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wong_watkins

Spouse's anger problem

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My husband has had an anger problem since he was a kid, and when he was in high school they had to put him in some kind of special class...

I didn't really realise his anger problem was that bad before we got married. The thing is, he is actually really good to me, and no matter how mad he gets, he's never even touched me when he goes "crazy". I found out that his anger problem was really bad when I first moved here, and I really thought that I had made a huge mistake...but time goes by and he has actually mellowed down, but he still snaps(I mean, he would go fukcing nuts...) every once in a while. Like half a year ago he beat the sh!t out of his brother because he was running his mouth..he gave him stitches inside of his mouth and a fractured jaw. And today one of our cats puked on our bed the first time and he just went nuts and took out a hammer and was chasing the cat arround wanting to kill the cat...

We've been married for more than 2 years now, things are actually getting better but I'm just getting really tired. Things would seem fine for a little while but then he would just fukcing snap..Sometimes I just want to give up everything here and leave. I know he needs help but his insurance doesn't cover mental illness-related madication and we really don't want to get stuck with big medical bills. We thought about anger management but he doesn't seem to want to get any help.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do..

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Morocco
Timeline

anger like this usually is some deep chemical imbalance, or something like bi polar. My ex had some of this but his was due to the drinking (or more when he wasnt drinking) became very mean and nasty today, but tomorrow just peaches and creame. THen i also knew someone bi polar wasnt so much the violent but very changeable but had medicines to take everyday. They are fine on a good day, bad on a bad day, they have to want to help themsleves.


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BE WHO YOU ARE AND SAY WHAT YOU FEEL, BECAUSE THOSE WHO MIND DONT MATTER AND THOSE WHO MATTER DONT MIND

YOU CANT CHANGE THE PAST BUT YOU CAN RUIN THE PRESENT BY WORRYING OVER THE FUTURE

TRIP.... OVER LOVE, AND YOU CAN GET UP

FALL.... IN LOVE, AND YOU FALL FOREVER

I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, JUST NOT THE ABILITY

LIKE THE MEASLES, LOVE IS MOST DANGEROUS WHEN IT COMES LATER IN LIFE

LIFE IS NOT THE WAY ITS SUPPOSED TO BE, ITS THE WAY IT IS

I MAY NOT BE WHERE I WANT TO BE BUT IM SURE NOT WHERE I WAS

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He is not goint to get help unless he wants it. He may not realize the strain its putting on the relationship unless you talk to him about it. If he values your relationship, he might be encourage to seek help. If he doesnt, well, its up to you what you would want to do at that point.


keTiiDCjGVo

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Filed: Timeline
He is not goint to get help unless he wants it. He may not realize the strain its putting on the relationship unless you talk to him about it. If he values your relationship, he might be encourage to seek help. If he doesnt, well, its up to you what you would want to do at that point.

Completely agreeing with this.

On a more urgent note, watch out for your own safety. Really.

PS ~ saw on your profile that you're from HK? That's cool... I was born there, but moved to Canada when I was a kid :)

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He DEFINITELY needs some professional help. However, if he refuses, you cannot make him. You can get some supportive counseling for yourself though, to help you deal with this. You might check into your local mental health center and see if they offer a sliding fee program.


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threatening a cat with a HAMMER? :crying:

Damn, some people shouldn't have animals.

Wong ~ If he refuses help there isn't much you can do, except be VERY careful. Look after yourself luvvy.

Completely agree with Mags' succinct but comprehensive post. Suffice it to say, one outburst, as described, would be enough to make me walk, esp if there was no acknowledgement that counseling was necessary. End of story. I'm worth WAY more than living my life in that sort of environment.

Jen


8-30-05 Met David at a restaurant in Germany

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A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together.

It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

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JenT, I think about it the same way as you do. I always think that I don't deserve to live in an environment like that..I just want to have a peaceful life, but at the same time I cherish our marriage and I still think that maybe there's a way I can help him or something..

I will definitely talk to him tonight..like some of you said, if he cherishes our relationship he will get some help, not just for me, but also for himself.

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Netherlands
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Please be careful and I hope everything gets better for the both of you. (F)

edi


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Please be careful and I hope everything gets better for the both of you. (F)

edi

Yes do be careful, if he has anger managment issues, he could react poorly if you confronted.


keTiiDCjGVo

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Germany
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Hey Girl, you have to be really careful. Does his family or friends know about it? Maybe someone could help you or also talk him into going to a professional who could help him. That is a very dangerous situation, can't even imagine that you going through that already 2 years. I hope you take good care of you and I really hope everything will be better one day!

Take care

Nina


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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Canada
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I am divorced and my first husband eerily resembles what you described. For a long long time I completely understood/reasoned away his reactions to things: people out to get him, people not understanding him, his disfunctional family, the medications he was on etc. It does sounds like your hubby has some awareness of his anger... which is good, my hubby didn't.

I just wanted to warn you about these statements:

"I wouldn't have had to do that if you/he/she/they had just listened to me"

"Why can't you/he/she/they just do what I tell them"

"What? It didn't happen like that.. you must be remembering it wrong".

"I'm sorry" (over and over in a dismissive of his own actions kind of thing)"

Those were the "catch phrases" I heard all the time from my ex. I know that at a point in my relationship with him I realized that I was dying. He was destroying my personality, my love of life, and alienating me from all of my family and friends. I knew that I was dying inside, and that one day he could kill me physically. It scared me how strong he was, and how quickly he could fly off the handle.

I just wanted to encourage you that you have great value, and that you deserve to be safe and free of manipulation. Perhaps this is isolated to relationships outside your own, but I would guess that it's not. I begged my ex to get help for 3 years. To this day (8 years and our divorce later), he has not recieved help. I totally agree with the other posters, they have to want to get help and to have consequences grave enough to seek it out. But YOU can get help.. I went to many support groups.. many that didn't appear to have direct connection to his anger but I still learned out much about myself. I went to Alanon, sought counselling out with my church, went to support groups. Your local paper can help out greatly in that area.. But just because he won't get help, you should make sure you have help and support to get through this.

The BEST thing you can do is to tell a member of your family or close group of friends, preferably someone close by. They can be your "eyes and ears" and if you commit to being brutally honest with them about what is going on and how you are feeling, they will be very good at helping you see what your next step is. But if you ever need to get away for a bit and let him cool down you NEED a safe place to go to.

All the best.. and I agree with everyone else.. take care of yourself. You are valuable and you deserve a lifetime of happiness.


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Naturalization

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Filed: Timeline

I spent 15 years living with my EX who sounds just like your husband.... I too cherished my marriage and tried so hard to keep it going... I too kidded myself that it was worth staying around to try and help him learn to control his outbursts.... until one day in Feb 1995 when he just exploded and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time... I took the full brunt of his anger and his fists and his baseball bat... I came within an inch of my life... spent 6 weeks in intensive care and I am still having surgey to try to fix the mess he made of my legs and hips...

You need to look out for YOU... there is no point trying to tell you to get out now because I know that you will stay there and deal with whatever he does until one day you can take no more....

Please please be careful...

Kez

Edited by Niagaenola

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