Cheating - What would you do?

[Mithmeoi 29]

I find one of the foundations of a good relationship is trust and without it you're on shaky ground.

If you can't trust him, end it now, save yourself some money and from heartache later.

[Shiobhan 235]

OP never said its a Jamaican, so how did another jump to this conclusion....funny it seem they have

overwhelming problems with honesty in their midst... thheres good and bad from every country, every

nationality is on here trying to dive in and stay in the US....lets not jump to silly conclusions .if you have glass-house dont throw stones.

My husband tells me it a'int no gypsies in Jamaica

Edited February 23, 2013 by Jihana

[rlogan 2,036]

I too, hired a detective to trace her steps on a night out. I spent $1,300 on that information and confirmed that she indeed was up to no good. I confronted her, said I forgave her and she was very, very "sorry". I continued the sponsorship, brought her to the US and it was a five year disaster.

Your detective did his job well. You just ignored the results.

You have left me speechless : X

I'm not marrying you.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I've been reading these forums for a few months now and I feel like I already know some of you. This is a lame first post but I had to join today to ask a question. I need some input.

I'm in long distance relationship with a man from the Caribbean (I don't want to specify which country). I'm pretty sure he's cheating on me. This might make me sound like a loser but I'm thinking of hiring a private investigator to confirm or deny my suspicions.

Has anyone ever done this before? How much would you pay for this type of thing? I'm at a financial loss already if he's cheating on me but it would be worth a little extra dough to know for sure. :(

Take dibs on the middle!

[journeyinterupted 1]

I say do what you need to do in order to have peace of mind. Yes there are cheaters in every culture but these are the only types of relationships were one party has so much to gain from the other. Like it or not that is the reality and you should be careful. It was mean to say she has self esteem issues. I was very suspicious at first because this was very different from any type of relationship I had and I had heard all of the horror stories. I trusted my then fiancé but was still just generally suspicious and worried that I would be used for a greencard. Again I know cheating happens everywhere and in the US but some of the awful things that these people do to other to gain financially or to get to the US is just sickening. So many stories I know of personally and it still just defies anything I have ever seen in my life.

I wouldn't hire a detective in his country if it is the country I think it is. The person could take your money and never be heard from again. I have known people that paid attorneys or other professionals for services and they took their money and did nothing.

I agree with a previous post to maybe show up for a surprise visit. You might also try surprising them with a new phone that allows you to monitor the call logs online from the US. I have known several people personally in situations where the man had more than one woman from different countries or states. It doesn't matter if he has introduced you to family or friends because they are not going to rat him out. They have one woman there one week and another woman the next week and everyone including family goes along.

I am not ignorant enough to generalize and say that every man from this country is corrupt but I do believe you have to be careful in some countries more than others. Even USCIS knows this and labels some countries as high fraud countries for a reason. Sorry if it offends some but there is a significant segment of the primarily male population engaging in such activities and giving the rest of the country a bad rap. I pray it doesn't happen to anyone but you have to be smart, follow your gut and be a bit more diligent. Yes long distance relationships are hard and require a lot of trust. But in my opinion if my fiancé lives across the country or two states over being in the US allows me to check them out a bit easier. Being in another country and in a country were many turn a blind eye because they benefit adds an entirely different level.

I don't mean to be negative but this is serious business. You have a lot to loose financially and emotionally if you end up with one of the bad eggs. They are serious manipulators and you end up broken down emotionally. Listen to your gut.

[Peter_Pan 661]

OP never said its a Jamaican, so how did another jump to this conclusion....funny it seem they have

overwhelming problems with honesty in their midst... thheres good and bad from every country, every

nationality is on here trying to dive in and stay in the US....lets not jump to silly conclusions .if you have glass-house dont throw stones.

My husband tells me it a'int no gypsies in Jamaica

That's my intuition, that he is Jamaican. And let's stop with the PC, shall we, "there's good and bad in every country", you don't say, and the sun comes up from the east, doesnt it? Truth of the matter is that there are countries that have a certain frame of mind, another culture and another outlook on life and, at times, that might clash with what another culture considered correct and fair. If you think the whole world sees an issue in the same way, you are in for a shock.

No, there are no gypsies in Jamaica, they tend to like rich countries, no use in leeching on a shriveling cow.

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

That's my intuition, that he is Jamaican. And let's stop with the PC, shall we, "there's good and bad in every country", you don't say, and the sun comes up from the east, doesnt it? Truth of the matter is that there are countries that have a certain frame of mind, another culture and another outlook on life and, at times, that might clash with what another culture considered correct and fair. If you think the whole world sees an issue in the same way, you are in for a shock.

No, there are no gypsies in Jamaica, they tend to like rich countries, no use in leeching on a shriveling cow.

Didn't you'll need a co-sponsor for your petiion?

[RFQ 110]

Point blank- if you are needing to consider hiring a PI at this stage in the game, just move on. Its a violation of trust on your part to spy on him = bad. Its bad if you are considering this next step if you don't have 100% trust already established. Even the strongest relationships have failed. Love doesn't happen just once in a lifetime. There are great partners out there-- someone that will move your world and theirs to be with you-- someone who won't let you doubt, and someone you can share your doubts with. When you find that person, you won't be here asking the VJ world for advice on spying.

If the foundation is shaky, this building is going to fall. Its only a matter of time.

[Jahwaree 83]

Yow this site tend to really bring out the prejudices at times LOL...sad, but contrary to popular beliefs Jamaica has no shriveling

cows and a few years ago some gypsies were in Jamaica but had to leave so gweh goh jook yuh muma, In every country there's shame

disgrace and infidelity by some,so lets not real out hate or prejudices here ppl...its not nice, there are many in Jamaica living

well with no desire to live in the USA

[InHisTime 110]

I've been reading these forums for a few months now and I feel like I already know some of you. This is a lame first post but I had to join today to ask a question. I need some input.

I'm in long distance relationship with a man from the Caribbean (I don't want to specify which country). I'm pretty sure he's cheating on me. This might make me sound like a loser but I'm thinking of hiring a private investigator to confirm or deny my suspicions.

Has anyone ever done this before? How much would you pay for this type of thing? I'm at a financial loss already if he's cheating on me but it would be worth a little extra dough to know for sure. :(

Hello Girl, I have read your posts, as well as the responses of good VJ members. I think before you made this post, you already have given enough time to work out with your relationship. Any relationship whether LDR or just within your eye limits -- it's really not easy to manage. It takes two to work it out that is why it is called relationship. Trust is built from respect and sincerity. Yes, you may hire a PI to watch over him and exactly provide concrete evidences that you expect to hear, but are you ready to walk away and move on ? I had been cheated before and it was really very exhausting. Most of the cheaters they do it over and over again. It's like a very bad habit. I hired a PI just to get actual evidences and I understand out of anger we want to know the truth. But I have learned my lessons well, and next time I won't ever hire again. I'd rather just walk away and move on and offer it to God for He knows what is best for me. God knows everything -- He sees us all, so just trust Him completely. It seems right now you are still not married with him. Thank God, for you have known this thing before marriage. He is not the right man for you. If you aren't happy with him now, the more you get miserable when you two got married. I have learned that most of the problems in marriages were already have shown up early on the relationship, even before engagement. However, since most of us become blind because of love, we tend to not dwell on the red flags and so after marriage we experience same problems all over again. It maybe the right love but wrong person. There are things that we have to realize and stand firm before it drained us. If we truly love, then let set him free. I'm sure you will be over this soon. Just take care of yourself and stay beautiful. You never know there is someone much better for you. Honesty is important -- when you have it -- everything comes along with trust and respect. Don't dwell on this #######. Life offers so much goodness to enjoy and live up. God bless you.

Edited February 23, 2013 by InHisTime

[StephAnn2012 50]

'rlogan'"Your detective did his job well.  You just ignored the results." -

rlogan? What is your point? This OP asked a question. I gave an honest opinion and tried to steer her in a healthier direction than she is going now. I read your post to her.

"I often told my current wife that I had private investigators watching her. She'd tell me she knew and was giving them such great sex that they weren't going to rat on her."

I'm totally lost on how that was supposed to help her situation.

As far as ignoring the investigator? Duh -- that was my whole point! I was obsessed with the hunt - living for the information and discovery of betrayal, lies and infidelity. That is what happens to many people who lose themselves in unhealthy relationships.

But at least my posts are an attempt to help another.

I'm totally lost as to what you were trying to accomplish with your posts to her or to me.

[sarsorti 36]

I'm not marrying you.

No harm or judgement intended, just speechless. And apparently it is a blessing we aren't marrying each other since inshallah we are here because we already have our deeply loved and respected, not to mention TRUSTED, partners. Best of life and luck to you both. Edited February 23, 2013 by sarsorti

[sarsorti 36]

That's my intuition, that he is Jamaican. And let's stop with the PC, shall we, "there's good and bad in every country", you don't say, and the sun comes up from the east, doesnt it? Truth of the matter is that there are countries that have a certain frame of mind, another culture and another outlook on life and, at times, that might clash with what another culture considered correct and fair. If you think the whole world sees an issue in the same way, you are in for a shock.

No, there are no gypsies in Jamaica, they tend to like rich countries, no use in leeching on a shriveling cow.

Just to stray off topic for a sec, the sun, actually, DOES NOT rise in the east, the Earth just happens to be rotating in that direction at that moment in time. The truth of the matter is we are all human and as such we tend to judge and stereotype others based on overloads of misinformation or just plain old ignorance. That doesn't make it right, and it doesn't necessarily mean ppl are bad, but if you know better then you should try to do better. As someone posted early, we should refrain from throwing stones at glass houses.

[rlogan 2,036]

Best of life and luck to you both.

And the same to you both.

StephAnn2012, there is an implied logical fallacy of "I obsessed so therefore don't hire a detective". Obviously I don't agree since I have hired detectives and used the information to make decisions.

I agree with others that if the point is to throw it in his face, then just move on and don't waste time and money.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

If you do decide to hire an investigator I hope you will tell the person to be spied upon the results either positive [that is: no evidence of cheating was found] or negative [that is: they got caught cheating]. That way the person knows either:

• They got caught out and that is the reason for you leaving them. OR
• You spied upon them and that person has a chance to make a decision upon the fact that you spied upon them and found nothing.

I am in the opposite camp on this matter from the poster I quoted. If I was the one upon whom you spied and I knew about it before I immigrated/married you; I would terminate any relationship we had. It is my opinion that having someone spy on me is a complete lack of faith and trust in me. I have zero desire to be in a life long relationship with someone that has neither faith or trust in me. And really all you have proven by spying on me is your true nature and potentially the fact that I was not cheating at the time of the spying. Which does not preclude me from cheating/having cheated at other times.

If I didn't find out about it until after the marriage it would be a much more difficult situation because by that time I would have changed my whole life you, but I am still inclined to think that I would want to terminate the relationship.

And it's really that simple for me.

Life's too short to be spent with a paranoid person with a low self esteem.