Thank you All for opinions, advice and encouragements. I will answer few of the questions you put forward. Before I do so, I need to tell you that I am fine and I have moved forward, already. My intention with my post was not single out any nationality, or to say that all foreign spouses are with an ' agenda '. I believe that marriage is possible between two different citizens. I just wanted to share my bad experience and to show that things can go wrong and it is a good idea to be well informed. There is too much at stake and many dreams can fly out the window.
Some of you wanted me to write in more details what really happened. I am reluctant to do so, but I do understand that it is important for other to get the real picture about my story and the lessons I have learned. So, let me try again.
I have my ex in 2010, but our relationship really started in January of 2011. After two months of internet dating, I felt encouraged enough to make a short visit to her city, to meet her in person. I have been searching for a wife for years, after my previous divorce in 2005, and I know that it is important to meet in person, before you can make a serious commitment to anyone. My trip was brief, just a weekend. But we had a wonderful time and I felt that my search was over and I have found the person I was looking for. She was attractive, she spoke very good English, she had steady income from the properties she owned, and she was a widow. A dream come through for a father like me. I need to add to this that I was a single parent with a little daughter and I had custody of her, after my divorce in 2005. My previous wife left me for another man. I cared for my daughter alone, since I do not have any living family members. I was in my fifties, so it was not easy. This was the main reason why I was desperately looking for a new family and a loving wife.
After my return from Colombia, we continued the internet relationship. This involved daily communication over phone, Skype, messenger. Soon, we decided to file for K-1 and we planned to have a vacation together with our daughters. She also had a daughter, same age as mine, and it looked like a dream come through. The vacation planning was exciting, although, it scared me a bit how much money you need to spend a week on the San Andres Island. I am not a wealthy person and I had use all my savings to make this a reality. But I felt this is a good cause to spend the money on. I was building my new family and happiness. Well, the vacation started nicely, but some issues arose. It was mainly about the money I did not have and she felt that I am cheap and I do not want to spend my money because I did not like her daughter. This was a bit strange to me, since I love children and I really wanted a sister for my daughter. Later, she was busy doing all the papers, exams, translations. But we did have some arguments. I brushed away the thought that she might not really love me. I figured this was the cultural difference, perhaps the language, or just the upcoming changes in our lives. I would never think about another man, or an ' agenda '. As the interview at the Embassy approached, (we got approved for the K-1 in two months!), she started to beg me to come again, so the interview would be more secure. She was told that she had a better chance to be approved for the visa, if the groom was there, as well. I had no desire, nor the money, to travel again, since I had to work and care for my daughter. Obviously, my daughter's mother increased her attacks against me, as soon she found out that I might have a serious relationship. So, I had to fight toward two directions, to achieve peace with everyone. The interview was successful and I bought the tickets for them. A month later they arrived to my city.
The first days were busy with shopping. They needed warm clothes and items for their new life. We had to organize our marriage and file for I-485, travel document and work auth. I paid for everything. Although, I knew she had money, (actually more than I did, at the time) but I never asked her about her financies. It was strange though that she has never offered me any help. Today, I know for a fact that she did have significant amount on her bank account, when I was struggling to pay the bills. I believed, as a man, I was suppose to provide to the family. This is all fine, when we have the means. But I did not have. Plus, where I grew up, a married couple would share everything, good or bad, including the bills. Different culture.
Soon after the filing and paying for the I-485, things started to go downhill. The arguments increased and many times I did not know what to think or feel. I just could not understand why did we argue over simple and unimportant issues? Why we would not talk all day and then suddenly she would change and allowed me to make peace with her? This was very confusing to me. I believed that a loving couple can overcome almost everything, as long they are willing to listen to each other and they are willing to deal with the issues together. But this was very one sided situation. It was always me who had to give in. I don't mind doing it, but I need to see some improvements over time. Well, I was busy working and caring for the kids. They both attended private school, so the expenses were significant. I helped my stepdaughter with English and I did the homework with mine. Those were difficult days, but I looked forward to easier times, when my wife would work and help with the finances. In February, when we found out that the work permit and the notice for the interview was mailed to us, we started working on her resume and look for jobs. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt that the lowest point of our life would be soon over.
On the last Sunday of our relationship, before separation, she started another argument over something unimportant. She went on almost all day and our day was ruined again. I came to the conclusion that something was really wrong with this marriage. I just could not understand the reason of this situation. We were suppose to be all happy and loving. Instead, we had almost daily fights. Well, when the kids went to sleep that night, we started our regular analyzing what happened and who did what and why? This was the moment to me, when I realized that I could not do this any longer. No matter how much I have invested into this marriage and no matter how much I was dreaming about this, I just could look forward for a relationship, where the arguments are day by day, where my daughter is distancing herself from me, because she felt I neglected her, where I was accused of mistreating my stepdaughter, and my wife just was not happy with me or with our situation. This was not my dream to be. I told my wife that I do not see any chance for our marriage and it would be better to divorce. She was constantly bombarding me that she would return to Colombia, where she had a happy and comfortable life. I felt that she did not really wanted to be with me, or in this country. It was better to stop the damage, before there was no return. We could cut our losses and perhaps start over somewhere else. Well, she accepted my divorce idea and to return to her country. But in a sudden turn, she asked me if I would support her green card process and she would wait with the return, until it was final? Separately, of course. The lightning just stroke me! First time in our relationship, I have realized that perhaps this was her only goal with this marriage! Of course, I refused to support her green card deal and we were separated that morning.
On Monday, after my return from work, I went on with my daughter's homework. However, my wife would not let me do it and she was saying that we must talk things over and see what we can do. At this point, I was already determined to finish this marriage, so I refused to talk about this and I offered her to revisit the subject when the children were not around. She did not care. She followed me everywhere. To cool myself down, I decided to leave the house. She did not let me. She blocked the door and was yelling into my face. I could see that she was getting really angry, so I forced the door open and left. I thought, this was the end of it. I was wrong. When I returned and started the homework again with my daughter, in few moments, my wife and her daughter ran out of the house. This was strange, so I looked out the window and I could see that the police patrol was entering. The officers came in and they interviewed us separately. I found out that my wife recorded our argument on my iPhone, which she was hiding in her pocket. She played this recording to the police, outside of the house. The police found that there was no crime, so they left us alone and told us to cool down. Normally, the husband goes to gail, when there is a domestic violence call. Obviously, I was shocked, because I have never had anything to do with police in my whole life. It was hard to believe this could happen to me. After the police left, my wife asked me for her passports and our marriage certificate. I still believed that she was going back, because she told me that she talked to her family about this, already. Well, the next day, after I arrived from work, she was gone. Her and her daughter disappeared and all her belongings. I could not really understand, but I thought she was on the plane back to her country. I purchased roundtrip tickets for them, so it was not impossible. The silence was strange, not having them there.
Two days later, when I looked at my phone records, I could see that there was a call between my daughter's mother and my wife. This was very odd, since she hated her and she was jealous of her. When I asked my previous wife about it, she told me that, yes, my wife contacted her and it would be better to talk in person immediately. At our conversation, she told me that I was in deep trouble and I could loose my daughter easily. I was shocked, but once she told me about the events of the last few days, I did understand the seriousness of my situation. So, my wife contacted her and asked her for help to get to the agencies and shelter. In return, she offered her assistance to take my daughter away from me. Well, my ex came to the rescue and helped her to the shelter and they had a long talk. Without going into details here, I had agreed to transfer the custody of my daughter. Why? I had no choice. This was my only hope to be able to see her, in the future. It was not easy.
My ex told me that my wife recorded everything and she was accusing me with terrible things. Very soon I found out about this, too.
A week later, I was served with court papers. My wife filed for OP and RO against me on the bases that I was abusing her psychologically and she suffered terribly during our marriage. As you know, an immigrant person, who was abused, automatically receives government assistance. Cash, food, shelter, health coverage, education and legal assistance. All totally free. But it is me, who has to prove that I was accused without any bases and I was innocent. She wrote horrible things into her declaration. She was also coached, what to include and how to say it. I just could not believe those terrible accusations. Either way, to avoid going to jail for abuse, I had to hire an attorney. As you know, this is not free and very pricey. What could I do? I could not risk anything to defend myself. I had a little daughter in my life. Of course, on advice, my wife played the game with the court with ' discovery ' and ' cannot read English ' game, so our hearing was postponed 3 times. Finally, the commissioner said, no more! The hearing ended up dismissing the OP, but allowed the RO for the duration of our divorce. I filed for Annulment a week after our separation. I thought that the hard part was over. I was wrong. My wife filed for divorce. In our state, both parties can file. This resulted more court appearances and more nerve tearing to me. I hired a divorce attorney, but it was a bad move. I got terrible advice and my case was going down. Meanwhile, my wife filed for spousal support. Normally, there is no spousal support after 2 months of marriage. Not even temporary. But in my case, she was awarded 5 months support, which I am still paying for her. This was the point when I realized that I do not have any chance to fight the system. The system supports the immigrant, no matter what the cost. So, I decided to offer her a settlement. I suggested that she could keep everything she took from me and I was going to cancel my filing and any investigations. She accepted it and now we are divorced.
Here I am now. My house was sold on short sale, I lost all my savings, I lost my daughter, I lost the dream to have a family. I am close to retirement, so not much time is left to recover financially. Luckily, I am a person who can live a very simple life. As of the relationships, I am not in the mood. There is no reason to get married again. I will have friends, but I don't think I can trust again. Regardless, I will recover and move on. I already did. I moved to a new location to be close to my daughter. This way I will be able to see her frequently. I found a very nice place to live and I love my work. Things will get better.
The lessons I learned:
- Don't rush, take your time.
- Travel there, or better yet, live there with her, if you can. Spend time together and with her family more.
- Make sure you both speak the language and communicate fluently.
- If money is an issue, be aware of no commitment on her side.
- If children are involved, be very careful. Set the rules and guidelines ahead. Make sure you are on agreements.
- Don't believe this statement ' age does not matter, what is in your heart important only ' It is not true.
- Use all communication platforms and show every little detail of your life, as it was suggested by someone here.
- If arguments start and increase, slow down, don't file just yet.
- Select wisely, so you match intellectually and physically.
Well, there is more, but I do not want to make this too long.
At the end, I wish to quote a friend about the signs of a person with an ' agenda ':
a. Your spouse hides his/her internet use from you, or won't use the computer with you around.
b. Your spouse is visiting dating sites.
c. Your spouse keep secrets about who phone conversations are with.
d. Your spouse avoids physical contact with you. Your spouse frequently "has a headache" when it comes to intimacy. Your spouse makes excuses for this. You feel more like roommates than you do a married couple.
e. Your spouse is trying to gain control of your finances and your assests, but surprisingly has a separate bank account. Your spouse wants access to your assests, but does not want the responsibilities for your liabilities.
f. Your spouse tries to provoke confrontations with you, over seemingly trivial things.
g. You have an unexplained feeling that your spouse wants you to become physical.
h. Your spouse calls 911 after a verbal argument, and complains of physical abuse.
i. Your spouse tells family, friends, and neighbors stories of physical abuse.
j. Your spouse begins talking to a women's shelter.
Again. I just wanted to help those, who could be in trouble. For all the other happy couples, I wish the best and I am happy that you found the right ONE. I did not and I made lot of mistakes. You should avoid them. I just wanted to help.
Laci
well.. remember you also sent in tons of evidence originally proving your relationship was valid. I wonder what your reaction would have been had USCIS said "Sorry denied - we think this will end badly".
When someone goes through the process of getting a GC it is a long, painful, and for some a humiliating experience. Once they have a GC the burden of proof goes the other way (and rightfully so) - it should take overwhelming evidence that the person intentionally committed fraud.
Also.. when someone joins you in the U.S. and then leaves you for another person they meet later on that is not fraud.. They may be a rotten person (or just a person that did something rotten or did not realize their mistake until after they arrived) but if he/she had every intention of staying with you it is not fraud no matter how it turns out in the end.
But from what you said it sounds like your marriage ended like any other marriage, your wife just happened to be an international. Your message is a good one, but its bothersome to me how when something goes wrong with a relationship with an international the USC all of a sudden starts acting almost racist( for a lack of a better word) and blaming things on the person being a foreigner out to get them for their citizenship. Hope you find peace.
my husband and I met online. We spent years writing to each other, chatting on line and also met in person. We've visited each other, met each other's family and friends, and were very much involved and in the know of what goes on in each other's life, despite living in different countries. We were together for five years before we decided to get married (getting sick of the distance, you see).
So meeting someone online doesn't mean the marriage won't work out or that person is out to scam you. Being a female, I made sure I was very sure before agreeing to marry because it would be me who'd be moving countries to be with my husband. I also made sure my family and friends were ok with my husband (then boyfriend), because if they were not (bad feelings etc), I wouldn't marry him.
Granted we just got married, but hopefully we will be together until death do us part.
I'm terribly sorry over what happened to you but in life, there is no guarantee that whatever we do will be a success. Our attempts at finding happiness might end up with us in tears, but it doesn't mean we should stop trying. Perhaps there is a better person for you and at least you have had a bad experience so you know next time, you won't want the same thing to happen. I wish you luck!
Not exactly reading stories about fraud. I think it would help more to be informed about red flags rather than being forced to read about fraudelent marriages or what've happened to some after entering the US. Some of the factors you mentioned couldn't have been seen before even moving to the US. OP, I'm sorry that you ended up in such a situation but even if you would've been warned however it'll take more than 10 wild horses to destroy what you at that point thought was mutual.
'They all'? USCIS can't see if the US citizen has an agenda by keeping a girl as a slave either when it doesn't show up it a background check. There are 2 sides to immigration, don't forget that.
I am so sorry this happened to you and I hope you will be able to heal quickly.
But If you think this is an international marriage problem only, then you are mistaken.
This kind of thing happens domestically everyday.
Its pretty straight foward, she came here and hated it and went back home. Good for her. However, you continue to support her and fall for all these stories I mean come on man! If your wife has medical condition that require you selling your vehicle and getting a second job it sounds serious enough to me for you to be by her side??? Not to criticize you dude but plz wake up sooner rather than later.
To anyone with minimal reading comprehension skills, his stereotype included DeeDee, so please don't play semantic games.
By the way, where did DeeDee say that he's not entitled to his opinion, as you imply?
wow...the guy's a complete sex freak. thats blackmail, i consider it emotional abuse. i wish the best for your friend. no woman should be treated like a sex toy
Missing the point, Gowon... Are you reading what I wrote, or is your understanding of sex something that men just do to women? If so, I feel sorry for your wife/fiancee...
This is the girl who said she did not want to come in the first place, not just the topic of one thread but at least two. One of which was whether he was being paranoid with her complete lack of enthusiasm. Right before coming here they were in a big fight over who was paying an $11 cab fare. Then after she came she hated it, moved out immediately, and wanted to go home.
But the OP would not pay for her ticket. He insisted she stay, marry him, and work it out. So she was going to the consulate to have them help her get home. Within weeks of that they were apparently married and he was back on visajourney asking for adjustment of status advice.
It is little wonder this one didn't work out. The OP is still in denial. She was figuratively dragged down the aisle with her heels dug in. There is no room for complaining about her leaving, finding a boyfriend, and applying for means-tested benefits. Those are her rights and the OP is obligated to reimburse the state for them. I do not relish the suffering of someone, even when they have been in such amazing denial. But these were the choices made, and the consequences he agreed to. He insisted on them.
The lesson others have to learn is that the affadavit of support actually means what it says. Don't go into a marriage when the woman is saying she doesn't want to come here in the first place, wants to go home when she gets here, moves out, and literally pushes you away when you try to give affection. Do not sign an affadavit of support and then come back saying you don't feel it is your obligation. I have made big mistakes in my life but owned up to them and looked in the mirror for who was responsible.
So much ####### in this post reply
~"the less you care the more the girl will want you." This is juvenile advice. If you are looking to have a sincere lasting relationship with a true connection to a woman don't follow that advice. If you are looking to play games and get laid by girls with low self esteem then go for it!
~"you should have a minimum of 100 relationships before you consider getting married" I'm 31 and have dated a lot and am nowhere near 100 relationship. That's completely absurd. I whole heartedly believe you will learn more about yourself and what you are looking for in a few long term committed relationships then 100 meaningless flings (because at a number that large, that's all they are).
~"File for divorce and head back to Philippines for the next one." Really?! You make it sounds like picking up a wife is akin to picking up a new weed whacker at Wal-Mart. If you meet someone overseas that is one thing, but looking at the Philippines as a place to serial hook one wife after another until you find something that pleases you is another.
Sheesh....
That is "it" in as nutshell: what can you prove? Do you have proof that she deceived you and only was interested in you as a way into the US? ICE cannot, and will not, spend time on a case like this without you supplying compelling evidence for them to act on. Infidelity is not enough. That can happen in any relationship.
As far as divorce or an annulment, you can initiate that. That occurs in family court which is outside the immigration realm.
*Moved from Adjust Status forum to Effects of Major Changes forum*
I was looking for a sample cover letter for I-751 divorce waiver, but found nothing. Instructions for I-751 say:
Page 2, Evidence of the relationship, middle of the first paragraph:
"Submit copies of as many documents as you wish to establish this fact and demonstrate the circumstances of the relationship from the date of the marriage to the present date, and to demonstrate any circumstances surrounding the end of the relationship, if it has ended."
It took me more than a week, but I came up with this:
I hope this helps someone and I sure hope this 1/2" thick package is good enough for them to approve me. Mailing it tomorrow, maximum Monday.
There is nothing she can do about his green card.
By the way, it is not a "temporary green card that's good for ten years." It is a regular good old green card. Even if it is expired, he still keeps his status as a Legal Permanent Resident.
Also, AOS ended when he first got his conditional green card. She can't stop what has already ended. AOS is irrelevant at this point.
After 15 years of marriage, a friend of mine told his wife that he wanted a divorce because he realized that he was gay. It happens. It's not fraud. It's like others have posted, a difficult situation where a person is grappling with his sexuality.
Divorce and move on.
Being gay is not automaticalkly a matter of fraud. It actually sounds like your firend's husband may be grappling with his sexuality as he would not have been interested in a woman if he was gay and at peace with that. Many people struggle with this because there are backlashes to being out. If your friend has proof that the spouse was out and went out of his way to decieve the spouse to get a green card then she should send that to ICE but it is unlikely that anything will happen. The only thing the friend can really do is divorce and move on. He has a 10 year green card and will probably stay in the US if he wants.
This is one of the realities of the long distance, different culture relationships. The couple always has fun when visiting because it is a vacation for the both of them. They don't see each other in regular life circumstances. That is when we reveal ourselves to our BF/GF/spouses. There is probably an element of jealousy here. That can be present with couples from the same town/country/culture.
In my opinion the friend should work on her relationship (and make it clear to the hubby that it is an important thing for her) regardless of immigration. The counseling idea seems like a good step. Adding the GC (and making the accompanying threats re: immigration) only puts the relationship on poor footing.
user19000 reacted to Laci in Lies and deception. Be aware, please!