TBoneTX

Ram Will Stop Headbutting Things When Headbutting Things Stops Working DUBOIS, WY—Saying the one-size-fits-all approach had yet to let him down, a local ram told reporters Thursday that he would stop headbutting things when headbutting things stopped working. "Say what you will about it, there's pretty much no problem in my life that can't be solved by lowering my head, charging forward, and smacking my horns into whatever's in front of me," said the male bighorn sheep, adding that [...] https://theonion.com/ram-will-stop-headbutting-things-when-headbutting-things-stops-working/

Wedding Planner Makes It Through Entire 1.5-Year Process Without Acknowledging Groom SAVANNAH, GA—Having had no direct interaction with the man at any time during the process, local event planner Anna Callaway made it through one and a half years of preparations for a couple's wedding without ever acknowledging the groom's existence, sources confirmed Saturday. According to reports, Callaway never once made reference to a second person being involved in the wedding, which she began planning in mid-2023 with weekly meetings with the bride-to-be and her mother, daily calls to vendors, and numerous fittings for the bridal party. All discussions [...] https://theonion.com/wedding-planner-makes-it-through-entire-1-5-year-process-without-acknowledging-groom/

Bird Flu: Myth Vs. Fact An outbreak of avian flu is currently affecting birds both on farms and in the wild. The Onion debunks common myths surrounding the virus. [...] https://theonion.com/bird-flu-myth-vs-fact/

Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Support Wind Turbines If They Sliced Deli Meat As Well WASHINGTON—In a major survey of public attitudes toward alternative energy as the climate crisis continues, a poll published Tuesday found that an overwhelming majority of U.S. residents would support wind turbines if they sliced deli meat as well. "Everyday Americans want to know how exactly wind power is going to serve our community, and many more of us would be on board if, in addition to converting the wind's kinetic energy into electricity, those turbines also provided thinly sliced Cajun-style turkey breast," said survey participant and Iowa resident Jeanine McFadden, who went on to explain [...] https://theonion.com/poll-finds-majority-of-americans-would-support-wind-turbines-if-they-sliced-deli-meat-as-well/

New Evidence Suggests Humans Developed Written Language To Avoid Breaking Up In Person CHICAGO—Noting that early humans' aversion to confrontation played a critical role in their evolution, a new study published Friday in the American Journal Of Archaeology concluded that written language was first developed to avoid breaking up in person. "According to our findings, early Mesopotamians created the first cuneiform tablets in 3200 BCE because they couldn't bear the idea of looking their partner in the eye and ending things face-to-face," said the study's author, Professor Jason Greene, who added that [...] https://theonion.com/new-evidence-suggests-humans-developed-written-language-to-avoid-breaking-up-in-person/

Really enlightening article about Red Flag laws. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan 'Red Flag' Law Used Hundreds of Times in First Year Almost three hundred Michiganders were stripped of their ability to lawfully purchase and possess a gun through the use of the state's Extreme Risk Protection Order law in the first year of its existence, and supporters are hailing those numbers as a sign of success. There were 391 petitions filed across the state in 2024, with 287 petitions approved and 87 denied. According to the State Court Administrative Office, another 14 petitions were either dismissed or orders rescinded after a hearing was held. Some press outlets are touting the benefits of the "red flag" law, including Hoodline's Sarah Johnson, who claims that "although determining the exact number of lives saved is difficult, there is a noted correlation with decreased criminal offenses." Correlation doesn't equal causation, of course, and [...] https://bearingarms.com/camedwards/2025/02/16/michigan-red-flag-law-used-hundreds-of-times-in-first-year-n1227689

Country-specific thread is moved to the Philippines regional forum.

Never underestimate the motherhood instinct. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Armed Mom Takes on Three Bad Guys With Gun in One Hand, Baby in the Other [...] While I know a lot of strong, capable women who can do plenty on their own, the truth is that a woman alone is always going to be at least somewhat more vulnerable than a man on his own. Add in a baby and now you've got a different sort of thing. But then again, Rudyard Kipling noted, "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." A few bad guys in Illinois found that out the hard way. [...] https://bearingarms.com/tomknighton/2025/02/17/armed-mom-takes-on-three-bad-guys-with-gun-in-one-hand-baby-in-the-other-n1227700

Here's the United Kingdom's Latest Effort to Stem Knife Crime Epidemic [...] Police have set up "knife amnesty bins" where good citizens can deposit sharp utensils so they don't fall into the wrong hands. It turns out those amnesty bins were a favorite target of criminals. Police have also been posting photos online of gardening tools that could prove dangerous. [...] https://twitchy.com/brettt/2025/02/19/british-prime-minister-promises-crackdown-on-online-knife-sales-n2408611

Life can be fair sometimes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Luke Rosiak Shares How a Bureaucrat Was Almost Fired for Working With DOGE, Now Runs His Agency [...] Leland Dudek was an obscure bureaucrat at the Social Security Administration who dedicated his career to stopping fraud. But when he worked with the Department of Government Efficiency to do just that, he came close to being fired. "At 4:30pm EST, my boss called me to tell me I had been placed on administrative leave pending an Investigation," Dudek wrote on LinkedIn. "They want to fire me for cooperating with DOGE," he wrote in a now-deleted post obtained by The Daily Wire. Then, a stunning reversal occurred. It was Acting Social Security Commissioner Michelle King who was gone from the agency. And Dudek was reinstated with a big promotion — taking her job leading the massive agency on an interim basis. [...] https://twitchy.com/aaronwalker/2025/02/19/luke-rosiak-shares-how-a-bureaucrat-was-almost-fired-for-working-with-doge-now-runs-ssa-n2408622

Thrilling Wednesday report, see man: Maid & Mama Maid actually showed up Many (2+1) minutes early, mirabile dictu man. Casa looks quite good now, needs chicas in it man. Brunch was 2 turkey-&-cheese sandwiches, ingest we man. Attempted siesta failed, still need zzz we man. Din-din was Subway*, ingest we man. *WUOC and gift card, financially savvy we man Up-stood by JC, q.v. above man. Initial caucus with TMJC Thursday, si man. Considering second siesta attempt now, consider zzz we man. And that was/is our thrilling Wednesday, report we man.

Imagine that, si mam ma'am. We hope so, si D ma'am. What if we're bored of our nightly rubias, huh man? We'll see, gracias man. --- In more typical news, we have just been stood up by a different JC, man.

You married well, si man.

Shame. I wonder how long these carriers will be relevant, given advances in warfare.

It is Wednesday -- time for our hilarious Semiofficial Semiweekly VAWA-Thread Joke: =========================================== A BLONDE CALLS 9-1-1 A blonde called 9-1-1 to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The 9-1-1 dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." However, before the police got to the crime scene, the 9-1-1 dispatcher's telephone rang a second time. It was the same blonde. "Never mind," giggled the blonde. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Scintillating Tuesday repartee, yawn man. ----- Thrilling Tuesday-on-Wednesday report, see man: Took Uncle T-B. to doctor, wait over an hour to see doc man. Lunch was Subway*, ingest we man. *bought WUOC and gift card, financially savvy we man Siesta thereafter, decent zzz we man. Maid supposed to come on Wednesday, we'll see if it's within an hour of promised time man. Spent over an hour decluttering kitchen table & counter, declutter we man. Now both can be at least partially cleaned, semisuccessful we man. Din-din was the remaining grilled-chicken strips in fridge, ingest we man. Warshered/baked/hung Mini-B.'s new clothes** from half-price sale, domestic we man. **one pants still had "real" store tag on it, steal man Spent entire later evening trying to find chicas, search we man. Connected with a Tex-Mex JC***, si from she man man. ***henceforth the TMJC, for reference man She is Many00% fluent in Spanish, Mexican parents man. She headshrinks children with autism et al., headshrink TMJC man. After brief messaging, she wanted to talk with our mouths by phone, comply we man. Talked for one hour + half an hour, nice connection man. We shall meet her on Thursday afternoon, meet we man she man man. Maybe also Friday eve, receptive we man and TMJC man. Probably Two Guys eve with Mini-B. on Wednesday, conjecture we man. Mini-B. should enjoy up-cleaned casa, assuming maid's arrival man. And that was/is our thrilling Tuesday, report we man.

The 51st! Haven't you been paying attention?

Should've been impressed. It's like a free zoo trip.

Audit Reveals All Fort Knox Gold Replaced With IOUs FORT KNOX, KY — An audit by the Department Of Government Efficiency has revealed that all the heavy gold bars that were thought to be kept in the secure vault at Fort Knox have been replaced by thousands of little paper scraps with "IOU" hastily scrawled upon them. An investigation team led by tech guru Big Balls was sent by DOGE to see whether or not the government still had in its possession the 147.3 million ounces of gold that Congress had been assured was "totally still there" and "definitely not stolen". [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/audit-reveals-all-fort-knox-gold-replaced-with-ious

Man Finally Realizes Reason People Play Hockey Is You Can Legally Punch A Canadian In The Face LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local man Dennis Walters finally realized that the reason people play hockey is because it allows them to legally punch a Canadian directly in the face. Puzzled for years as to why people would skate around in freezing temperatures with little sticks, Walters found the answer last night as he watched members of the U.S. hockey team repeatedly punch Canadians in the face. "It all makes sense now," said Walters. "I just never got the appeal before. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/man-finally-realizes-reason-to-play-hockey-is-you-can-legally-punch-a-canadian-in-the-face

Canadian Hockey Fans Boo Their Future National Anthem MONTREAL — Hockey fans of the soon-to-be 51st state of America booed when their future National Anthem was played last night. In a seemingly prophetic outcome, the loser nation currently known as "Canada" then got absolutely smoked by their imminent conquerors. "Boo! We like being euthanized and losing at hockey! Boo!" cried the Canadian fans. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/canadian-hockey-fans-boo-their-future-national-anthem

VDH tells it like it is! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is There a Democrat Blueprint to Regain Power? Democrats seem stuck in a cycle of rage and resistance, recycling failed anti-Trump tactics while losing ground with voters and donors alike. https://amgreatness.com/2025/02/17/is-there-a-democrat-blueprint-to-regain-power/

Scintillating Monday repartee, yawn man. ------- Thrilling Monday report, see man: Happy Presidents' Day, si man. Happy Columbus Day in Poland, oj tak. Finally got going after noon, slothful we man. Returned a product at Costco Business Center, $i man. Clerkette was an absolute fox and we did not flirt with her, man! Got Many (2+1) necessary items, satisfied with that aspect at least we man. Went to formerly favorite large thrift store, half-price day man. Got Many (2+1) shirts and Many (2+1) pants for Mini-B., score we man for wee man man. Found ourself a shirt, score we man for we man man. We saved $Many ($2x2x2x2 + 2x2x2 -1), financially savvy we man. Breakfast/lunch/din-din was Subway* on the way casa-ward, ingest we man. *WUOC and gift card, financially savvy we man A siesta was ultimately taken, zzz we man. No chicas to see or call or write to or nothin', no chicas man. Party with the rubias later, cavort we man. And that was/is our thrilling Monday, report we man.

Looks awful, but at least no one died.

This makes me want to hear the whole speech. Jonathan Turley raved about it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ J.D. Vance's Munich Wake-Up Call: Democracy, Censorship, and the Will of the People Vance's Munich speech slammed European elites for stifling democracy, warned of censorship and mass migration, and urged leaders to respect voters—or risk losing the very system they claim to defend. [...] https://amgreatness.com/2025/02/16/j-d-vances-munich-wake-up-call-democracy-censorship-and-the-will-of-the-people/