Wife has not slept in same bed since arrival 2 years ago, need male and female opinions.

[Ischnura 285]

38 minutes ago, Chris Duffy said:

If she was on 2 year GC, she can bail and adjust without him anyways.

 

 

Cyclone mentioned immediately after I posted what you're commenting on that she's on a 10 year. I can't edit the post so it's stuck there. Though I did post beneath Cyclone stating as such. 

Edited February 5, 2018 by Ischnura

[stedye 11]

Boiler it would be virtually impossible. She has made friends with a couple of older ladies at work. When she 1st came I assisted her in getting the job because I worked there part time. She was full time upon hiring, but , she left to go home for over 3 months, when she returned she lost full time status. She does get health insurance through WM  which I pay for her . 

[Ischnura 285]

1 minute ago, stedye said:

Boiler it would be virtually impossible. She has made friends with a couple of older ladies at work. When she 1st came I assisted her in getting the job because I worked there part time. She was full time upon hiring, but , she left to go home for over 3 months, when she returned she lost full time status. She does get health insurance through WM  which I pay for her . 

 Sounds like she would have a bunch of things to figure out if you parted ways. 

[RO_AH 1,625]

I read through the first page but don't have time for the rest right now. Two years is too long. Even if tampo my wife never does that for more than 2 days. She is also from Bulacan. You said that there were no problems with intimacy in the Philippines. So that means there is a problem. I don't know how you put up with 2 years of this to be honest. If she hasn't made any effort or adjustment for 2 years I don't see how she ever will. Seems more like the type that wanted to come to America for a better life. Then she can work and provide for her family. My advice is get a divorce. If you have not done the ROC yet then send her back home. This may sound cold but I know a person in your situation and he said to his wife that he was taking her home because she seemed home sick. He only bought her a one way ticket and came home alone. Then filed for divorce after he returned. That's one option. The other is just tell her it's not working out and she has not adjusted to married life and you will file for divorce. I would agree in trying if she showed any effort. That time passed a year and a half ago.

 

[JE57 239]

A couple of thoughts. 

1) You said there was no physical intimacy at all and you lead with the concern that you've not 'slept together' in 2 years... But my question would be why would you want to ?  If there is no emotional intimacy between you (and it sounds like there isn't) then you could get what you desire physically elsewhere.  Therefore the real concern in my opinion should be the lack of a real marriage.  You say she went home to the Philippines twice since she's been here but have you considered or taken vacations together?

 2) You seem more than willing to talk about it with her,  with a counselor with clergy etc.  but she isn't.. Perhaps it's an unfair generalization but my experience is that women from the Phlipiines (and perhaps men as well) don't generally do well talking thru such things. (culture difference coupled with insecurity)   It is extremely hard and puts them in a position of feeling very venerable and can be terrifying.  This would be even more true if she has something she is ashamed of or insecure about.  As such every attempt to 'talk about it' might be perceived by her as an attack rather than the loving gesture that you intend it to be.  

-

You've said she does do things for you and that is a positive sign. She has not said no to a firmer mattress that too may be a good sign.  For sure, I think there is a good possiblity that she used you to gain status in the USA but she's got a 10 YR green card and you're still on the hook for supporting her even if she left.  She's come back (twice) from the Philippines which may or may not have been for money.  To your knowledge she's not looking to go out to bars/night clubs or browsing personals looking for someone else so while I am suspicious of her motives some of the classic signs are, apparently missing.  

-

If she really did marry you for a GC then there may be some guilt associated with that which is preventing her from truly falling in love with you or hidden secrets tearing her apart that day be day by day get harder and harder to tell you.  

-

My suggestion is either take a hardline and say that's it I can't do this anymore in which case your marriage is probably over and you'll never really know or double down on what you've been doing but drop the let's talk about us.  Try the let's talk about what we can do together (where would you like to see in the USA?)  Consider a couples message perhaps see if the physical intamacy issues are you or in general she doesn't want ANYONE touching her.  Set her free... Tell her you love her,  (you obviously believe you do) and that you want nothing more than for her to be happy and is there ANYTHING you can do to increase her happiness

-

I know others here are saying divorce and be done with it and on the surface that certainly seems like the right answer but some of the little details like her buying you things, willing cleaning the house not generally it seems giving you a hard time.  Think if while she was in the Philippines if she had to come back for the money ?  She could have stayed out of the USA for as much as 6 months.  My thoughts are that perhaps what you said when you 'yelled' at her caused much more permanent and deeper emotional scaring then you realized and that since then she's built that narative up in her mind and amplified it.  Maybe try to just find common ground/interests even if that's playing the same games or occasionally watching Phlipiines 'SHOWTIME' together.  Consider if maybe if she won't share a bed with you if perhaps she'd share a bedroom with you in separate beds.  My point is there has to be a strong trust and emotional connection for the physical intimacy.  Either something changed when she arrived (i..e. she didn't need to be physical with you because she was in it for the greencard) or something changed emotionally (she felt vulnerable exposed and powerless and has never found the safe space she was in while in the phlippines).  Or perhaps, as scary as it sounds she was abused by someone between your being intimate with her in the Philippines and her arrival in the USA.  A counselor would be good but she's unlikely to go but perhaps you should even if by yourself.   Professional advice to you based on a greater totality of the situation is better than getting advice from strangers on the internet based on mere snippets of information.  Tell her you are going because you love her and are lost and confused about your marriage with her and since you can't discuss it with her you need help.

Good luck!  And God Bless!

-

[Kevo 69]

You're a more patient man than me and I feel bad for you.  All the questions and insecurity that your circumstance creates would be tough for anyone to endure.  

 

Obviously you have a huge decision to make; is it worth it to keep trying to see if things will change, or is all hope lost at this point?  Follow your heart.  

[stedye 11]

JE57 you have given such a beautifully well thought out response.  She is a good woman in many ways , or, I would have left long time ago. In Colombia I terminated three serious relationships with beautiful women when I saw , felt them motivated for just a green card, one lady I was about to begin the Visa process on her case. I lived in New York City for 20 years so I have street savvy and B.S. radar. You pose a few great options for me  ( us) and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. Just this morning she texted me at work to say thanks for the Rotisserie chicken I bought her home last night. She also stated that she was scheduled to work at 7am but did not want to wake me because I was in a deep sleep, she says she texted me the message about 7am yesterday which I never got , I told her we were both watching television last night and she should have mentioned it. She is very shy - non talkative even in public, a quiet lady. Her mom is like that as well , says very little, but treated me like a King at the family home when I was in Phil for two weeks.  If she did not have many Sterling qualities such as her dependability , she does not drink or smoke and she is always home when I get there on her off days. I have been teaching her to drive for over one year ( has her permit) but she is not enthused about Atlanta traffic. I will weigh all the factors , analyze and assimilate then decide a definitive direction . For those who believe in the efficacy of prayer pray that the Truth may be revealed and that we succeed together, or, amicably go peacefully separate paths. Much appreciation for those who take the time to help a fellow traveler. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

38 minutes ago, stedye said:

JE57 you have given such a beautifully well thought out response.  She is a good woman in many ways , or, I would have left long time ago. In Colombia I terminated three serious relationships with beautiful women when I saw , felt them motivated for just a green card, one lady I was about to begin the Visa process on her case. I lived in New York City for 20 years so I have street savvy and B.S. radar. You pose a few great options for me  ( us) and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. Just this morning she texted me at work to say thanks for the Rotisserie chicken I bought her home last night. She also stated that she was scheduled to work at 7am but did not want to wake me because I was in a deep sleep, she says she texted me the message about 7am yesterday which I never got , I told her we were both watching television last night and she should have mentioned it. She is very shy - non talkative even in public, a quiet lady. Her mom is like that as well , says very little, but treated me like a King at the family home when I was in Phil for two weeks.  If she did not have many Sterling qualities such as her dependability , she does not drink or smoke and she is always home when I get there on her off days. I have been teaching her to drive for over one year ( has her permit) but she is not enthused about Atlanta traffic. I will weigh all the factors , analyze and assimilate then decide a definitive direction . For those who believe in the efficacy of prayer pray that the Truth may be revealed and that we succeed together, or, amicably go peacefully separate paths. Much appreciation for those who take the time to help a fellow traveler. 

That's all well and good but it sounds like you guys are roommates more than husband and wife. I taught my wife how to drive on the surfaces streets around Los Angeles so I know how she feels about the traffic because my wife is the same way about that. You need to seriously have sit down conversation with her about what is on her mind and about you and your marriage.

[stedye 11]

Cyberfx a serious talk is necessary, you are absolutely correct .

[PaoSelle 35]

On 2/5/2018 at 7:18 PM, Chris Duffy said:

Sounds like the rings was  pawned for money.

 

Pretty common for the guys to beat women in Philippines, Not common for the father to get abused also or let the son bully him.  That don't jive for me.

Okay, first of all where exactly in the Philippines have you been to? It's your opinion I know but, don't generalize bro. I grew up here in the Philippines and the male figures in my life never laid a finger on their wives. The young men in my family were taught to treat women with respect and when you have a family to go make a living  and provide for your family so that your wife can stay at home and take care of the children and if mama is not happy then no one's happy. 

[stedye 11]

Paoselle. I got married in Norzagaray Bulacan. Her brother was not invited to our wedding, as per my wife. His wife came. He has a history of beating his wife , squandering money away on ####### fighting roosters , and the family had awareness of him having a side affair on his wife. They have on my occasions had to have the Police come over to ease the tensions between him and his wife. His younger brother is a public school teacher who moved out over a year ago because he could not take his brothers onerous behavior. My mother in laws stroke last year was attributed to the stressful conditions in the family. Never did I make a generalization saying all Filipino men beat their wives, your culture is not that familiar to me to make a statement like that. My post was not about men beating their wives.  I was taught respect and most men were , that physical brutality to a woman is totally unacceptable. This " one" Filipino man beats his wife . How you got that interpretation I have no idea. Thanks all the same Sir for your input on the question that I orginally asked in this post. 

[stedye 11]

Sorry, Paosell Sir. I see that you made reference to the post by Chris. It just posed food for thought : My brother in law not being invited to her wedding could be a deeper issue between the two of them, just a bit of analysis in reflection. One other fact, about 2 weeks after her arrival when I questioned her in a loud - angry tone on why she was still sleeping in the living room ? Later I heard her on FaceTime with the family crying that she was afraid I might be like her brother.  Totally not the case , don't smoke- drink - use profanity- or hit women to take out frustration. A few weeks later she said that confrontation reminded her of her brother.  We really need to see a marriage counselor - therapist , or , at least in my give me a better idea which way to proceed. Many thanks again to all who have given valid critique and useful info to lead me out of my wilderness.

[JE57 239]

As I mentioned before,  if she will not go see a marriage counselor with you then you should go by yourself.  Keep searching until you find a professional to help you so that you are getting professional advice to help your wife and yourself get to a happier place for both of you.   My prayers are with you.  God Bless you and your wife. 

[stedye 11]

Thanks so much JE57.  Pray for us  ( Steve and Tin ) . I am going to look into counseling at the very least for myself. Many blessing and much Grace to you and yours. Thanks for the brotherly concern. 

[Chris Duffy 1,256]

18 hours ago, stedye said:

 Her brother was not invited to our wedding, as per my wife. His wife came. He has a history of beating his wife , squandering money away on ####### fighting roosters , and the family had awareness of him having a side affair on his wife. 

I have seen this and tends to be a common theme in Philippines

 

The son is treated like a Prince usually by the mother, He smokes sticks, Gambles, Goes to Rooster fights, pawns family items, Drinks, and it abusive to the females in the family.  

 

 

Edited February 8, 2018 by Chris Duffy