Helen Louise Pile

The 'As long as you both shall live" bit.

The 'As long as you both shall live" bit.

Yes.
What's scary about it?
You are agreeing to provide for your spouse and if you're married, you've already made that vow.

Yes.
What's scary about it?
You are agreeing to provide for your spouse and if you're married, you've already made that vow.

Yes.
What's scary about it?
You are agreeing to provide for your spouse and if you're married, you've already made that vow.

HI all!
I just wanted to add my 2cents to the conversation and encourage anyone to volunteer before you can work and while you look for work. It keeps you busy and helps you get a job!
I volunteered full time when I arrived here on a K1 until I got my greencard and so when it came to job searching I had references who were in the US. That was a major factor in my getting the job because the man who interviewed me knew the person who gave me a nice letter of recommendation.
I have found it very easy to gain volunteer experience here in the States. Plus I made friends while doing it
Good luck everyone!!
Helen

I think 6 months out of the year is crazy.
But I disagree with the tone of this thread. Just because you had an agreement, doesn't mean that the final word has been spoken. I could never tolerate a relationship like that. Of course, we have agreements and we stick to them, but I am not eternally bound by them. We compromise and change with each other and as our lives change. We are flexible but we consider each other first and foremost in any decisions we make.
If you tell your husband 'No', then he may see that you are controlling the relationship.
So then there is compromise. You can remind him of your agreement and suggest that they could stay in your apartment for that length of time but that you feel really strongly that it would have a negative impact on your relationship if they were to stay of 6 months in your 1br apartment, and you could not properly accommodate your husbands family in that environment. How about they rent their own place nearby?
He may just be homesick, his parents may be making this decision for him, I don't know. They may not qualify for a visa for a 6month stay anyway. You need to find out what had made him change his mind so drastically. Talk to him about it and try to keep your mind open to all possibilities...though I know that would be hard to do if I were in your shoes.
I wish you luck!
Helen

I think using the term 'American' can lead to confusion. This country is huge and has so many people. State to state things are so different.
Having said that. When I was in Alaska people were so friendly. It was probably the friendliest place I've ever been. People in Vermont are generally open minded and easy going. The lifestyle here is good. You hear that American children are in gangs and/or illiterate but the teenagers at the public school I work with have surprised me so much as they are polite, self sufficient, confident and able to speak their mind. That is so different from my high school experience of 'sit down and do what you're told child'
The health care system really surprised me. I expected a terribly high priced and substandard system. The health care here, in my experience is terrific. But it comes at a price. I am worried about the cost of having kids here...but that's all I'm worried about in that regard. I'm not worried about being kicked out after 48 hours or being treated badly by the nurses,waiting for meds for 24 hours or never seeing a doctor. The NHS can be terrible...again, in my experience
Oh...and everything is BIG here. Definitely true!

I think this gets to the heart of what stereotypes are. Stereotyped comments are based on perspectives formed from preconceived expectation - either negative or positive, either valid or otherwise. This can also be called 'a prejudice', as the expected view point has a preconceived expectation - a prejudice towards a certain expectation - about the culture involved. I think, though, the use of the word prejudice here implies that there is an intended negativity, that the comments were meant to be insulting, rather than expressing someone's personal observations based upon their own cultural background and experiences. I do not see any intention to insult in the comments under question and suspect that this response has more to do with the reader than with the poster. Sometimes this is difficult for those on the receiving end of the stereotype to accept- that maybe the stereotype does have some truth to it.
The thing is, when one person is expressing their observations based upon their personal experiences and operating from their own different cultural background, you don't need to see it as an attack on you personally or even, in this case, on the US. I found it interesting that some felt that they needed to jump to the defense of the US against certain comments by attacking other countries rather than saying why the stereotype is or isn't true. It is somewhat ironic, actually, that in a thread exploring stereotypes we had a nice illustration of another American stereotype ' blind patriotism'. That is one of the stereotypes I had about Americans - a lot of it based upon Canadian-American relationships over the years. Americans were never able to hear anything 'wrong' about the US even if it was in their own best interests to know it. I still don't understand this type of blind patriotism. If my country is wrong on something, I want to know about it, see it, discuss it, and hopefully find a way to fix it. I don't want to be viewed as 'unpatriotic' for raising the question that this 'flaw' or problem exists. That, to me, sounds like the ultimate unpatriotic thing to do - to pretend that the problem doesn't exist and to threaten others if they suggest it does.
To explore stereotypes in the other direction, someone mentioned joining a Canada forum and insulting Canadians - that's occurred here on VJ and the interesting result was that a lot of the Canadians agreed that there was some truth in what the attacker had to say, discussed the pros and cons about whether they comments were justified or not, and finally the American involved became so disgusted he launched into a TOS violating tirade that got him suspended. In the meantime, I got apologies from some of the Canadians involved in the discussion, hoping that their comments had not been inappropriate.
Now, this is one of the stereotypes Americans have about Canadians, that we are generally overly polite, and it has a germ of truth in it. Are all Canadians polite at all times - of course not! Are most of us polite at most times? Yes. This is part of our acculturation, and when we come to the US we do find Americans rude, not because Americans are necessarily being rude, but because of the differences of our cultural backgrounds. For example, the standard American response of 'umm humm" instead of a thank you sounds rude to my ears but this is based upon my 'foreign' expectations. I realized soon enough that there was no intention of being rude and they did not see themselves as being rude, but were just responding based upon their acculturation - but this is how the stereotype of 'rude Americans' is formed.
Stereotypes are based upon 'relative comparisons' to other cultural perspectives. Instead of complaining that the other person's experiences or perspective is wrong and attacking them and their home country for their comments, this thread is a good place to explore first why the stereotype exists, and if it exists for more than one culture, and what can be done to correct the stereotypes. It might also be a useful exercise for those who find themselves reacting strongly to examine why this is a hot button for you. I have found that we tend to be most reactive when something strikes too close to home and we don't want to see or accept that there may be some truth in the observation. This often shows up as the 'best defense is a good offense' response, trying to deflect the discussion into another area. It is a tool politicians use all the time.
So, please people, lower the weaponry. We are allowed to disagree with each other but it doesn't make sense to attack someone for making comments based upon their perspective because it is not a perspective that you share. It doesn't necessarily make their comment wrong - although it may - nor does it make their comment right. It is their perspective, their experience, that is what is being discussed. While stereotypes often do have a germ of truth at their core, they are generally very inaccurate in providing any sort of realistic view of the culture involved and that is why stereotypes are often at the heart of racist, sexist or otherwise inappropriate comments. It is good to explore them and expose them to get them out into the light of day so they can be revealed for what they are - a simplistic one size fits all preconceived expectation, which will never be accurate for everyone.
btw, one way to tell if a comment has struck too close to the bone is to monitor your own response: If it provokes a strong reaction in you, you probably recognize some truth to the comment and don't want to look at it any closer for fear of what you might find; if there is no emotional reaction, or you find it amusing and can laugh at it, it isn't one of your personal emotional 'hot buttons' and your response is likely to be more objective.

I dated all of them (the distaff half), sigh man. Then, I gave up and went hunt-wifing internationally. There were a lot more height/weight-proportionate women overseas, si man.As for stereotype, I had a Magnavox turntable attached to an RCA component. What was your type of stereo, huh man?

I think using the term 'American' can lead to confusion. This country is huge and has so many people. State to state things are so different.
Having said that. When I was in Alaska people were so friendly. It was probably the friendliest place I've ever been. People in Vermont are generally open minded and easy going. The lifestyle here is good. You hear that American children are in gangs and/or illiterate but the teenagers at the public school I work with have surprised me so much as they are polite, self sufficient, confident and able to speak their mind. That is so different from my high school experience of 'sit down and do what you're told child'
The health care system really surprised me. I expected a terribly high priced and substandard system. The health care here, in my experience is terrific. But it comes at a price. I am worried about the cost of having kids here...but that's all I'm worried about in that regard. I'm not worried about being kicked out after 48 hours or being treated badly by the nurses,waiting for meds for 24 hours or never seeing a doctor. The NHS can be terrible...again, in my experience
Oh...and everything is BIG here. Definitely true!

You have no idea what this woman's relationship is, so please don't judge.
OP:
You are only 8 weeks pregnant so you have time. Have you started working yet here in the US? Coming on a K1 and waiting for AOS is tough on your relationship and your feeling of independence and self worth. Many here know that. Can you wait for AP and take a trip home to visit your family to clear your head? Can you go to counselling with your husband and try to figure something out? What does he think about the situation? Does he want to work things out?
I wish you all the best. Please ignore the nonsense some people have posted. Your baby will not hate you when it is 18 because you left the father. That is just ridiculous and rude. What ever you choose will be for the best.
Divorce and leaving the US is a big decision. Make sure it's the right one for you if that's what you choose.
Take care,
Helen

You've started quite a discussion!
I moved to Vermont. I miss walking so much in everyday life, you have to drive here. The food is better in the US in my opinion (I've traveled to 22 States so far), simply because there is more variety. But I do miss some things from home.
I am fitter and slimmer since I moved here, and I was slim before I moved here. I have adopted the lifestyle here in Vermont of eating well and exercising...which I did not do in the UK! I do yoga and exercise classes with my colleagues and my workplace offers incentives to exercise and provides good, healthy food. (I work in a public high school) When I was waiting for my AOS I found a free yoga class and went for walks.
I've noticed that it is far easier to get healthy food here. I admit that is not the case in all parts of all states. When my husband moved to Scotland he put on about 30lbs. All those chippy's and pies. We eat a lot of 'stodge' in Scotland and spend too much time in the pub
But as another poster said...it doesn't matter where you are, if you eat too much and don't exercise, you'll put on weight! It's that simple.

Just walk away. It is easy. Start your life anew...it's 2012! Also, when we chose to love something...we take risks...and there may be losses. Do not let her become your white whale and you Ahab. If it's simple to alert the proper authorities, then do so, but I would not put too much time into it....walk away.

EXACTLY! I am somewhat disturbed by this lady's answers. She wouldn't block the porn? Why not!? If they came to an understanding he wouldn't care, right? And, why have easy access to porn if children are around? The incest sex, not only is disturbing, it could also be a crime if the "actors" are minors. I can't wrap my head around being pissed at porn and ok with the incest. Furthermore, she admits her spouse is part of an interracial sex group. The fact that is interracial is beyond the point, I mean, who cares about the race of the person you're f***ng? The fact that he was a member of this group means there's a strong possibility he's active in sex circuits: swing parties, sex parties, etc. Sexuality is more complicated than a "partnership duty." Like drugs, food, alcohol and shopping, it is a dangerous addiction. Different from the other addictions mentioned, sex and smoking are viral addictions; in other words, it is contagious. Smoking can kill non-smokers. There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than to give birth to an HIV positive baby. For all these reasons, this is a serious matter. And no, is not the porn movie. I watch porn. My fiancee knows it. He laughs at it, so we're not "cyber-cheating." We'd never do anything that'd hurt the other.

My thoughts exactly. If I wanted a specific 'breed' I'd get a dog.

'This process'... as in bringing a foreign fiance(e) to America?
Well, I found the love of my life in Korea. She is American, I am Irish. Neither of us ever went there to 'find a foreigner'. So, to answer, I would do it if I happened to meet someone of a different nationality to me, yes. But, I wouldn't go out of my way to 'find' someone to love who was foreign.

Checkout your regional forum to see embassy specific questions. And service center specific time lines.
My husband and I had to make this decision also. The K1 is more expensive, but when I applied in 2010 it was much quicker, we were approved by USCIS in around 50 days. We also decided on the K1 because we didn't want to have to be apart after we were married. But there are disadvantages since you cannot work right away and it costs more.
It was easy for me to visit for 90 days on vwp while we waited. Plenty of people visit while their visa is processing. Canadians can advise you best on that.
It's stressful trying to decide but once you do you can get started with everything! Best of luck!

In Kandahar, Afghanistan. He worked with my unit as a interpreter. )

People are telling you to go to Canada because you are a Canadian citizen and you'd have better opportunities there, not because they are being rude.
I understand you want to stay here. If that is not possible, you need to figure out a new plan instead of clinging to the old one. There are good Universities in Canada.
Stop wallowing in what was supposed to have been...start planning for what will be! Your future is bright.
Good luck.

I will give you th answers but you will not like it.
Your husband needs to fix this. He needs to get you your own place even if it means working 20 hours a day at three jobs, get your AOS filed immediately even if he has to borrow money from someone other than his family, then get you a drivers permit and teach you to drive, arrange for neighbors to give you rides if necessary. HE needs to get his WIFE out of this predictament. He needs to make his WIFE a priority. I can tell you that MY UKranian wwife would never tolerate such nonsense, she would probably break my neck in my sleep and be on the next flight back to Donetsk. She doesn't NEED this kind of nonsense.
We lived in a VERY rural area when Alla arrived and I had to work all over the state. I had a network of local drivers ready for her when she arrived so she could begin her degree rogram right away (5 days after arrival and she wanted to know why she had to wait that long) She started volunteering for the local (40 miles away) hospital right away and still does once per week for 3 hours. It turned into a very lucrative PAYING job for her. I had a different driver available for each day of the week that could at least get her to town where she could catch a bus to school. I normally drove her but if I could not, then a phone call the night before was all it took. She had a masters degree in teaching ENGLISH in less than three years after arrival and could not always go full time to classes. Not bad at all.
This is a matter of not being prepared. It is your husbands job to fix this. Tell him to grab the knobs and do his job. I am guessing that throughout the process he checked every day to see if the case was "touched" and whined repeatedly that it was taking too long. Not long enough apparently.
For those members that think the VISA is the hard part....

Ok.. first off, I've been through depression. There IS an end to it. It is a chemical imbalance that makes everything seem sooo much worse. You may *want* to take your life, but the fact is your body and YOU are both crying for help. Take your meds and think of at least one positive thing each day. Gradually increase this. It really helps. Embracing your religion would help too, as I believe with GOD all things are possible. Anyways, you're crying out for help. This usually means professional counseling, but at the very least should be discussed with your husband.
The fact that you are stating it here, and not to your husband.. concerns me. Please do not get upset when I say that it sounds like you are a young adult. I do not mean that negatively, it's just that young adults generally do not yet feel comfortable confronting emotional situations head on. You need to tell your husband how you feel in a non-accusatory way. You say your husband is a gamer. I can relate to that because I'm a gamer too, but I'm 43 so I've learned to moderate my gaming time around my time with my son and fiancee. This being said, you need to turn off the game. YOU. You need to express to him how important it is you spend non-game time together. It's not that you want to take away his gaming time, it's that he should moderate himself. If playing games was the sole basis of your relationship, you may find it hard to find other things in common, and only lots of chatting about random things will fix this. My fiance and I have chatted about ghosts, Gods, religion, history, fashion, afterlife, our beliefs of death, movies we've seen, books we're reading...jeez we may cover 5 topics in an evening. You must be comfortable sharing your thoughts with each other in order to strengthen your bonds.
Also, you are having adjustment problems common to people moving to a new place. You've changed countries.. cultures. You need to get involved in something. You can get a job if you apply for your SSN. You can volunteer at the hospital and rock babies, or make quilts for newborns, or assist at a senior citizen center. Until you feel useful, you are going to continue to have a difficult time. As for his family not liking you, they may not 100% embrace you yet as they don't know you, but that doesn't mean they don't like you. Use this time to get to know them. Call them, email them.. share funny things with them. Start with one family member, and build from there.
The most important thing is, you don't want to go back. You love your husband. Marriage is work. It's work from both husband and wife. You need to work on what you can, and the rest will hopefully come for you. I will keep you in my prayers so you know at least one person cares

There is so much good food in the US that there is always something I can substitue for anything I miss. Don't waste money on imports. Just find something better.

People are telling you to go to Canada because you are a Canadian citizen and you'd have better opportunities there, not because they are being rude.
I understand you want to stay here. If that is not possible, you need to figure out a new plan instead of clinging to the old one. There are good Universities in Canada.
Stop wallowing in what was supposed to have been...start planning for what will be! Your future is bright.
Good luck.

People are telling you to go to Canada because you are a Canadian citizen and you'd have better opportunities there, not because they are being rude.
I understand you want to stay here. If that is not possible, you need to figure out a new plan instead of clinging to the old one. There are good Universities in Canada.
Stop wallowing in what was supposed to have been...start planning for what will be! Your future is bright.
Good luck.