Leaving Your Children

[His karma 20]

I know there are other parents out there that are making this increadably difficult choice to leave at least one child with thier Ex partner/Husband. I thought it might be nice to have a place to discuss how you are coping with this decision and what you are doing to make the transition easier for yourself and your children.

Myself, I have three children, two of whom have chosen to stay with their father for various reasons. My youngest wants to come with me, but I am still waiting for my ex husband to sit down and discuss things with me. I know it won't be an easy discussion. It is also a decision that is the most difficult I have ever had to make. I have family members that think I am abandoning my children or chosing my happiness over theirs. This isn't the case at all, infact it is the opposite. I am giving my children the option and two would rather stay, continue in the schools they are in, with their friends, family and current activities rather than move to a whole new country with a completly different school system, none of the activities they participate in and having to make new friends.

I look forward to meeting others in the same situation.

Cheers

[Flaxen 2]

I know there are other parents out there that are making this increadably difficult choice to leave at least one child with thier Ex partner/Husband. I thought it might be nice to have a place to discuss how you are coping with this decision and what you are doing to make the transition easier for yourself and your children.

Myself, I have three children, two of whom have chosen to stay with their father for various reasons. My youngest wants to come with me, but I am still waiting for my ex husband to sit down and discuss things with me. I know it won't be an easy discussion. It is also a decision that is the most difficult I have ever had to make. I have family members that think I am abandoning my children or chosing my happiness over theirs. This isn't the case at all, infact it is the opposite. I am giving my children the option and two would rather stay, continue in the schools they are in, with their friends, family and current activities rather than move to a whole new country with a completly different school system, none of the activities they participate in and having to make new friends.

I look forward to meeting others in the same situation.

Cheers

Thanks for posting this. My 2 girls are in their twenties but it is still a hard choice to leave the. Ido have hopes they may consider joining us later in the US as they both have visited and love it in Oregon. I am however leaving grandsons (4 & 8) that live real close. Some of my family ( not the girls) also struggle with my leaving" how can you?".... And yes there are days when I think that too.. Especially when I sit around the dinner table with them all watching their interacting, or special times.... Hard decisions indeed.

[lynndy38 64]

Thankyou for this really brave thread.

My 14 year old son wants to stay in the UK with his dad,after nearly 5 years of Trans-Atlantic flights and being separated from my husband most of the time I am finally moving over to the USA in about 4 weeks. My son has been very grown up about it and tells me he wants me to be happy, after seeing me so sad for such a long time. My parents are supportive too and will be bringing him over for visits. My husband knows that if I'm needed by my son I will need a flight home ASAP and hes very supportive of that. Its going to be the most difficult decision I have ever made,my son adores his father and has a great life in the UK I wouldn't dream of taking him away from all that just because society expects the children to always be with their mothers. In a few years my son will be starting to live his own life,hopefully as I'll be in the US I will be able to open doors for him and offer him more opportunities too

[perfect 39]

I had been a single parent for 14 years when I met my SO and thought about moving here. My son being 15 at the time was in two minds about coming to the US but decided to stay behind to finish school in the UK, rather than having to do 2 more years in school in the US system. Hard as it was, I think we both benefitted from that decision. He felt he had some in-put in the decision and I enjoyed time being a newly wed with my new husband. I let my son decide how much he wanted to speak by phone or Skype so as to minimise any feelings of sadness or loss or whatever a 15 year old might feel. He grew up a lot during this time and it was absolutely the best decision we made. Generally I have no regrets about it, although I did have to grow a very thick skin and learn not to care or be influenced by other people's feeligs about it. Unless they have walked in your shoes they are not qualified to comment on your decision.

[NikLR 13,220]

My daughter has also decided to stay with her Dad in Canada. He's a very active father and I think in the past year he's had a lot of growing up to do. Suddenly he can't just be the "fun dad." She lives with him right now as well because we both felt it made the transition of me moving out easier for her (especially since I didn't have a place to move to right away.) She had her room, her stuff, etc... She stays overnight 3 nights a week. He works a very steady 9-5 job and I don't so it also makes sense for her to have a bed in both places. Thankfully we're on good speaking terms. He's agreed that if she wants to come live with me and her step-dad that it's okay. We both feel she'd need to spend at least a year wherever she chooses because it can take that long to fit into someplace new. There won't be any bouncing back and forth!

It's really hard and I find I don't have a lot of support sometimes. I do the best I can, and have tried to prepare her for the eventual move with lots of conversation, some counselling for her, and trying to put a positive spin on it. I remind her that we have skype and emails as well as messaging. I tell her that I always love her. Nothing will lessen the guilt or sometimes the fear I have, I just have to trust in my decision and try to make it work the very best I can. I think that's all any of us can do no matter what.

[JustBreathe 22]

I am a single parent who has 50/50 custody of my son. My fiance does not have children, so they are the one moving to me. Under no circumstance would I leave my son for anyone until he is an adult capable of understanding the situation. In my case, my child's love trumps anything else under any circumstance. I am glad to have a finance who understands and agrees 100% that my child being able to develop with both parents in his life is the best situation for him and for us.

[NikLR 13,220]

This thread is not really for bashing other people for what they're doing. I understand that you're expressing your opinion but we tried to start it so that some people who have to make VERY difficult decisions in their lives, have some support of people who are also in the same boat. I do not love my child any less than anyone else. I love her enough to hope I'm doing something that makes her happy, by letting her keep living with her Dad. I am trying to do what makes her the happiest without sacrificing all that I am as well. I have seen how that works out. My MIL has nothing She has to live off the good will of other people. She put all she is into raising her two wonderful boys, but she is a shell of what she could be because she never stood up for herself ever. Even to her children because sometimes you need to.

My husband also loves my daughter very much. We both hope very much that she wants to live with us.

Edited March 2, 2013 by NikiR

[leenas 2]

I am a single parent who has 50/50 custody of my son. My fiance does not have children, so they are the one moving to me. Under no circumstance would I leave my son for anyone until he is an adult capable of understanding the situation. In my case, my child's love trumps anything else under any circumstance. I am glad to have a finance who understands and agrees 100% that my child being able to develop with both parents in his life is the best situation for him and for us.

Your fiance doesn't have any children but if he had its either you or him that would have had to make the decision or you would have had to live apart.

In my case i have 2 kids. A son and a daughter. My daughter came to the states with me when i first moved in with my fiance. she stayed for summer vacation but went back to Canada to live with her father. She is coming back down this summer as well. we keep contact by phone and by web cam (with FB). We talk just about every day. As for my son he talks to me once in a while but i have to give him time to adjust. My family also told me i was an insensitive mother and i only thought about my self and didnt think about my children. In my situation I do talk with my Ex. but he is very manipulative towards the children so it was better for me to move further away. I sometimes feel like i abandonned them but then i talk with my daughter and she knows she can come and live with me but its her decision to stay in Canada. It is very hard and im glad to see that im not the only one that made that decision. Im very happy to have found this thread. If you have any ideas on things that could be done to make it easier please share them it would help. As for me i am now in Florida so one thing that my daughter and i do is plan where and what we're going to be doing this summer. it helps to bring a little laughter and it seems like we arent that far apart.

Edited March 3, 2013 by leenas

[Ontarkie 13,917]

~~~~Thread Moved to Moving Here and Your New Life In America, from General Immigration-Related Discussion as this is not an Immigration question/discussion~~~~

[NikLR 13,220]

Ah thank you for putting it in the right spot. We weren't sure where it would fit.

[NikLR 13,220]

Your fiance doesn't have any children but if he had its either you or him that would have had to make the decision or you would have had to live apart.

In my case i have 2 kids. A son and a daughter. My daughter came to the states with me when i first moved in with my fiance. she stayed for summer vacation but went back to Canada to live with her father. She is coming back down this summer as well. we keep contact by phone and by web cam (with FB). We talk just about every day. As for my son he talks to me once in a while but i have to give him time to adjust. My family also told me i was an insensitive mother and i only thought about my self and didnt think about my children. In my situation I do talk with my Ex. but he is very manipulative towards the children so it was better for me to move further away. I sometimes feel like i abandonned them but then i talk with my daughter and she knows she can come and live with me but its her decision to stay in Canada. It is very hard and im glad to see that im not the only one that made that decision. Im very happy to have found this thread. If you have any ideas on things that could be done to make it easier please share them it would help. As for me i am now in Florida so one thing that my daughter and i do is plan where and what we're going to be doing this summer. it helps to bring a little laughter and it seems like we arent that far apart.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can. I think it's important to let children make some decision where they want to live. I know other people just go "they're children, decide for them" but how does that prepare them for life? It's not sunshine and butterflies. It's hard decisions that you have to make and stick to. I wasn't allowed to make this kind of decision as a child. My mom left when I was 18 months old. I lived with my dad only until I was 4. Then my step-mom moved in and she had 2 sons, one of which lived with his father because she sent him there. Eventually she figured out how get me kicked out and even though I didn't want to, I was forced to go live with my mom just before I turned 8. I ended up LOVING living with just my mom even though we went through some pretty rough times.

If my daughter was younger, there would probably be no choice. She would be with me. But at 10 years old, she can have some choice. Hopefully we can plan some fun stuff when she's here. I've tried to get her excited about camping, fishing, and all the cool new stuff we can do in Colorado together.

[Boiler 43,438]

As I did not have children it was an obvious call. If both of you do, then it is certainly something you need to consider in deciding how far you wish to take the relationship, there is rarely a good solution.

[His karma 20]

I am a single parent who has 50/50 custody of my son. My fiance does not have children, so they are the one moving to me. Under no circumstance would I leave my son for anyone until he is an adult capable of understanding the situation. In my case, my child's love trumps anything else under any circumstance. I am glad to have a finance who understands and agrees 100% that my child being able to develop with both parents in his life is the best situation for him and for us.

My fiance understands as well, but circumstances don't allow for him to move, and he has a daughter as well, so either we both wait for a minimum of 2 years, which I realize in the grand scheme of things isn't much, or one of us makes a sacrifice. I am not abandining my children and have talked extensively with them about it, and they do understand. It does make it easier when one party doesn't have kids, or things like pension, accessibility to future stability and such to worry about.

When we started out, my fiance only had holidays with his daughter, but that changed this christmas when his ex literally dumped his daughter with him, claiming she couldn't handle it any more and her daughter was no good. At least if my children choose to stay with their father, I know they are in a safe, loving environment and I can talk to them every day on skype, and visit them as often as I can afford to either fly there or fly them here.

Everyones situation is different and what is the right decision for one couple, may not be the same for another.

Thanks for moving the thread, I wasn't sure where to start it.

[carocaro 22]

I have a daughter in her twenties who I "left behind" and a son who stayed with me in the USA at 15. It is always complicated and only the parent making the decision and remarrying can truly understand just how much goes into that process and how much it still hurts to feel like you're leaving one child behind.

[GeoffroysGirl 8]

How could you leave your kid for a boyfriend/girlfriend??? Yes you are abandoning your child for your own happiness. If you are having trouble coping with this decision it is because your conscience is telling you that you are doing something incredibly selfish that will be very detrimental to your child's life and future.

How could you leave your kid for a boyfriend/girlfriend??? Yes you are abandoning your child for your own happiness. If you are having trouble coping with this decision it is because your conscience is telling you that you are doing something incredibly selfish that will be very detrimental to your child's life and future.