Broken Hearted at the last possible moment

[Peter_Pan 661]

Additionally just for everyone's knowledge we are not that young. I am 30 and he is 31

At 30 you are still plenty young to find someone else to have a baby with, a stable partner that WILL be there when the going gets rough.

The way you expressed yourself in the initial post, I thought you were close to 34 and a half.

Neither of us can tell you what to do, nor should we impose our views on you (be them pro-life, pro-choice and everything in between). Personally, I believe he might have a change of heart, because of the sudden way in which he called it quits. Sounds like a major case of cold feet more than anything.

See your counselor and try to chose what it is best for YOU. Not for a clump of cells, not for your ex, for YOU.

[Penguin_ie 5,986]

***** several posts removed. This is not the thread for your religious or political judgements. Advice the Op in a constructive manner and do not bicker amongst yourself, or more thread bans will follow *****

[Jacque67 7,328]

Lots of hugs

[minimarja 3]

Dear Meg,

I'm so sorry for your situation, I can't imagine being betrayed like that by someone that you were about to get married to.

Every case is different, but I thought I'd share my experience. I, also, got pregnant unexpectedly and despite the fact that we used protection. My then-boyfriend, who is American, freaked out and broke up with me. He and his family insisted that I have an abortion, they belittled me and harassed me. Now, I'm a very pro-choice person, and think that everyone has the right to choose. And I decided that I alone had the right to choose, no one else's opinions mattered. I thought about things this way; which decidion could I live with? Would I be able to provide a good life for my child despite being alone? I didn't think about my ex anymore, he had shown his true colors when he dumped me. His opinions were now worthless, it was me and the embryo I had to think about.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is remove your ex from the equasion and think about what's best for you and the unborn.

I realized the best thing for me was to have this wonderful surprise baby and I have never regretted it for a second. I figured out my finances and decided I could afford to too. I also knew I was strong enough to deal with things alone. In the end, I didn't have to be alone; I'm now married to a wonderful man and we are raising our daughter together. My ex is nothing but a bad dream, although I'm ever so grateful that he gave me such a wonderful gift.

I wish you much strenght in your difficult decision. You alone know what's best for you and the unborn.

Edited August 11, 2013 by minimarja

[Chez&Rick 11]

To OP: Forget him, he is not worth it. What matters most is you and your baby. Just pray to God and everything will follow.

sheesh.. what's the matter if someone advised her not to get an abortion? It's their advice, not yours. give one of your own if you want to, its free. People can be too nosey.

Edited August 11, 2013 by RickandChez

[LoveMyTico 999]

Dear Meg,

I'm so sorry for your situation, I can't imagine being betrayed like that by someone that you were about to get married to.

Every case is different, but I thought I'd share my experience. I, also, got pregnant unexpectedly and despite the fact that we used protection. My then-boyfriend, who is American, freaked out and broke up with me. He and his family insisted that I have an abortion, they belittled me and harassed me. Now, I'm a very pro-choice person, and think that everyone has the right to choose. And I decided that I alone had the right to choose, no one else's opinions mattered. I thought about things this way; which decidion could I live with? Would I be able to provide a good life for my child despite being alone? I didn't think about my ex anymore, he had shown his true colors when he dumped me. His opinions were now worthless, it was me and the embryo I had to think about.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is remove your ex from the equasion and think about what's best for you and the unborn.

I realized the best thing for me was to have this wonderful surprise baby and I have never regretted it for a second. I figured out my finances and decided I could afford to too. I also knew I was strong enough to deal with things alone. In the end, I didn't have to be alone; I'm now married to a wonderful man and we are raising our daughter together. My ex is nothing but a bad dream, although I'm ever so grateful that he gave me such a wonderful gift.

I wish you much strenght in your difficult decision. You alone know what's best for you and the unborn.

COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER ! ! especially the part about removing the EX from the equation..

I feel since he bailed. He doesn't get a vote !

[Meg and Danny 25]

At 30 you are still plenty young to find someone else to have a baby with, a stable partner that WILL be there when the going gets rough.

The way you expressed yourself in the initial post, I thought you were close to 34 and a half.

Neither of us can tell you what to do, nor should we impose our views on you (be them pro-life, pro-choice and everything in between). Personally, I believe he might have a change of heart, because of the sudden way in which he called it quits. Sounds like a major case of cold feet more than anything.

See your counselor and try to chose what it is best for YOU. Not for a clump of cells, not for your ex, for YOU.

He lalready is withdrawing the visa app. I don't think he's changing his mind.

[JD & Coconut 35]

Thank you everyone kindly. I still don't know what I am going to do. I told him if he really didn't want to be a father at this point(which I know he doesn't) That he needs to get himself on a plane, talk to me in person with our counsellor and escort me to the hospital next Friday and take some responsibility. He is doing so.

I still don't know if I will keep it or not. But I do have to decide relatively quickly(in the next week) as there is no other time for it to happen. I already tried to reschedule.

Additionally just for everyone's knowledge we are not that young. I am 30 and he is 31

Question: Do you really want to have "his" baby?

That is really the most important question you need to ask yourself.

And to all the posters telling her she should have the baby; are you willing to take care of that baby?

[Meg and Danny 25]

Question: Do you really want to have "his" baby?

That is really the most important question you need to ask yourself.

And to all the posters telling her she should have the baby; are you willing to take care of that baby?

I am concerned for the fact that he will not be a part of the child's life. I am concerned that someone I loved and trusted implicitly could turn their back on me, right before such a momentous event in my life.

But, he is intelligent and ambitious. I am intelligent and kind. If the baby could get equal doses of it all, as I've told him in conversations he has apparently long forgotten we were excited to have a child of our own, because blended together she/he would get the best of both worlds.

[Brian1967## 119]

Wow....my heart breaks for you and I am so sorry for everything that is happening.

[JD & Coconut 35]

I am concerned for the fact that he will not be a part of the child's life. I am concerned that someone I loved and trusted implicitly could turn their back on me, right before such a momentous event in my life.

But, he is intelligent and ambitious. I am intelligent and kind. If the baby could get equal doses of it all, as I've told him in conversations he has apparently long forgotten we were excited to have a child of our own, because blended together she/he would get the best of both worlds.

Well then, it sounds like you have already made your decision.

[MFC87 2]

I hope God make this part of your life easy for you. As for you baby, talk to some of the single parent you know or your family members know. Explain them your situation and ask them what they think you should do. I know a couple of single mothers and I know how their life is. I wouldn't want anyone to have that kind of lifestyle. At the same time, I am not a big fan of abortion specially after first 40 days.

My (ex) fiancé, and our petitioner broke up with me on Thursday night, over the phone.

When we filed back in march, I asked him to be SURE this is what he wanted. I didn't want to wind up having a change of mind half way into it and break my heart. I asked him that because I've been hurt a number of times by men who say one thing and do another in the past. He calmed my nerves and told me he couldn't see his life with anyone but me.

To say that its been smooth sailing the whole time would be a lie. But it hasn't been detrimental either. I insisted we go to premarital counselling if he was serious in order to have the tools to make our relationship and marriage successful. In counselling among other things, it was discovered we were a very good match(both on paper according to their very long expectations and history quiz) and in practice. The one area we really had to work on was his ability to be empathetic and kind when dealing with sensitive topics. and for me to manage my expecatations knowing it was hard for him.

He has been here for a week about every 5 weeks and two in dec/jan and ALL of june.

almost three weeks ago, we found out that I was pregnant. Despite being on birth control the whole time. I took it religiously. We made the decision to terminate and the procedure was eventually booked for next week. Our reasons were simple, it was a large transition period for the two of us, living together moving into a new home, not having a home of our own, not knowing what my earning potential and life will be like there. Fair enough, it made sense.

Obviously, for any of you that have been in my shoes, your hormones start to fluctuate, and I deliberately tried to focus on the hard parts of the early pregnancy in order to have mental fuel to do what I needed to do. I communicated this with him explicitly three times. I also told him a couple of times(most recently last Thursday)that I felt very lonely, having to go through this alone and that I needed him not to ignore the subject but give me some support and try to understand. Even a "there there" I would have accepted. Instead when I told him this he said I was being super emotional and complaint oriented. Amongst a few other choice words. I was very hurt and upset, and he just kept reiterating he wasn't going to apologize for saying the truth.
Note, he had NEVER apologized for anything he has ever said up until that point.

We didn't speak for a day and a bit. Then he contacted me acting as if nothing had ever happened. I said, I need you to address what happened and not ignore it. He again, missed the point and just kept repeating he wasn't going to apologize for saying the truth. I told him, again, that it wasn't that I needed an apology because it was a lie, I didn't care if it was the truth, it was just a terribly unkind thing for him to say. That it would be great if he could look up or ask me what I'm going through and maybe the procedure I would have to endure without him which scared and saddened me.

He decided to talk to two of his close friends, and after doing so, for the first time ever, apologized for what he said, said he felt terrible about the whole situation. Because his friends told him what he said was mean and inappropriate.

he went on to say how much he missed me and loved me and looked forward to our lives together. he posted on facebook a cute picture that we were a "match" of a little chameleon sitting on the end of a match stick and matching it's colour.

That was four days before he broke up with me.

The day of and the day before, he reiterated how much he loved me and we talked about the final things we were waiting for for our visa. Anxiously! The final step came on Thursday and I told him I expected to be able to pay the fee that day. He told me he called united airlines and was able to gift me his points so that I could take the plane to Vancouver free of charge.

That was an hour before he broke up with me.

I called him to say, my visa debit card didn't work on the site for payment of visa interview fee. He told me we should talk before I did that. And then proceeded to ramble about how we are just too different to make it work and are not the right person for each other.

This is how he left our whole relationship, and me, before an abortion. An abrupt phone call that made no sense, given everything else he said and everything we've been through. I don't know how long he was planning it. I don't understand it AT ALL.

What I do know is it is Saturday, and I feel utterly hopeless and alone. And the reason for termination of the pregnancy no longer exists. And now that I've wasted a year and a half of my life, 35(the limit for me wanting to have kids as I have a family history of down syndrome babies being born after that point) is coming very quickly and this may literally be my only chance to have a child of my own. Single parenthood was never something I wanted, but do I end a life needlessly? The person who was supposed to be my partner in everything has abandoned me. But it would mean having to have him in my life to some degree for the rest of my life. and given the circumstances I don't really want that either.

I'm shocked, I'm devastated. I returned our pet birds to their breeders(we had to file for a special permit for them, last week!). It has broken every shred of decency and trust and love that I think I had in me.

I feel hopeless and alone. And I don't want to feel anymore.

He begged me not to give up on him. I never did. He gave up on us. And for what? Because emotionally it was hard to be compatible? I don't understand at all.

[Chowking 20]

Please dont lose hope, God has better plan for you.

[LoveMyTico 999]

I hope God make this part of your life easy for you. As for you baby, talk to some of the single parent you know or your family members know. Explain them your situation and ask them what they think you should do. I know a couple of single mothers and I know how their life is. I wouldn't want anyone to have that kind of lifestyle. At the same time, I am not a big fan of abortion specially after first 40 days.

Like I stated before... I was a single mother to 3 children. 2 girls and 1 boy. They are the best 3 things that have ever happened to me. When I was raising them we didn't have a ton of extra money but if you have half a brain, you can work things out. We always went shopping, we always went out to eat as a treat. They always had the most up to date clothing and shoes ( and so did I and still do). i own my home and I have a car I did not graduate from college. I don't have the best paying job and I was laid off a few times during all that time...We always made it. My mother was the only person who ever babysat for me and that was only here and here. She was more than happy to help. All three went to daycare while I worked.

I just always made my kids the number one thing. I don't have any kind of relationship with their father. He was NEVER around. I never thought about the kids being "HIS" kids or do I want "HIS" kids. Of course I wanted them... It was always about me raising these kids to be the best people they can be. He walked away and I made the best life I could for them. I'm not saying a child doesn't need both parents because in a perfect world that is the best situation .... I am saying that when you get dealt a crappy hand, you have to eliminate the obstacles and do the best you can with what you have.

Abortion is a touchy subject. It is not ok for some and ok with others. It is a personal choice and nobody here should be telling anyone what they should or shouldn't be doing. Some people are not religious and some people do not believe life begins a conception...

I believe that children are a gift. I know what I would do in her situation in a blink of an eye but its not for me to tell anyone what to do. I just want her to know that there is always a way to work things out. You have to do what is right for you. Only you know what you can live with.

[rascalcat 28]

Like I stated before... I was a single mother to 3 children. 2 girls and 1 boy. They are the best 3 things that have ever happened to me. When I was raising them we didn't have a ton of extra money but if you have half a brain, you can work things out. We always went shopping, we always went out to eat as a treat. They always had the most up to date clothing and shoes ( and so did I and still do). i own my home and I have a car I did not graduate from college. I don't have the best paying job and I was laid off a few times during all that time...We always made it. My mother was the only person who ever babysat for me and that was only here and here. She was more than happy to help. All three went to daycare while I worked.

I just always made my kids the number one thing. I don't have any kind of relationship with their father. He was NEVER around. I never thought about the kids being "HIS" kids or do I want "HIS" kids. Of course I wanted them... It was always about me raising these kids to be the best people they can be. He walked away and I made the best life I could for them. I'm not saying a child doesn't need both parents because in a perfect world that is the best situation .... I am saying that when you get dealt a crappy hand, you have to eliminate the obstacles and do the best you can with what you have.

Abortion is a touchy subject. It is not ok for some and ok with others. It is a personal choice and nobody here should be telling anyone what they should or shouldn't be doing. Some people are not religious and some people do not believe life begins a conception...

I believe that children are a gift. I know what I would do in her situation in a blink of an eye but its not for me to tell anyone what to do. I just want her to know that there is always a way to work things out. You have to do what is right for you. Only you know what you can live with.

Exactly! Well said!