changing mind about visa for husband

[bhajishah 4]

??? What did they do for "festival" and sick family memebers before. This is his family problem, not new wife inanother country. Tell him you need a real grown ### man husband, not a pet. Husband should make your life easier not hardship.

[Sameh and Keri 0]

Dont know about other countries but since I live in Egypt and we married March 2005, and for only love. He did not care whether we lived here or there. Egyptians do marry quickly. Most of them dont play around with too much dating. I've known a couple that got engaged after 1 month. Another couple married after 1 yr. If you are talking about Egypt, which is a poor country, then yes, it is common. I understand where you are coming from. There are alot of people not to be trusted no matter what country they live in. I have gotten alot of invites from men in Egypt and I even told them that Im very happily married and pregnant and they still wouldnt leave me alone. They said, "We can still be friends." I mean, why would men in Egypt want to be stranger/friends with someone else's wife?

I cant tell you to quit everything, I would just tell you what I would do if I were in your position. Seeing that your career is the most important thing in your life, and the employer takes good care of you and you have a large 401k going on, and loosing your place in this job is what scares you, then dont leave your job.

I say to put that first only because in my opinion, new couples that are 10 year age difference especially if the woman is 10yrs older, would have to take ALOT of love, trust and understanding in order to make it last a lifetime. If you feel comfortable living in this country for the rest of your life, give up your job, ready to sell everything you've got, and love each other very much, then go for it. Good luck on your decisions. I hope you get better responses than what I gave you. Best wishes ~Keri

Edited November 10, 2007 by Sameh and Keri

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I gather your spouse could be from africa or asia....it is odd for him to want to adpot!

Hey, let's not make generalizations here. My husband is from Africa and is very comfortable with and embraces the idea of adopting. It's something we both want to do!

[moon1968 0]

Hi,

I understand how you are feeling. I do agree with people here that maybe you did enter into this marrige sooner then what you should have.....However, You did marry him.... YOu must have had some feelings of love for him.......I can see where you would be scared and nervous....we all are......all of us that are on this journey for a visa have had at one time or another the same thoughts as you .....You are normal....And its ok for you to be questioning and having the feelings you are.....The answers are all up to you......no one here knows the details of your situation. Just trust your heart to know what to do.....If you are seeing warning signs now then confront him ask him about it.....Talk to him.....Communicate with him.....Tell him your fears......tell him you are afraied that once he gets here he will leave you....see what his reaction is.........It is your Husband you should be talking to and being honest with.....If you tuely love him the way a wife loves her husband then no matter how scared you might be to tell him ......as your husband he has a right to know.........If he loves you the why a husband loves his wife then he will find a way to calm your fears.....To make you feel like you can trust him......He will put all that to rest.... I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you and him.....

[ELW 5]

I really feel for you kapakahi. This is a HUGE life-changing decision for you. When I have difficult decisions to make, I sit quietly for a long time and imagine life as it would be if I do one thing or the other. Go through all the possibilities in your mind, and see how your heart reacts. If you go ahead with the visa and he comes here and you life happily ever after, or if he leaves, or if you go there to live, or if you just delay for a long time, or if you don't file for visa at all. How do you feel in each situation? How do you see your future with or without him? Which risks are worth possible failure and which are not? There is no guarantee in marriage - people see each other for only a week before getting married and happily stay together forever; and others know each other for years but get divorced after awhile. Life is for LIVING, learning, growing, and getting stronger though all the happy and crummy experiences.

I faced a lot of the same things as you, I had doubts too because my husband would ask for money, not help with the visa paperwork, etc. I decided that in my own situation, I had to go for it, even if it didn't work out, at least I had grabbed an opportunity for happiness instead of continuing in my own boring, alone existence. However our situation was different, I knew him for years before we got married. I accepted his cultural quirks, was willing to adjust, and knew that with more life experiences, he would slowly understand my situation more. He does not express himself so much (not part of the culture!) but I am happily surprised to see how committed and helpful he is. He's really opening up in a way he never did in his country.

All our prayers are with you and we'll be around to support in whatever you decide!

[2pac... 0]

If anyone has good or bad stories of marrying thier spouse, especially North African/Middle East men, I have a forum, so tell your story. If your story is bad, we can be a warning for other,s so they won't lose their money or their hearts, and if you have a good one, than tell us about him. IM me if you want to join, anyone is welcome.

http://greencardgurls.forumcab.com/viewfor...b4f2fe1a2801642

[*JG* 2]

Thanks for your take on our situation - I just wanted to add that my returement account is an annuity(TIAA-CREF) not a 401-K so I can take out a loan on it which I have to pay back at 5% interest - there is no tax penalty I think, at least according to my boss...

That is a good thing as far as the tax penalty goes. But, do you want to borrow money, even from yourself? Isnt' that just adding fuel to your already increasing fire?

I know this one. Really, I do. In retrospect, if there had been any other way, I wish I had taken it. Life is financially unstable now and it's absolutely no picnic. I love my husband and would do it all over again if I had to; but, I do wish things were financially easier now.

That hole you are currently digging will get even deeper even when he gets here, before it stops.

[bora bora 1]

For the OP, I hope that you're able to make the best decision for yourself.

I also wanted to say that I agree with Jomo's Girl:

The problem with the working your butt off part is that it is usually not possible in the 3rd world countries.

My husband worked hard in Brasil, but works even harder here because it pays off SO MUCH MORE. No matter how hard he worked - at a full-time job in an office or factory - he'd barely make more than $150/month.

That is very frustrating to many people - especially men.

[sakurasama 0]

One caveat about moving to his country. If he lives in a developing country, you may make a comfortable living there but it may not be 125% of the poverty limit that you will need to sponsor your husband when you decide to come back. An additional sponsor might be required.

[kapakahi 0]

That is a good thing as far as the tax penalty goes. But, do you want to borrow money, even from yourself? Isnt' that just adding fuel to your already increasing fire?

I know this one. Really, I do. In retrospect, if there had been any other way, I wish I had taken it. Life is financially unstable now and it's absolutely no picnic. I love my husband and would do it all over again if I had to; but, I do wish things were financially easier now.

That hole you are currently digging will get even deeper even when he gets here, before it stops.

If it is the only way I can get enough money to put down for an apartment, then I will have to do it, otherwise we will be in the street... Since I filed for bankruptcy in '01 and I have no cosigner I may need to put up a few months' rent in addition to first, last, deposit... 5% interest is better than the rates on most credit card I would qualify for. My roommate has said we can stay with him for a few weeks or months until we get our feet on the ground but it will be very tight - it will be three adults in a small 1-bedroom, 1 bath apartment. The bedroom door does not lock or close properly(it is a prewar building with funky doorknobs/locks) so there will be no privacy unless my roommate is away... I just don't know what else to do...

Edited November 28, 2007 by kapakahi

[kapakahi 0]

One caveat about moving to his country. If he lives in a developing country, you may make a comfortable living there but it may not be 125% of the poverty limit that you will need to sponsor your husband when you decide to come back. An additional sponsor might be required.

I was just musing about that the other day, wondering how that might work. On second thought it might not be feasible. I doubt that my mom would co-sponsor if she is not even willing to cosign on an apartment for me. If we go the DCF route and he gets the visa in his country, how long would I have to come back, reestablish myself, get a job before his visa expires? Does DCF only work if you have a trust fund or something like that back in the US?

I would probably only be able to make maximum $400/month in his country(probably lower) so this is a problem.

Edited November 28, 2007 by kapakahi

[trailmix 77]

One caveat about moving to his country. If he lives in a developing country, you may make a comfortable living there but it may not be 125% of the poverty limit that you will need to sponsor your husband when you decide to come back. An additional sponsor might be required.

I was just musing about that the other day, wondering how that might work. On second thought it might not be feasible. I doubt that my mom would co-sponsor if she is not even willing to cosign on an apartment for me. If we go the DCF route and he gets the visa in his country, how long would I have to come back, reestablish myself, get a job before his visa expires? Does DCF only work if you have a trust fund or something like that back in the US?

I would probably only be able to make maximum $400/month in his country(probably lower) so this is a problem.

The 'foreign income' can't be used for the affidavit of support. So your only alternatives are co-sponsor or assets (because you are sponsoring your Husband it would have to be 3 x 125% poverty guideline amount in assets of Cash or assets that can be converted in to cash within 1 year with no hardship to the sponsor).

[ELW 5]

Yes I wonder how DCF people do it, especially those from Asian countries. They would need an able sponsor and means to get by, after returning to USA!

ManuNSam (Delhi) did DCF, they were in AP but finally got the visa in March of this year, but no word from them since April. I wonder where they are, they didn't answer a PM I wrote.

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

I wish I could take a leave of absence but I don't think that's possible.

You can take a leave of absence from this relationship to take a look at what is going on and see if you can deal with it when he arrives. Seems you are having a hard time now, and this will only multiply upon hubby's arrival. He won't miraculously find a great paying job quickly here either, and the financial hurdles may continue. Have you discussed his attitude with him? It seems if he can just ask for money so easily, knowing you are going through hardships to prepare for his arrival, he may continue to think this way when he comes.

I understand your concern about not being a GC girl, but even if that is not the case, you should try to evaluate his lax attitude toward finances.

Maybe since you are older than him, you have automatically taken on the "presumed" responsibility of finances, and he senses this cause he's younger.

This bothers you so much, yet you say you wouldn't bail despite your doubts. Then maybe it is time for a "time-out" to see if his intentions are real, how he'll react to a temporary "leave of absence"?

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

[SusieK 3]

Wow alot there to sort through - emotions, financial and life in general.

You may want to take some time to rethink what exactly you want from life, for the clue to me is that you posted the story for feedback. That itself is an admittance of doubt somewhere, so even tho my hubbie is so damn supportive - god what an angel - it could happen to anyone.

Try to sit back and sort this thing out, the festival money, ummmm.......understand culture but he must try to understand your culture also. Its a give and take thing on marriage and if he is aware of your financial situation then he should have tried to ease out of that one and I am thinking his family would know of his financial woes. yes????

Your decision is solely your own, no words of people from a forum are going to change your final decision, but let me say this......tell him you will go there for a year to give the marriage a good shot and if you feel that at the end of that year it will then go for it. Sounds like you can come back to the states and get another job (at least above the guidelines) and start your application. But at least you can ease your fears if you go, he accepts that and you both try to work this out.

Otherwise you will be filled with these doubts for a long time to come and that is not a good start especially with the visa journey you are about to undertake. Its a tough road, financial and emotional and you will need some support from him with one or the other, hopefully both.

Just my two pence worth but I do wish you the very best of luck in whatever road your journey takes you......

Cheers

Susie

p./s as my hubbie says,,,, most people take the road marked freeway or expressway, I always take the road that says "under construction" - life is a meant to be a thrill, just be prepared to pay for that ride in one way or the other.