InHisTime

Please do not accept the bs of him staying half year here and half year there,he will have a new family there, period, and he will return here every time he needs some money. You love your husband, but I don't think he loves you at all. What you described here is not a healthy relationship my dear. Buy one way ticket, ,divorce him and move on . Life is to short to live with someone that clearly has zero respect for you.

You are welcome madam. It's always your choice. VJ friends are just giving their insights, some are helpful, indeed and can lead to a wise decision. Of course there are things that we don't want to hear about, but that is how it is, everyone has different perspectives. At least now you get to know some facts and realities.
I admire you for listening and considering some ideas. It may really hurt but in the long term you will be thankful for. A wise man knows how to listen and reflect. You sound a very good woman and trusting. I pray that God will guide you with your decision and reveal to you the truth in time. Stay strong.
For now, just take it one day at a time, no rush, get to know more and more. If he is really true, I am sure he will find ways, and will be patient enough to wait. The finest cuisine takes time to cook, isn't it ?
Again, take care good care of your heart and your daughter. After all, I am sure you will be fine and happy even without a man in your life -- just in case.
I wish you good luck in whatever option you make.

Hi Kolewenoik31
I really understand your feelings. As a good practicing christian, we really do our best to work out and extend more patience in our relationship, even to the point that we get so much pain. Love can make us blind. But God doesn't want us to be down and that is why we need lift all our burdens to God and He will do the rest.
I believe by this time you have some realizations already and even lessons learned from the experience. Based on your sharing, obviously your husband doesn't love you at all as his actions are clearly saying it all. He is not even trying to take steps in getting closer to your kids.
You have your kids with you, they are the most precious jewels that you have right now. Just focus your attention on the kids welfare, and with God's grace you would realize that you have done the best thing for yourself and kids. I think you should not look for him anymore, let him go and do what he wants in life. If he is a good man with a good heart, he will never do this thing to you knowing of your sacrifices in bringing him even closer to you. If he comes back, well he should be remorse and truly regret for his actions. He should demonstrate his true love not just saying it through words. I guess it is not that easy to trust him back, but of course anything is possible if God will reign back in his heart. This takes time and you need to be careful and also take good care of your heart. If you are ready then I think divorce is an option especially if your choice is to move on after all. It's your decision anyway.
For now, you have to be strong for your kids. Don't dwell on this thing as it is not worthy at all. Heads up !!! Keep your faith stronger than ever. God will surely heal your heart in time and hopefully would bless you with a true man who knows how to respect and treat his wife the way that God wants it to be. Take care

Hi Kolewenoik31
I really understand your feelings. As a good practicing christian, we really do our best to work out and extend more patience in our relationship, even to the point that we get so much pain. Love can make us blind. But God doesn't want us to be down and that is why we need lift all our burdens to God and He will do the rest.
I believe by this time you have some realizations already and even lessons learned from the experience. Based on your sharing, obviously your husband doesn't love you at all as his actions are clearly saying it all. He is not even trying to take steps in getting closer to your kids.
You have your kids with you, they are the most precious jewels that you have right now. Just focus your attention on the kids welfare, and with God's grace you would realize that you have done the best thing for yourself and kids. I think you should not look for him anymore, let him go and do what he wants in life. If he is a good man with a good heart, he will never do this thing to you knowing of your sacrifices in bringing him even closer to you. If he comes back, well he should be remorse and truly regret for his actions. He should demonstrate his true love not just saying it through words. I guess it is not that easy to trust him back, but of course anything is possible if God will reign back in his heart. This takes time and you need to be careful and also take good care of your heart. If you are ready then I think divorce is an option especially if your choice is to move on after all. It's your decision anyway.
For now, you have to be strong for your kids. Don't dwell on this thing as it is not worthy at all. Heads up !!! Keep your faith stronger than ever. God will surely heal your heart in time and hopefully would bless you with a true man who knows how to respect and treat his wife the way that God wants it to be. Take care

Sorry for this, but you need to be strong for yourself. Mostly a cheater will always be a cheater. Save yourself from more pains.
Sometimes it's God's way for you to realize that it is not worth at all. Just pray hard and you will get the right answer, follow your instinct then.
Give thanks to God after all, you didn't start the petition yet. God will heal your heart in time.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I told my sister and she was very supportive and cried with me. I plan on telling mom and other family members over the weekend.
I am definitely not filing any paperwork. He called a few times today and I didn't answer the phone. I know I will be ok but right now I am still hurting.
thanks again for listening

I do hope he finds job soon so he could help you financially. He's 25 then should be productive at this time to help you with all the immigration expenses.
No one could exactly predict the outcome of your relationship / engagement / visa request.
I do understand your feelings, being in love. Love can make us blind. But take good care of your heart as you have a little girl to take care.
I agree with the suggestions here, more face time interactions, knowing him so well....slowly but surely. As noted, Ghana embassy is tough and I think it is for your own good as there were lots of cases of fraud. The change of attitude / heart and mind could happen once he comes to the states or receives his GC.
Three days meeting in person to get into an engagement is quite unbelievable and risky. Talking online and over the phone is not enough to measure his sincerity. He is unemployed then he has all time to be online everyday but for me that isn't enough at all. Hope he helps by getting a job and aim to help you for the cost of travel visits and immigration expenses. It should take efforts from him as well.
No one could actually tell the best thing you should do... but I know, in your heart... you know what is best for you. Pray to God and I am sure He will direct and give you signs for reflection.
Best wishes !

OP my heart goes out to you in this situation but I urge you to think of yourself and your son. A marriage vow is a serious commitment, and though you say your husband is not physically or verbally abusive to you - what he is doing to you is effectively holding you and your child hostage and compelling you to break the law. It is a form of abuse. I know right now you have a lot to think about and get through, but you need to protect yourself. Your husband does not take his marriage vows and obligations or sacrifices you made to arrive here to be with him seriously. If he will not sign the form, then the best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to get out of this situation, divorce and go home. This is not love. It is not even respect.

If he refuses to sign even after speaking to an immigration lawyer your best bet is to file for divorce and go on with your life. He is not the husband you would want for yourself nor the father figure you should wish for your child.

Ladies!
Have some sense of humor. He wrote the 'crazy' comment (just trying to be funny I suppose) and you gals totally bought it. I consider myself to be a very stable and reasonable woman, but I know there are few days I act like an unstable lunatic (hormones). The good thing is that my husband knows the difference and is aware that is NOT real me. Please ladies, stop taking yourself so seriously.
I don't know about OP wife. I guess we would have to hear her side of the story.

madtown guy you said "All women are crazy, it doesn't matter what color they are or where they are from" I believe you might be referring to your mother, sister and wife, but please do not include me on your list,because I have brains.
I can understand you, because when someone was raised by a crazy mother,grew up around crazy siblings and ended up getting married to a crazy woman, then the person tends to make generalizations, but no matter how long you'be been around crazy women there is always room for improvement! You are invited to the other side of the sanity.

Why is she not working? is she looking for a job or is she just a lazy one? if she is not looking for a job do not pay her loan!.He chose to get married it means she is big enough to be responsible to pay her debit. I understand when the couple share responsibilities/finances, but leaving you responsible to oay everything alone is so wrong in all levels.
She can't "take away your GC. Being around someone threatening you, taking advantage of you is not healthy,Lfe is too short to have this kind of poor relationship.Move out and file for divorce.

He was not who you thought he was.
The combination of terrible credit and lying/cheating on his wife - it just means he is not someone to trust.
The violence that has erupted recently - that has nothing but a bad, bad ending for you. You need to get away from this person. Get the divorce underway. You don't love him - you love someone who does not exist. The real person is the one beating you, cheating on you, and ruining you financially.
You can proceed through citizenship on your own, but self-preservation is the first order of business. Best of luck to you.

you have your own home a great job and a child thats in school. the only issue is him and his racism..which doesn't look like he will change since he wants to move to a place that will boost it even higher. stay put! if he is going to divorce you he will do it where you are, he will do it in nj he will do it in ny. doesn't matter. and if he does leave then you still have everything going for you where you are now. if you move. you will lose everything and possibly him as well? the risk is to high. moving there will be depended of him .and being from new York its super easy to fall into the wrong crowd of Dominicans. this is where you need to lay aside the emotions and do things with wisdom. just sit down and write a list , one side risk and one side opportunities. and I think your answer will soon come to you .. I just cant think of one good opportunity in moving to another place just because his hate for people ior being in a marriage where he threatens to leave with one foot outside the door already .. I know you will do the right thing for you and your child !
good luck!

Prepare yourself because after getting the permanent GC I bet he will leave you. Being racist tells a LOT about someone character.

Let him go back if he wants to, (though I doubt that he will). If he is that bad now, he will only get worse once he gets his green card. You need to put yourself and your child first, do not move anywhere.

Hello ! I read the original post, and of course "norabloom" post. It is really sad that women, and even men have to undergo these kind of feelings after all in the name of love. Love should be the greatest of all feelings. With that said, I hope everyone, including me, could learn lessons from these experiences. But then let me remind everyone that It is not about our failures in love, it is more about on how we stand firm and overcome failures into success. First, let us learn to love and respect more of ourselves to avoid manipulations and deceits. Let us be careful of our hearts by knowing well first the person we are about to fall in love. In short, start with good friendship first... no rush ! By then maybe you will know if it is meant to be or not.
I hope this helps a little. I also hope that the original poster will be able to work out on her immigration status, if not, give it sometime to go back home and start life all over again. Life is unfair sometimes, but I believe it can't be unfair all times. Keep the faith and hope in you....love will come again maybe in God's name. Good luck !

Darnell I travel around this Country every year (over 15 years) 20/30 times per year to give conference about domestic violence to counselors,social workers and psychologists, to provide them with information about what they can advise or not to the DV victims .The advise you gave here to this woman IT'S DAMN WRONG! . WE domestic violence advocates will not tell/advise to the victims to reconcile /work in their marriage when psychical abuse is happening,and nobody should advise either.
The first thing we have to tell to the victim is LEAVE THE ABUSER NOW,SEEK A SAFE PLACE, and later on you think about your marriage. The person's safety comes first than her/his marriage. This woman is being physically abused ,please never ever suggest/advise to victims of domestic violence to put themselves in danger! to stay in the same house,to talk with the husband.This is a really bad advise.When a victim call the domestic violence helpline,the victim will not hear " honey calm down,seat with him, talk to him,maybe he is in "pain, stress out", nope, the victim will hear GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW AND CALL THE POLICE!
If the abuser later on attend one year of anger management classes,individual therapy for at least 6 months, then the abused person might seat and talk to the abuser. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE such as pain, stress. Domestic violence and abuse is just about the abuser to gain and maintain total control of the victims! it's about POWER AND CONTROL,that is it!
Each year 220.000 women are battered in this Country, around 3.000 women are murdered every year in the USA. I ask you and everyone here if you read ,heard or saw someone being abused please tell the person "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW"!, saying the right thing can save someone's life.
In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

Hey Boiler, that is why she came on this forum to ask if she has rights ? OP doesn't have idea about the "effects"... on the worst-case scenarios.
OP, I can feel your circumtances. Am not sure if your marriage is still workable, you are the one who knows it. Since you both are now married, I hope the two of you will try and try working out, not giving up that soon. Marriage should be a lifetime bond. A marriage has to be work out continuosly, it will never come to perfect though. By learning to accept each other especially in tough times will definitely make the relationship better.
HOWEVER,
Just in case it didn't really work out, then you should get ready yourself to come home. Make sure your husband files divorce to free you. As a good gesture, I hope your husband will get you a ticket to get home, if not, hopefully you could source out, maybe your aunt can help you.
With your situation now, I hope you don't allow yourself to get abuse knowing that you need him to get your GC. I have read stories here, wherein, bitter petitioners tried controlling the immigration benefits of the immigrants.
There are also beneficiaries who accused their petitioners of "abuse", thus filing for VAWA, even it isn't true, just a way to get the GC. You are the one who knows the truth and your cimcumtances.
The best thing if it didn't work out prior to obtaining GC is to come home. GC is nothing if you are not happy. Always respect and value yourself. A good husband should protect you, not make you feel neglect and miserable.
I hope this 2014 will give you light and hope. Pray to God for guidance and strength. You will be fine in the end. Happy new year !

I'm not condoning the behavior but I'm not going to go as far as some here and call the behavior a personality disorder or character flaw. The reality is that many extramarital affairs happen, probably a lot more than people want to believe. There's no telling what the circumstances were in this situation and while agree that whatever the circumstances, it doesn't change the reprocussions. But regardless of whether the marriage survives or not, she is and will continue to be the mother of his child and harboring any malcontent towards her is ultimately going to hurt his daughter. Maybe she felt mistreated in the marriage. Maybe there's domestic violence and she was looking for an escape. Who knows? My point is that it does no favors to the OP to question the character of the mother of his daughter because we've only heard one side of the story. If he's genuinely a kind and love father and husband, my condolences to him. Hopefully he'll get through the emotional turmoil by seeking counseling because sorting it out on a message board can never be good.

I think it's because he mentioned immigration in his original post. He later clarified that by saying he was just worried about being liable to support her until she becomes a citizen or abandons her greencard.

Yes, I had the same experience, but we didnt marry inspite we already have applied a marriage license. While I was in the US, I started to have some fears, based on what I was seeing or experiencing living with them. He cancelled by flights back home 3 times even I was already at the airport. Then finally on my 90th day I really had to go as I don't want to overstay. I really missed home. Like you, I too love him very much, but I realized I cannot be happy living with unstable environment / man.
I am grateful that I got back to my nice and stable job here in PI. We are still talking for friendship sake. He thought of filing k1 again, but I had to be firmed this time. It is not just getting to US and obtaining a GC. It is self-respect, values, love and happiness are more important to me. I dont want a roller coster relationship again. It was not easy leaving my family, job and all the comforts I have. But I did it for him, in the name of love. Now I have no regrets, no more "what if"..at least I tried my best. I am just thankful to God for the guidance and wisdom and the opportunity to see a little of America.
I wish you good luck this time. Take care and be happy !

Hello ! I do agree with most of the above observations and advices. These are very helpful comments. I am a Filipina and not offended with your thoughts. And I still believe that not majority of Filipino women are scammers. There are still many Pinays who have good intentions and have kind hearts and souls. Most of the stories of successful and loving Fil-Am marriages aren't posted here.
I also would like to say that the above observations could also be helpful to some beneficiaries, not just for the petitioners, regardless of country of origin. Scammers are everywhere. lol.
I also have seen some stories here at VJ that some petitioners have maltreated and taken for granted their beneficiaries when they arrive in the US. We always just hear one side of the story/ies.....so we cannot make a sound, rationale and fair judgement / conclusion.
However, just a little concern for beneficiaries.....
Beneficiaries should also ensure that your petitioners are demonstrating, not just saying, the kind of person he or she is, even before you arrive and stay in America.
Your petitioner should demonstrate commitment to love, care and support you in the US as you know it will take a little time for you to end up working and earning to be able to contribute to the household, especially if you are on K-1 route. It is imperative to discuss and agree this thing ahead, so when you reach in the US, you will not regret and start wondering and becoming bitter about your relationship, which might lead to misunderstanding, argument, anger, separation then divorce. In some instances, since you want to continue living in the US for some reasons, you will be misunderstood of committing "fraud" or being a "scammer" of GC. Some petitioners will really make it so hard for you to acquire legal residency -- once changes in relationship occur.
To stay safe, please know very well the background and character of your petitioner... COMMUNICATION is always the KEY.
I say this cos it is not easy to give up on everything especially if you have a good job, loving family and friends in your home country and will find out later that your petitioner is unkind, mean, not committed and worst of all -- abusive and manipulative in your immigration journey, as it is not wise and advisable to stay illegal in the US.
I've been there, learned my lessons well, and thanking so much God for bringing me back home safely without overtaying in the US. Just sharing to all beneficiaries with good hearts and intentions. Keep the faith. God bless and thanks !

Yes, I had the same experience, but we didnt marry inspite we already have applied a marriage license. While I was in the US, I started to have some fears, based on what I was seeing or experiencing living with them. He cancelled by flights back home 3 times even I was already at the airport. Then finally on my 90th day I really had to go as I don't want to overstay. I really missed home. Like you, I too love him very much, but I realized I cannot be happy living with unstable environment / man.
I am grateful that I got back to my nice and stable job here in PI. We are still talking for friendship sake. He thought of filing k1 again, but I had to be firmed this time. It is not just getting to US and obtaining a GC. It is self-respect, values, love and happiness are more important to me. I dont want a roller coster relationship again. It was not easy leaving my family, job and all the comforts I have. But I did it for him, in the name of love. Now I have no regrets, no more "what if"..at least I tried my best. I am just thankful to God for the guidance and wisdom and the opportunity to see a little of America.
I wish you good luck this time. Take care and be happy !

I say do both.
When the calendars match up in the fall semester,
you can ask your workplace for Friday-Saturday-Sunday routings only.
Before then? Work often !!!!
During School Breaks? Work Often !
I have many friends in Houston that did this, the airlines were great about scheduling. Heck, one of my friends did this for bachelors, masters and phD, she was ALWAYS gone for the weekend....