I asked him to leave. Best decision ever...

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Sometimes the cultural divide will never be overcome. I know many Nigerian men that think they will go out and play and a good wife should be home fixing dinner. I have been about your whole process. Good luck at the next phase.

[david'sgirl 134]

HELLOOOO VJ,

This post is made for those who have gotten to know me over the years, since 2007 to be exact. For those who have followed my story since I married my nigerian husband back in 2007. Those who read of the indiscretions and the hard times, and watched me forgive him since he stated he would not make that mistake again and promised transparency in the marriage from here on. Well thing got better for a while but within time, things began to go back to what got us in the mess we were in from the start of the affair. In all fairness, I did NOT catch him red handed again, however I am no fool at 41 years old. You know what Ladies, he could not meet up to the requirements of being a loving, honest, trustworthy, responsible husband. Someone posted something recently about lacking affection, lacking concern, being secretive about his life outside of the home. Yes, those were all the things that he continued to struggle with even after we decided to give it another go round. He said he loved me when I asked and promised not to leave, which he never did. That's the part that baffled me, this man did not want to act like a husband but yet he refused to leave the home. He got his 10 yr greencard some time ago so that wasn't the issue. To this day, I honestly feel that he felt it was acceptable to have a loving wife at home but OK to behave like a single man. It's almost like he wanted th best of both worlds. Well...... I'm sorry ladies, I deserve better. You see, I didn't come from a home where love was lacking. My mother gave me unconditional love day and night. So when I began to see how lonely I felt inside, how miserable I had become and how my childen must have felt watching their so called step Dad come in and out whenever he wanted without a word spoken, how he would be unaccounted for several hours, I knew I had to step up and set a fine example if not for me for my lovely children. They accepted this man into the home based on their trusting my decision and the fact that he called them regularly when in africa and promised to teach them soccer, prepare nigerian dishes, hangout and just be a good friend to them. Instead, he lied, cheated and was very disrspectful in his behavior toward me. What kind of message would I be sending to my son and daughters. To my son, is this how a man should treat hs wife? NO. To my daughters, Is this how a man should treat you? NO. So for all these reasons I asked him to leave and I will tell you this man did NOT leave without a fight. I had to call in the troops, literally, the troops meaning my brothers. I'm not sure why he wanted to remain here when he was NOT loving me or the kids the way he had promised in Nigeria. So to the question asked by someone, do they change when they get here? For me, my answer is YES. What he did not realize is that when he met me he met his match. Like I said before I was well loved as a child, so I know when it's time to call it quits. I was also taught that a woman is supposed to be respected, loved, cherised and handled with care. I am thankful to finally have the wisdom to know the difference between REAL love and an illusion. So while we have been separated for 4 months, I have not filed for divorce yet but plan to next year. He sent me a text the other day and said he was sorry for being a jerk and he doesn't know why he has such a hard time being honest and get this... he said I will always be special. He then asked if he could have another chance and come home, I I said "No". Always remember, if they hurt you once, shame on them, if it happens again and you take them back, shame on you. He needs to get out on his own and face his demons head on. Some men have to learn a hard lesson in order to grow. I sleep like a baby at nigt now. The world has been lifted from my delicate shoulders and my eyes have dried from all the tears shedded throught the years. The shock is over and I now know, it was a HUGE chance I took for love. It was emotional the first month, but it is getting easier by the day. I know what I'm worth and what i deserve, it may have taken me 41 years to figure this out but i won't settle for less than I deserve. I am a good woman with a lot to offer the right person. Unfortunately, he is not that man, right now anyway.

You sound like a strong woman. My first thought while reading was, Good for you! It took me 13 years to work up the courage to get out of a bad marriage. I raised my son and daughter on my own and have hopefully instilled those values in them. I am now married to a wonderful man who is the one I am certain was meant for me all along. I don't know if you like to read but I found a book very inspirational and uplifting when I separated and eventually divorced. It is called In the Meantime, by Ianyla VanZant (I dont have the book anymore so Im not sure if I spelled that right). I always thought the worst thing that could happen to me would be for my ex to leave. As it turns out, it was the best thing to ever happen to me. He married the woman across the road and I married my soul mate. in the meantime just worry about YOU and your children and the rest will fall into place. You have already taken the hardest step. You were also braver than me because I fell for the I'm sorry act and took my ex back for another couple years of that hell. Leopards cannot change their spots and once a cheater always a cheater. I should have listened to my mom on that one! Best of luck to you.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

HELLOOOO VJ,

This post is made for those who have gotten to know me over the years, since 2007 to be exact. For those who have followed my story since I married my nigerian husband back in 2007. Those who read of the indiscretions and the hard times, and watched me forgive him since he stated he would not make that mistake again and promised transparency in the marriage from here on. Well thing got better for a while but within time, things began to go back to what got us in the mess we were in from the start of the affair. In all fairness, I did NOT catch him red handed again, however I am no fool at 41 years old. You know what Ladies, he could not meet up to the requirements of being a loving, honest, trustworthy, responsible husband. Someone posted something recently about lacking affection, lacking concern, being secretive about his life outside of the home. Yes, those were all the things that he continued to struggle with even after we decided to give it another go round. He said he loved me when I asked and promised not to leave, which he never did. That's the part that baffled me, this man did not want to act like a husband but yet he refused to leave the home. He got his 10 yr greencard some time ago so that wasn't the issue. To this day, I honestly feel that he felt it was acceptable to have a loving wife at home but OK to behave like a single man. It's almost like he wanted th best of both worlds. Well...... I'm sorry ladies, I deserve better. You see, I didn't come from a home where love was lacking. My mother gave me unconditional love day and night. So when I began to see how lonely I felt inside, how miserable I had become and how my childen must have felt watching their so called step Dad come in and out whenever he wanted without a word spoken, how he would be unaccounted for several hours, I knew I had to step up and set a fine example if not for me for my lovely children. They accepted this man into the home based on their trusting my decision and the fact that he called them regularly when in africa and promised to teach them soccer, prepare nigerian dishes, hangout and just be a good friend to them. Instead, he lied, cheated and was very disrspectful in his behavior toward me. What kind of message would I be sending to my son and daughters. To my son, is this how a man should treat hs wife? NO. To my daughters, Is this how a man should treat you? NO. So for all these reasons I asked him to leave and I will tell you this man did NOT leave without a fight. I had to call in the troops, literally, the troops meaning my brothers. I'm not sure why he wanted to remain here when he was NOT loving me or the kids the way he had promised in Nigeria. So to the question asked by someone, do they change when they get here? For me, my answer is YES. What he did not realize is that when he met me he met his match. Like I said before I was well loved as a child, so I know when it's time to call it quits. I was also taught that a woman is supposed to be respected, loved, cherised and handled with care. I am thankful to finally have the wisdom to know the difference between REAL love and an illusion. So while we have been separated for 4 months, I have not filed for divorce yet but plan to next year. He sent me a text the other day and said he was sorry for being a jerk and he doesn't know why he has such a hard time being honest and get this... he said I will always be special. He then asked if he could have another chance and come home, I I said "No". Always remember, if they hurt you once, shame on them, if it happens again and you take them back, shame on you. He needs to get out on his own and face his demons head on. Some men have to learn a hard lesson in order to grow. I sleep like a baby at nigt now. The world has been lifted from my delicate shoulders and my eyes have dried from all the tears shedded throught the years. The shock is over and I now know, it was a HUGE chance I took for love. It was emotional the first month, but it is getting easier by the day. I know what I'm worth and what i deserve, it may have taken me 41 years to figure this out but i won't settle for less than I deserve. I am a good woman with a lot to offer the right person. Unfortunately, he is not that man, right now anyway.

While I am happy for you for your new found happiness, I am also saddened to see the end of a dream "Married my Baby, My Soulmate in Nigeria on August 9TH,2007. The love of my love, my everything my sexy chocolate."

Good luck and I hope your Kids have a quick healing process.

[chikings 27]

You sound like a strong woman. My first thought while reading was, Good for you! It took me 13 years to work up the courage to get out of a bad marriage. I raised my son and daughter on my own and have hopefully instilled those values in them. I am now married to a wonderful man who is the one I am certain was meant for me all along. I don't know if you like to read but I found a book very inspirational and uplifting when I separated and eventually divorced. It is called In the Meantime, by Ianyla VanZant (I dont have the book anymore so Im not sure if I spelled that right). I always thought the worst thing that could happen to me would be for my ex to leave. As it turns out, it was the best thing to ever happen to me. He married the woman across the road and I married my soul mate. in the meantime just worry about YOU and your children and the rest will fall into place. You have already taken the hardest step. You were also braver than me because I fell for the I'm sorry act and took my ex back for another couple years of that hell. Leopards cannot change their spots and once a cheater always a cheater. I should have listened to my mom on that one! Best of luck to you.

Yess awesome book.. all of hers are...

Congrats... to the retaking back control... No worries..anymore.. Life is to be lived to the fullest!!!

[And_Sam 44]

Kudos for having the strength and courage enough to have him leave the house! Alot of people just stays in the marriage for one reason or another. In the beginning of any relationship we all want it to work and no one knows what is in the future will hold, whether it will work out or not, so yes we all have the "dream" of being married to our soulmate. What happened between you and your husband is something that plagues all relationships, not just to the ones from couples from different countries or cultures.

God bless you and keep you in all your journeys!

Edited November 11, 2012 by And_Sam

[Ricca711 1]

I have watched your story.....you are so brave. I wish you all the best.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

I really appreciate all the love and support you have shown me over the years. Thanks so much and let's still keep in touch as I now you are still on your journey. I wish you nothing but success!

You know you and I will stay in touch through this and more. I will keep you posted with us, not much to report yet. Stay blessed.

[BimnKay 5]

As hard as the decision may have been, know that the steps you have taken to correct the situation have shown your children that it is not acceptable to allow others to belittle you or treat you harshly. Keep your head up, God is on your side.

[olumides_wife 17]

I haven't been on VJ since 2007 but when I came aboard last year I did follow your story and I just want to thank you girl for taking the time to be so transparent and real with us...and glad to see you didn't become bitter and call him a scammer (which I don't think he is since apparently he didn't want to leave lol) but instead as you said he wanted his wife and single life too..Nigerian or not...sir this just can't be...smh...yes girl set the standard for your babies...they are watching us...and this isn't what either of them need to see so good for you! I had to decide that about my own two with their father... You seem very strong and at peace and that is what matters most....who knows maybe he'll realize FOR REAL what he had in you..sometimes you gotta let them fall hard... but if he's anything like my ex if he waits to long it may be too late by then because you would have moved on completely...either way girl my hats off to you for sharing your story with us...and keepin' it real! I love that about you! Praying for you and I know that the best for you is yet to come!

[MAO36 30]

Sometimes the cultural divide will never be overcome. I know many Nigerian men that think they will go out and play and a good wife should be home fixing dinner. I have been about your whole process. Good luck at the next phase.

This was very much the case. Wow..... I recall speaking to you on the phone back in 07 or 08. I am so glad things are going well for you. You went thru a lot, I still remember.

[MAO36 30]

You sound like a strong woman. My first thought while reading was, Good for you! It took me 13 years to work up the courage to get out of a bad marriage. I raised my son and daughter on my own and have hopefully instilled those values in them. I am now married to a wonderful man who is the one I am certain was meant for me all along. I don't know if you like to read but I found a book very inspirational and uplifting when I separated and eventually divorced. It is called In the Meantime, by Ianyla VanZant (I dont have the book anymore so Im not sure if I spelled that right). I always thought the worst thing that could happen to me would be for my ex to leave. As it turns out, it was the best thing to ever happen to me. He married the woman across the road and I married my soul mate. in the meantime just worry about YOU and your children and the rest will fall into place. You have already taken the hardest step. You were also braver than me because I fell for the I'm sorry act and took my ex back for another couple years of that hell. Leopards cannot change their spots and once a cheater always a cheater. I should have listened to my mom on that one! Best of luck to you.

[MAO36 30]

You sound like a strong woman. My first thought while reading was, Good for you! It took me 13 years to work up the courage to get out of a bad marriage. I raised my son and daughter on my own and have hopefully instilled those values in them. I am now married to a wonderful man who is the one I am certain was meant for me all along. I don't know if you like to read but I found a book very inspirational and uplifting when I separated and eventually divorced. It is called In the Meantime, by Ianyla VanZant (I dont have the book anymore so Im not sure if I spelled that right). I always thought the worst thing that could happen to me would be for my ex to leave. As it turns out, it was the best thing to ever happen to me. He married the woman across the road and I married my soul mate. in the meantime just worry about YOU and your children and the rest will fall into place. You have already taken the hardest step. You were also braver than me because I fell for the I'm sorry act and took my ex back for another couple years of that hell. Leopards cannot change their spots and once a cheater always a cheater. I should have listened to my mom on that one! Best of luck to you.

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I always use that same quote about a leopard not changing his spots. Thanks to everyone who left encouraging, uplifting comments and commendations. I'm feeling good to have heard the feedback from so many. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Jahwaree 83]

Proud of you, stay strong you will meet the one one that will love and chrish you

[Maeri 1]

Damn i feel your pain mami. am kinda a little bit experiencing the same thing in my own marriage. mine (hubby) is like a bipolar. is sweet this minute the next minute is mean and disrespectful.

Just know if one door closes another will open. take care:)

[Ben and Jill 37]

Mao36, awwww honey, I am saddened by this, I can't tell a lie, but you sound super fine and I am proud of you for respecting yourself and your children enough to do the right and best thing. God bless you and stay steadfast and strong. So proud of you

Edited November 13, 2012 by Ben and Jill