Finance and emotional abuse, seeking help

[dcjr2014 1]

Hello everyone, I am in a difficult situation. I am a GC holder with conditions. The US citizen and I got married back in october within 90 days of my arrival on a K1 visa.

For those who came in the same case will understand that we compromise a lot in order to be with the person we love. I left my friends, family, house and job behind to restart my life with the person I would be together forever.

But living together didnt workout. My partner didnt want to have sex with me, at all. But would have sex with others without a problem. I accepted that for a while, but I was not mean to live like that. We had many arguments about this matter and at some point I gave up.

Financially, I have never had a problem with clothes or food. Initially the only problem we had was the sex. After a couple of months trying to deal with this, I gave up and wanted a time for myself to figure out what would happen with us.

He said he wouldnt give me this time, he would divorce immediately, so I would have to leave the country. It happened before I got the temporary green card.

I loved him, and it was scary to hear how he was reacting. After speaking with his friends, he apologized and said he would say that again.

Moving forward, during an argument, he pushed me really strong, i gave 4 steps back to not fall. I scared me again, I cried and then said he would never touch me that way again or he would never see me again.

Another situation, with the progress of our relationship only going down hill, he would ask me to leave his house - we live in a city that is really expensive to find a place. The average price for a shared room is $1000. have your own room its around $1800 . Knowing that, he would threat me asking me to leave his house exactly because I would not have a place o go.


after this all, I still loved him.. the passion was over, but I still care about him. Until the day he broke up with me. I accepted that, and I was ready to move on with my life. But he is still trying to control my life since I still havent found a place to go. I am looking but the harassment keeps happening. He acts like we are still married and on going relationship, but asks me to sleep in the couch. Buy my own food while he buys his. He goes out without telling what he is going to do or lies about it. But I am required to give 100% of info about what I am going to do if I go out.

Now that we are going to divorce, I want to know what are my options to stay here in the US. I didnt want to make him any trouble. But I cant stay quiet anymore. Ive been holding on for too long. I wanna speak out about it but I am not sure if it is a good reason to apply for VAWA. I would love to have counseling about it. I dont wanna do anything wrong and Dont know whe I should seek for help.

I didnt share anything what was happening with my family in my country because they would feel too worry about me here. And also didnt share with friends because I was ashamed of going thru this here.

[Pitaya 2,576]

~Moved from ROC to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits Forum~

~Similar topics are often discussed at this forum~

[Kiv 32]

If you dont have a place to go you can go to a police station or a church, they may direct you to a shelter while you figure out how to get divorced. I dont think you need vawa, you already have a green card and you can remove conditions after your divorce.

[Sandra G. 5,009]

Considering what you posted here I don't see any abuse,but just an unhealthy relationship. You have the green card aleady then you cant file VAWA.You can divorce and submit form l751 waiver. There is the option for.extreme cruelty,but mental abuse is a pattern of degradation,humiliation,control,isolation etc, cheating is not considered abuse by USCIS,refusing to have sex is not considered abuse either,but forcing to have sex is sexual abuse.

People who suffered mental abuse they can't function properly,they are suffering major depression and/or post traumatic disorder.What you described is an unhealthy relationship,and living with a cheater. You should seek sonr counseling,because accepting your husband cheating on you is not normal at all. You said " I accepted because I love him" well you need to learn to love you more, to develop self esteem and self respect.Good luck.

[Norabloom 1]

Hi,

I totally understand you. though our situation is littl diffrent . my husband is extremely jealous, insecure and possesive,isolation , abuses who is afraid to let me do anything with out his presence. he didnt cheat on me I know we are so in love but love too has negativity . I gave myself, him and ourself lots of chance to the point where I felt like my purpose and very existence of me is gone. he never filed adjustmust status and i never insisit him because he threatens me that if i start working people will naturally get attracted to me and everybody wll get hands on me. we argue, harresment, manuplaiton, blame games are common. eventually it come to the point where i dont even fight back and do exactly as he says or expected. i am very well educated person, who knows whats right and wrong still this happened and i am sure education doesnt do anythinng as he is highly educated too still very insecure .

what i am trying to say is he doesnt grasp how much i gave up for us despite my communtiy , soceity and friends humilating me for being in love with diffrent race and i stood up for us because I am in love . i didnt do it so that i have to face hummilation and abuse from the very person i love. i can understand why he is being like that and he says i help him to be better person and i felt we could be good healthy family. but no it didnt happen.

i am away from him with the help of very helpful people, saw therapist and it come to the conclusion that i dont think i will ever dare to fall in love again and i still fear about what he might do to me . i cant go back to my communtiy because i am shame for them . whether i live with him or go back its loss for me. i lost my soul, my courage, confidence . love does that , it changed me comepletely. i hope people understand people who chose to make a stand and face the world to be with the one you love is a difficult and hard choice . i still wish him best .

now i am working on my independence, waiting for my work permit and i hope my vawa goes through. i learnt that you alone can help youurself. love is not everything in the world. i just had my biometrics and i dont know how long it will take for me to get work permit . i am living with a friend and i have only 200 dollar in me. hope everything works out. still i chose to stand up for my life . thznk you !1 i just want to share . hope it will familarize the situation with your own and you are not alone. thts what my therapist said. so do i .

Hello everyone, I am in a difficult situation. I am a GC holder with conditions. The US citizen and I got married back in october within 90 days of my arrival on a K1 visa.

For those who came in the same case will understand that we compromise a lot in order to be with the person we love. I left my friends, family, house and job behind to restart my life with the person I would be together forever.

But living together didnt workout. My partner didnt want to have sex with me, at all. But would have sex with others without a problem. I accepted that for a while, but I was not mean to live like that. We had many arguments about this matter and at some point I gave up.

Financially, I have never had a problem with clothes or food. Initially the only problem we had was the sex. After a couple of months trying to deal with this, I gave up and wanted a time for myself to figure out what would happen with us.

He said he wouldnt give me this time, he would divorce immediately, so I would have to leave the country. It happened before I got the temporary green card.

I loved him, and it was scary to hear how he was reacting. After speaking with his friends, he apologized and said he would say that again.

Moving forward, during an argument, he pushed me really strong, i gave 4 steps back to not fall. I scared me again, I cried and then said he would never touch me that way again or he would never see me again.

Another situation, with the progress of our relationship only going down hill, he would ask me to leave his house - we live in a city that is really expensive to find a place. The average price for a shared room is $1000. have your own room its around $1800 . Knowing that, he would threat me asking me to leave his house exactly because I would not have a place o go.


after this all, I still loved him.. the passion was over, but I still care about him. Until the day he broke up with me. I accepted that, and I was ready to move on with my life. But he is still trying to control my life since I still havent found a place to go. I am looking but the harassment keeps happening. He acts like we are still married and on going relationship, but asks me to sleep in the couch. Buy my own food while he buys his. He goes out without telling what he is going to do or lies about it. But I am required to give 100% of info about what I am going to do if I go out.

Now that we are going to divorce, I want to know what are my options to stay here in the US. I didnt want to make him any trouble. But I cant stay quiet anymore. Ive been holding on for too long. I wanna speak out about it but I am not sure if it is a good reason to apply for VAWA. I would love to have counseling about it. I dont wanna do anything wrong and Dont know whe I should seek for help.

I didnt share anything what was happening with my family in my country because they would feel too worry about me here. And also didnt share with friends because I was ashamed of going thru this here.

[tuckin14 58]

Addressing solely the immigration issues:

As a conditional GC holder, you must file to remove conditions. The evidenciary test is whether you had a good faith intention to establish a bona fide marital relationship. USCIS will look at things like whether you lived together, comingled finances, shared experiences like friends and family, traveled together, etc.

Should your relationship break down, the only question is whether you (not your spouse) intended, at the time of marriage, to actually create a married life together.

Procedurally, you have to either:

a) File for removal of conditions as a married couple, which requires your spouse's signature; or

b) File with a divorce waiver - "divorce" is liberally construed by USCIS to include legally separated or a divorce action is pending; or

c) File with an abuse waiver, meaning that you have been subjected to physical or emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is somewhat narrowly construed. A spouse denying sex, or even cheating, arguing, cutting you out of their life, is not emotional abuse. Emotional abuse would be things like refusing to let you leave the house, cutting off contact with friends and family, trafficking you.

In any case, you still have to show that you intended to have a real married life.

USCIS values substance over form. In practice, they frequently have to go on instinct and belief. They do not have a rule like you get 10 points for every month you lived together and 5 points for every joint bank account. If the paper evidence of a bona fide marriage is strong enough, they will grant ROC. If it is not, they will just to on whether they believe you or not. If you only lived together for 2 months and never had a joint bank account, but they believe you really tried and wanted to be married, they will approve and no one will go to court to challenge that (nor can they). If you have the same paper trail but they feel the marriage was a sham, they will deny and no immigration judge will rule that they "abused discretion" by denying ROC to an applicant with so little proof of marital bona fides.

[Villanelle 4,121]

tuckin- I thought your post today was terrific. Very easy to read, contained just enough information to understand with out being overwhelming and was a really nice overview.

So- for the OP

taking into to consideration what both Sandra and Tuckin posted- to remain in the US, you need to remove conditions on your card. As you can see, your only (and by only, its the best most realistic option for you) your only option at this point is to remove them on your own with the divorce tick box checked on the form.

There are plenty of threads detailing how to do that and more information on that topic. If you need specific help with that process- please post asking for it and someone will answer your questions.

-

As for your personal situation... A lot of people seem to some how learn the word "VAWA" in their vocabulary. Im not sure where they pick this word up. Because technically its not a word. Its an abbreviation for a law, and in regards to immigration its sort of slang for a variety of forms one can fill out for benefits.

But somehow its become so twisted and misused that you find people saying things like I need VAWA ? When what they really mean is they need some sort of crisis or emergency help. Whether its Domestic violence, housing, food, shelter, counseling, etc. Its not always the packet of forms for immigration.

Hence the response back you get is No you dont need VAWA (the forms). But Yes, you do need Help.

In almost all of the US you can call 2 1 1 for assistance. Its just like 4 1 1 (information) except the operators only have human service information. They can put you in contact with places that can assist you. Since you mention you are in an urban area with high rent I am assuming the number will work for you.

You can call it or use it online at http://www.211.org/

I would start there to search out resources for aid. As mentioned you are in an unhealthy situation- while it doesnt meet the requirements to file removal of conditions under the abuse waiver for USCIS, it does not mean its not unhealthy and you should remain.

[InHisTime 110]

Hi,

I totally understand you. though our situation is littl diffrent . my husband is extremely jealous, insecure and possesive,isolation , abuses who is afraid to let me do anything with out his presence. he didnt cheat on me I know we are so in love but love too has negativity . I gave myself, him and ourself lots of chance to the point where I felt like my purpose and very existence of me is gone. he never filed adjustmust status and i never insisit him because he threatens me that if i start working people will naturally get attracted to me and everybody wll get hands on me. we argue, harresment, manuplaiton, blame games are common. eventually it come to the point where i dont even fight back and do exactly as he says or expected. i am very well educated person, who knows whats right and wrong still this happened and i am sure education doesnt do anythinng as he is highly educated too still very insecure .

what i am trying to say is he doesnt grasp how much i gave up for us despite my communtiy , soceity and friends humilating me for being in love with diffrent race and i stood up for us because I am in love . i didnt do it so that i have to face hummilation and abuse from the very person i love. i can understand why he is being like that and he says i help him to be better person and i felt we could be good healthy family. but no it didnt happen.

i am away from him with the help of very helpful people, saw therapist and it come to the conclusion that i dont think i will ever dare to fall in love again and i still fear about what he might do to me . i cant go back to my communtiy because i am shame for them . whether i live with him or go back its loss for me. i lost my soul, my courage, confidence . love does that , it changed me comepletely. i hope people understand people who chose to make a stand and face the world to be with the one you love is a difficult and hard choice . i still wish him best .

now i am working on my independence, waiting for my work permit and i hope my vawa goes through. i learnt that you alone can help youurself. love is not everything in the world. i just had my biometrics and i dont know how long it will take for me to get work permit . i am living with a friend and i have only 200 dollar in me. hope everything works out. still i chose to stand up for my life . thznk you !1 i just want to share . hope it will familarize the situation with your own and you are not alone. thts what my therapist said. so do i .

Hello ! I read the original post, and of course "norabloom" post. It is really sad that women, and even men have to undergo these kind of feelings after all in the name of love. Love should be the greatest of all feelings. With that said, I hope everyone, including me, could learn lessons from these experiences. But then let me remind everyone that It is not about our failures in love, it is more about on how we stand firm and overcome failures into success. First, let us learn to love and respect more of ourselves to avoid manipulations and deceits. Let us be careful of our hearts by knowing well first the person we are about to fall in love. In short, start with good friendship first... no rush ! By then maybe you will know if it is meant to be or not.

I hope this helps a little. I also hope that the original poster will be able to work out on her immigration status, if not, give it sometime to go back home and start life all over again. Life is unfair sometimes, but I believe it can't be unfair all times. Keep the faith and hope in you....love will come again maybe in God's name. Good luck !

[Norabloom 1]

Hello ! I read the original post, and of course "norabloom" post. It is really sad that women, and even men have to undergo these kind of feelings after all in the name of love. Love should be the greatest of all feelings. With that said, I hope everyone, including me, could learn lessons from these experiences. But then let me remind everyone that It is not about our failures in love, it is more about on how we stand firm and overcome failures into success. First, let us learn to love and respect more of ourselves to avoid manipulations and deceits. Let us be careful of our hearts by knowing well first the person we are about to fall in love. In short, start with good friendship first... no rush ! By then maybe you will know if it is meant to be or not.

I hope this helps a little. I also hope that the original poster will be able to work out on her immigration status, if not, give it sometime to go back home and start life all over again. Life is unfair sometimes, but I believe it can't be unfair all times. Keep the faith and hope in you....love will come again maybe in God's name. Good luck !

Hi,

Yes, hope we all stand tall more than ever. Thank you so much. yes!! lets start focussing on ourself and the very essence of your own. so that we will be healthier and attract healthy person. still being hopful though I don't think i can fall in love to that point.

[kkk1 42]

Hi,

I totally understand you. though our situation is littl diffrent . my husband is extremely jealous, insecure and possesive,isolation , abuses who is afraid to let me do anything with out his presence. he didnt cheat on me I know we are so in love but love too has negativity . I gave myself, him and ourself lots of chance to the point where I felt like my purpose and very existence of me is gone. he never filed adjustmust status and i never insisit him because he threatens me that if i start working people will naturally get attracted to me and everybody wll get hands on me. we argue, harresment, manuplaiton, blame games are common. eventually it come to the point where i dont even fight back and do exactly as he says or expected. i am very well educated person, who knows whats right and wrong still this happened and i am sure education doesnt do anythinng as he is highly educated too still very insecure .

what i am trying to say is he doesnt grasp how much i gave up for us despite my communtiy , soceity and friends humilating me for being in love with diffrent race and i stood up for us because I am in love . i didnt do it so that i have to face hummilation and abuse from the very person i love. i can understand why he is being like that and he says i help him to be better person and i felt we could be good healthy family. but no it didnt happen.

i am away from him with the help of very helpful people, saw therapist and it come to the conclusion that i dont think i will ever dare to fall in love again and i still fear about what he might do to me . i cant go back to my communtiy because i am shame for them . whether i live with him or go back its loss for me. i lost my soul, my courage, confidence . love does that , it changed me comepletely. i hope people understand people who chose to make a stand and face the world to be with the one you love is a difficult and hard choice . i still wish him best .

now i am working on my independence, waiting for my work permit and i hope my vawa goes through. i learnt that you alone can help youurself. love is not everything in the world. i just had my biometrics and i dont know how long it will take for me to get work permit . i am living with a friend and i have only 200 dollar in me. hope everything works out. still i chose to stand up for my life . thznk you !1 i just want to share . hope it will familarize the situation with your own and you are not alone. thts what my therapist said. so do i .

I am very sorry for condition. I just arrived on 10 year Green Card. I found a lot about my spouse. It is very disturbing but we need to live our lives and I am still dreaming for good life. I am in horrible situation and I am living in motel after I arrived. Still looking for place to live.