Wife Left...What Now?

[d3adc0d3 186]

This is true. After a week or so, circumstances arose to consider an AOS.

She wrote me earlier that changing countries and customs, combined with her mother's situation, played a heavy burden on her. She has visited here four times in the past two years!

She wants some time to know her mother is OK, readjust her attitude, and try to get a tourist visa for her mother so she can visit occasionally. Again, my frustration is impeding my ability to see how this will all change miraculously, but I truly appreciate everybody's words and advice, as it helped me tremendously and I am trying hard to not be angry or sad, and try to be proactive and supportive.

Latinos are very close to their parents, and the health system in Colombia leaves much to be desired, so if her mother hasn't improved, chances are she only has a short time left, at this point, I get the impression your wife wants to make sure she can be there with her mother when she passes (which tends to be extremely important for Latinos, they don't let their family pass away alone - all their living children and grandchildren should be present), and she's worried that she won't be able to return if her mother's health turns for the worst.

If you file for an AOS, and along side it file for an EAD and AP, it will still be several months until you would get the AP, which would allow her to leave the country without abandoning the AOS. If her mother's health deteriorates quickly while you're in that limbo it would be devastating to her family, and her siblings may not forgive her for it, not to mention she may not forgive herself.

However if an emergency situation arises, you can contact your local immigration office and have them expedite the AP, many people can get it within days, if there's an emergency (like a parent passing away). They are very good about that, and that is something you can bring up to your wife. Also you can contact the airlines you use, as them about their FF miles, and what the most expensive coach flight would be miles wise, and how much it would cost to purchase those miles. Keep them on a FF account in HER name, and if there's an emergency she can always book a flight last minute, so there's that as well. That will allow her to be able to return within days of news of her mother's health deteriorating.

[Caryh 5,206]

This is true. After a week or so, circumstances arose to consider an AOS.

She wrote me earlier that changing countries and customs, combined with her mother's situation, played a heavy burden on her. She has visited here four times in the past two years!

She wants some time to know her mother is OK, readjust her attitude, and try to get a tourist visa for her mother so she can visit occasionally. Again, my frustration is impeding my ability to see how this will all change miraculously, but I truly appreciate everybody's words and advice, as it helped me tremendously and I am trying hard to not be angry or sad, and try to be proactive and supportive.

Let me say this right out, it will not miraculously change. It will take time, a lot of time most likely. She'll go through these feelings again and again, and you're going to have to be the one to be strong through it. At times you'll feel like saying screw it, she can choose me and our marriage of GTFO. You're going to have to put your pride aside while she's hurting and be there for her when she needs you. And also know when to just leave her alone to get over it herself. Plus the really tough part of knowing when is the right time to do both. My wife has gone through a lot of home sickness and she'll have been here three years next week. I thought she was pretty much over it, but it came back pretty ugly when her mother got sick. Some people never totally get over the homesickness but it does get better with time. Some hardly get it at all. As the spouse that did not change countries and cultures, we need to know how to be supportive, and at times I can tell you its not easy. But if we love our spouse, we do what we have to to help them get through it. It doesn't surprise me that some can't get through this, having been through it now myself. I don't blame anyone for saying they can't handle it, as there have been times that I've wondered if I could keep handling it. But being on the back side of it now, I'm glad I did.

[jodari62 1]

Wow, great feedback Caryh. I really appreciate it. You touch on a lot of how I have been feeling.

[TBoneTX 43,069]

Cary is worth listening to, si man.

Another phenomenon: Mrs. T-B. had been to the U.S. before. Once here "permanently," she was as homesick as she could be at first. Shortly after she got here, her closest sister nearly died while giving birth, and Mrs. T-B. was inconsolable about not being there for her. We hadn't adjusted status or gotten the AP document yet, so she was stuck. Those were tough days for both of us.

After recovering from that and slowly becoming more acclimated, Mrs. T-B. was wild about the idea of going back to Ecuador to visit. Almost as soon as she got the AP paper, she had me arrange a 7-week trip for her, and I was to join her for the last 9 days or so. This was in earlier 2009. About 3 weeks in, she called me and plaintively said, "I want to come home." I asked why, and she said, "It's not the same." She gutted out the trip as originally planned.

We talked later. She'd found that her friends and even some of her family had begun moving on with their lives. In addition, she wasn't prepared to re-adapt to the less-than-First-World conditions in Ecu. When I inquired about this phenomenon, she said, "It's like staying in a cheap hotel -- it's OK, if it's all that you know. Once you've stayed at a better hotel [meaning the U.S.], you see the difference, and you can't put up with it as well."

In later 2010, we visited Ecu again. Mrs. T-B. joined a caucus of her high-school classmates. Some were never-married, some were divorced, and some were unhappily married to machistas. We were all sitting at an outdoor cafe, where Mrs. T-B. was regaling her amigas with tales of her life in the U.S. I can't understand much Spanish, so I contented myself with drinking Inca Kolas and observing.

I gathered that Mrs. T-B. was talking about how little cooking she had to do for me, and how undemanding I was. One of her girlfriends exclaimed "Oh, my God" in Spanish. (Note for others: "Macho" husbands in Ecu and elsewhere in Latin America can insist on 3 freshly cooked full meals every day, and leftovers are unacceptable. This is only a fraction of what wives there can suffer through.) I mustered my entire Spanish vocabulary and managed to say that when I came home from work, I would ask "Where's dinner?" and Mrs. T-B. would say "Silencio! Mi novela!" ["Shut up! My Spanish soap opera!"] The girls got a kick out of that, and I think that Mrs. T-B. appreciated my support of her points.

Earlier this year, Mrs. T-B. went to Ecu with 3-year-old Mini-Bone for 3.5 weeks (I couldn't come along or join them later). Almost from the start, she was calling me daily or more often, expressing anguish at the conditions. She was sometimes nearly in tears. Little Mini-B. had a hard time of his own. I told her to gut it out, which she did. When she came back, she had positively readjusted her appreciation of what she had here. And, it was fun to see Mini-B. delightedly reacquainting himself with all of his toys.

Edit: One early thing that I did really paid off. On Mrs. T-B.'s very second Sunday here, I dropped her at a Spanish-language church service and picked her up when it was supposed to let out. She emerged bubbling, and introduced me to some people whom she'd met. I took her back there a couple more times until she'd recruited a nice network of acquaintances.

Of note, none of those direct contacts endured, but she made connections through those people, and I think that a few of her current friends evolved "many times removed" from those first days.

If your wife returns, and if you have a similar church opportunity within range, consider dropping her there. You know up-front that the attendees will not be shady people. Mrs. T-B. isn't religious, and that wasn't the point, anyway. The social element was the chief thing, and it was a highly successful venture.

Edited September 5, 2014 by TBoneTX

[Kiv 32]

This is true. After a week or so, circumstances arose to consider an AOS.

She wrote me earlier that changing countries and customs, combined with her mother's situation, played a heavy burden on her. She has visited here four times in the past two years!

She wants some time to know her mother is OK, readjust her attitude, and try to get a tourist visa for her mother so she can visit occasionally. Again, my frustration is impeding my ability to see how this will all change miraculously, but I truly appreciate everybody's words and advice, as it helped me tremendously and I am trying hard to not be angry or sad, and try to be proactive and supportive.

You are in a difficult situation, i have been here for years and I never stop missing home, family and friends.

Each time i go back home I have the same problem "I do not want to leave them again".

Skype, facetime and any other possible way of stay in touch help, . I know how hard it is when family members get sick or are passing through any other problems, I lost my father after 3 years here. My husband has been supportive and patient with me and that makes me love him even more. I wish for you and your wife that you find the best way to overcome these problems. You seem to have the right attitude.