changing mind about visa for husband

[kapakahi 0]

Sorry I wasn't really clear on the festival expense - it was not for my hubby to go party and so on, it was for a gift for him to give his grandparents from us as a newlywed couple at this particular time of year which is a tradition in his country - since I could not be there in person I did not want to be stingy in this regard.

My So comes from a poor country in Africa. It is very very hard to find work there and for many, you have to have money in order to find work. Which is a vicious circle. But I guess your post struck me for a couple of reasons. My SO had contract work and he had quit because they sent him all over Africa to work on a moments notice. That wasn't conducive to this process obviously and he's looking for something in Ghana that is more stable. It's been about a year, so I think he's near if not already has, exhausted his savings from his last job. He never asks me for money. I've asked him a few times how he's doing with money and he always says, I'll manage baby. Culturally, for him to ask his "wife" for money is embarassing and I don't think he'd ever do it. I ask him questions about what he ate and stuff like that and I think that he would go to one of his brothers for help with money or something he needs rather than ask me. Because he sees his role as the provider. I realize that if something happened and I felt I really wanted to send him money, I could send money via western union or however people do it, and then he'd have no choice cause it's already done. (He's stubborn as a mule, so I might have to coerce but whatever) I would however, say this.....Bassi and I talk about money often just so he hears the numbers. My $1000 mortgage is absurd to him. It has no real value in a country where people make $100 a month. But I think that the more he hears the numbers the closer he can get to the reality when he's here of trying to understand our monetary system and the costs of things here. So many of the men on the Africa-Sub-Saharan board are going through a similar situation and they struggle desparately with feeling like less than a man because they aren't working. There has to be a balance in what you expect from your husband and his ability to understand our system and what he is asking you to do. Asking your for money to go to a festival is frivolous to me. If my fiance's mother say (God protect her) were sick and he couldn't get money anywhere for the hospital stay, I would hope he would ask me. But his pride and self respect would not allow him to ask me for money to party or play. So, maybe you need to be having a serious conversation with your husband because money issues is one of the leading causes of divorce in this country. So even if he isn't trying to scam you for a GC you could end up on the same path.

I would also add, that when I said to my SO, Fine, I'll come live in Ghana. He asked me when he should pick me up at the airport! Moving there would happen soooooo much faster than moving here, and he wants to be with me, married to me, living life with me.......the where we can work out however. And it would not be "easy" for me to find work there, because I"m a public administrator here. Are you sure your husband wouldn't be okay with you moving there and living there for a while? I find it odd, that he's so married to the idea of being in the US. Maybe you're misreading his intent and he'd be happy for you to move there.

[caybee 21]

To his credit, under the current circumstances I am fairly comfortable financially - it is not like I am living on ramen noodles - we even tell each other what we ate every day when we IM because he knows I love the food from his country, especially if his mom made it. Since I have been living with a roommate in a rent controlled apartment I have been able to travel to his country 3 times in the last few years. Eating mostly homemade veg food and using public transit helps to save, as long as I am not also paying market rent. However, if we get our own market rate apartment as long as he is not working it will be an additional at least $7-900 per month expense on my part(additional rent/food/transit pass/health insurance) and I only bring home $2K monthly. God help us if there is any emergency in that time because there will be no extra and I am not accustomed to living that close to the edge financially. It will be stressful on top of all the other adjustment issues. I am trying to save in anticipation for that and that is what he doesn't understand. Yes I can afford to send it to him without a huge sacrifice on my part *now*, but it is the expectation that bothers me as well as the fact that he is not aware of how much things will cost when he comes and I have to pay for everything. At the moment I am fairly flush so I think that is why he feels no shame in asking.

This may sound stereotypical but some cultures are not as forward-thinking as others and have a more 'live now' attitude and I am wondering if this may be part of the problem - just trying to give him as much credit as I can since I do love him, do want a future with him and do want it to work out - bailing out is not an option for me at this point.

I do think this is true to a certain extent. For example, my husband's family has no mortgage, no rent. They have built and expanded their home with their own hands over a period of years. They have some health insurance, but if someone in his country does not have it, there is free healthcare, even though that system is overburdened. And most of all, the family members routinely lean on each other financially. That communal attitude about money is pretty strong. Life there is expensive, but they don't have the sheer number of monthly expenses that we have here. I do think that as much as I discussed the financials with my husband before he arrived, there was no way he could really "get it" until he came here and experienced it himself. And there were times before he came when I felt like he didn't understand exactly what burdens I was feeling on this side of the ocean. That's because he didn't understand. He couldn't understand. But he sure gets it now, and in our case, he has jumped in and carried that burden right beside me. Since you and your husband are already married, it may feel very normal to him to discuss money with you the way he has done, the same way he might ask a family member there to help out, and if he doesn't see you as financially strapped and struggling, he may just not be able to see what you are seeing since he has no frame of reference.

The bottom line is you are uncomfortable enough about the situation to be writing anonymously about it. You've mentioned that you feel like you don't really know him. That's the thing. The same request might not set off those warning bells for you if you really, really knew him well. If it worries you this much, that's significant, regardless of what your husband's true intentions are, and at the very least, you need to have a good discussion about this (or better, a series of them) with your husband. It would be wonderful, as others have suggested, if you could just get away and live with him in his country for a while. It might halt your career for a time, but if it gave you a clear answer about your marital issues, perhaps it would be worth that sacrifice. You're the only one who can answer that because you know your job prospects better than anyone here. But I do agree that as long as you are feeling this much worry, it isn't time to file for that visa. You aren't under a filing deadline as far as the government is concerned. Could you at least make another visit or two, even a short one, and maybe talk to a neutral party, perhaps a counselor, who can look past stereotypes and help you better identify what you are dealing with? There are sure to be many things you haven't shared here, so nobody here is in a position to advise anything except to postpone petitioning for his visa until you are more settled inside.

Best wishes.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Wishing you the best in whatever you decide.

Jackie

[*JG* 2]

I wouldn't really call it a "live now attitude". In Jamaica, I would call it survival.

Like the Ghana gal said, making $100 a month is pretty standard in some countries. When you add in their family they are helping support, saving is pretty much non-existant.

He may have that living in the US attitude because that is how many foreigners feel. They see "America" on the tv and in movies and sometimes even just watching tourists throw money around their countries and they think it is so much easier living in the US. It is a harsh reality sometimes when they get here and find out we work really hard for what we have and some of us only get to relax when we are on those vacations. I know my own husband has had a time getting over some of the stereotypes he had in his mind before he came. And, we know we will never get those out of the heads of any friends or family we left behind. So, his living in the US attitude may be because he feels a bit helpless and thinks once he gets to the US he will get that great job and be able to support not only his wife; but also his family he left behind.

Edited November 7, 2007 by Jomo's girl

[onwa 6]

The only real problem here is not knowing if he is scamming you are not. Its not a big deal to "be the husband" if its just for a short bit. Or even forever. I don't really care who earns more in the family, as long as we are both happy in our jobs. For the record, after only being here just over 2 years, my husband earns more than me and we bought a beautiful house together. It was difficult financially until he got his Work Permit. But it was so worth it.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Sorry I wasn't really clear on the festival expense - it was not for my hubby to go party and so on, it was for a gift for him to give his grandparents from us as a newlywed couple at this particular time of year which is a tradition in his country - since I could not be there in person I did not want to be stingy in this regard.

My So comes from a poor country in Africa. It is very very hard to find work there and for many, you have to have money in order to find work. Which is a vicious circle. But I guess your post struck me for a couple of reasons. My SO had contract work and he had quit because they sent him all over Africa to work on a moments notice. That wasn't conducive to this process obviously and he's looking for something in Ghana that is more stable. It's been about a year, so I think he's near if not already has, exhausted his savings from his last job. He never asks me for money. I've asked him a few times how he's doing with money and he always says, I'll manage baby. Culturally, for him to ask his "wife" for money is embarassing and I don't think he'd ever do it. I ask him questions about what he ate and stuff like that and I think that he would go to one of his brothers for help with money or something he needs rather than ask me. Because he sees his role as the provider. I realize that if something happened and I felt I really wanted to send him money, I could send money via western union or however people do it, and then he'd have no choice cause it's already done. (He's stubborn as a mule, so I might have to coerce but whatever) I would however, say this.....Bassi and I talk about money often just so he hears the numbers. My $1000 mortgage is absurd to him. It has no real value in a country where people make $100 a month. But I think that the more he hears the numbers the closer he can get to the reality when he's here of trying to understand our monetary system and the costs of things here. So many of the men on the Africa-Sub-Saharan board are going through a similar situation and they struggle desparately with feeling like less than a man because they aren't working. There has to be a balance in what you expect from your husband and his ability to understand our system and what he is asking you to do. Asking your for money to go to a festival is frivolous to me. If my fiance's mother say (God protect her) were sick and he couldn't get money anywhere for the hospital stay, I would hope he would ask me. But his pride and self respect would not allow him to ask me for money to party or play. So, maybe you need to be having a serious conversation with your husband because money issues is one of the leading causes of divorce in this country. So even if he isn't trying to scam you for a GC you could end up on the same path.

I would also add, that when I said to my SO, Fine, I'll come live in Ghana. He asked me when he should pick me up at the airport! Moving there would happen soooooo much faster than moving here, and he wants to be with me, married to me, living life with me.......the where we can work out however. And it would not be "easy" for me to find work there, because I"m a public administrator here. Are you sure your husband wouldn't be okay with you moving there and living there for a while? I find it odd, that he's so married to the idea of being in the US. Maybe you're misreading his intent and he'd be happy for you to move there.

Has the husband intimated that he has wishes that his name is added as beneficiary on any annuities, savings accounts or property that you own outright?

[Imua 0]

Edited November 7, 2007 by Pattu Rani

[Jasman0717 8]

If you aren't sure you might want to stop and re-evaluate everything

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Wishing you much strength and courage during this time.

[JenT 0]

Just a thought here: The adjustment period is difficult enough.... it would be exponentially so if you were constantly questioning his motives once he arrived.

Jen

[caybee 21]

Just a thought here: The adjustment period is difficult enough.... it would be exponentially so if you were constantly questioning his motives once he arrived.

Jen

Well said.

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

Jomo's girl

I know it is out of topic. But I can't stop telling you now, that everytime I see your wedding photo here I am thinking What a beatyful looking couple.

I wish we had that kind of photo taken

Anette

Awww....thank you. Funny thing is, that is staged. Our actual wedding was just a formality, small, in our living room. We have every intention of going back to Jamaica and renewing our vows with the whole big shin dig. Life just took over and we haven't made it back yet. I made those flowers in the picture.

And, someone from the VJ St. Louis dinner last weekend actually told me the picture did not do me justice. I'm pretty sure she was just drunk when she said that!

Omg I love you to be so honest about everything. But I do like your photo still. Your husband is awesome good looking Still even the photo is fake your are both still good looking. I wonder if I can put in the photo here that I want so much for you to see LOL

[Ban Hammer 12,861]

Omg I love you to be so honest about everything. But I do like your photo still. Your husband is awesome good looking Still even the photo is fake your are both still good looking. I wonder if I can put in the photo here that I want so much for you to see LOL

huh?

[Eagleeye 1]

I have been posting regularly under another username but feel the need to vent anonymously.

I have been getting ready to file for CR-1/K-3 visa for my husband - we married in his (poor)country in June but I have been delaying filing because I have plenty of doubts. I think we married too soon for me to undertake something like the visa process which will disrupt my life(USC) perhaps even more than his - I wish I could have spent more time with him in his country, possibly even years, seeing what I alone will have to do to make a life for us here... I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this.

I live in a very expensive metro area and really cannot afford even a studio on my salary - it is enough for the Affadavit of Support(a little over $40K) but not to live comfortably here without an additional income. To save on expenses I have been sharing a 1-bedroom apt. with a roommate. I envy those of you lliving in modest areas who have a nice cozy nest, only your SO is missing... I honestly wish it were that simple for me. It would be hard for me to move because I am in a hard-to-get-work field and do not drive so need to live in a major metro with decent transit and that means $$$ rent. In order to rent an apt. I will need to save up or borrow from my retirement account maybe $3-6K(depending on how many months' rent I will need to offer up front because of my sucky credit and if I have to go through a broker), that is if I am lucky to find a place for $1k/month that doesn't have 10 people with stellar credit ahead of me in line. Then there are the expenses for furniture, etc. My parents have not offered to help me even one bit, even to cosign on a lease. So in addition to visa fees, his airfare(about $1400), etc. I will need to pay that and he cannot contribute anything. So until he can find work I will be seriously overextended and if he gets K-3 then how long until he gets EAD/GC?

So all of this is weighing very heavily on my mind...I was thinking about how am I going to get the visa app fees together and then he asks me yesterday if I can send money because one of his family members is sick - I just sent him money for a festival 2 weeks ago and now he is asking me again. I am older than he is by more than 10 years and all of this is bringing up so many doubts... I am feeling like the stereotypical desperate old USC who is being taken for a ride and then he will leave me as soon as he gets GC... I am ready to say to hell with the visa, if you really want to be with me then we will live in your country even if your job opportunities are not as good... but deep inside I am feeling like he married me only so he can make money overseas to help his family, hopefully this is only partially the reason and not the whole reason... About children he says we can adopt, even though he is the only son in the family - I feel like in his culture this is very odd even though he says adoption is becoming more and more accepted. He may be genuine but only time will tell - I do love him and want to believe but it hurt me so much when he asked me for money twice in such a short time span - it just sounds so much like some of the scammer stories I have read. I did not send it to him a second time.

I would move to his country in a heartbeat - I traveled there several times before I met him and know it very well, speak some of his language and had people interested in interviewing me for teaching positions. He says 'we will move back after living in USA' but I am thinking it would be so much cheaper to move there and not to have to deal with low salaries/high rents here. Also I should not be saying this about my own husband but I feel like I want to test him and make sure he is not with me only for the "2 year plan', after me going through so much hell to bring him here and to make a nice life for the both of us. My biggest fear is that by doing so I will kill any chances to work in my career if/when we come back to the US.

Any thoughts? I know, I should have waited longer to marry, but it is normal in his culture to marry quickly.

[Eagleeye 1]

You should ask yourself why you got married to him in the first place.If it was out of the fear of being lonley then am sorry but you are laying on the bed you made,however you still have control of your future.

The visajourney is one too stressful to enter with the mindset you have now.Didnt you know this man before you married him? how come you are just realizing he is from a "poor" country.

I think you should weigh your priorities and do what you feel is best.It is never to early to correct a mistake.I gather your spouse could be from africa or asia....it is odd for him to want to adpot!

I wish you the best of choices.

Good luck!