SweetDelish

Strange things my husband does:
Eats Vegemite...and likes it. (No offense meant to the Aussies out there, and anyway, Tim Tams make up for Vegemite in the grand scheme of things.)
Irons his clothes. I told him quite early on that, while I love him madly, I do not iron. He's cool with doing it himself. I know ironing is not strange in itself, but I don't think any of the men I know here in the US would iron clothes unless they were under duress.
On the phone, says 'See ya!' instead of 'goodbye' or 'bye.' So I say it now, too.

As Exhibit A, I present this morning's chat session verbatim:

She texts me every month on the exact day (20 th) and time 12:20 pm when I propose to her.

When I listen to her heart beat, it accelerates.

Because she is wonderful... She see's the best in me. She inspires me to write. She is my future and the mother of our future children!! The biggest reason, is before she found me... I was lost. I had no desire to achieve anything except mediocrity and now I want to be the best that I can be for us. I've even stopped smoking and have lost 93lbs!!!! She is my reason for every good thing that I accomplish... And, yeah, she has a killer @ss, drop dead georgeous eyes, a smile that could melt steel and a heart of pure gold!!!!! Plus, I think her Russian temper is sexy!!!!!!!!! Can hardly wait until she's here!!!!!! ?

I love my fiancee because she doesn’t like me to bring her flowers (she sees it as a waste of money) but chocolate is always welcomed.

His @ss fits perfectly into the palms of my hands.

Good to hear things worked out and hes on his way in a few days.

You seem to just want a way into the US. You are putting more emphasis on that than on your actual relationship.

Troll.

Mrs Nelson, You have plenty of support and advice in this thread, so I'm thinking of something different to offer you thats not already said, so I'm trying to view this from the point of view as a Kiwi aswell (I live in Australia at the moment), to see what can be done to help lift his spirits a bit, if he had access to some familiar things from home, he might be happier. I spent 3 months in Canada and finding the smallest thing from NZ was uplifting when I was homesick. the internet is a big one, if nothing else, then this is the one thing you should seriously consider getting. You don't have to get completely wired up at the house, get a wireless card or such, have you found any local wireless spots he can go to? If he can have contact with home or read the NZ newspapers, he could relax a bit more.
see if you can find any local sports bars that show the Rugby, hes a kiwi, I'd be surprised if he didn't follow it. That should change his spirits immensely, nothing says home to a Kiwi man like a Rugby game. I know that the games can be streamed live from the internet over there, but.. you need internet for that.
how about encourage him to cook at least once a week, I know there are several websites that have NZ/Australian foods you can have delivered, it might be pricey, but a couple of small home treats will help that won't break the budget. contact his family in NZ perhaps and ask if they can send a care package or two.
Id be happy to send you some NZ recipes and links to websites for such things that I'm collecting myself for my (eventual) move.
I don't know if this will help him. but its worth a shot if it hasn't been tried already.

Mrs Nelson, You have plenty of support and advice in this thread, so I'm thinking of something different to offer you thats not already said, so I'm trying to view this from the point of view as a Kiwi aswell (I live in Australia at the moment), to see what can be done to help lift his spirits a bit, if he had access to some familiar things from home, he might be happier. I spent 3 months in Canada and finding the smallest thing from NZ was uplifting when I was homesick. the internet is a big one, if nothing else, then this is the one thing you should seriously consider getting. You don't have to get completely wired up at the house, get a wireless card or such, have you found any local wireless spots he can go to? If he can have contact with home or read the NZ newspapers, he could relax a bit more.
see if you can find any local sports bars that show the Rugby, hes a kiwi, I'd be surprised if he didn't follow it. That should change his spirits immensely, nothing says home to a Kiwi man like a Rugby game. I know that the games can be streamed live from the internet over there, but.. you need internet for that.
how about encourage him to cook at least once a week, I know there are several websites that have NZ/Australian foods you can have delivered, it might be pricey, but a couple of small home treats will help that won't break the budget. contact his family in NZ perhaps and ask if they can send a care package or two.
Id be happy to send you some NZ recipes and links to websites for such things that I'm collecting myself for my (eventual) move.
I don't know if this will help him. but its worth a shot if it hasn't been tried already.

Another example of starting by denying the thing you are about to do: The speaker professes themselves to be the "sad bleeding-heart type". Boundless compassion for others - look at the happy face. We are taught to see if the next sentence will demonstrate the opposite: in this case to deny the OP any compassion at all. So right on cue:
BUT. (Translation: I'm going to do the opposite of what I just said). "Devil's Advocate" means to blame the victim: to take up the side against him. The OP has a cheating green card scammer beneficiary and we'll show him no heart at all, let alone a bleeding one. No happy face here!
After you provoke someone, make sure to minimize what you've done, and blame them for answering your question:
The word "only" is the minimizer. All I did was ask this little bitty question and here you went and over-reacted with an answer. How could you be so unreasonable when I am showing you zero compassion and all?
Then finish off by casting even more aspersions on the OP. Such a Bleeding heart happy-face thing to do, you know. Look again how the words mean the opposite of what they say. I don't know much of this person, but we are taught that this is an important signal we should pay attention to.
Look for this in your beneficiary. The OP had a beneficiary that was doing the opposite of what she was saying and there will have been signals just like this that he discounted because love is blind. Look back over your history with her verysadguy - where your gut was telling you something but you explained it away. They'll profusely declare their love for you in words, sure. But the actions - gee, it's almost like they love someone else or something!

In my opinion, he will get it when he is ready. He may not have found the design he wants yet. i have multiple, including a full back piece that took 49hours to complete over 6 months, I was on a waiting list for my artist for 2.5 years before it started. It hurt like nothing in this world, and it wasn't my first, I had my ribs done and a couple of smaller ones. (I'm in the process of getting the 2 smaller ones removed by laser, one i don't like, and the other my tattooist has said it ruins his back piece design haha)
The point is, its a personal commitment. a person needs to be sure they are ready. It can't be encouraged.
p.s or you could just tell him to suck it up.

Ever heard of only answering a question if you want to help?

You're given a lifetime of getting to know each other before the visa process starts. Try mentioning it to a CO that you're getting the visa because it has a 90 days try-it-out. You do get to know each other on a different level when it's no longer 2 weeks worth of vacation adventures here and there, or talking/emailing. It's direct contact, dialogues, who-does-the-dishes and issues that won't surface on most visits if only visiting a couple of times.
OP, congratulations with your mutual decision of it wasn't meant to be.

I have a couple of suggestions for those who aren't here yet, and for those who read this thread in the future:
To the one moving from abroad:
Make sure you have some of your everyday familiar items with you from Day One. Things that to you, make your present home a home. Some art prints; a decorative pillow; anything - whatever it is that says "home" to you. Even if it's worn out. It's yours. It's home.
Try to think of your first few months here as a time to renew yourself. Plan for the renewal. Make a list of projects you have been wanting to do and didn't have time for in your old busy life. Share these projects with your American spouse BEFORE YOU GET HERE. Set aside funds for them (if necessary) and then DO THEM when you get here.
Be open and honest with your American spouse. Their life has changed now that you are here. But not as much as yours. Sometimes we get busy and just think you are OK. Tell us when you aren't.
To the US citizen:
Get rid of the blatant "ex" stuff in your.
Make closest space, drawer space, bookcase space, DVD space - as much space as you can.
Make a physical space for your spouse from abroad. I hung a pair of curtains in our home office that looked like some you see would see in my husband's country. We hung two pictures from his old house over his desk.
Get some patience and some understanding. And some empathy. Lots. You might have been the reason someone moved thousands of miles to get here. But you aren't a good enough reason for their life to come to a standstill.

I can really relate to what you wrote. I had known and been communicating and repeatedly visiting Aaron for more than a year before I told my parents that he even existed, and that was the same conversation in which I told them that we had gotten engaged. (And no, telling them in advance of the wedding, and trying to help them feel included in my own way, did not help a bit.) Oh, and I'm 33, and have been living on my own for 13 years, and 800 miles away from them for almost 11.
They were, and are, furious about it, which really hurts. Part of it is definitely xenophobia and overprotectiveness: during the only phase in the conversation when my mother seemed to be vaguely aware that this was primarily about my life and not hers, the only things she could think of to tell me were: "black men [or did she say African? or both?] really like blonde women" (implying that he only likes me because I fulfill some sort of tired stereotype), and that (in her opinion) some people only get into interracial relationships because they enjoy opposition and want to make a statement (or something like that).
Part of it is also their religious/traditional values: I (supposedly) belong to them until they give me away to some deserving man who has conducted a closely supervised, parentally sanctioned, and very chaste courtship of me on my parents' couch, or something. HA! Apparently the last 13 years have taught them nothing about me at all.
But a lot of it is just that this does not fit their image of how their life would play out, and in many ways, I and my life only really exist to them as plot devices in their life. I didn't let them write the script or stage manage the performance, which in their minds equates to love, so I must not care. They have been intensely controlling my entire life, and something like this is when those tendencies tend to flare up the most.
We're kind of at an impasse now, and have been since I told them in January. My dad had originally wanted to communicate by email with Aaron (after declining to talk to him on the phone when I offered), which Aaron was willing to do, but I eventually decided not to facilitate that due to the high likelihood that my dad would say a lot of things he would really regret later after getting to know Aaron as a real person. That, and it is really beneath my dignity as an adult to sit idly by and let other people discuss/think they are determining MY future. I think they may come here to visit in a few weeks, and if they do, I may arrange a conversation between all of us and Aaron via webcam, having told him ahead of time that I may abruptly disconnect if they get out of hand. I do want them to feel included, but not if that requires relinquishing my ownership of my own life, or hurts Aaron.
So...family harmony is important, but everyone in your family is currently mourning the demise of their vision of how you would fit into their lives and the choices you would make (as you are mourning the demise of your vision of how they would behave during this exciting time in your life!), so give them some time to work through their emotions. Once he is here, they may be ready to calm down and interact more.
I read an article the other day that said, "Your parents don’t want what is best for you. They want what is good for you, which isn’t always the same thing." They would much rather you do things in your life that are acceptable, safe, normal, and good enough, but you owe it to yourself to do the thing that is a risk but has the potential to give you the best possible, fully realized version of your life.

I have just started the k1 process and have found this thread somewhat helpful. Things to expect, things to prepare for. Vicky and others thank you for your candid posts, it hasn't scared me. Its helped.
I recently spent a month in Hawaii with my fiance, hes based there for now (military), and he had to work every day, he was up at 4am and not home till 6pm at the earliest, one day he even worked a 24 hour shift. While we were both a little sad that he couldn't take any time off, I'm actually grateful, more so after reading this, as it gave me a taste of what life would be like. He had recently bought a new car so kept the old one for me to drive, it took me a few days but I learned to get around. By the end of my month I was driving to more than one destination in a trip. ha. Before that I would go where I needed to go, and then come back to the house so I wouldn't get lost.
My fiance has other buddies in his unit and previous unit with foreign wives, hes been talking to them about transition aswell.
Like you Vicky, I'll be moving in to the house that my fiance bought with his ex-wife. Hes been getting rid of the last bits of furniture they bought together that she left behind, so we can start buying our own. We've already bought 2 things together, and he wants to wait till I'm there to do the rest. Which is nice, and will help. We will be moving back to the mainland next year sometime, so we get to start again on a house to call ours.
Your husband sounds like hes working hard to figure out ways to support you. Hes learning about this as he goes, just as much as you are and sounds like a good man who loves you.
I look forward to continue reading both yours and others experiences, highs and lows.
Thank you.

She does, dried fish, strange vegetables, fish with heads on, little angel statues, pork with the skin still on, orchids, little angel statues, vinegar that burns the tongue its so hot, huge bottles of soy sauce, rice cooker, little angel statues, cell phone chargers, noodles, 20 kilo bags of rice, did I mention little angel statues? lol
As to dust bunnies, they have fled the neighbors homes out of fear of her! My books are organized by author. My perpetually cluttered office is now so organized I can't find a thing.

exactly how i am feeling. kind of in limbo. vegas is not quite home yet but london doesn't feel like home anymore.
i think its all about being prepared. if you no your going to be moving to another country start saving money as your going to need it to contribute. my savings will equal what my fiance earns in one year. and i can drive.

Vicky--
I call the K1 visa the "step-child" visa because it gets you here but you feel left out like Cinderella and not allowed to go to the ball by the wicked step-mother. There is that limbo period where you are a "nothing" it seems. I can't fix you but I can offer some suggestions.
You are eligible for a SSN as a K1 up until 2 weeks before your I-94 expires. Go apply for one taking your passport and I-94. Apply in the name exactly as written on your I-94. Don't mention marriage or name changes. Fix that with them later. If an uninformed worker says you aren't eligible, insist on a supervisor and don't leave until you get one. Not all offices are familiar with K1s. That should get you on the bank account. Or go to a different bank in person. Many allow it and you will let you provide your SSN as soon as you get it. Or ask for a higher up at his current bank.
Driving: Most states now require some proof of extended stay/legal status in the US. That's a K1 limbo thing since you only have 90 days until you get an EAD card or greencard. All other visas pretty much have longer. So consider yourself a visitor until USCIS grants you permanent residence. Visitors are allowed to drive in MO on their foreign license. My husband drove on his UK license, even got a ticket on it. Might take some getting used to flipping sides of the car and road, but start practicing. I drove from Heathrow to Oxford my first go at it in the UK with much back seat driving instruction. It starts to feel more normal the more you drive.
Don't be too mad at the USCIS. You did give up a good life, but there are thousands who would scam their own mother to get to the US. The rules have to apply across the board to honest people and fraudulents alike. But it still sucks to be caught where you are. That's why a CR1 spouse visa has the advantage over the K1. The fiance visa may get you here a month or two faster, but then you're stuck.
So when are you going to file for AOS? The sooner you do, the sooner your "house arrest" is over. If you need help, PM me. Or even if you have concerns, I'll listen.
Oh, and get over feeling like you shouldn't ask for money. He loves you. He married you. What's his is yours. Spend it without feeling guilty. I was kinda sensitive to hubby's feelings when he came and didn't want to make him feel like I was giving him an allowance. I tried to make it seem like it was "our" money as much as I could. If you are hesitant to ask, maybe he doesn't know what you want or need.
I know you can survive. You've got a positive future with a handsome PhD candidate. Nobody faults you for venting so carry on. Hug Hug HUG!!