Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

[esmatsgirl 1]

Look at our pics here...see our dates..see a normal life...until the green card came...then he was gone. And it was right about that same time I found out he was cheating on me for an entire year...having a sexual affair with a pregnant 20 year old. Sickening. He even brought her into our home and had sex with her on my couch. She described my home to me. I was visiting my mother at the eastern shore only overnight when he pulled this stunt. Other than that I was a stay at home wife, visiting his cell phone store from time to time with no apparent issues. Well...hahaha..the joke was on me. Don't be stupid and think you are smart like I did. Really think hard. This guy came from a perfectly wonderful family... I met all of them and stayed in Jordan twice for over a month each time getting to know them and everything seemed perfect. He was performing an act even in front of his family. Because they did not realize his intentions of leaving eventually. Neither did I..this was a fairytale romance...I was his queen, etc. , etc...you know the whole routine...you know who you are. RETHINK YOUR DECISION!!!!

If I had this to do all over again I would realize that once he got here I don't ever remember being his "queen" again. I know that in some cases the love is real...and that is beautiful, wonderful, congratulations.

But think about it because all signs pointed to its real and it was not real. He told me he never wanted to come to america at all. I never put two and two together until after the fact...then why did he have a 4 year degree in English Literature????? HELLO...EARTH TO DEBBIE...and now EARTH TO WHOEVER IS READING THIS POST!!!!

BE CAREFUL. Love is a powerful thing and it can take you and you can be cheated and heartbroken. I saw similar posts on visajourney myself but only after I got married but I still thought my marriage was good...cause the green card coming was the thing that gave him the green light to it the road and thats just what he did. He would have been gone anyway after what I discovered about him. Deceiving...innocent acting cheater.

I know not all out there are like this...this note is not to put a damper on anyone's perfect union...but all I am saying is to rethink everything and be careful for yourself. It's your life...immigration is a long and painful process to go through with and for someone. In this case I even did all the paperwork and processed the whole thing myself without an attorney...I mean...I really got screwed. DON'T GET SCREWED!! Date...why marry? Live together.....for a long time first.

Good luck

Deb

[ndu26 114]

So sorry to hear this. I hope you do find love again ( real one). As per your advice to live together for many years first...even many people who have done that still did not make it in marriage. I know a couple who lived together for 9 years...yet once they said " I do" issues came up and they were talking about divorce.

marriage remains a beautiful and sacred thing regardless of how some have messed it up.

Pick your life up and stay strong and life shall surprise you for good. happy week

[Boiler 43,434]

Unfortunately there is a lot more than one other thread.

[Kindly Waiting 2]

I know where you are coming from Debbie. My ex-husband changed completely after we married and became a different person. He too, never wanted to to come tot he States, but after I left him, about 6 months after being married and abused, he said he would never leave. He said he would have to be dported. I read those posts here on MENA too and was his queen. You do have to be careful out there. It caused em not tot rust and be weary of every mans intentions. Luckily, I over came that and am happily marreid now. I hope that you can find healing and happiness in your life. Good riddance to him.

[momof1 205]

I think that many people are so blinded by the excitement of new love especially love that isn't in your face 24/7. One can put on a front for much longer when you're not face to face. They say it takes six months to know someone and then six more months to know who they really are. Multiply that by many more when you're dealing with online love. There had to be many signs that were either missed or discounted during this process that would have let you know he was planning on leaving. Sadly, many people are blinded by love.

I hope that you find happiness in the future.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I am familiar with your VJ user ID esmatsgirl and have followed your journey here on VJ. I am sorry to hear this unfortunate news. It is a terrible thing to have done to you. I hope that you may find peace in your grief.

Edited February 26, 2012 by ॐ

[And_Sam 44]

I'm so sorry Debbie that you are going through this.

[Donna A 4]

I know what ur going through Debbie. Ive been there too. If u wanna talk let me know.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Look at our pics here...see our dates..see a normal life...until the green card came...then he was gone. And it was right about that same time I found out he was cheating on me for an entire year...having a sexual affair with a pregnant 20 year old. Sickening. He even brought her into our home and had sex with her on my couch. She described my home to me. I was visiting my mother at the eastern shore only overnight when he pulled this stunt. Other than that I was a stay at home wife, visiting his cell phone store from time to time with no apparent issues. Well...hahaha..the joke was on me. Don't be stupid and think you are smart like I did. Really think hard. This guy came from a perfectly wonderful family... I met all of them and stayed in Jordan twice for over a month each time getting to know them and everything seemed perfect. He was performing an act even in front of his family. Because they did not realize his intentions of leaving eventually. Neither did I..this was a fairytale romance...I was his queen, etc. , etc...you know the whole routine...you know who you are. RETHINK YOUR DECISION!!!!

If I had this to do all over again I would realize that once he got here I don't ever remember being his "queen" again. I know that in some cases the love is real...and that is beautiful, wonderful, congratulations.

But think about it because all signs pointed to its real and it was not real. He told me he never wanted to come to america at all. I never put two and two together until after the fact...then why did he have a 4 year degree in English Literature????? HELLO...EARTH TO DEBBIE...and now EARTH TO WHOEVER IS READING THIS POST!!!!

BE CAREFUL. Love is a powerful thing and it can take you and you can be cheated and heartbroken. I saw similar posts on visajourney myself but only after I got married but I still thought my marriage was good...cause the green card coming was the thing that gave him the green light to it the road and thats just what he did. He would have been gone anyway after what I discovered about him. Deceiving...innocent acting cheater.

I know not all out there are like this...this note is not to put a damper on anyone's perfect union...but all I am saying is to rethink everything and be careful for yourself. It's your life...immigration is a long and painful process to go through with and for someone. In this case I even did all the paperwork and processed the whole thing myself without an attorney...I mean...I really got screwed. DON'T GET SCREWED!! Date...why marry? Live together.....for a long time first.

Good luck

Deb

Debbie, I am so sorry this happened to you. My situation was much more complicated because i was pregnant when he arrived and we lost our child. Mine was chatting on the computer, meeting with other women in town and basically made me live without physical affection and physically and emotionally abused me. We are still not legallly divorced and when I was the hospital recently, he did help me in some ways. I think their parents are very well aware of their intentions on leaving us and was the pregnant girl he was sleeping with pregnant by him? You cannot warn these girls against this because no one will ever think it could happen to them. I found that his family was much more complicit in this than even he was. I really really loved him and still do and we have raised my youngest daughter who met him at a year and a half together and had a buried a child together. You can do everything perfectly right and this still can happen. What you need to do now is write a letter to immigration and to the embassy in his home country telling them that you were defrauded and tell them about the infidelity and the only thing that can make you heal from this is the fact he wont have an easy time bringing anyone else over. I have been desperately sick from the stress of dealing with my husband but we had alot more stress than most people honestly. My family flipped out on him after 3 continuous years of abuse and even though he has tried to help me in the years that came, they never ever recovered. I have been living around mixed american and mena marriages since 2001 and honestly other than a few on here that have worked out, in real life, I know none still together, even ones with kids. I cant say its all greencard fraud. Some of it is differences in culture but its one thing to be in a foreign country. Its another thing to get here and start hanging around a bunch of arabs who have used americans for papers ( most were here and met them here and adjusted) They look to these peers alot as examples and literally I had one actually coach my husband of all the nasty things he could do to me to get rid of me etc. NO I AM NOT KIDDING. The one critical difference I had between me and the other american wives was a very strong knowledge of culture and the fact that I have a daughter from someone from MENA from before we married made me very connected to both language and what was going on around me. My husband would hold up all these examples of men who loved their wives etc ( this was 3 years ago) and I would just tell him as soon as they could be done with them, they would be. One by one, each one of them got divorced but it wasnt just mena american, it was MENA MENA LOL with older wives and one Algerian older guy left his older algerian wife with children for like a 22 year old moroccan. There is a whole undercurrent of how they know each other, gossip, perception of who is married and who is married just for papers ( VRAI MARRIAGE) and my name is KAFIRA LOL. I have a strong understanding of culture and believe it or not, even though we havent finalised our divorce, I am very on top of what has happened to me and for the most part it was my fault. He was too young. I had kids and a kid from a mena person I wasnt married to and that was shameful ( didnt you know that mena men dont do that to women LOL LOL AND SUPER LOL) You cant just blanketly warn anyone against doing this because you wouldnt have taken the warning. I think if there is a huge age difference, even if you love the guy, just please be prepared for things to end. If you cant have kids and he wants them, be prepared for things to end. Just be prepared for things to end and if they dont, then YAY you. But I have really come to the conclusion that not only should I have never brought any one over here, I shouldnt have thought that my measely life could over come an immense phobia and hatred of all things GHORBA. This is the GHORBA guy and if someone from their culture sympathises with you, they are a big SHEKAMA. For gods sakes, I lost a child and was deathly ill and neither his mom or any of his jackass friends cared about me. These guys are not american and no matter how much they all look like us, they arent the same and they have a whole set of values and backgrounds that after a year or so of living here, they decide that often the ticket that brought them here is just not what they want.I dont EVER warn women against the relationships because no one listens anyway. All I can say is mine pretty much ruined what was left of my life and I would not under any circumstances, no matter how nice the guy EVER recommend that any one I knew sponsor anyone over here. The relationships never last. The women always get screwed and out of my maybe 10 relationships, one lasts. You wont know your odds till 5 years out, post greencard and usually post citizenship because its usually post citizenship that they leave not post greencard. If you got rid of him without having to suffer another 2 years, YAY you.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Debbie, I am so sorry this happened to you. My situation was much more complicated because i was pregnant when he arrived and we lost our child. Mine was chatting on the computer, meeting with other women in town and basically made me live without physical affection and physically and emotionally abused me. We are still not legallly divorced and when I was the hospital recently, he did help me in some ways. I think their parents are very well aware of their intentions on leaving us and was the pregnant girl he was sleeping with pregnant by him? You cannot warn these girls against this because no one will ever think it could happen to them. I found that his family was much more complicit in this than even he was. I really really loved him and still do and we have raised my youngest daughter who met him at a year and a half together and had a buried a child together. You can do everything perfectly right and this still can happen. What you need to do now is write a letter to immigration and to the embassy in his home country telling them that you were defrauded and tell them about the infidelity and the only thing that can make you heal from this is the fact he wont have an easy time bringing anyone else over. I have been desperately sick from the stress of dealing with my husband but we had alot more stress than most people honestly. My family flipped out on him after 3 continuous years of abuse and even though he has tried to help me in the years that came, they never ever recovered. I have been living around mixed american and mena marriages since 2001 and honestly other than a few on here that have worked out, in real life, I know none still together, even ones with kids. I cant say its all greencard fraud. Some of it is differences in culture but its one thing to be in a foreign country. Its another thing to get here and start hanging around a bunch of arabs who have used americans for papers ( most were here and met them here and adjusted) They look to these peers alot as examples and literally I had one actually coach my husband of all the nasty things he could do to me to get rid of me etc. NO I AM NOT KIDDING. The one critical difference I had between me and the other american wives was a very strong knowledge of culture and the fact that I have a daughter from someone from MENA from before we married made me very connected to both language and what was going on around me. My husband would hold up all these examples of men who loved their wives etc ( this was 3 years ago) and I would just tell him as soon as they could be done with them, they would be. One by one, each one of them got divorced but it wasnt just mena american, it was MENA MENA LOL with older wives and one Algerian older guy left his older algerian wife with children for like a 22 year old moroccan. There is a whole undercurrent of how they know each other, gossip, perception of who is married and who is married just for papers ( VRAI MARRIAGE) and my name is KAFIRA LOL. I have a strong understanding of culture and believe it or not, even though we havent finalised our divorce, I am very on top of what has happened to me and for the most part it was my fault. He was too young. I had kids and a kid from a mena person I wasnt married to and that was shameful ( didnt you know that mena men dont do that to women LOL LOL AND SUPER LOL) You cant just blanketly warn anyone against doing this because you wouldnt have taken the warning. I think if there is a huge age difference, even if you love the guy, just please be prepared for things to end. If you cant have kids and he wants them, be prepared for things to end. Just be prepared for things to end and if they dont, then YAY you. But I have really come to the conclusion that not only should I have never brought any one over here, I shouldnt have thought that my measely life could over come an immense phobia and hatred of all things GHORBA. This is the GHORBA guy and if someone from their culture sympathises with you, they are a big SHEKAMA. For gods sakes, I lost a child and was deathly ill and neither his mom or any of his jackass friends cared about me. These guys are not american and no matter how much they all look like us, they arent the same and they have a whole set of values and backgrounds that after a year or so of living here, they decide that often the ticket that brought them here is just not what they want.I dont EVER warn women against the relationships because no one listens anyway. All I can say is mine pretty much ruined what was left of my life and I would not under any circumstances, no matter how nice the guy EVER recommend that any one I knew sponsor anyone over here. The relationships never last. The women always get screwed and out of my maybe 10 relationships, one lasts. You wont know your odds till 5 years out, post greencard and usually post citizenship because its usually post citizenship that they leave not post greencard. If you got rid of him without having to suffer another 2 years, YAY you.

I have compiled a list of women on facebook and talked to them both with children from their mena spouses and some without who are willing to help women who have been hurt. I would be glad to introduce you to them. I met them on various sites and we talk about it at length. I am still legally married to my spouse and he caused alot of problems even between me and my mother and extended family. Our biggest problem were other mena people and they would interject advice and he met some very intolerant mena people about a year after getting here and started acting like them. I honestly believe that alot of success can be had if your spouse is far away from some of the nonsense troublemakers who greencard frauded ahead of them. My husbands mother literally bullied me and bullied my husband everytime things would calm down between us and he befriended a man who literally said he hated americans and had like 7 kids with his wife who he refused to allow to complete high school ( great peer group huh?_I honestly will tell you that most women who get used could have seen signs if they looked hard enough but unless you have a strong grasp on their culture, you would never see it coming. I know them like the back of my hand and I know that I was a COMPLETELY innapropriate choice of a wife due to my past choices and kids all over the damn place. Love cannot survive the intense scrutiny of know it alls from back home. I literally had one sit down and tell my husband do this and that to me and this jackass even went to my husbands house back home and talked mad ####### about me to his family ( this is after my child died etc)This is a guy who I know for a fact horribly abused his wife and is a wife and kid beater... All involved in my marriage thank you very much. All I could say to my husband was I am sick and tired of your evil friends and after I took you all the way from Algeria and loved and invested time with you, you put these morons opinions over mine. They made my life a living hell ( the friends)and I know all about the so called friends because the guys wife told me that he beat her senseless all the time last year. Oh god. I could write a book about the domestic violence, the nonsense, the gossipy nonsense within the community. Just move on and honestly, theres no point to warn everyone against doing it because you wouldnt have listened would you? LOL. We all think we are immune to be used. Its really hard when you have to face the fact it happened. Love is right around the corner for you with someone else. You just have to have faith. I went through total hell and its just too much to talk about here on the forum but I would be glad to talk to you off the forums

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Look at our pics here...see our dates..see a normal life...until the green card came...then he was gone. And it was right about that same time I found out he was cheating on me for an entire year...having a sexual affair with a pregnant 20 year old. Sickening. He even brought her into our home and had sex with her on my couch. She described my home to me. I was visiting my mother at the eastern shore only overnight when he pulled this stunt. Other than that I was a stay at home wife, visiting his cell phone store from time to time with no apparent issues. Well...hahaha..the joke was on me. Don't be stupid and think you are smart like I did. Really think hard. This guy came from a perfectly wonderful family... I met all of them and stayed in Jordan twice for over a month each time getting to know them and everything seemed perfect. He was performing an act even in front of his family. Because they did not realize his intentions of leaving eventually. Neither did I..this was a fairytale romance...I was his queen, etc. , etc...you know the whole routine...you know who you are. RETHINK YOUR DECISION!!!!

If I had this to do all over again I would realize that once he got here I don't ever remember being his "queen" again. I know that in some cases the love is real...and that is beautiful, wonderful, congratulations.

But think about it because all signs pointed to its real and it was not real. He told me he never wanted to come to america at all. I never put two and two together until after the fact...then why did he have a 4 year degree in English Literature????? HELLO...EARTH TO DEBBIE...and now EARTH TO WHOEVER IS READING THIS POST!!!!

BE CAREFUL. Love is a powerful thing and it can take you and you can be cheated and heartbroken. I saw similar posts on visajourney myself but only after I got married but I still thought my marriage was good...cause the green card coming was the thing that gave him the green light to it the road and thats just what he did. He would have been gone anyway after what I discovered about him. Deceiving...innocent acting cheater.

I know not all out there are like this...this note is not to put a damper on anyone's perfect union...but all I am saying is to rethink everything and be careful for yourself. It's your life...immigration is a long and painful process to go through with and for someone. In this case I even did all the paperwork and processed the whole thing myself without an attorney...I mean...I really got screwed. DON'T GET SCREWED!! Date...why marry? Live together.....for a long time first.

Good luck

DebY

Did you file for divorce? Are you divorced? Was the pregnant woman pregnant from him? How did you find out about this exactly? Did she tell you? You are leaving out so many details.. for gods sakes, its like tv// ARe you divorced? Is he missing?

[Leatherneck 693]

This is the second report of a broken home and heart break in less than 24 hours. Deb, this may be of little consolation to you now, I hope you can recover emotionally from this quickly.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Look at our pics here...see our dates..see a normal life...until the green card came...then he was gone. And it was right about that same time I found out he was cheating on me for an entire year...having a sexual affair with a pregnant 20 year old. Sickening. He even brought her into our home and had sex with her on my couch. She described my home to me. I was visiting my mother at the eastern shore only overnight when he pulled this stunt. Other than that I was a stay at home wife, visiting his cell phone store from time to time with no apparent issues. Well...hahaha..the joke was on me. Don't be stupid and think you are smart like I did. Really think hard. This guy came from a perfectly wonderful family... I met all of them and stayed in Jordan twice for over a month each time getting to know them and everything seemed perfect. He was performing an act even in front of his family. Because they did not realize his intentions of leaving eventually. Neither did I..this was a fairytale romance...I was his queen, etc. , etc...you know the whole routine...you know who you are. RETHINK YOUR DECISION!!!!

If I had this to do all over again I would realize that once he got here I don't ever remember being his "queen" again. I know that in some cases the love is real...and that is beautiful, wonderful, congratulations.

But think about it because all signs pointed to its real and it was not real. He told me he never wanted to come to america at all. I never put two and two together until after the fact...then why did he have a 4 year degree in English Literature????? HELLO...EARTH TO DEBBIE...and now EARTH TO WHOEVER IS READING THIS POST!!!!

BE CAREFUL. Love is a powerful thing and it can take you and you can be cheated and heartbroken. I saw similar posts on visajourney myself but only after I got married but I still thought my marriage was good...cause the green card coming was the thing that gave him the green light to it the road and thats just what he did. He would have been gone anyway after what I discovered about him. Deceiving...innocent acting cheater.

I know not all out there are like this...this note is not to put a damper on anyone's perfect union...but all I am saying is to rethink everything and be careful for yourself. It's your life...immigration is a long and painful process to go through with and for someone. In this case I even did all the paperwork and processed the whole thing myself without an attorney...I mean...I really got screwed. DON'T GET SCREWED!! Date...why marry? Live together.....for a long time first.

Good luck

Deb

I think I also want to write an open letter and also let you know that this is not going to happen to everybody. But I think there needs to be a WHO THE BLEEP DID I MARRY ( mena edition) Thats a show that covers the length of a marriage and all the nonsense that went on. I had the misfortune of having a mom and dad very far away from the town that I was living in and no one would physically intervene when my husband was abusing me while I was pregnant and afterwards. I had a girl from his home country follow me into a daycare and threaten me and I had one scary person from his country scaring the living bejesus out of me for over 3 years. I am still at this point terrified to file because I dont want to have to go through mediation and court and I have been in the hospital for 3 days already this month.My husband is very loud, physically violent and broke my things and then switches to very attentive and quiet and always puts on a show of how much he takes care of me. Hes in and out of the house and has been over the last 2 years and has been in the states for 4 years. He was a nightmare back home, throwing tantrums with his own family and its a dirty little secret that men do that alot in North Africa. They have male privilidge which means they can stay out, do whatever and women must put up with it. It pits women against women and its very hard on women whos marriages go south or start to experience violence because if they have disconnected from Americans and immerse theirselves in other cultures, alot of this nonsense is tolerated. Its even harder if the american has been abused before by an american because they are going to blame themselves when things go south with the person they have fought so hard to bring over.

I knew people from North Africa for about 6 years before I married my spouse and while they werent perfect no one ever hit me or abused me or hurt me in front of my kids. My spouse hit me in the face in a taxi while we were overseas in front of his moms brother, threw hot tea on me from across a room and hit me 2 years later in front of other relatives, throwing things at me, cursing in front of my mother. oh you name it. I used to blame it on mena but I think they knew he was a violent abusive nut job and pawned him off on me. See when you have a nut job from your own culture that you havent sponsored you can get away easily. When you marry him and he is running rampant all over your country and hometown, you are already embarassed as hell you are in the situation, its very hard to extricate yourself from it.

As far as USCIS and ICE and the rest of the US people that deal with immigration, you have to understand that they see these marriages every day and the reason they give the real couples so much nonsense is that there is indeed just so much fraud and the Americans are very gullible because we place our values on what people tell us. Love is love lalaalla.. in many other cultures, moms pick your wives.. I know that moms can make or break real mena marriages.

Anyway, No one is going to listen to warnings. You read them in 2008 when you brought your guy over here. Just do your best to heal. I am still not even done with my nonsense and its been 4 long painful years and I have more to come.. I am saying alot of this mostly because not only is it hard to talk about making a mistake, often grabbing for reasons wont help you heal. He wanted to come to the US. He wasnt sincere.I am so so sorry as another American you went through this and he has some big lessons to learn as time goes by about us, our country and having a good heart.. I am very broken hearted 4 years later after his arrival and havent even begun to extricate myself if you can believe that. No one will listen, you didnt, I didnt , no one does.. save your breath

[Muh and me 18]

I'm so sorry. I pray you find some sort of happiness and no that it isn't just the MENA men that do this. Although the others are here legally. They cheat too.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Deb

I thank you for taking the time to post your story...though it ended up being a hard and sad one....u still did it.

Please know I hope you will find your true happiness when it is time. God willing.

Even if people at this time read and dont believe it can happen to them...it is good to always be aware of what deceptive people are capable of doing and how far they would go to get what they selfishly desire.

I cant accept to categorize it because he was a MENA man. There are many good Middle Eastern/North African men and successful Relationships found with American born women. Hopefully you can still hold on to your reasons for being interested in this culture in the first place...despite this one. He chose to do immoral things because he gave into his own desires not necessarily because he was born in a certain place.

I was married for many many years to a middle eastern man and though it ended, he was faithful and treated me as Queenish as possible after that many years, because he was a good man that way.

And now God brought me to another chance at love with, yes a MENA again. He just happen to be born outside of the U.S....like yours (GULP)

Obviously, I will continue my visa but your advice has been input!!!

With Respect

Edit...I also enjoyed your link on the stats

Edited February 27, 2012 by inluvnwaiting