Spouse's anger problem

[Otto 83]

Here's how this ends (with some/all of the following):

• Alcohol
  
• Poss. Drugs
  
• More Violence
  
• Police
  
• Jail
  
• Court
  
• Police
  
• Jail
  
• Court
  

Like a shampoo bottle says : Rinse and Repeat...

Men (typically men) with anger issues, when they are young, tend to get away with this behavior. Once they reach adult-hood, they continue the behavior - now it may not be as prevalent as before, but it is still there. There is rarely anger without rage, and rarely rage without some sort of violence be it property damage or physically hurting a person (or animal).

Left to it's own - the rage will, there is little doubt, result in serious injury to someone (friend, family, stranger) - as an adult, this will have serious consequences. The rage is almost always transferred to someone/thing other than the individual and the police/jail/court become enemies. The blame game.

The individual, when calm often regrets his/her behavior and thinks they can 'control' it - each time it is "I know - I shouldn't have done xxx, am sorry, it won't happen again" But what they are really thinking is "It won't happen again if so and so doesn't cut me off in traffic again, or if my brother doesn't open his big mouth" Blame Game.

Rinse and Repeat...

If it were me - I would take the opportunity to privately speak with the prosecutor, convince him/her that there needs to be MORE than anger management, but psychological treatment as part of the plea-deal (or sentence). Anger management is OK for those who lose their temper now and then, or have issues in certain circumstances (like driving or attending sports events, etc). They do not work for chronic rage. The individual will feel they do not belong in this 'class' and blame everyone for being there...Blame Game.

It's been said here - it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, combined with years of no treatment. Add to this, the effect this behavior has on loved ones, the helplessness to name one.

Again - not knowing anyone, I would say the likelihood of a severe episode occurring is pretty high without treatment(drugs and counseling). Not to sound all gloom and doom.

It IS treatable, and a healthy life CAN certainly be had, by him and by all. That is the good news.

Just my 2cents.. and words of encouragement...

[rebeccajo 14]

...............If it were me - I would take the opportunity to privately speak with the prosecutor, convince him/her that there needs to be MORE than anger management, but psychological treatment as part of the plea-deal (or sentence)................

.................It IS treatable, and a healthy life CAN certainly be had, by him and by all. That is the good news...........

To the first point.....

Just because the prosecutor orders treatment doesn't mean the state will pay for it. Or that the accussed will comply.

To the second point.....

Bull$hit.

[SoL. 0]

Wong,

You may also want to seek for some counseling for yourself because abuse is not only physical, it can also affect you mentally. I have seen how an abusive husband behaves, and THEY DO NOT CHANGE. All they keep saying is that they are sorry for what they did and being sorry about themselves, self pity is common on them. They play mind games like that but they keep on getting more violent. Lots of drama but no change.

Maybe they can be given a prescription for mental drugs but that won't cure them, it makes them numb for a while. Nice and sweet, then they stop taking the pills and the violence + rage comes back with a vengeance.

If he was capable on beating and harming his brother like that, and didn't feel remorse for doing it, I would lose all respect for him. I cannot imagine somebody harming a brother or any family member like that.

Please take care, be careful with this person that even tho he might love you, he is also a danger to you. Good luck

[Kez/JWolf 6]

Unless he accepts that he has a big problem and he seeks help... there is no court or program that is going to change how he thinks..... because in his eyes it is always caused by someone else it is never his fault....

The day I was beaten to within a inch of my life by my ex-husband it was my fault because he had phoned for a fast food delivery and they sent the wrong meal... my fault because I should have checked it before the man left the door... well thats what he told the court.... he went to prison and served 8 years and had all the anger management treatment that was on offer.... 2 years after he was released he murdered his new wife, the poor woman was stabbed 26 times... why because she forgot to put the salt on the dinner table.... Will he ever change... not a hope in hell.... why... because he blames everyone but himself for all his anger....

My advise to the OP is get out NOW.... will she.... NO... because like me she will try to help the man she loves and will put up with it and maybe even start to believe that in some way it is her fault... until one day something will happen and she will either look at her life and say enough or she will be DEAD...

Kez

Edited March 11, 2007 by Niagaenola

[rebeccajo 14]

.... 2 years after he was released he murdered his new wife, the poor woman was stabbed 26 times... why because she forgot to put the salt on the dinner table....

Holy hell.

[Nancy2015 2]

The day I was beaten to within a inch of my life by my ex-husband it was my fault because he had phoned for a fast food delivery and they sent the wrong meal... my fault because I should have checked it before the man left the door... well thats what he told the court.... he went to prison and served 8 years and had all the anger management treatment that was on offer.... 2 years after he was released he murdered his new wife, the poor woman was stabbed 26 times... why because she forgot to put the salt on the dinner table.... Will he ever change... not a hope in hell.... why... because he blames everyone but himself for all his anger....

OMG... I hope the ####### will rot in jail...

[Visa4habibi! 0]

Thank you for your posts and support. I really appreciate it.

I talked to him last night, but he doesn't seem to realise that his anger problem could lead to serious consequences. He said he would try to control himself, and he still tends to believe that I should try to understand him, instead of making him change.(yeah, I know...it's a sign)

Actually he will have to be on probation soon, since he got in trouble for beating his brother last time. And the prosecutor wants to put him on anger management also. So I really hope that would help. We will also find out about the insurance, and if it covers the medical bills, then I really don't think hubby will have a problem having to be on medication. I strongly think that he needs medication, because even though he said he can try to control his temper, I really don't think he can.

mmmmmmmmmmmmm to put it nicely, sounds like my ex!!! Never got better!!! I've ruined my life with him, almost went coocoo myself and all for nothing!

I'd say more, but what good would it do? I've spent years and years with him trying to fix it, but now I just regret trying too hard and too long!!!! He thought, he was perfect, he still thinks that! I am the bad one in his eyes!

If he ever get his GF here from abroad - she'd suffer exactly like you are now and I pitty the girl! I'm just glad he's not my problem anymore!!!

I'm not giving you advice and I'm not a bad person, I'm glad this part of my life is over! I'm sure you can understand what I'm trying to say here, girl!

[Fandango 1,439]

...............If it were me - I would take the opportunity to privately speak with the prosecutor, convince him/her that there needs to be MORE than anger management, but psychological treatment as part of the plea-deal (or sentence)................

.................It IS treatable, and a healthy life CAN certainly be had, by him and by all. That is the good news...........

To the first point.....

Just because the prosecutor orders treatment doesn't mean the state will pay for it. Or that the accussed will comply.

To the second point.....

Bull$hit.

Why would the state order treatment as part of his sentencing and not pay for it? That seems kinda silly.

_________

These stories that some of you ladies have gone through are just horrible! And what strong women you are for getting thru it all. But I have to say, just because some of you had awful experiences does not mean it's the exact same with Wong. It might be, it might not be. We don't know.

[Mags 112]

Unless he accepts that he has a big problem and he seeks help... there is no court or program that is going to change how he thinks..... because in his eyes it is always caused by someone else it is never his fault....

The day I was beaten to within a inch of my life by my ex-husband it was my fault because he had phoned for a fast food delivery and they sent the wrong meal... my fault because I should have checked it before the man left the door... well thats what he told the court.... he went to prison and served 8 years and had all the anger management treatment that was on offer.... 2 years after he was released he murdered his new wife, the poor woman was stabbed 26 times... why because she forgot to put the salt on the dinner table.... Will he ever change... not a hope in hell.... why... because he blames everyone but himself for all his anger....

My advise to the OP is get out NOW.... will she.... NO... because like me she will try to help the man she loves and will put up with it and maybe even start to believe that in some way it is her fault... until one day something will happen and she will either look at her life and say enough or she will be DEAD...

Kez

Bloody hell Kezzie.

[GabachaYucateca 0]

For those who have been in the trenches of this type of relationship, thank you for sharing your wisdom and stories.

This whole thing sounds terrible, especially since I remember the OP posting a while back about an incident where her hubby didn't say anything when his tattoo artist made disparaging comments about China.

[rebeccajo 14]

Why would the state order treatment as part of his sentencing and not pay for it? That seems kinda silly.

It's not the state's responsibility to rehab him. Unless they have him in confinement. You can be ordered to do many things as part of a plea or sentence.

For instance....attend seminars or counseling after a drunk driving conviction. They don't pay for that but you have to comply or else be held in comtempt.

[wong_watkins 1]

For those who have been in the trenches of this type of relationship, thank you for sharing your wisdom and stories.

This whole thing sounds terrible, especially since I remember the OP posting a while back about an incident where her hubby didn't say anything when his tattoo artist made disparaging comments about China.

I know...that actually hurt me alot..and when I talked to him about it, he said it's because his temper has been improved.........................

For the other posters, I really appreciate your advice and sharing your stories with me. Maybe you really think I'm stupid but I do think that I do love him very much and he really needs me right now. We found out that if he goes see a specialist and diagnosed with a mental illness his insurance will cover it, so he's going to do that next week.

[rebeccajo 14]

Nobody thinks you are stupid.

[no one 0]

I agree; no one thinks you're stupid! We all know what it's like to love someone so much that we'd drop everything we had and move across the world for them.

Glad to read that he's agreed to seeing a specialist. Keep us updated!

[bostonparis 0]

For those who have been in the trenches of this type of relationship, thank you for sharing your wisdom and stories.

This whole thing sounds terrible, especially since I remember the OP posting a while back about an incident where her hubby didn't say anything when his tattoo artist made disparaging comments about China.

I know...that actually hurt me alot..and when I talked to him about it, he said it's because his temper has been improved.........................

For the other posters, I really appreciate your advice and sharing your stories with me. Maybe you really think I'm stupid but I do think that I do love him very much and he really needs me right now. We found out that if he goes see a specialist and diagnosed with a mental illness his insurance will cover it, so he's going to do that next week.

Oh my gosh, no one here thinks you're stupid. I, for one, am very concerned for your safety. Only you know your situation, though. If you feel that you are not in immediate danger, than who are we to say you are not. However, sometimes it may be easier for people outside the situation to see it more clearly. Just be wary - don't let down your guard. Make sure his family is aware any time something happens. I feel like this could get very ugly very quickly.

And I would put the cat in a better home. Please. The cat did nothing wrong, and the poor thing is probably scared to death.