

[MCMLXXXII 29]

I am so sorry to hear this.

Marriage is a place where both husband and wife should feel safe and comfortable and their partner should be a force to bring out the best in them. Is he deserving of you?

[Saylin 1,605]

Sorry I've been away for a bit. I needed sleep last night, obviously. For all those that have responded since last night, thank you for your kind words. And Takis, that article was very interesting to say the least!

Anyways, a few updates:

Before going to bed last night, my husband emailed me. He told me that he had found this thread that I created (he was actually the one who found VJ originally, I've just stuck around a lot longer ). He read through most of it and said he finally woke up and realised what he did. He apologized. He says he knows he doesn't deserve anything, but he's now willing to try to work things out. And that he wants to get back to where we were before all this happened. He mentions that the stuff he said to the girl was wrong, and they're now history. And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

We went back and forth in two or so more emails about me obviously not having much trust with him at the moment about what happened with the girl. He apologized and says he now realises that I'm actually worth trying to work things out. That he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Once I got to bed, after awhile of us tossing and turning, he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up. He also mentioned today he knows what he's going to get me for our anniversary (coming up on May 21). And that he's going to take me out to a nearby city to celebrate. So, possibly a good turn around, we'll see.

Guess I'll see how the next few days unfold and go from there. Do I trust him completely? No. But I'd like to think I can. And that we can try to work things out, instead of just resorting to divorce. It now seems he's willing to try, which is a good sign, compared to recently.

[CourtneyRox 25]

Maybe he should go to Canada with you so you guys can get away together and you don't have to worry about him visiting with that girl while you are away...

Sorry I've been away for a bit. I needed sleep last night, obviously. For all those that have responded since last night, thank you for your kind words. And Takis, that article was very interesting to say the least!

Anyways, a few updates:

Before going to bed last night, my husband emailed me. He told me that he had found this thread that I created (he was actually the one who found VJ originally, I've just stuck around a lot longer ). He read through most of it and said he finally woke up and realised what he did. He apologized. He says he knows he doesn't deserve anything, but he's now willing to try to work things out. And that he wants to get back to where we were before all this happened. He mentions that the stuff he said to the girl was wrong, and they're now history. And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

We went back and forth in two or so more emails about me obviously not having much trust with him at the moment about what happened with the girl. He apologized and says he now realises that I'm actually worth trying to work things out. That he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Once I got to bed, after awhile of us tossing and turning, he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up. He also mentioned today he knows what he's going to get me for our anniversary (coming up on May 21). And that he's going to take me out to a nearby city to celebrate. So, possibly a good turn around, we'll see.

Guess I'll see how the next few days unfold and go from there. Do I trust him completely? No. But I'd like to think I can. And that we can try to work things out, instead of just resorting to divorce. It now seems he's willing to try, which is a good sign, compared to recently.

[Adriene H 89]

Canadians play WoW too

[SunnySanDiego 17]

Sorry I've been away for a bit. I needed sleep last night, obviously. For all those that have responded since last night, thank you for your kind words. And Takis, that article was very interesting to say the least!

Anyways, a few updates:

Before going to bed last night, my husband emailed me. He told me that he had found this thread that I created (he was actually the one who found VJ originally, I've just stuck around a lot longer ). He read through most of it and said he finally woke up and realised what he did. He apologized. He says he knows he doesn't deserve anything, but he's now willing to try to work things out. And that he wants to get back to where we were before all this happened. He mentions that the stuff he said to the girl was wrong, and they're now history. And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

We went back and forth in two or so more emails about me obviously not having much trust with him at the moment about what happened with the girl. He apologized and says he now realises that I'm actually worth trying to work things out. That he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Once I got to bed, after awhile of us tossing and turning, he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up. He also mentioned today he knows what he's going to get me for our anniversary (coming up on May 21). And that he's going to take me out to a nearby city to celebrate. So, possibly a good turn around, we'll see.

Guess I'll see how the next few days unfold and go from there. Do I trust him completely? No. But I'd like to think I can. And that we can try to work things out, instead of just resorting to divorce. It now seems he's willing to try, which is a good sign, compared to recently.

You obviously love him and I really hope for your sake that he is genuine in his willingness to try to make things work out between the two of you and that he does still have feelings that can be sparked again. My cynical side is hoping he didn't see the alimony posts and such on here and decide that he should keep you around until you can support yourself and no longer would be eligible for alimony or support from him. Either way he doesn't seem to know what he wants and to jerk you around like this is awful, you are not a yo-yo. Please be careful and watch out for yourself. Best of luck and I do hope things work out in a way that will make you as happy as you can be, you deserve it.

[Andy and Pui 16]

Saylin, I have been reading this thread throughout the day and now just read your lastest update. It sounds like things are going better and looks like you both want to work through everything. I think that is good and it sounds like that is what you want to do. I hope everything works out for the best for you. Good luck with everything and thank you for the all advise you have given here on the website because I know you have helped a lot.

Andy

[Penny Lane 8,159]

Sorry I've been away for a bit. I needed sleep last night, obviously. For all those that have responded since last night, thank you for your kind words. And Takis, that article was very interesting to say the least!

Anyways, a few updates:

Before going to bed last night, my husband emailed me. He told me that he had found this thread that I created (he was actually the one who found VJ originally, I've just stuck around a lot longer ). He read through most of it and said he finally woke up and realised what he did. He apologized. He says he knows he doesn't deserve anything, but he's now willing to try to work things out. And that he wants to get back to where we were before all this happened. He mentions that the stuff he said to the girl was wrong, and they're now history. And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

We went back and forth in two or so more emails about me obviously not having much trust with him at the moment about what happened with the girl. He apologized and says he now realises that I'm actually worth trying to work things out. That he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Once I got to bed, after awhile of us tossing and turning, he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up. He also mentioned today he knows what he's going to get me for our anniversary (coming up on May 21). And that he's going to take me out to a nearby city to celebrate. So, possibly a good turn around, we'll see.

Guess I'll see how the next few days unfold and go from there. Do I trust him completely? No. But I'd like to think I can. And that we can try to work things out, instead of just resorting to divorce. It now seems he's willing to try, which is a good sign, compared to recently.

Hi Saylin,

I'm just seeing this thread now and I know we don't "know" each other but you're such a big, helpful part of the Canadian forum that I feel I need to comment on a few things.

First of all, you don't deserve what he's done to you and it's refreshing that you can see that. There is no part of this situation that is your fault, or yours to fix. I know you know that, but sometimes it's nice to hear that we're doing all that we can in a tough situation.

Marriage isn't easy. I'm only seven months into it myself and I'm still learning that lesson every day. It takes compromise and communication, but the foundation has to be love and respect for each other. If the foundation's gone, the rest of the structure is bound to fail.

So this apology he's given you (through email?) worries me because it sounds like 'too little, too late' ... he thought he could get away with what he was doing and now he got caught and nearly lost you, and he's in a panic because his little act failed. How did he go from NOT having feelings for you to ... wanting to work things out? If the feelings aren't there anymore - what's to work on?

My husband and I had a rough patch of our own, involving another woman (though nothing as serious what your husband has done) but never once in the situation did it become about lack of feelings or lack of respect for each other. If it had, there's no way I would have stayed. Because if the love is gone, why am I here, you know?

Anyway. I hope everything works out for you (whether you stay or whether you go) ... from one 85 priest to another If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.

[Mr. Borkström 63]

Saylin, only you can decide whether you want to give him a second chance or not. I think you have every right to be skeptical. I know I am. But like I said in my previous posts in this thread, I hope that whatever you decide to do, make sure it's right by you. If that means give him another chance, I hope it works out for you. Fingers still crossed.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Mr. Borkström

[decocker 7,198]

And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

saylin - his reaction to finding this thread is a good sign, in my book. if he had the opposite reaction and angry with you for discussing your dilema in a public forum then you could safely assume there is no hope in his commitment to working things out.

the first year of marriage (actually living together) is the most trying. when you throw immigration into the mix, tis a whole nother beast. orfee and i joke (now, last year it wasn't always so funny) about our new 'dynamic'. we had started out as friends online, emailing pages and pages everyday. as we progressed to a couple, we spoke on the phone as often (and as long) as we could. every visit was so precious. every moment we spent together always had the shadow of having to be a apart again. it seemed like there would never be anything as important to us as the struggle to be together and appreciating every second we had. once he got here and real life set in, my son (his stepson), finding a job, balancing chores and bills - EVERYTHING changed. we could go days and days without even really speaking and if we did speak it was to list off chores that needed doing or compiling grocery lists. our struggle changed from just wanting to be together to adjusting to domestic life from a romantic long distance relationship. and you know, there was a part of me that didn't want to give that up. the constant attention, via emails phone calls. the visits, the trips to fun places and experiencing life in a 'vacation' like setting.

if both of you are dedicated to making your relationship work, both of you've got a fighting chance together. take it slow and pay attention his actions - not promises or apologies. glad things are looking up

[Saylin 1,605]

You obviously love him and I really hope for your sake that he is genuine in his willingness to try to make things work out between the two of you and that he does still have feelings that can be sparked again. My cynical side is hoping he didn't see the alimony posts and such on here and decide that he should keep you around until you can support yourself and no longer would be eligible for alimony or support from him. Either way he doesn't seem to know what he wants and to jerk you around like this is awful, you are not a yo-yo. Please be careful and watch out for yourself. Best of luck and I do hope things work out in a way that will make you as happy as you can be, you deserve it.

Yeah, I definitely don't want to be a yo-yo in this situation. But if things can be worked out for the better, I'd prefer that than divorce.

Saylin, I have been reading this thread throughout the day and now just read your lastest update. It sounds like things are going better and looks like you both want to work through everything. I think that is good and it sounds like that is what you want to do. I hope everything works out for the best for you. Good luck with everything and thank you for the all advise you have given here on the website because I know you have helped a lot.

Andy

Thank you

[Saylin 1,605]

Hi Saylin,

I'm just seeing this thread now and I know we don't "know" each other but you're such a big, helpful part of the Canadian forum that I feel I need to comment on a few things.

First of all, you don't deserve what he's done to you and it's refreshing that you can see that. There is no part of this situation that is your fault, or yours to fix. I know you know that, but sometimes it's nice to hear that we're doing all that we can in a tough situation.

Marriage isn't easy. I'm only seven months into it myself and I'm still learning that lesson every day. It takes compromise and communication, but the foundation has to be love and respect for each other. If the foundation's gone, the rest of the structure is bound to fail.

So this apology he's given you (through email?) worries me because it sounds like 'too little, too late' ... he thought he could get away with what he was doing and now he got caught and nearly lost you, and he's in a panic because his little act failed. How did he go from NOT having feelings for you to ... wanting to work things out? If the feelings aren't there anymore - what's to work on?

My husband and I had a rough patch of our own, involving another woman (though nothing as serious what your husband has done) but never once in the situation did it become about lack of feelings or lack of respect for each other. If it had, there's no way I would have stayed. Because if the love is gone, why am I here, you know?

Anyway. I hope everything works out for you (whether you stay or whether you go) ... from one 85 priest to another If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.

I know it might seem weird that he told me this through email, but we are (or at least I am) more comfortable talking through emails and texts as I get my point across better (I think). Talking face to face is uncomfortable, and there's long bouts of silence. But yeah, I couldn't quite believe the big sudden change either. Obviously after everything that happened. But he seems genuine. I'm just going to be treading lightly and see how things progress.

And thanks for your words

Saylin, only you can decide whether you want to give him a second chance or not. I think you have every right to be skeptical. I know I am. But like I said in my previous posts in this thread, I hope that whatever you decide to do, make sure it's right by you. If that means give him another chance, I hope it works out for you. Fingers still crossed.

Yeah, I'm definitely skeptical and treading lightly, but I have some hope. Thanks for you well wishes

[Penny Lane 8,159]

once he got here and real life set in, my son (his stepson), finding a job, balancing chores and bills - EVERYTHING changed. we could go days and days without even really speaking and if we did speak it was to list off chores that needed doing or compiling grocery lists. our struggle changed from just wanting to be together to adjusting to domestic life from a romantic long distance relationship. and you know, there was a part of me that didn't want to give that up. the constant attention, via emails phone calls. the visits, the trips to fun places and experiencing life in a 'vacation' like setting.

I really relate to your post, valerie, especially how the dynamic changes. My husband and I were in a long distance relationship for around 6 years before we started our visa process, and we'd gotten into such a routine. Always texting, always emailing, always keeping each other in the loop with what was going on in our lives. Planning trips to see each other, long phone calls at the end of the day, etc. Then you get to the US and the relationship, while the same to an extent, totally shifts. Part of me has always felt bad that I sometimes miss the way it used to be, but I think that's absolutely normal.

You have an idea of what it's going to be like when you're finally together with no separation looming over you, no rush to do everything you want to do together, no 'let's make the most of every moment' anymore ... and I've definitely struggled but relationships overcome it.

Saylin, I wish you the best and I hope that your husband's regrets and apologies are sincere and are coming from a place that respects you, not just a place that doesn't want to lose you because you're awesome.

I know it might seem weird that he told me this through email, but we are (or at least I am) more comfortable talking through emails and texts as I get my point across better (I think). Talking face to face is uncomfortable, and there's long bouts of silence. But yeah, I couldn't quite believe the big sudden change either. Obviously after everything that happened. But he seems genuine. I'm just going to be treading lightly and see how things progress.

And thanks for your words

Nah, I wasn't trying to judge I totally get it. I am the same way - I have a very hard time expressing myself if I think it's something someone won't want to hear. I'm much more articulate in writing than in talking. In talking, I tend to cry and sniffle my way through things.

The fact that he wants to work on things is always a good sign, hopefully he is willing to do the work to repair what it is he broke.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Coconuts

[Saylin 1,605]

saylin - his reaction to finding this thread is a good sign, in my book. if he had the opposite reaction and angry with you for discussing your dilema in a public forum then you could safely assume there is no hope in his commitment to working things out.

the first year of marriage (actually living together) is the most trying. when you throw immigration into the mix, tis a whole nother beast. orfee and i joke (now, last year it wasn't always so funny) about our new 'dynamic'. we had started out as friends online, emailing pages and pages everyday. as we progressed to a couple, we spoke on the phone as often (and as long) as we could. every visit was so precious. every moment we spent together always had the shadow of having to be a apart again. it seemed like there would never be anything as important to us as the struggle to be together and appreciating every second we had. once he got here and real life set in, my son (his stepson), finding a job, balancing chores and bills - EVERYTHING changed. we could go days and days without even really speaking and if we did speak it was to list off chores that needed doing or compiling grocery lists. our struggle changed from just wanting to be together to adjusting to domestic life from a romantic long distance relationship. and you know, there was a part of me that didn't want to give that up. the constant attention, via emails phone calls. the visits, the trips to fun places and experiencing life in a 'vacation' like setting.

if both of you are dedicated to making your relationship work, both of you've got a fighting chance together. take it slow and pay attention his actions - not promises or apologies. glad things are looking up

Yeah, he definitely didn't blow up or was angry cause of this thread. It was more of a huge wake up call to him. Which is good.

Definitely taking it slow right now though. Don't want to rush into things or anything. Hopefully things turn out for the best

I really relate to your post, valerie, especially how the dynamic changes. My husband and I were in a long distance relationship for around 6 years before we started our visa process, and we'd gotten into such a routine. Always texting, always emailing, always keeping each other in the loop with what was going on in our lives. Planning trips to see each other, long phone calls at the end of the day, etc. Then you get to the US and the relationship, while the same to an extent, totally shifts. Part of me has always felt bad that I sometimes miss the way it used to be, but I think that's absolutely normal.

You have an idea of what it's going to be like when you're finally together with no separation looming over you, no rush to do everything you want to do together, no 'let's make the most of every moment' anymore ... and I've definitely struggled but relationships overcome it.

Saylin, I wish you the best and I hope that your husband's regrets and apologies are sincere and are coming from a place that respects you, not just a place that doesn't want to lose you because you're awesome.

This is what I hope!

[Rujby 23]

Yeah, he definitely didn't blow up or was angry cause of this thread. It was more of a huge wake up call to him. Which is good.

Definitely taking it slow right now though. Don't want to rush into things or anything. Hopefully things turn out for the best

This is what I hope!

That is really good, now you will have to be patient and see how are things going to be. there is a silver lining to every cloud.