Wife Left...What Now?

[Bill and Vicky 25]

She told me today she does not want a divorce and wants to return in December. What I don't understand at this point is if it is so difficult after two weeks here, what makes it all better to return in November?

Because she's homesick, she's worried about her family, etc. etc. She's not thinking clearly.

You have to be the responsible spouse right now. You have to decide if you love her enough to continue or not. If you do, then you tell her you're here, and you'll do what you can to support her while she's there, but you miss her and you want her home.

Regards,

Bill

[Snag 57]

It takes roughly a year, give or take, for someone to start settling in to life in a new country. ...when you have a parent who is sick and you're not nearby to help and be present, I can only imagine it's grueling. I know I didn't do well when my mother was sick and I was 3,000 miles away, and I made a lot of personal sacrifices to be nearby as much as I could.

.

I second this Aussie. Two weeks to adjust is really not nearly enough time. Perhaps for a few who never get chomped on by the jaws of homesickness, but I know for me it took a solid year, and six months of keeping myself busy. My father isn't in the best of health, and whenever my mother would tell me his latest health update, it would send me into a spiral of grief. In the end, when my homesickness was at its peak and intoxicating for my marriage, my husband said, "Would you like to move back? I'll come, too." That made a world of difference - to know he was supportive, willing to drop everything for me, also, and make sacrifices. Of course, moving back wasn't wise and I knew that. But the fact he was supportive and willing was a sanity booster for me.

Just something to think upon, OP. All the very best.

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

Awe, sounds like your hubby is super good! That just helps big time in cirumstances when you feel the earth is crumpling under your feet.
OP: yes, being homesick must be hard, and some people adjust fast, others slower. If I had a mother overseas being sick, I sure as heck want to be with her and take care of her. I believe that is the minimum a child could do to "pay back" all the love and nurture that their mother has provided them growing up. Or maybe I'm thinking this way because all my childhood I was always dreaming of a mother (my mother died when I was 2 years old, so don't even have memories of her- that's kind of the hardest part actually).

Anyway, give it some time OP. She knows coming back in December won't change dramatically everything, but she loves you (otherwise she would not want to come back, and would be happy to divorce) and she wants to make it work too. You should be patient, be there for her, show her that you understand this is a hard move to make, indeed, if you guys could go together to visit her parents that would be the best surprise for her to show you love her, and support her even in this difficult time. All the best!

I second this Aussie. Two weeks to adjust is really not nearly enough time. Perhaps for a few who never get chomped on by the jaws of homesickness, but I know for me it took a solid year, and six months of keeping myself busy. My father isn't in the best of health, and whenever my mother would tell me his latest health update, it would send me into a spiral of grief. In the end, when my homesickness was at its peak and intoxicating for my marriage, my husband said, "Would you like to move back? I'll come, too." That made a world of difference - to know he was supportive, willing to drop everything for me, also, and make sacrifices. Of course, moving back wasn't wise and I knew that. But the fact he was supportive and willing was a sanity booster for me.

Just something to think upon, OP. All the very best.

[d3adc0d3 186]

My fiance (soon to be husband) is south american too. He has a very ill grandmother, and worries about her constantly. South Americans tend to have VERY close bonds with their family, which is something that us Americans can often have a hard time understanding. I'm not saying you do not understand, nor am I implying anything more than my experience.

I would recommend that you consider going to her for a couple months, if possible, so you can see what her family life is really like. Understanding where she is coming from, and what the day-to-day interaction with her family is like will help more than anything. I spent nearly 3 months with my fiance and his family in Argentina and I absolutely adore them all, and really being in the thick of how close they all are, his grandmother's condition, and their interactions gave me a lot of insight and appreciation into how hard it was for him to leave them all.

It sounds to me like your wife loves you very much, but that she wants to be there with her mother in her last days. Her mother's health hasn't changed, but it also means it hasn't improved, and there may be more going on than you realize. The health system in her country, or just in the area her family lives may not be the best, and with that in mind, it could very easily mean that her mother only has a short time left. Losing a parent as a Latino is devastating, far more than most of us can understand.

There are ways to suggest keeping in touch regularly. Skype is awesome, and they DO have a plan where you can get unlimited calling to land lines in Latin America for $9.99 / month, this is PHONE CALLS, you can set it up to port a phone number to your number, and call from that same number and it'll port to their number. Aside from Skype's plan, there is always Magic Jack, and with MJ Plus you don't need it hooked up to a computer, you just need an Ethernet cable, a plug (you will need to purchase a step down converter), a phone line, and a phone. If you purchase them a router, the Ethernet cables, a phone, the magic jack, and other supplies, they can always have that phone plugged in, and be able to send and receive calls regularly.
http://www.skype.com/en/rates/

Find out from your airline what times of year are the cheapest to fly using Frequent Flier miles, and plan to visit as often as you can afford to. Buy miles in small amounts each month to equal out to a trip.

Talk to your wife about the process of immigrating her mother to you (she will have to become a USC), so she can live there with you both and take advantage of a better health care system, talk as well about the option of YOU moving to HER for a couple years to help with her mother. You may be able to find a job that pays less, but allows you to work remotely. This can be more feasible with the currency and cost of living difference.

Good luck and I hope everything works out.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Nothing smart or clever to add that might help the OP sort out his problems, although I do wish him the best.

Meanwhile, Magic Jack has a FREE app for smartphones.

Yes, free.

[Ontarkie 13,918]

I think we are missing an important detail. The wife was in the US on a tourist visa, her CR1 has not been granted. She came to visit her husband as a tourist, as a visitor she had limited time allowed here. If they applied for AOS that will now be abandoned and will have to start the CR1 process.

For many being homesick can last a long time. I didn't not feel like this was my home till I was here for 3 yrs, I was not homesick the entire time but also didn't feel like this was home. When we moved my father was recovering from a stroke it killed me leaving my parents. It does not matter that my sisters are there as I know full wel how useless they can be. It may be similar to your wife's family.

Edited September 3, 2014 by Ontarkie

[d3adc0d3 186]

I think we are missing an important detail. The wife was in the US on a tourist visa, her CR1 has not been granted. She came to visit her husband as a tourist, as a visitor she had limited time allowed here. If they applied for AOS that will now be abandoned and will have to start the CR1 process.

For many being homesick can last a long time. I didn't not feel like this was my home till I was here for 3 yrs, I was not homesick the entire time but also didn't feel like this was home. When we moved my father was recovering from a stroke it killed me leaving my parents. It does not matter that my sisters are there as I know full wel how useless they can be. It may be similar to your wife's family.

According to the user's profile they filed for a CR-1, which is why no one mentioned that.

[Ontarkie 13,918]

According to the user's profile they filed for a CR-1, which is why no one mentioned that.

i know that is what confused me. But he mentions that they are stuck at VSC.

Edited September 3, 2014 by Ontarkie

[d3adc0d3 186]

i know that is what confused me. But he mentions that they are stuck at VSC.

I'm not sure of the process, but it looks like they joined in May of this year. Perhaps they're either using the wrong terms (as newbies do), or there petition hasn't been picked up yet?

[Ontarkie 13,918]

Oh I'm sure lots of confusion going on here. At first I was thinking it's ok she came in as a CR1 so she has her temp GC but he says she came in on tourist visa, so not sure if she left while doing AOS or CR1

But one thing for sure she had one heck of a case of homesickness and that sucks but something most of us deal with.

[d3adc0d3 186]

I believe that he filed for a CR1, and she came in on a Tourist Visa after he filed to visit, while it's in the works, not after it's been approved.

[Ontarkie 13,918]

I believe that he filed for a CR1, and she came in on a Tourist Visa after he filed to visit, while it's in the works, not after it's been approved.

That is exactly what I was thinking, so she had to go home as she was visiting.

[d3adc0d3 186]

Depends on the length of the stay they allowed her in on. I get the impression she left early, and he was upset because if she can't handle a 2 week visit, how can she handle immigrating? Considering her mother's health and all that, I think she's just concerned.

[Ontarkie 13,918]

Ah yes I see now.

Her concern for her mother probably kicked into high gear when she realized what is to come.

[jodari62 1]

I believe that he filed for a CR1, and she came in on a Tourist Visa after he filed to visit, while it's in the works, not after it's been approved.

This is true. After a week or so, circumstances arose to consider an AOS.

She wrote me earlier that changing countries and customs, combined with her mother's situation, played a heavy burden on her. She has visited here four times in the past two years!

She wants some time to know her mother is OK, readjust her attitude, and try to get a tourist visa for her mother so she can visit occasionally. Again, my frustration is impeding my ability to see how this will all change miraculously, but I truly appreciate everybody's words and advice, as it helped me tremendously and I am trying hard to not be angry or sad, and try to be proactive and supportive.