Been here two weeks and its soooo hard .....

[*Snowdrop* 603]

Hi - this sounds very like my experience of moving here. I gave up a relatively high powered job in London and moved to a log cabin in Virginia. My husband works in DC so he is gone from 6am in the morning until usually 7.30pm at night and sometimes later. I used to get up with him make him a breakfast and packed lunch to take to work, then have dinner waiting for him when he got home.

Having the Internet definitely helped - and then I tried to make a plan for each week to give myself some structure. I spent one day each week going into the city with my husband. At first I found an internet cafe and bookshop very near his office and took my laptop and spent the morning in there, met him for lunch and then did a little exploring and shopping in the afternoon met him for a drink after work or dinner before we went home. The other days of the week I organised so that one day I focused on home improvements (cleaning stuff out, moving furniture and stuff around), one day on looking for work and shining up my resume etc and planning for interviews etc, one day on making new contacts and friends (looking for online groups to chat to, looking for local meetup.com groups, calling wives and girlfriends of my husband's friends and inviting them over for coffee etc) and then one day catching up with friends and family back home (writing letters, emails, Facebook messages etc) That covered the full five working days of the week and the structure made me feel as though I wasn't just waiting for him to get home. And each time I went into the city I felt more and more comfortable.

I started a huge vegetable garden and by summer when we were eating the fruits of my labour I also felt as though I was contributing to the family budget.

Four years on I still have days where I feel like a stranger in the US and am surprised at how different something is to the UK but it definitely has started to feel like home. Took a while though so don't beat yourself up if you feel a bit lost after only 2 weeks.

[cathy2904 97]

Wow, great advice.

[True Brit 10]

Hi - this sounds very like my experience of moving here. I gave up a relatively high powered job in London and moved to a log cabin in Virginia. My husband works in DC so he is gone from 6am in the morning until usually 7.30pm at night and sometimes later. I used to get up with him make him a breakfast and packed lunch to take to work, then have dinner waiting for him when he got home.

Having the Internet definitely helped - and then I tried to make a plan for each week to give myself some structure. I spent one day each week going into the city with my husband. At first I found an internet cafe and bookshop very near his office and took my laptop and spent the morning in there, met him for lunch and then did a little exploring and shopping in the afternoon met him for a drink after work or dinner before we went home. The other days of the week I organised so that one day I focused on home improvements (cleaning stuff out, moving furniture and stuff around), one day on looking for work and shining up my resume etc and planning for interviews etc, one day on making new contacts and friends (looking for online groups to chat to, looking for local meetup.com groups, calling wives and girlfriends of my husband's friends and inviting them over for coffee etc) and then one day catching up with friends and family back home (writing letters, emails, Facebook messages etc) That covered the full five working days of the week and the structure made me feel as though I wasn't just waiting for him to get home. And each time I went into the city I felt more and more comfortable.

I started a huge vegetable garden and by summer when we were eating the fruits of my labour I also felt as though I was contributing to the family budget.

Four years on I still have days where I feel like a stranger in the US and am surprised at how different something is to the UK but it definitely has started to feel like home. Took a while though so don't beat yourself up if you feel a bit lost after only 2 weeks.

I can only say 'wow' like you Cathy! Lynne I am totally in awe!!

[Rachie07 4]

I moved here in September and I am going through exactly the same thing. We live in a little town in Colorado, there are no local coffee shops in walking distance and I am very dependant on my husband for everything which in itself is difficult as back home I was very independant.

I miss home so much, I only just moved out of home (I never moved out in the UK) to come and live here and I am really struggling. My family in England are very close knit and in MK it was so easy to jump on a bus or train for a day out/go shopping/get out/visit family and friends. My husband's family arent close and I only really get on with one side of his family so I am also dependant on them to have social contact outside my husband and to get to doctors appointments which I feel guilty about tremendously. I have a 6 week old son and I can say without my son I would probably have gone insane by now.

I am hoping that I will be able to take my driving test (driving lessons are expensive here so I am reliant on my husband to have time to take me driving) and go back to work which should provide me with something similar to what I was used to at home (Starbucks is Starbucks) but I still have mixed feelings about this move. I too, have felt I am being ungrateful but I try and think about the HUGE adjustment I have made and that this may at some point be home to me. I have tried to keep myself occupied when my baby is asleep by watching TV shows I would watch in the UK. It sounds silly but it gives me something to talk about to my Mum on Skype (we sometimes watch TV together over the webcam). Family are agreeing dates to visit and in my head, I am thinking about arranging to go home for 3 weeks with my son next year. I try to do things that keep me close to home when I am so far away. I am expecting myself take a long time to adapt here as I have just moved out of home for the first time and until I am fully established here, I think I will feel homesick for quite some time which is natural.

[True Brit 10]

Bless you Rachie for your kind email. I do understand completely how you are feeling. The enforced reliance on someone if normally you are a fairly independent person is something you just cannot imagine unless you are in that situation. I am sure your son is a wonderful support for you, but at the same time a huge responsibility if you have no support network around to help. I also understand all the difficulties you have about learning to drive/more reliance on your husband etc. Any time you want to email or message me to have a chat just let me know - !!I will gladly share with you! Now amazingly I have just had a call from my husband to say he will pick me up soon to take me to a social function at his work so now I am going to get ready - things are looking up!! Very best wishes and thoughts to you xx

[AmberOctober 25]

It took me about a year to shake this feeling off. But my hubby was flying 20 days out of 30 and I was all alone without my DL at that time. Sometimes it really did feel like shooting myself would be the best for all

Thankfully, I had time for myself, lost 25 lbs (I got a treadmill and was exercising), eating smart, reading a lot, painting, etc., then started a small online business on eBay. Things became better but it took time... a long time! Some go thru these transitions easier than others.

I know you will be just fine

[jim & faith 0]

Wow.. you are truly right.. things we do for love.. You're lucky you aren't in an abusive relationship. Im sure you will find things to do and eventually get a hobby or a job that will keep you occupied. I have a friend who went thru all the same things for her visa and met her loving husband got married. when she came she had to deal with an alcoholic husband who was cheating on her too. the horror. then on top of that she had to adjust to america too. if you only knew the whole story then you would be grateful you didn't have to deal with all that #######.

[Birdysboy 5]

If lunch together is possible it is wonderful way to break up the day. I think we have missed 5 lunches together in 5 years. That little extra effort I made to get home every day has made our marriage much deeper and richer.

Tita and I talked about this prior to her coming here, it was hard for her then she started getting adjusted and she found a job she likes and made friends at church. She stays in touch with her family via the internet and calls her parents from time to time. She gardens, and recently we got a little train set that we both like.

I am hopeful you find something meaningful to pass your time.

[fancygirl 1]

Oh my goodness all these kind replies! Thank you so much - I truly do appreciate your taking the time to respond. No, at the moment I do not have access to transportation - my husband has this huge, old, classic Lexus which he adores and I would never be allowed to drive it. He works in the city and when he has driven me there I have been cringing at the amount of traffic. Although I have lived in London, I never drove there either but I am fine in quiet roads in suburban areas or country roads. Surprisingly enough, there are no local buses either - just the little yellow school buses. It seems that everything is geared to transportation - volunteering (because I would have to get there), shopping, exploring, joining clubs. Yes I could go into the City with my husband and be there from early morning until late at night but, and I know this must sound pathetic, I would be far too scared to be there for so long by myself with my feeling so lacking in confidence at the moment. So it seems like I will have to acquire a car, somehow and maybe pay a driving instructor to take me around until I get used to the roads. In the meantime, folks, I might just watch another episode of Homeland or American Horror Story but at least I will do so knowing people care enough to write to me and give me support. Thanks again!

How long have you been here? I am surprised he does not get you a little car to toodle around in, be able to go to the grocery store or library. Join some kind of women's group. You need to have this discussion with him. If the tables were turned he would be going crazy!

[bigdog 376]

Keep in touch with home using Skype or something similar, get out and try to meed new friends. Find a local Pub, play some darts. Love and Patience will prevail.

[newlyweds2010 208]

Hi everyone! I would be so glad to be able to share my feelings with people who have been/still are in a similar situation. I just hope I don't sound like a moaning, ungrateful woman! It just seems that after all the waiting, wading through paperwork, jumping through hoops to get approved; after all the stress of leaving family and friends and favourite possessions behind to get to the US to join my husband - I HAVE LANDED ON THE MOON!! My husband has a new, really demanding job and leaves the house at 6am - I always get up with him so that we can have a coffee together before he leaves. He arrives back around 7pm and I make sure I have dinner ready. I have no car at the moment and would probably be too scared to drive yet even if I had. There are no shops or any facilities within walking distance. The area is beautiful, the rental house is lovely and if I hadn't brought my two little dogs with me from the UK I think I would be hanging from a rope! I pleaded and threw my toys out of the pram until I got tv and the internet so I at least have this. But I have no idea how the US works - how to work out the new money thing - how to do a simple thing like buy a stamp and post a letter! I keep telling myself how lucky I am and trying to make the best of everything - the weather, for example, has been beautiful recently. Does anyone else remember feeling like this? Does it all come right in the end? I am a middleaged woman and had I been given the choice would rather not have made such a huge change later on in life. The things we do for love, eh? The trouble is that I am now beginning to feel apathetic and not wanting to do anything. Any fellow sufferers woes or good advice welcome!

I totally remember being like this for several months, and we were living in a crappy area with gang symbols and graffiti everywhere. Things will improve, eventually, give it some time.

[Sam and Fen 41]

Sorry for being so blunt but the bottom line is, if you want to survive in America you have to be able to drive period.

[hope2018 25]

I understand how you feel. I am from a very rural area in Vietnam. When I first came to America, I was scared of everything. My husband's family was nice and took turn to take me to work because I did not know how to drive. I failed driving test many times and it was very frustrated. I felt so lonely in US and it was really hard to socialize with people because my English was not great. I did not understand jokes or stories that people were telling. I took English classes and a few months later I was lucky to pass the exam to go to the university. I had no idea how I did it. I went to school and felt extremely stressful because of language barrier and culture shock. Everything was new to me. I felt like I looked really stupid in front of people and they thought I had no common sense. I could not remember the street names or I felt too scare to go to the store to buy things....anyway, I was lucky to find a job and worked as a cashier. I had to learn about the dollars. These little things seemed easy to everyone but I had to sit down and tried to figure the money out. I finally got it. People at my work laughed at me sometimes because I always looked so tense and nervous. I eventually passed the driving test, I started to feel comfortable at work, and my English improved quickly because I listened to lectures everyday at school and talked to customers at work daily. I have learned so much in 5 years since I came here. I promise you that things will get better and you will be more comfortable after a few years.

[Rezahoss 11]

Hi everyone! I would be so glad to be able to share my feelings with people who have been/still are in a similar situation. I just hope I don't sound like a moaning, ungrateful woman! It just seems that after all the waiting, wading through paperwork, jumping through hoops to get approved; after all the stress of leaving family and friends and favourite possessions behind to get to the US to join my husband - I HAVE LANDED ON THE MOON!! My husband has a new, really demanding job and leaves the house at 6am - I always get up with him so that we can have a coffee together before he leaves. He arrives back around 7pm and I make sure I have dinner ready. I have no car at the moment and would probably be too scared to drive yet even if I had. There are no shops or any facilities within walking distance. The area is beautiful, the rental house is lovely and if I hadn't brought my two little dogs with me from the UK I think I would be hanging from a rope! I pleaded and threw my toys out of the pram until I got tv and the internet so I at least have this. But I have no idea how the US works - how to work out the new money thing - how to do a simple thing like buy a stamp and post a letter! I keep telling myself how lucky I am and trying to make the best of everything - the weather, for example, has been beautiful recently. Does anyone else remember feeling like this? Does it all come right in the end? I am a middleaged woman and had I been given the choice would rather not have made such a huge change later on in life. The things we do for love, eh? The trouble is that I am now beginning to feel apathetic and not wanting to do anything. Any fellow sufferers woes or good advice welcome!

I think it's the place you are living that is the problem. If you lived in a city like Boston, you would not have to go through this. Anyhow, I am sure things will get better soon. At least you speak the language! When I came to this country I did not speak any English and I felt the same way you are felling now. But things improve! Hang in there and try to stay positive! The Future is open wide!

Edited December 4, 2012 by Rezahoss

[Permacyclists 0]

I went through the same experience when settling down in Europe to live with my wife - where I was at home and at a loss while she was out with her demanding job. My only advice is to be patient, it takes time to get settled in to a new country and culture. Your frustration is totally healthy and normal. It will get better, but keep in mind that it's not a question of days, it's a question of months. Just keep a long perspective and keep trying to get out and meet people, and you'll be fine in the end. Hang in there!