This really sucks

[jaycali 415]

Background:

Summer 2012, wife had an affair.

December 2012, I came to the US.

January 2013, I found out about parts of the affair. Was willing to work it out, but never got a genuine apology.

Spring 2013, I found out the full extent of the affair, wife left me for co-worker, stating she wanted to remain married, but that I needed to change certain things, and that we should see other people until I've changed, and picked myself up. Meanwhile, she was helping me with bills, realizing I wasn't financially stable.

Summer 2013, I moved out of state for a new job and fresh start, began dating a new girl. Wife "randomly" was offered a job in the same city I was in. Moved in five blocks away, broke up with old co-worker. Wanted to work things out. I refused, happy with new girlfriend. Wife fluctuated between threatening to "report me for marriage fraud" on a bad day to "understanding" on a good day, to being a complete train wreck most of the time. It was horrible to see her like that.

Fall 2013, new move. Wife and I both moved (separately). I made it clear to wife I don't feel the same anymore. She accepted and we remained friends. Wife met a new guy... I got jealous. In November I suggested we try again, from scratch, thinking if I could feel jealousy, there must be something there, and if there is, it's worth trying. Broke up with my girlfriend to focus on my marriage and my wife broke up with her new boyfriend for the same reasons.

We have been living together now again for three weeks in Los Angeles.. And it's not good. On paper, and from the outside, everything looks and seems dandy. It's not. The first week was great. The second week was not. This third week I can barely sleep. We don't fight but nearly all chemistry is gone completely. I love this woman to death, but I am no longer in love with her. I've come to the final conclusion that though I love her to death, she's not the woman I want raising my children, she's not the one I want to grow old with. What really sucks is she is bending over backwards to make amends for everything. She is being more understanding, patient and determined than I have ever seen her before. I just don't feel the same way. I can't sleep at night, and I spend my days wondering whether it's better to "give it a few months", or to break it to her sooner rather than later so I'm not leading her on. We do have intimate moments, and we do have loving moments and good times, but on my end, I just feel like she is a dear friend - nothing more what so ever.

I haven't done any therapy, but I've narrowed my feelings down to this: In coping with the cheating, lack of apology and then leaving me, my defense mechanism was to convince myself that it was never meant to be. That way, it hurt less, and it was easier to accept. I've accepted it, I moved on, and put it my past. I became utterly confused when she wanted me back so badly again.

What do you guys think?

As far as ROC (this is VJ after all), I do plan to stay here, and I do plan to file ROC with a waiver. Deadline isn't for another year, and frankly, I don't have much evidence. I have tons of pre POE evidence but little to show for after the first couple of months after POE. and I do feel that her or her mom might try to "report me" but I am not staying unhappily in a broken marriage for anything.

[Brian1967## 119]

OP this is YOUR marriage, you took a vow. Sounds like both of you have done enough emotional damage to each other to last a life time, go see a marriage pro, then work it out, What made you two fall in love in the first place? I mean really we are to different? And you had not even been married a year? #######? Dude grow up be a man and heal the marriage, it is your marriage, it sounds like you have little or no proof for bona fide marriage. Without two key things (comingled property and co mingled funds) you will more than likely not be able to ROC, even after the divorce, to tell you the truth it sounds li you both used each other, POE evidence does not enter into your claim. Your options are limited, fix the mess both of you made, both of you grow up and make it work or divorce and go home. Sorry for the harsh talk OP but you and your wife both need a firm talking to, take time to rediscover each other and heal the wounds from the past, bonds of trust once broken will not fix themselves overnight, life does not work this way. Sounds like she is trying to make it work and you just want top keep the green card and stay here. Good luck

[Darnell 8,478]

Hey Jay...

man, I dunno. I've followed yer stuff, made comments over a years' time, and

basically, if'n you want to have a healthy marriage, you're going to have to do some work, she's going to have to do some work, and the two of you together are going to have to do some work.

That's it, that's all there is to say about that. Sure, the work is painful, but with that stated goal, it's worth it.

It's on you, up to you, to make the decision to step in to the work or step away from the marriage.

[jaycali 415]

Sounds like both of you have done enough emotional damage to each other to last a life time, go see a marriage pro, then work it out,

Yes. This is true.

What made you two fall in love in the first place? I mean really we are to different? And you had not even been married a year? #######?

I should elaborate here. I realize I made it sound like we got married on a whim.. Not really knowing each other. This girl was my college sweetheart (I went school in the US). We had known each other for a long time, and been boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 years when we did get married. After that we moved to my country and lived there for a year. Traveled Europe and saved money living at my parents'. We filed when we mutually decided the US was the best choice for us. We had been married for a year when we filed, been together for three, and known each other for four years.

What made us fall in love? I can't pinpoint one thing. The same things that make a lot of college kids fall in love I suppose.

Dude grow up be a man and heal the marriage, it is your marriage,

I've replayed the cheating over and over in my head. I want it to work! I've tried for quite a while, believe me. But like you said, I wonder if there are points at which the emotional damage done is beyond repair or not. A point of no return so to speak. It seems to me that it is..

I posted this hoping someone has had a similar experience and come back from it. Stronger, and more in love.

Most of my friends keep telling me "leave her" but none of them are married, and all are in their 20s. I'm posting on here to hopefully get another take and different inputs from outside my social circle. Which you have given me.

it sounds like you have little or no proof for bona fide marriage. Without two key things (comingled property and co mingled funds) you will more than likely not be able to ROC, even after the divorce, to tell you the truth it sounds li you both used each other, POE evidence does not enter into your claim.

I can prove beyond any doubt that we had a genuine relationship for three years before I came to the US. I have evidence spanning three years of traveling the world, sharing finances etc. I can prove the affair (emails,text messages etc.) and I can prove three - four months of living together and sharing finances after I arrived. Plus the last three weeks.

Sorry for the harsh talk OP but you and your wife both need a firm talking to, take time to rediscover each other and heal the wounds from the past, bonds of trust once broken will not fix themselves overnight, life does not work this way.

I actually appreciate the harsh talk once in a while. Makes me see things from different perspectives.

This isn't so much a trust issue for me as it is a falling out of love issue. I forgave her as soon as I knew how remorseful she was, and I'm confident she will never repeat the same mistake. The issue is not trust. The issue is that I don't forget as easily as I forgive, and that makes it difficult to look at her in the same light.. I used to worship the ground that this woman walked on - I don't anymore.

[jaycali 415]

Hey Jay...

man, I dunno. I've followed yer stuff, made comments over a years' time, and

basically, if'n you want to have a healthy marriage, you're going to have to do some work, she's going to have to do some work, and the two of you together are going to have to do some work.

That's it, that's all there is to say about that. Sure, the work is painful, but with that stated goal, it's worth it.

It's on you, up to you, to make the decision to step in to the work or step away from the marriage.

Thank you my friend.

And I know. I vent a lot on here. And it's a lot of back and forth - but this is a great place to vent because it's a forum full of married people with long distance and immigration debacles. Few of my real world friends know much about those things.

[TBoneTX 43,326]

1. I wonder if there are points at which the emotional damage done is beyond repair or not. A point of no return so to speak. It seems to me that it is..

2. This isn't so much a trust issue for me as it is a falling out of love issue. I forgave her as soon as I knew how remorseful she was, and I'm confident she will never repeat the same mistake. The issue is not trust. The issue is that I don't forget as easily as I forgive, and that makes it difficult to look at her in the same light.. I used to worship the ground that this woman walked on - I don't anymore.

1. You said almost exactly what I was planning to say. When the emotional reservoir is empty, there's no refilling it except by moving on. Good things end, too.

2. Think carefully: Are you willing to spend any more time being married to a really good friend? Can you live in a marriage like that? Is the marriage true, genuine, and 100% in each direction?

The title of this thread is "This really sucks." I personally wouldn't stay in a marriage that sucked a lot less than "really."

Edited December 11, 2013 by TBoneTX

[Brian1967## 119]

OP ... I am going to say a few more things, and they are kind of harsh, so if the moderators will let have some "play" and know I am not attacking you.

It is your marriage bro, I think somewhere down the line you used these words "for sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, in good times and bad I take you to be my wife to have and to hold from this day forward till death do us part" What is up?

Live up to your end of the vows dude, I never advocate for divorce, even though I am divorced , I want you to do me a favor, if you read books go buy the following two books and watch this movie however you get your hands on it okay

Book one...a book called "The Love Dare" it is also a movie but in order for it to work, you have to follow the book, it may seem very Hollywood to do this, but the book works, where you think there is no love, there is, you would not be posting this Issue if you did still not have very strong feelings for this woman:)

Book Two... The 7 Promises of a Promise Keeper...both are faith based but have strong applications to how to live ones life, I am a man of strong faith but believe that any marriage can be fixed as long as there is an effort to put forth to fix it. I encourage you to not walk away yet and...what is they American saying "Double Down" on your efforts.

Also look for a movie called "The Ultimate Gift" a faith based movie but it is about a lot more than god and faith, if you are spiritual you get a ton out of it, if not you get a lot out of it on how to live life, if you have children both of the movies are great and children can watch The Ultimate Gift is really kind of a movie the whole family can watch, a great movie to cuddle with the wife and relax and learn at the same time.

the biggest problem I read in your posts is this word, not just for you but your wife ...ME, ME, ME, ME, ME a solid marriage is built on WE, WE, WE and not you are the only guilty party your wife has her own issues to address but from what is sounds like she is trying to work on this, in my thoughts the only way to fix it is work on the marriage together. I encourage you to not be so self centered and try following this word that a marriage is based on (please note people reading this post my laugh) but any real marriage must have true forgiveness to be successful in my thoughts. You not only have to forgive your wife but forgive yourself. None of us are perfect and I am sure that everyone on this site has had issues in their marriage, but a true marriage based on the following in my thoughts never fails " love know everything, love forgives everything, love does not take into account when it has been wronged" I think by reading what you posted you still have strong feelings for your wife otherwise you would have divorced and just "walked" as they say here.

I hope you, in the end you do not do what so many people do and view the marriage as "Oh well, it did not work, time to move on, I do not love the person anymore" it ends up on the pile of all the things our world now view as disposable, you marriage is not disposable and should be worth fighting for and working on. You as man or any man, must lead your heart, not listen to your heart and do the stupid thing called "follow your heart" I bet you look at it deep down isdie is what led to all the affairs anyway. But if you cannot afford the books PM and I will mail you copies. If you need anything please PM me I will answer.

[Brian1967## 119]

Jay, have couples made it back from the same set of circumstances, sure they have, I know several couples that have, You can do it bro: Both of you can do it, both of you! One couple I know, went through what your are going through now came back better stronger and they have better jobs than before and have a truly wonderful blessed life and you should never give up, it does not matter if another couple has been through the same thing really...can you and your wife make a strong comeback? That is up to both of you Jay, what another couple goes through, was that couples issue...and I am not a therapist but a restaurant manager, and when you do this for a living you see all kinds of things.

[Brian1967## 119]

Let me make one thing clear I advocate divorce in the following cases...abuse, excessive drinking, drug abuse

[Teddy B 17,251]

Jay Jay,

Speaking from my own experiences, once that feeling is gone, it's not coming back. I spent the last 5 years of a 17 year relationship trying to get that feeling back and it never came. I ended up getting angry with myself for waiting so long to get out of the relationship, and I came to dislike her even more over that time, but I had to give it everything I had before calling it quits.

I give you credit for sticking it out this far, I don't think I would have, given her infidelity. Some people can deal with that, some can't. You've had a very tough start to your marriage, that's a lot of hurt to overcome.

I'm sure your gut is telling you something, that's where I always turn for the final answer when the questions get really tough. Things may seem dire now, but just remember, you will meet someone else down the line if you choose to leave.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Jay, we corresponded a little earlier in the year about your problems. You've really been put through the wringer emotionally.

It is not abnormal to love your wife but not be in love with her (I know the feeling all too well) but as Teddy says the "in love" feeling probably isn't coming back. If you had caught the problem before the infidelity, before the disconnection, you probably would have had a great chance of making it work. If you want to proceed in the marriage, getting a good counselor is the only way to proceed. DIY isn't an option here -- you need to call in the professionals. I'm not saying it can't work, but it's going to be tough work, tough work that both of you are committed to doing. Speaking as someone who fought for her marriage for an entire year after an affair and separation, both parties need to be 100% bought into the idea of making the marriage work. My ex loved me and wanted in theory to be with me, but in reality he couldn't break away from the new relationship he had entered. I was doing all the work for both of us, while he sat in the therapy sessions being angry that a stranger was involved in our private affairs. Unsurprisingly, this didn't work.

I'll echo what Teddy said about trusting your gut here. There's no shame in divorce, especially if you've been together for quite a while and you've genuinely tried to make things work. There's also no dignity in soldiering on for years where there is no love and no prospect of healing. Only you know what is best for you. Courage, my friend.

Edited December 11, 2013 by the maven

[ir0nK1visa 2]

I have not read any of your other posts, but it appears there are some. Regardless, this statement from you is KEY ---> "I've come to the final conclusion that though I love her to death, she's not the woman I want raising my children, she's not the one I want to grow old with."

If you had not written that, I would have said go to therapy, try to work it out. Think about the other problems, that could arise from starting a family with someone you do not wish to, not a good idea at all.

In my case I wish we had gone to therapy and I was trying to discuss that with her, you can find my post somewhere. I did not and have not made it to the same conclusion as you, but after being accused of abuse(that did not take place) and a protective order being granted for two years with NO CONTACT - I do not have any other options, but to move on, as sad, disappointing as it might be.

Move on JayC, it is in YOUR best interest.

[sparkles_ 456]

Count your blessings that you haven't had children, and move on. You know your limits and if you can't get over it, you just can't, no shame. I occiasionally feel jealous about my ex as well but I have learned that doesn't mean I want him back. I spent over 7 years in a marriage with someone who slowly went from husband, to friend, to room mate over something he did and in the end we were pretty bitter with each other that someone didn't 'man up' and leave. Had we moved on sooner perhaps that wouldn't have happened. He bent over backwards as well and I couldn't get past it.

You deserve happiness, and you also aren't responsible for her happiness either....only your own.

[Jawaree 717]

Dude try therapy ...is she's trying so the trust issue cant be dealt

with also U both should seek some spiritual guidance, marriages

at times will go thru trials...its not all honey-moon, As a man the very

thought of her with someone else has turned U off, but its not the

only part to focus on....try a little tenderness.

Do U detest her so want no kids or life with her? IF u truly do then U

cannot 4give jer

Edited December 22, 2013 by Jawaree

[rlogan 2,036]

.

On paper, and from the outside, everything looks and seems dandy.

Hi jaycali. This is an example of delusion. On paper, from the outside, everything looks awful and your friends are telling you that. Here is another example of the same thing:

. I love this woman to death, but I am no longer in love with her.

That's ridiculous. Love her to death?! No, you don't love her. Usually this is the contradictory statement given by a spouse having an affair. It is a cruel, manipulative thing to do to a victim: on the one hand you say that you love them in order to give them false hope, but on the other hand you excuse the affair because after all, you don't love them.

I've come to the final conclusion that though I love her to death, she's not the woman I want raising my children, she's not the one I want to grow old with.

What you need to do is start stating reality the way it is instead of contradicting yourself in the same sentence. "I am a Christian atheist.. a Texan who has always lived in Florida... a Caucasian with both biological parents who are black..." etc.

You'll find that once you stop saying that black is white, all your confusion disappears. I've been at this a while and I am going to tell you that these will hardly be isolated incidents. As you look across your life you are going to find other instances where you make these black-is-white contradictions and you have to just stop doing it.

Edited December 22, 2013 by rlogan