Advice on infidelity/lying

[worththerisk? 1]

I posted this in the off topic forum, but noticed a lot of similar issues in this forum so maybe I will get some extra advice here. If there is anyone out there who has been through anything similar I would really appreciate your response. I have never dealt with anything like this before in past relationships. Frankly, I can't stop thinking about it and it is most certainly affecting my decision on whether we should continue to proceed with our paperwork.

I'll try to be brief.

I am the beneficiary, currently still residing in my country with our i130 pending. We have been married just under a year, have an infant, visit often (at least once a month).

On and off in our relationship I have caught him lying to me, small stuff, however it adds up. During visits I have walked in on him doing things that he did not wish me to see. Recently has been my discovery that he has interest in another woman. He has went as far as to look into plane tickets to go see her. I noted a lot of texting going on between then and phone calls (which he later erased the history for). He has attempted to hide the entire relationship from me later claiming they were just friends. I found out later that she is a love interest from his past. Someone he wanted very much but never got the chance who he recently found on face book.

Although he still denies anything happened (or that he planned on seeing her), he did email her breaking it off and allowed me to watch him send it. He claims that he would never cheat on me, that it only would have happened with her because she was a love from so long ago.

I need advice and help with this...

Can I trust him and move past this? Is it true the phase "once a cheater, always a cheater?" He admitted to cheating on a past girlfriend but said he felt horrible about doing it. I never thought it could happen to us. Obviously I really don't want to leave my country to move in with a man who will only break my heart. I guess there is no certainty either way, at some point I'll have to have faith in either direction... but maybe there are signs that help point one way or the other. The hardest part for me is my fear that I can't trust him now, can't forgive. Maybe everything he has said has been a lie? Then of course on the flip side I question why he would have gone through so much trouble to be with me (he moved across state to be closer to me) and file for a visa to bring me here? It doesn't make sense that he would do so much, just to throw it all away.

I am having a hard time especially because I have not gone through this before, nor has anyone I know. There is just no one to talk to.

If there is someone reading this who has been cheated on or cheated in the past and knows a little more about the nature of this kind of act I would appreciate your help (posted here or in private message).

Maybe the temptation is greater because I am not normally with him and will get better once I move here? By the looks of it, infidelity seems like a common occurrence (reading some of the posts here). That saddens me as I could never do that to him or anyone I loved. The thought of even looking at other men... well I just don't. I love my husband so much...

Thank you for your time.

[Casprd 167]

I guess the question would be, since the episode where he emailed her breaking it off, has he continued to try to hide his actions from you? That would be the most telling sign. The fact that he cheated on an old girlfriend doesn't make him a lifelong cheater. There is no knowing what the circumstances were at the time. If he cheated on her but continued the relationship with her for a while after then that would be a bad precedent.

The only sound advice I could offer would be to talk sincerely and openly about this. Don't go in to the conversation accusing him of cheating or saying that you can't trust him, but rather just that you have some concerns and you want to discuss them. You are getting ready to give up everything you know and go to another country so he should be open and supportive and willing to reassure you that everything is fine. If he gets angry or dismissive (whether he is cheating or not) then that is a bad sign for the future anyway and better to know this now than find out after you move.

[patient2010 93]

Hmmmmm good luck with ur decision.....

[belinda63 3,039]

If you don't trust the other person how do you plan to marry them? How do you know that as soon as you left he didn't email her and make another date?

Sorry but I was in a VERY bad relationship for many years and lack of trust was the root of the problem. If you are going to be constantly reading his email, checking his phone, following him, wondering where he is when he is late coming home, etc. What kind of life would that be?

This is a personal situation and I would suggest a long, heart-to-heart talk but the question of trust is a big one.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

The most important component of a marriage is trust. Trust has to be earned. I would not move in with somebody I don't trust or until I trust them not to betray my trust.

[Fandango 1,439]

When there's doubt, there's no doubt.

[jrmejia 31]

TRUST is everything. Don't look too much to microscopy things. Concentrate on TRUST and other important things like the baby! No one is perfect. There is always room for errors and improvement.

You guys will be just fine.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

If you are in a relationship where you don't have trust you are in an abusive relationship. You may not be getting beaten black and blue but you are being torn apart piece by piece and it isn't healthy for you or your child. It won't get better, men like that don't change overnight. If it is a immaturity thing he may change with age, if it is a predatory sex thing he will probably never change. Take care of yourself and your child first.

[Ning 619]

I posted this in the off topic forum, but noticed a lot of similar issues in this forum so maybe I will get some extra advice here. If there is anyone out there who has been through anything similar I would really appreciate your response. I have never dealt with anything like this before in past relationships. Frankly, I can't stop thinking about it and it is most certainly affecting my decision on whether we should continue to proceed with our paperwork.

I'll try to be brief.

I am the beneficiary, currently still residing in my country with our i130 pending. We have been married just under a year, have an infant, visit often (at least once a month).

On and off in our relationship I have caught him lying to me, small stuff, however it adds up. During visits I have walked in on him doing things that he did not wish me to see. Recently has been my discovery that he has interest in another woman. He has went as far as to look into plane tickets to go see her. I noted a lot of texting going on between then and phone calls (which he later erased the history for). He has attempted to hide the entire relationship from me later claiming they were just friends. I found out later that she is a love interest from his past. Someone he wanted very much but never got the chance who he recently found on face book.

Although he still denies anything happened (or that he planned on seeing her), he did email her breaking it off and allowed me to watch him send it. He claims that he would never cheat on me, that it only would have happened with her because she was a love from so long ago.

I need advice and help with this...

Can I trust him and move past this? Is it true the phase "once a cheater, always a cheater?" He admitted to cheating on a past girlfriend but said he felt horrible about doing it. I never thought it could happen to us. Obviously I really don't want to leave my country to move in with a man who will only break my heart. I guess there is no certainty either way, at some point I'll have to have faith in either direction... but maybe there are signs that help point one way or the other. The hardest part for me is my fear that I can't trust him now, can't forgive. Maybe everything he has said has been a lie? Then of course on the flip side I question why he would have gone through so much trouble to be with me (he moved across state to be closer to me) and file for a visa to bring me here? It doesn't make sense that he would do so much, just to throw it all away.

I am having a hard time especially because I have not gone through this before, nor has anyone I know. There is just no one to talk to.

If there is someone reading this who has been cheated on or cheated in the past and knows a little more about the nature of this kind of act I would appreciate your help (posted here or in private message).

Maybe the temptation is greater because I am not normally with him and will get better once I move here? By the looks of it, infidelity seems like a common occurrence (reading some of the posts here). That saddens me as I could never do that to him or anyone I loved. The thought of even looking at other men... well I just don't. I love my husband so much...

Thank you for your time.

Do you really need people you dont know to figure out what you should do? If you are that uncertian of yourself & how you feel you should not waste anymore time on this. What you seek & need will not come from a lier. Why enter into a life based in lies & mystery? If you do then you should never complain when it gets worse.

Moving here will cause you to become a prisoner of the situation. You will then begin to ask if you can get your green card while involved in a divorce. This is common here on V J.

The real question is, can you live with the fact that your husband maintains a relationship outside the marrige. Why does he want to bring you here while doing this to you? Total lack of respect & zero foundation of trust. That is a recipe for impending disaster.

I was a victim of this before I met my husband & came to America. I left the lier behind & so should you. I am sorry you are in this situation.

[joyjohn 18]

iam sorry....but some people just have to get run over by the train before they learn to move off the tracks!!!! iam a man , iam 8492 miles from my wife, I GIVE HER NO REASON NOT TO TRUST ME.......end of story..... you know the answer already!

[sara..... 371]

This is just my own opinion........but when you marry someone your trusting that person with your life.....do you trust this person that much?

sara

[HappyRs 8]

I was cheated before! Actually I found out that he was in a 2 year relationship with a woman I knew and respected when he and I hooked up (so that makes me the other woman, even if I had no idea). I found out too late, 1.5 years in our relationship. I cannot tell you how sincere he seemed when he was denying everything (and I thought I can "read" people very well). I trusted him, but once the trust was broken, there was nothing that could mend it. I felt sick to my stomach, disgusted...and I knew there was no more future for us. The doubt would have been unbearable and the lies too painful.

I don't think you deserve to start a marriage like that...I think you deserve so much better. I made the best decision of my life and I am in a wonderful, healthy marriage now. I wish you all the best and a wonderful future, no matter the decision you make.

[Lisa & Vinko 9]

The answer to why he would go through so much to be with you is that some people are that dysfunctional to do just that, while maintaining their agenda of being with whomever, whenever. Not only would it really require trust on your part to stay, but a rebuild of how this guy sees life. My guess is he lacks the skills to regain your trust if he's willing to do something that messed up.

[J&N* 68]

First of all, I'm very sorry about what happened to you, you have a child together and he should act more responsible than this. I've had an ex like this, we'd fight all the time and I never never felt happy, but I couldn't get myself to break up with him (now I'm glad I did)

You can forgive him, but you yourself said, you won't be able to trust him, and from his past, he seems like he tends to repeat cheating on you (feeling horrible about it isn't enough, he should have stopped) I miss my country so much, I miss my family and friends and some days, I wish I can live there again. You really gotta consider this, is he worth that?? I've noticed, that when a partner cheats, especially in what seems to be a serious relationship, he/she doesn't feel their partner is good enough for them, they think they can do better. (in the reality, it's not true, it's their insecurities that makes them think if they have someone they couldn't have, then they're worth a lot)

It's really YOUR decision. I've learned that on this site, you can give a million advice to someone, and unless they WANT to, they wouldn't take it. This is your life, do whatever you want, but play future scenarios in your head before you decide.

Best of luck.

[worththerisk? 1]

I would like to thank everyone who has taken their time to reply to my post. I'm getting the impression from most that it's best to move on. A lot of me agrees with this opinion as I do have deep concern that remaining married to him will only result in more lies.

It's a rough one though. When I married him I had no doubt he was faithful, true. When we discovered our pregnancy although worried the choice seemed right to have her. All of this has been taken away and I am now forced to make a choice I never asked for.

I know it may seem silly to be asking people I don't know for advice. I guess I was hoping someone here may have gone through this (including the living in separate countries) and would have some tips on how they worked through it, if things repeated or how they moved on.

To be clear, although giving up is a possibility, I don't want

to make that choice. I would prefer to find a way to get better, to mend what's broken.

The jury is still out. Certainly nothing I can figure out over night. This whole mess hasn't been easy on him either. I just wish it never happened.

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate your time.