Transition Issues

[Vicky and Larry 27]

I am probably not going to say anything that other people on this forum have not heard before, or even experienced in a similar way. I do need to vent, though, and especially with people who I believe understand how this feels. I thought I was over the worst of the transition issues, but it seems from offering someone else in the same situation solace from my experiences that it just raised a whole lot of angry and frustrated that I thought I had come to terms with. I guess, I was just being naive?

This is my main gripe, which I am sure is old news, but I still need to say it out loud:

Once immigration have established that you are moving to this country for REAL reasons, shouldn't they make it easier for you to integrate? I left everything I own, apart from a suitcase of clothes, to be here. I was willing to move to a whole new country just to be with someone. Being married is a life change, and leaving your home is an even bigger one. Why should I then still be treated with suspicion and with a 2nd class status? In fact, I don't even have a status, well, apart from an alien one. I can't access anything here. I can't drive, because I need an SSN and MO officials don't know what they are doing. I cant be added onto my husbands bank account. I am effectively under house arrest. I feel like I have nothing to get up for in the morning. I dread waking up and trying to feel excited about house chores...and for the next 6 months!?

Missouri does not have public transport, unless you want to walk 2 miles to a bus stop, wait for hours, and have to get multiple buses to one destination that may also go through the less desirable parts of town. That's been my biggest hurdle. I can't get around unless people want to pick me up and drive me places, which I do not like to ask. And, then mostly everyone works in the day.

I feel like since the K1 application really began that I have felt frustrated. Maybe it's me and maybe it's part of the process? I had a head injury 16 months ago and one of the issues I feel that has changed is that I have less patience and I get frustrated more easily than I used to-- this process is really testing that side of me. I saw a neurologist over here a few weeks ago who assures me that my symptoms are in the range of 'normal' for someone who has suffered a head injury. I have frontal brain atrophy, which is a degenerative issues that we all experience as we get older, except that my frontal lobes are smaller than they should be for someone of my age. The long and short of it is that although my front lobes have shrunk due to the trauma, I do not have any long-term damage, and I should make a full recovery, they just don't know how long.

I wonder whether I am just constantly unhappy? I feel so confused. How much is this about the new changes in my life? And, how much is about my head injury?

I have read about 'Transition Shock' and I can definitely relate to a lot of what it says - I don't feel homesick in that I think that going back to the U.K will fix everything. I am sure I can make it here and that I can be happy overtime, but this short-term hurdle of adjusting, feeling disconnected, feeling like my new home is not really my home at all, and I mean my husbands home. I just don't feel like this is my home yet. He has been so good about letting me move stuff around and paint and all that, but just being in the house all day by myself is driving me insane. I have applied for some voluntary positions that I could walk to. This just does not feel so healthy, not for me anyway. I have an inquisitive and analytical mind, which has it's pros and cons. In the field I want to work in it will serve me well, but too much time on my hands and it's a disaster. Time is all I flipping have.

It's started effecting my relationship now. Not in a detrimental way, but in ways I think we could avoid if there weren't all this frustration. My husband works a lot, and is in the middle of a doctorate, so we literally get one day a week where we can just be together. I am finding that it's not enough with all this time I have on my hands.

I am trying to unscramble all my thoughts as I type this and put them in some kind of order....

I think I feel angry with him, because I don't feel like he understands how this feels. Sure I am happy to be with him, finally in the same country, and I do love him to pieces, but I don't enjoy all the sacrifices and hurdles. And, sure other people have it worse, but this is my reality and my feelings feel real to me.

I am very good at dismissing my own feelings, so I have to work hard at hearing myself and making sure that does not happen, so when we talk I need him to make it easy for me to be honest, and sometimes that just does not happen. I know that is a part of relationships and overcoming your own way of communicating as a couple, but right now we suck at it. We are usually a good team, but with his work stresses and my issues it seems like a bad combo.

I don't understand why I feel angry with him?

I do not like not having my own money and my own bank card, I have to ask for things. My husband is not a control freak, either, he wants me on the bank account. Arghhhh I am getting sick of reading my words now.

Blah. blah.

[sara80 17]

I can say it is normal, and you know it is but having so much time for yourself you are starting to doubt yourself in everything.

Well, last summer I stayed in Anchorage, Alaska where my fiance' lives for 85 days.. while he was working I started building up thoughts and everything that could pass my mind... I was well bored when he wasn't around. And sometimes I took it on him, well..more than sometimes... whenever I was frustrated cos maybe he wasn't giving me attention straight away from when he was back home I would flip or act as a baby!! But after all, I didn't know anyone else there, so I told him to be patient with me, the only real person I was talking to was him..

I know it is going to be hard whenever it will be my time to move over there, with no jobs and no friends, despite I am planning to join some free activities or just try to go around (by bus) by myself I know I will be upset sometimes. But still, I am going to go, cos it is what I want to do, be with him!

You are on the right path, you are trying to do something with your time, so it will be brighter soon Be strong, maybe have a look if there is any group meeting up nearby!!

[positive girl:) 1]

I'm sad that youre feeling that way. Just got my visa approved and will be moving on May 27th. I too have some issues of moving out my comfort zone, but the thought of me being with my fiance uplifts my spirit. Maybe Im not yet there and haven't experienced house arrest,or everything that you have mentioned,but I know that something like that might really happened.

Being not busy is I think one of the factors why you're feeling like that, and him working much makes you feel more alone. Try to do some activity for the meantime, something new to learn like cooking or doing some arts, or go to your neighbors, or something that youve missed when you were still busy and doing a lot of stuff.

Imagine that this is just a vacation for you and after thAT you'll be back to work soon, so relax a little, for the meantime enjoy being a lovely wife and enjoy being the home maker, for surely time will pass and you will miss this moment again.

I hope that you'll be ok soon that you will enjoy each and every moment of your stay. You're one of the lucky people who were given the chance to be with someone you love so might as well think of that as an inspiration to get you going. Others are still in the agony of waiting for their visas to be approved.

No one said that its really easy, talk to your partner, he might help you.

Goodluck to us! All the best!

[Caryh 5,206]

Sounds like my wife going stir crazy when she first got here. No I did not understand her feelings, I've never been through what she was going through. Part of it was us learning to be a team together rather than separate individuals. Part was missing home and all she gave up to be here. And a huge part was the isolation, and not being allowed to work. She had way too much time on her hands. And I was working a straight 40 hour week and able to run home for lunch every day. Still she was used to working her butt off, many hours every day with the business she built with her sister back in her home country. This being a housewife was in no way satisfying to her needs as a person. It took a lot of emotional turmoil on her part, it took a lot of consoling from me and accepting how she reacted at times is not who she is under normal conditions. Nothing about these huge changes in normal. They're extremely hard to handle for most people. Maybe this is partly from your trauma, but even without that it would be normal to have some of these feelings. All I can say is I've watched my wife and it does get better. She's working now, for two months now, and things are much better. Soon she'll have her license and her own car. And that will be another huge mile stone for us here. All I can say is vent when you need to, and keep your eye on the target. You said it yourself, you can make it here. Its not easy, you're in one of the hardest parts of it right now. But when you're coasting on the other side of this mountain you're climbing, its so going to be worth it.

Edited May 1, 2012 by Caryh

[Vicky and Larry 27]

I'm sad that youre feeling that way. Just got my visa approved and will be moving on May 27th. I too have some issues of moving out my comfort zone, but the thought of me being with my fiance uplifts my spirit. Maybe Im not yet there and haven't experienced house arrest,or everything that you have mentioned,but I know that something like that might really happened.

Being not busy is I think one of the factors why you're feeling like that, and him working much makes you feel more alone. Try to do some activity for the meantime, something new to learn like cooking or doing some arts, or go to your neighbors, or something that youve missed when you were still busy and doing a lot of stuff.

Imagine that this is just a vacation for you and after thAT you'll be back to work soon, so relax a little, for the meantime enjoy being a lovely wife and enjoy being the home maker, for surely time will pass and you will miss this moment again.

I hope that you'll be ok soon that you will enjoy each and every moment of your stay. You're one of the lucky people who were given the chance to be with someone you love so might as well think of that as an inspiration to get you going. Others are still in the agony of waiting for their visas to be approved.

No one said that its really easy, talk to your partner, he might help you.

Goodluck to us! All the best!

If there's one thing I don't want to do it's scare other people who are still awaiting their visa's or just about to take the plunge. I would not change marrying my husband or being here. Perhaps, where you will be there will be better transport. I think I have just been unlucky with the transport side of things along with the Social Security Number issue.

These are just my experiences, so do not rely on them to be true for you, and perhaps prepare yourself in ways that I may not have.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

All the best!

Edited May 1, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[Boiler 45,673]

On a K1 you get a SSN a few weeks after entry.

In CO I could drive on my UK license until I got my EAD.

I opened a bank account on the basis I would let them have the SSN when I got it.

Edited May 1, 2012 by Boiler

[Elora & Rob 15]

The feelings that your having are quite natural. The stress and sacrifice that most of us on this forum have to go through is enough to break anybody down and it seems that even once you pass the first hurdle theres many more to come. The head injury seems like something your making into a bigger deal than it actually is. If you go to a Dr they will always find something wrong with you. have you really been unhappy for over a year......if so why would you have gotten married?

Try and remember how you were feeling before you moved. You may only see your husband one day a week, what would you have given a year ago to have one day a week in his company and share the same bed every night?

By the way you can still drive on a UK drivers license for up to a year I believe. I paid $200 to get insured on my fiances car for 6 months yesterday. Why not drive you husband to work and school every day then you will have the car on you to go out and do things.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Sounds like my wife going stir crazy when she first got here. No I did not understand her feelings, I've never been through what she was going through. Part of it was us learning to be a team together rather than separate individuals. Part was missing home and all she gave up to be here. And a huge part was the isolation, and not being allowed to work. She had way too much time on her hands. And I was working a straight 40 hour week and able to run home for lunch every day. Still she was used to working her butt off, many hours every day with the business she built with her sister back in her home country. This being a housewife was in no way satisfying to her needs as a person. It took a lot of emotional turmoil on her part, it took a lot of consoling from me and accepting how she reacted at times is not who she is under normal conditions. Nothing about these huge changes in normal. They're extremely hard to handle for most people. Maybe this is partly from your trauma, but even without that it would be normal to have some of these feelings. All I can say is I've watched my wife and it does get better. She's working now, for two months now, and things are much better. Soon she'll have her license and her own car. And that will be another huge mile stone for us here. All I can say is vent when you need to, and keep your eye on the target. You said it yourself, you can make it here. Its not easy, you're in one of the hardest parts of it right now. But when you're coasting on the other side of this mountain you're climbing, its so going to be worth it.

I feel like hugging you, and what you said made me cry (yet again, but in a good way). You help me remember that I am 'normal'. And, it's soooooo good to hear this from a guy. I am soo happy that you guys are making it work.

Thank you.

[redsnap 13]

I think everyone who moved from another country can relate with your feelings! It's good you don't put your head in the sand and are looking for voluntary positions. I came here and could get my SSN right away and had my permission to work but that does not mean I could find a job right away, especially since I have no work experience in the US. In fact I'm still unemployed after 7 months. But I volunteer and there might be a chance for a permanent position. I have 2 master's degrees and left a great job in the legal field...I know it is frustrating and I don't like to be dependent, but that's just how it is for now. And think of it like that, you add a lot of value by doing housework and laundry, also when you do some painting that adds value to your house...

Are you sure you cannot use your British driver's license temporarily? I could use mine and then I just had to take a written test. I know, every state is different, but get the manual and get prepared, so then it will be easy to take the test.

I hope the venting helped, but you have to try to make more plans for the future and enjoy the time you have for yourself! you'll have a job in no time and then you'll be craving the time where you had not too much to do

Try to make friends, bond with your neighbors, start a garden, remodel and tile the kitchen, learn juggling, make paintings,... This is what I do and did and there are so many other things you can do...

Good luck and keep your head up!

[LeftCoastLady 441]

Have you thought about starting a blog to write about this experience? It may help to have a journal of this as well as possibly provide a connection to others who are going through the same or similar emotions of being in a new place with limitations on what you can do/where you can go.

Is there a community college in your area that offers online courses? That could help pass the time, too, and help you pick up additional skills.

Also, on your head injury, if possible with your husband's insurance, you should seek a second opinion. Not saying that medication is always the answer, but it may help, especially during the adjustment period, which I'm sure is aggravating the symptoms even more.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

I can say it is normal, and you know it is but having so much time for yourself you are starting to doubt yourself in everything.

Well, last summer I stayed in Anchorage, Alaska where my fiance' lives for 85 days.. while he was working I started building up thoughts and everything that could pass my mind... I was well bored when he wasn't around. And sometimes I took it on him, well..more than sometimes... whenever I was frustrated cos maybe he wasn't giving me attention straight away from when he was back home I would flip or act as a baby!! But after all, I didn't know anyone else there, so I told him to be patient with me, the only real person I was talking to was him..

I know it is going to be hard whenever it will be my time to move over there, with no jobs and no friends, despite I am planning to join some free activities or just try to go around (by bus) by myself I know I will be upset sometimes. But still, I am going to go, cos it is what I want to do, be with him!

You are on the right path, you are trying to do something with your time, so it will be brighter soon Be strong, maybe have a look if there is any group meeting up nearby!!

I can relate to what you have said.

Blimey!

Thank you. :-)

Oh, and good LUCK!

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Have you thought about starting a blog to write about this experience? It may help to have a journal of this as well as possibly provide a connection to others who are going through the same or similar emotions of being in a new place with limitations on what you can do/where you can go.

Is there a community college in your area that offers online courses? That could help pass the time, too, and help you pick up additional skills.

Also, on your head injury, if possible with your husband's insurance, you should seek a second opinion. Not saying that medication is always the answer, but it may help, especially during the adjustment period, which I'm sure is aggravating the symptoms even more.

I like the idea of a blog. I find writing very cathartic, and if my words helped others that would feel even better. Me and my husband have both commented on the fact that some of my symptoms have worsened, which is down to the stress. I have been working out in the gym, but I have to take it slow as I suffer with fatigue too. I think the blog might help.

Thanks for that idea and the community college one.

[sara80 17]

I can relate to what you have said.

Blimey!

Thank you. :-)

Oh, and good LUCK!

Thx and good luck to you too, just try to stay positive and talk to him of how you feel.

I am not a "housewife" type so I know how hard it can be to stay in the house all day long and sometimes altho I wanted to, I couldn't even get up to do some basic chores.

But you'll see, soon it will all be brighter, have a look on the website meetup.com, there might be some groups worth checking out!

Let us know how it goes, but don't feel something is wrong with you cos it is totally normal. I have been thro kind of the same when I moved to the UK so I very well know that type of feeling, but then I was all by myself. Try to enjoy the little time you spend with your husband, it's not how much time but the quality. Prepare some romantic dinners, or propose to watch some films together, etc..

[LeftCoastLady 441]

Thx and good luck to you too, just try to stay positive and talk to him of how you feel.

I am not a "housewife" type so I know how hard it can be to stay in the house all day long and sometimes altho I wanted to, I couldn't even get up to do some basic chores.

But you'll see, soon it will all be brighter, have a look on the website meetup.com, there might be some groups worth checking out!

Let us know how it goes, but don't feel something is wrong with you cos it is totally normal. I have been thro kind of the same when I moved to the UK so I very well know that type of feeling, but then I was all by myself. Try to enjoy the little time you spend with your husband, it's not how much time but the quality. Prepare some romantic dinners, or propose to watch some films together, etc..

Along the lines of MeetUp, there's also a group called MeetIn and they have a St. Louis chapter: http://www.meetin.org/city/MEETinSTLOUIS/index.cfm?CFS=Yes

I used to be active in the MeetInPortland group and it's a great way to meet people in a casual environment, get out of the house to sightsee, and make new friends.

[Caryh 5,206]

Glad I could help from the point of view of someone who has watched someone go through what you're feeling. I'm rather empathic to my wife's feelings, so in a way I feel it with her. We got pretty darn close with a long relationship before she came here. You might have to do some searching to find a school that will accept you without a green card. Some schools require proof of legal status in the USA before they'll accept you. And they don't really understand the K-1 process to well, which I'm sure isn't news for you by now. Some will though, so keep searching if thats the path you're taking. I tried to get my wife to volunteer with our church, but part of her need to work comes from the point of view that it provides help for our family. Working for free just wasn't what was going to satisfy her emotional needs. Seeing her excitement with getting her first pay checks was actually pretty fun to watch.