Confused and Desperately Needs Help

[happyblessedme 12]

Hello Fellow VJ Members,

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Please i apologise if this is a long story but please i need ur help.

Well..i am a member here for quite a while now( aka Happywifeymom).I never had serious issues with my husband till now.And please don't judge me ,,i just need any advice you can give me as i am sooo confused with what to do in my situation.

To make the story short..i am married with my USC husband for 4.6 years now with our 3 year old son plus my 2 kids from previous relationship with whom my husband petitioned through I-130 ( kids are with me since last year).

My husband's 25 yr. old daughter with her 3 yr. old son lives with us since July 2009 until now.

My hubby is unemployed since May 2009 until now and im the only one working full time with 7 people in the house.

Since his daughter and grand son lives with us..we started having issues and me and her daughter never get along(she's 25 and divorced 3 times already).

I work my butt off to pay the bills and all that, i even had 2 jobs before. Hubby is still unemployed.

Now my dilemma starts since 2009(when his daughter lives with us).

His daughter is very disrespectfull to my husband despite the fact that we give her and her son a roof over her head and food to eat.

She never helped me with the bill not even a single penny every month and she cost me more for water,electricty and everything else.She is not working but getting child support.

She never buys food and if she does she hides it in her room and puts her name on her food if the food needs to be refrigerated. SHe don't want nobody to touch her food ,eat her food but she eats whatever i buy for the family.

She makes a mess and her 3 yr.old son and she never even help

clean or look up to her own mess.

I love my husband so much and it never bother me at all if he is not working because of reasons beyond his control(health issues).

But his daughter is causing me too much stress for over 2 years now to the point that i don't wanna come home anymore if not for my kids.

Her daughter cares nothing but herself. SHe won't help or nothing and she gets child support from her ex and all she does is go to places everywhere ,partying with friends and all that,spends on cigarettes and branded stuff.

If she is home she will lock herself in her room all day in the puter and have me and hubby baby sits her 3 yr. old son.she only comes out of her room when she smells the food is ready.

Everyday me and hubby argue and it's all about his daughter.I felt like the daughter is just using me and taking advantage of me and i am sooo sick and so tired to the point of almost giving up.I love my family and don't wanna be a broken family plus ilove my husband so much.

Here are my concerns:

1. Is it right for my husband to let me go through all this stress?

2.IS it right for my husband to let his daughter lives with us and use me?And he is not even making any income for 2.6 years now?

3.WHat is the legal way(if there is any) that i need to do to get my step daughter out of my house? They said in the state of GA you can not evict someone who lives with u for over 30 days and she live with us since 2009 till this very minute.

4. SHould i just let my step daughter ruin my marriage? My hubby said he wont allow his daughter and grand son live on a street which i really do understand.( His daughter's own mom won't even deal with her because of the way she is).

5.But what about me? this all causes me too much stress that is more than enough and too much for me to handle.

6,When hubby and daughter argue he tells his daughter to get out but i knew he never really meant it?

Pleaseeeeeeeeee i am begging for your advice. I just don't wanna give up and regret later ,ruin my marriage that i tried to build just because of his daughter.

Thank you so very much.

[at long last 58]

Hello Fellow VJ Members,

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Please i apologise if this is a long story but please i need ur help.

Well..i am a member here for quite a while now( aka Happywifeymom).I never had serious issues with my husband till now.And please don't judge me ,,i just need any advice you can give me as i am sooo confused with what to do in my situation.

To make the story short..i am married with my USC husband for 4.6 years now with our 3 year old son plus my 2 kids from previous relationship with whom my husband petitioned through I-130 ( kids are with me since last year).

My husband's 25 yr. old daughter with her 3 yr. old son lives with us since July 2009 until now.

My hubby is unemployed since May 2009 until now and im the only one working full time with 7 people in the house.

Since his daughter and grand son lives with us..we started having issues and me and her daughter never get along(she's 25 and divorced 3 times already).

I work my butt off to pay the bills and all that, i even had 2 jobs before. Hubby is still unemployed.

Now my dilemma starts since 2009(when his daughter lives with us).

His daughter is very disrespectfull to my husband despite the fact that we give her and her son a roof over her head and food to eat.

She never helped me with the bill not even a single penny every month and she cost me more for water,electricty and everything else.She is not working but getting child support.

She never buys food and if she does she hides it in her room and puts her name on her food if the food needs to be refrigerated. SHe don't want nobody to touch her food ,eat her food but she eats whatever i buy for the family.

She makes a mess and her 3 yr.old son and she never even help

clean or look up to her own mess.

I love my husband so much and it never bother me at all if he is not working because of reasons beyond his control(health issues).

But his daughter is causing me too much stress for over 2 years now to the point that i don't wanna come home anymore if not for my kids.

Her daughter cares nothing but herself. SHe won't help or nothing and she gets child support from her ex and all she does is go to places everywhere ,partying with friends and all that,spends on cigarettes and branded stuff.

If she is home she will lock herself in her room all day in the puter and have me and hubby baby sits her 3 yr. old son.she only comes out of her room when she smells the food is ready.

Everyday me and hubby argue and it's all about his daughter.I felt like the daughter is just using me and taking advantage of me and i am sooo sick and so tired to the point of almost giving up.I love my family and don't wanna be a broken family plus ilove my husband so much.

Here are my concerns:

1. Is it right for my husband to let me go through all this stress?

2.IS it right for my husband to let his daughter lives with us and use me?And he is not even making any income for 2.6 years now?

3.WHat is the legal way(if there is any) that i need to do to get my step daughter out of my house? They said in the state of GA you can not evict someone who lives with u for over 30 days and she live with us since 2009 till this very minute.

4. SHould i just let my step daughter ruin my marriage? My hubby said he wont allow his daughter and grand son live on a street which i really do understand.( His daughter's own mom won't even deal with her because of the way she is).

5.But what about me? this all causes me too much stress that is more than enough and too much for me to handle.

6,When hubby and daughter argue he tells his daughter to get out but i knew he never really meant it?

Pleaseeeeeeeeee i am begging for your advice. I just don't wanna give up and regret later ,ruin my marriage that i tried to build just because of his daughter.

Thank you so very much.

This is only my opinion as I have had issues like this in the past.

Anytime there is a combined family there will eventually be issues.

You must be able to sit down with your husband and discuss what the options are and explain calmly that this is too much for you and that there has to be a united front with the two of you to deal with the daughter.

If she has to be on some kind of assistance then so be it. But she is old enough to look after her own family. Sometimes we have to pull the safety net out from under them and let them go. And I'll be the first to admit is very difficult to see our children struggle but the too must learn the lessons of life. If your husband isn't willing to help you find a solution as it is a family issue then you have some hard decisions to make. Be strong. As long as your husband allows his daughter to behave this way nothing can change.

I feel for you in this very difficult situation. You gave up so much to be with this man you love so much his daughter does not have the right to take this from the two of you like a petulant child throwing a tantrum.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have lived this scenario and am no longer with that man.

[TeapotGirl 66]

1. Is it right for my husband to let me go through all this stress? - /

2.IS it right for my husband to let his daughter lives with us and use me?And he is not even making any income for 2.6 years now? NOPE. It's his daughter and she's already an adult. She shouldn'teven be there

3.WHat is the legal way(if there is any) that i need to do to get my step daughter out of my house? They said in the state of GA you can not evict someone who lives with u for over 30 days and she live with us since 2009 till this very minute.hmmm?? can't you call 911? I'd love to do it.

4. SHould i just let my step daughter ruin my marriage? My hubby said he wont allow his daughter and grand son live on a street which i really do understand.( His daughter's own mom won't even deal with her because of the way she is). Maybe the reason why his daughter is irresponsible is because he's is enabling it.

5.But what about me? this all causes me too much stress that is more than enough and too much for me to handle. Because it looks like they can just manipulate you. If they see you're serious, they'll do something about it.

6,When hubby and daughter argue he tells his daughter to get out but i knew he never really meant it?

It's not him who's working so he doesn't exactly feel what you feel.

I know you have tried to talk seriously with them, try once more but you should do what you want need to do. Consult a lawyer. Call 911.

Edited November 29, 2011 by teapotgurl1983

[happyblessedme 12]

This is only my opinion as I have had issues like this in the past.

Anytime there is a combined family there will eventually be issues.

You must be able to sit down with your husband and discuss what the options are and explain calmly that this is too much for you and that there has to be a united front with the two of you to deal with the daughter.

If she has to be on some kind of assistance then so be it. But she is old enough to look after her own family. Sometimes we have to pull the safety net out from under them and let them go. And I'll be the first to admit is very difficult to see our children struggle but the too must learn the lessons of life. If your husband isn't willing to help you find a solution as it is a family issue then you have some hard decisions to make. Be strong. As long as your husband allows his daughter to behave this way nothing can change.

I feel for you in this very difficult situation. You gave up so much to be with this man you love so much his daughter does not have the right to take this from the two of you like a petulant child throwing a tantrum.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have lived this scenario and am no longer with that man.

I knew my post is too long and i really thank u for taking the time to read. I did talked to my husband a billion times and he himself dont want his daughter to be homeless but i am the one suffering.

I love my family but i already told my husband i can not take it anymore..it's been over 2 years of stress physically, mentally , emotionally for me.

[ceadsearc 515]

Chances are if your husband is content to let her stay you will not be able to evict her. If you are unhappy in your marriage as a result of this your best bet is to a) talk to your husband b) begin couples and/or family therapy and c) consult with a lawyer regarding what your options are regarding having her move out. Honestly, though, even in the unlikely event you could legally force her out, doing so behind your husband's back probably won't help your marriage. So I would begin with steps a and b.

[John&Juvy 36]

I knew my post is too long and i really thank u for taking the time to read. I did talked to my husband a billion times and he himself dont want his daughter to be homeless but i am the one suffering.

I love my family but i already told my husband i can not take it anymore..it's been over 2 years of stress physically, mentally , emotionally for me.

I think your husband need to grow up and need to be little smart lol. He is concern about his adult daughter, but seems like did'nt think about your young children who really need to be taking care of first and need his support. But since he is currently still jobless and can't provide anything for the young kids, and your the one who supporting the family, then the least that he can do is talk to his daughter to save money and move out as possible as she can. About your quistion # 3, I will do more research about that online, coz I also heard about that before that you can't just evict someone who lives long enough with you, even so... I'm sure you probably have more legal rights, specially if you have a reason for kicking her out. should be more easier and possible for you if your husband is gonna support you about this, because he care also about you and your younger children than his 25 y.o daughter.

BUT.. if he really gonna insist that his daughter should really stay.. I guess you have to decide if you still willing stay and tolerate it or leave and stand for your self coz you think you have enough. Also it seems like you already done alot for him and for your marriage. It's his turn to do something for it.

[ronluvme 10]

Hi,

i am so sorry to hear about your situation,sometimes when we fall inlove became fool lol sorry to reminding this phrase but its really true,Do not be more martyr,i understand the fact that you love your husband and you dont want to ruin your marriage,but hey,at this time think about yourself,you live unhappy and not comportable,this daughter of him need to learn lesson from being iresponsible,feeding her,and offer the house is more than enough.U need to talk to your husband about your feelings,and you need make a decision,do not let them use you for the rest of your life,if i were you i will look for a place to move in,since you have a job,,think about.

ronluvme

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I kicked my 18 year old daughter out of the house for much less.

Your husband should be supportive of you. You and him should be able to agree on how to deal with the situation. If not then you need to decide how far are you willing to push the matter.

Would you move yourself and the 3 kids out of the house if push comes to shove?

[Ontarkie 13,915]

I think with your husbands health not being the best that he may also being dealing with his own issues. I would talk to your husband tell him you are worn out, that you will be unemployed soon if you end up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. Lay it on thick. Then ask him what he expect from his daughter, and how you will help make sure his grandson is well taken care. He could be putting up with a lot of her ####### just cause of his grandson. Try to get him to make a plan of action for his daughter write down everything he says. Make it feel like he is coming up with ideas to give her rules/requirements to continue living there. If you can get him talking about what he wants then you can tell him how you will back him up(some men do better if its all their idea). Once you get it on paper what he wants from her you then you both sit her down and tell her this is what you must do to live here, if you don't like it its time to grow up and get out.

Know I would make her life living hell if it was me, I would make sure she has no access to food lock it all up, feed the grandson and that is it. I would make sure to be busy out of the house so she can't leave her son with you to go party.

I wish you the best and pray it won't destroy your family.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Ontarkie

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

My Direct Responses to your exact questions:

1. Is it right for my husband to let me go through all this stress?

NO

2.Is it right for my husband to let his daughter lives with us and use me?And he is not even making any income for 2.6 years now?

His income has no bearing on this answer. In the right circumstances it would be okay. What you have described is not the right circumstances.

3.What is the legal way(if there is any) that i need to do to get my step daughter out of my house? They said in the state of GA you can not evict someone who lives with u for over 30 days and she live with us since 2009 till this very minute.

I think you misquoted what you were told. You have to evict her using the legal court process because she has established residence and has rights.

4. Should i just let my step daughter ruin my marriage? My hubby said he wont allow his daughter and grand son live on a street which i really do understand(His daughter's own mom won't even deal with her because of the way she is).

She isn't ruining your marriage, it would be your husband's actions (or inaction) that ruins it.

5.But what about me? this all causes me too much stress that is more than enough and too much for me to handle.

That's for you to answer.

6.When hubby and daughter argue he tells his daughter to get out but i knew he never really meant it.

Which is exactly why she acts the way she does.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Bob 4 Anna

[happyblessedme 12]

My Direct Responses to your exact questions:

1. Is it right for my husband to let me go through all this stress?

NO

2.Is it right for my husband to let his daughter lives with us and use me?And he is not even making any income for 2.6 years now?

His income has no bearing on this answer. In the right circumstances it would be okay. What you have described is not the right circumstances.

3.What is the legal way(if there is any) that i need to do to get my step daughter out of my house? They said in the state of GA you can not evict someone who lives with u for over 30 days and she live with us since 2009 till this very minute.

I think you misquoted what you were told. You have to evict her using the legal court process because she has established residence and has rights.

4. Should i just let my step daughter ruin my marriage? My hubby said he wont allow his daughter and grand son live on a street which i really do understand(His daughter's own mom won't even deal with her because of the way she is).

She isn't ruining your marriage, it would be your husband's actions (or inaction) that ruins it.

5.But what about me? this all causes me too much stress that is more than enough and too much for me to handle.

That's for you to answer.

6.When hubby and daughter argue he tells his daughter to get out but i knew he never really meant it.

Which is exactly why she acts the way she does.

Can u please specify your answer to my question number 3? Are u saying i have to do it legally since my stepdaughter has already rights of residency for living with us in over 2 years?

Of course i want to do it legally so i won't be in trouble.thanks for all your replies.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

1. Is it right for my husband to let me go through all this stress?

2. Is it right for my husband to let his daughter lives with us and use me? And he is not even making any income for 2.6 years now?

3. What is the legal way(if there is any) that i need to do to get my step daughter out of my house? They said in the state of GA you can not evict someone who lives with u for over 30 days and she live with us since 2009 till this very minute.

4. Should i just let my step daughter ruin my marriage? My hubby said he wont allow his daughter and grand son live on a street which i really do understand.( His daughter's own mom won't even deal with her because of the way she is).

5. But what about me? this all causes me too much stress that is more than enough and too much for me to handle.

6. When hubby and daughter argue he tells his daughter to get out but i knew he never really meant it?

1. I don't know what you mean by "right". It's not very nice but it's not illegal. She hasn't abused you. You are the bread-winner. If you wanted to leave you could afford to do so. You are not tied to the house so it could be said you put yourself through the stress. Do I think he should kick her out? Yes probably. It's obvious you are BOTH being used (remember it's not just about you).

2. You married him AND his family. How would you react if she was your child and he wanted her out? You would be upset that he isn't supporting your family when you would support his... You wouldn't let him kick your daughter out on the street in the same condition (I know I probably wouldn't). You are supporting the family. You are PART of the family and you have a say. It doesn't matter that he's not working, he too has a say.

3. I would see a lawyer about kicking her out, but because your husband lives there too he's allowed to have his "guests" stay. I would personally suggest you speak to your husband to figure out a solution that works for both of you. Would you be okay helping her get an apartment (i.e. giving her money for the security deposit)? What happens if you do that and she can't pay the rent, will your husband expect her to move back in? As someone else stated you need to have a united front. Would you be okay kicking the daughter out and letting the child stay (I would insist on signing over guardianship of the child so that you're covered legally but consider paying her the child support that you would be getting as a source of income for her and so she gets out).. because I think the child is what your husband is most concerned about, his daughter can get a job and what not but the child would be dragged around.

4. Its up to you and your husband whether you let the situation ruin your marriage or not. You can give up or you can fight. You've been fighting for 2 years though so it might mean giving up and letting him realise what he's risking.

5. What about you? You earn the money. Move out and get your own place. What will he do then? You've allowed yourself to be used and by continuing to let yourself be used you're getting no respect. I think it's a ridiculous shame that you would let her come between you and your marriage but right now it doesn't read like your husband is fighting for the marriage at all. You should be open to a compromise, but what exactly would you want? Obviously she needs to get out but if she can't help herself... you might be forced to help her.

6. This isn't really a question...

I'm not trying to be harsh. I don't think your husband understands exactly how this is affecting you. I don't think he understands that you really WILL leave if there isn't a compromise reached. I say compromise because I agree that kicking her out with a child would be hard (hence my suggestion above) but he also needs to realise that she can't be allowed to treat you both (all) like this. She's basically abandoned her child anyway. I think she's using the child, I think she knows that if she didn't have a child she'd be out on her butt.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Can u please specify your answer to my question number 3? Are u saying i have to do it legally since my stepdaughter has already rights of residency for living with us in over 2 years?

Of course i want to do it legally so i won't be in trouble.thanks for all your replies.

The main problem is your HUSBAND wants her to stay. You can't kick her out if a fellow resident has her as a guest, which he does.

[PaulnUsa 19]

Hello Fellow VJ Members,

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Please i apologise if this is a long story but please i need ur help.

Well..i am a member here for quite a while now( aka Happywifeymom).I never had serious issues with my husband till now.And please don't judge me ,,i just need any advice you can give me as i am sooo confused with what to do in my situation.

Thank you so very much.

Best way is to make it so that the daughter does not want to live there. Also hint around to your husband that if she stays he may lose you. She is an adult and should be getting a job and supporting her own life. She only wants to be there because life is easy. If life was not easy she would not want to be there.

[Moomin 292]

This is beyond being a breadwinner and allowing your stepdaughter to stay in the house. She's lullaby'ing herself into laziness and getting away with it. Locking herself into a room and not giving you the change to say yes or no is manipulating you into lack of choice.

She is not only an adult. She is a mother with responsibilities. If she needs a babysitter every night and expects it that way I'd suggest she starts paying for one.

Another thing is that children pick up on behavior so fast. She is in a not direct way teaching your children that laziness is rewarded. Make her in charge of dinner a couple of times a week.

I'm sorry if it sounds judgmental since I do not know her or your family. But kicking her out might be a solution that your husband is going to blame you for in the long run.