Should I marry him or go back home?

[sosad 4]

Hi everyone and thanks for reading this. I´ve been a member for a while, but I am posting under a different user name because I don´t want to be recognized, it would be too embarrassing. Please understand.

My situation is this:

I came to the US a few weeks ago on a K1 visa. My fiance and I have been very much in love and had, what I thought was a healthy, functioning relationship. I was thrilled to finally be able to be with him and marry the „love of my life“. I gave up everything in my home country, a great job, my apartment, I sold almost everything I had. I thought it/he was worth it and I was excited to start my new life with him.

My world was shaken when I recently found out what my fiance had been doing behind my back during the past 8 months when I was not around:

• he had an ad running on craigslist in which he was looking for sex (exchanged pictures and messages with females, no evidence of ever meeting anyone in person and he denies it)

• he met a woman at a cafe (I don´t know who approached who) and after a conversation, they exchanged email addresses. They supposedly only exchanged a couple of emails and talked on the phone once

• throughout our relationship he kept in touch with several women he had met online supposedly before he even met me, and they were „just friends“

• he reached out to an ex

He says he did not have sex with anyone nor did he meet with anyone in person. He tried to explain to me how lonely he had felt after I had gone back to my home country and he was not able to see me for 8 months. He said he was under a lot of pressure because of his financial situation and he was not sure whether he was making enough money to support me (affidavit of support). Therefore, he kind of got cold feet due to all the responsibility.

I think what he is trying to say is that he felt weak and not like the man he wanted to be (a good provider), therefore he was looking for female attention to build up his self-esteem.

I don´t know if I should marry him and try to work things out or if I should go back home. We only have a few more weeks until my visa expires.

I almost believe him (about 80-90%) that he did not do anything physical with anyone. But the trust is broken and will be hard to rebuild. He agreed to go to counseling though. I have absolutely nothing to go back home to. I am so torn and hurt.

I would be grateful for any constructive input. ( Please no harsh comments, I know he is a pig and it hurts enough as is).

Let´s assume he did NOT actually have sex with anyone. Could you try to forgive the amount and types of female contacts that he had?

Also, a male perspective would be interersting: can you understand what lead him to do these things?

Thanks, guys.

[kayleighanddanny 7]

WOW So so sorry you discovered this after you're already there... Once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion. Even if he never had sex with anyone (which I doubt), he was still thinking about it and actively trying to get it by posting ads on craigslist. Don't make excuses for him and don't let him make excuses for himself. Are you willing to forget about all of this, put it in the past, and get married??? It would be hard.

[Pamala Bull 4]

this is tough , he new what he was doing what he was on craigslist looking for sex. no excuse!

once he put a ring on your finger he had to commit and stay faithful 100%.

Just cause he was lonely , well im sure you were loney and sad too but you didnt do looking for someone else.

you really need to talk to him more about it , did u find it out or did he tell you?

go with your heart

[Pitaya 2,576]

~Moved from K-1 Process to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits Forum~

~Inquiring about K-1 visa options~

(organizer hat off)

Agree, once a cheater always a cheater. You would do well to move back home and move on.

So sorry to hear your tale of woe.

Good luck.

[Ning 619]

WOW So so sorry you discovered this after you're already there... Once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion. Even if he never had sex with anyone (which I doubt), he was still thinking about it and actively trying to get it by posting ads on craigslist. Don't make excuses for him and don't let him make excuses for himself. Are you willing to forget about all of this, put it in the past, and get married??? It would be hard.

I agree. I suppose it would be ok as long as you will accept the fact that any time he has a low point of weakness you will accept the fact again. And then again.

Life brings highs and lows. My husband doesn't fill the low points with bedmates and I wouldn't be here if he did.

[cdneh 3,112]

I'd go home. Pretty much yesterday.

[Redflame2012 32]

I suspect you know the answer to your question...Personally, I would book a flight home and start my life again...If I was you, my trust in him would be gone...I would also have to ask myself if this man could be trusted with my future and the future of my children-to-be.,,, God bless!

[Dave&Roza 748]

My first question is, "How old is your finace?" If he is young and foolish, then you might be able to forgive him for being young and foolish. He had 8 months to think about the rest of his life while not being able to satify his sexual desires. For some men that is frightening as they decide to get married while having great sex, but once the sex fades they begin to wonder if they really want to get married or not.

It really comes down to whether you can forgive him and move on or will this be an issue forever and haunt your relationship. I was in a similar situation with another woman where she had a lisiting on a dating website while at the same time saying she wanted to be with me. Thankfully I did not have to make the choice as she broke up with me. Looking back on it, I would have had a hard time continuing the relationship. I realize you gave up everything to come to the US, but you need to be 100% sure that this man is the one for you. If there is any doubt, staying in the US would not be worth it. Maybe he has already made his decision and has yet to tell you.

So sorry this is happening to you, but you need to do what is best for you.

Good luck,

Dave

[Micasa 0]

Go home uy. Would u like that to happen in ur entire life?

If life is a choice we choose to be happy because life is to short

like me let me share my experience,

my fiance and i we have been chattng for 2 yrs behind my back he was stil with his ex they had intercourse which he got her pregnant, but i accepted him still.

when i got here in u.s he changed he got cold and i got depressed i sold my car i used my money i have nothing left..

Now he wants me to take care of his 1 yr old daughter, he doesnt want me to work for 4 yrs he ddnt gave me allowance he dont want me to support my family and for the record we had a fight in my first and second days that i stayed wth him talk about horrible? He wants me to spend my money to shop for clothes and laptop. Which thats for my savings and for the future so we always fight and he always shouts at me first 2 days in u.s i got depressed and sick cried whole night he was just sleeping and ddnt care.

so im leaving him! Because once we get married i will regret this for the rest of my life..

think about it. Run while u stil can?

but stil its up to u. I still love my family and the philippines so im goin back:-)tomorrow hehe

[kayleighanddanny 7]

Just realize if you stay with him you'll have what he did haunting you in the back of your mind for a longgg time. It will be hard to rebuild that trust. You will always be feeling like he is doing something behind your back, even if he isn't. It would be a very rocky relationship if you chose to stay in it.

[Darnell 8,478]

I vote (Is voting allowed?) -

--do not marry

--go back to your home country

--use your apartment sale proceeds to start over.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Hi everyone and thanks for reading this. I´ve been a member for a while, but I am posting under a different user name because I don´t want to be recognized, it would be too embarrassing. Please understand.

My situation is this:

I came to the US a few weeks ago on a K1 visa. My fiance and I have been very much in love and had, what I thought was a healthy, functioning relationship. I was thrilled to finally be able to be with him and marry the „love of my life“. I gave up everything in my home country, a great job, my apartment, I sold almost everything I had. I thought it/he was worth it and I was excited to start my new life with him.

My world was shaken when I recently found out what my fiance had been doing behind my back during the past 8 months when I was not around:

• he had an ad running on craigslist in which he was looking for sex (exchanged pictures and messages with females, no evidence of ever meeting anyone in person and he denies it)

• he met a woman at a cafe (I don´t know who approached who) and after a conversation, they exchanged email addresses. They supposedly only exchanged a couple of emails and talked on the phone once

• throughout our relationship he kept in touch with several women he had met online supposedly before he even met me, and they were „just friends“

• he reached out to an ex

He says he did not have sex with anyone nor did he meet with anyone in person. He tried to explain to me how lonely he had felt after I had gone back to my home country and he was not able to see me for 8 months. He said he was under a lot of pressure because of his financial situation and he was not sure whether he was making enough money to support me (affidavit of support). Therefore, he kind of got cold feet due to all the responsibility.

I think what he is trying to say is that he felt weak and not like the man he wanted to be (a good provider), therefore he was looking for female attention to build up his self-esteem.

I don´t know if I should marry him and try to work things out or if I should go back home. We only have a few more weeks until my visa expires.

I almost believe him (about 80-90%) that he did not do anything physical with anyone. But the trust is broken and will be hard to rebuild. He agreed to go to counseling though. I have absolutely nothing to go back home to. I am so torn and hurt.

I would be grateful for any constructive input. ( Please no harsh comments, I know he is a pig and it hurts enough as is).

Let´s assume he did NOT actually have sex with anyone. Could you try to forgive the amount and types of female contacts that he had?

Also, a male perspective would be interersting: can you understand what lead him to do these things?

Thanks, guys.

"the trust is broken and will be hard to rebuild"

This to me is the death kneel.

Everything else is forgivable if you choose to do that.

In your case I think you want to go back home and you probably should.

Can you work it out and can it be worked out? Yes you can and it can if you want to.

Good luck.

[CaroSL 68]

Hi everyone and thanks for reading this. I´ve been a member for a while, but I am posting under a different user name because I don´t want to be recognized, it would be too embarrassing. Please understand.

My situation is this:

I came to the US a few weeks ago on a K1 visa. My fiance and I have been very much in love and had, what I thought was a healthy, functioning relationship. I was thrilled to finally be able to be with him and marry the „love of my life“. I gave up everything in my home country, a great job, my apartment, I sold almost everything I had. I thought it/he was worth it and I was excited to start my new life with him.

My world was shaken when I recently found out what my fiance had been doing behind my back during the past 8 months when I was not around:

• he had an ad running on craigslist in which he was looking for sex (exchanged pictures and messages with females, no evidence of ever meeting anyone in person and he denies it)

• he met a woman at a cafe (I don´t know who approached who) and after a conversation, they exchanged email addresses. They supposedly only exchanged a couple of emails and talked on the phone once

• throughout our relationship he kept in touch with several women he had met online supposedly before he even met me, and they were „just friends“

• he reached out to an ex

He says he did not have sex with anyone nor did he meet with anyone in person. He tried to explain to me how lonely he had felt after I had gone back to my home country and he was not able to see me for 8 months. He said he was under a lot of pressure because of his financial situation and he was not sure whether he was making enough money to support me (affidavit of support). Therefore, he kind of got cold feet due to all the responsibility.

I think what he is trying to say is that he felt weak and not like the man he wanted to be (a good provider), therefore he was looking for female attention to build up his self-esteem.

I don´t know if I should marry him and try to work things out or if I should go back home. We only have a few more weeks until my visa expires.

I almost believe him (about 80-90%) that he did not do anything physical with anyone. But the trust is broken and will be hard to rebuild. He agreed to go to counseling though. I have absolutely nothing to go back home to. I am so torn and hurt.

I would be grateful for any constructive input. ( Please no harsh comments, I know he is a pig and it hurts enough as is).

Let´s assume he did NOT actually have sex with anyone. Could you try to forgive the amount and types of female contacts that he had?

Also, a male perspective would be interersting: can you understand what lead him to do these things?

Thanks, guys.

Are you a hundred percent sure about the craiglist thing?

The most important question is, what do you feel? Do you feel up to living with a man you don't trust.

I've seen my ex once when I was in my home country. It was a matter of pride. Knowing that I could see him and be ok made me feel stronger than ever. My point with this is that we can't tell you to go home because he talked to his ex. But you can. Because you have more information, because you know exactly what you feel. Listen to this. The deep, core, feeling is right. If you have to leave and go back to nothing, do it. Don't stay for this, you would only be delaying things. But if you really think you can trust him back, if you really still want to spend your life with him, stay.

What does your best friend say? I believe for such an important decision her/his opinion would be more valuable than ours...

I wish you all the best, and I hope you get better. you must be heart broken and I am sorry...

[Exocet 88]

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Her man moved to a new province, and she decided to move there too. He kept telling her to wait, he hadn't found a good job, a good place, etc. It was dragging on and on. 6 months later, she finally moved to be with him--but right away, he confessed that he had been meeting women on dating sites. She was devastated, but decided to move in anyway. He secretly kept meeting women for months even after she moved there. When she found out, she really went nuts. But for some reason, instead of dumping him and moving on, she took the insanely insecure route and forced him to marry her (he's really lame and will do anything if she yells at him).

So anyway now they are married.. and their entire marriage is about fighting. All the time they fight about the stupidest things.. because she doesn't trust him, and never has.

She used to be such a wonderful person, but by forcing herself to be in a relationship of mistrust and deceit, she has turned into a bitter, mean person.

If I were you, I would break it off and move back home. There is someone out there for you who will remain faithful to you, even during times where you aren't together.

Good luck!

[Browneyes86 4]

it's really hard to discover that someone playing behind your back,while you are planing to leave everything in

your home country for him,i will only tell you that yes it hurt but if you can try to give him another chance and see

how it works.

i wish both of you happiness.