FAMILY ACCEPTANCE

[Mithra 1,185]

How does talking to a teenage son and his friends make it ok for a 35 yr old woman to develop a love relationship with a 19 yr old boy? I don't often agree with Hanging in There but I also have a 14 yr old son and God help any 35 yr old woman if she goes after my boy when he's 19. I understand that the OP stated that she wasn't aware of her SO's age until several months after chatting and didn't even know what he looked like. Ok fine. But then if she knew that little about the guy how was it that she was able to develop such a strong feeling of love towards him? Once she discovered he was that young she should've shown some self restraint and either dismissed him or only continued to speak with him on a friend level. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what this thread is about so much but it's just so hard for some of us to believe this relationship was allowed to continue.

I speak with my teenage son and his friends on a mom level. I can't relate to them on a friend level or God forbid, a romantic level. I'm the mom. I certainly would never "socialize" with them. I doubt most mothers "socialize" with their teenagers and their friends. You can't exactly mother your children efficiently if you're busy socializing with them and acting like their friend.

MashALLAH to Mohammedsgirl, she asked for advice and opinions not for all the judgement. Bitterness seems to have seeped into your heart since your last relationship. No matter the opinion, GOD's destiny is in everyone's life including yours. Whether the results are amazing or heartbreaking she's already started her journey with him. Your life must not be too social if you don't know your sons friends and talk to them more than just "where's your backpack and what will you major in at school?". I made especially sure to know my childrens friends and they were always welcome in my home and I learned alot from them and they knew they always had someone to turn to if they needed. Where do you think children and young adults learn their wisdom from? How do we continue to learn if we cut off conversation from people of certain ages?

Saying the relationship between a man and woman of this age is an insult about our Prophet Muhammad (SAW). In Islam the love is about the character not the face or age, this is speaking about a true practicing Muslim. Why not wish her the best and support her as a sister, regardless of her religion or her age. When you make this implication you are also making it about the young man. I doubt you ever spoken to him so you are judging him too. Please expand your mind and get out and volunteer with the younger generation you may learn something. You would be truly amazed what you would learn from them and they are our future you know. They will be taking care of us when we are old, better to understand than not be able to communicate with them at all. I wish you the best.

He is a child. At 22 he is a junior or senior in college, can barely drink in the USA and has been involved with you since he was in his teens. Its very cougarish and frankly if anyone like you got ahold of my child 3 years from now, my 10th grader, when he is 18, I would be reading you the riot act. Do you have a child that age, especially a boy? Its really really gross frankly. I dont care what anyone here says. No boy who is 19 has ANYTHING in common with a woman in her mid 30s. If he was in his late 20s, I could somehow see this but he was a child when you met him

Why were you chatting with a teen regularly when you were in your mid thirties.? what could you possibly have in common with a child?

[brighteyes1 0]

How does talking to a teenage son and his friends make it ok for a 35 yr old woman to develop a love relationship with a 19 yr old boy? I don't often agree with Hanging in There but I also have a 14 yr old son and God help any 35 yr old woman if she goes after my boy when he's 19. I understand that the OP stated that she wasn't aware of her SO's age until several months after chatting and didn't even know what he looked like. Ok fine. But then if she knew that little about the guy how was it that she was able to develop such a strong feeling of love towards him? Once she discovered he was that young she should've shown some self restraint and either dismissed him or only continued to speak with him on a friend level. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what this thread is about so much but it's just so hard for some of us to believe this relationship was allowed to continue.

I speak with my teenage son and his friends on a mom level. I can't relate to them on a friend level or God forbid, a romantic level. I'm the mom. I certainly would never "socialize" with them. I doubt most mothers "socialize" with their teenagers and their friends. You can't exactly mother your children efficiently if you're busy socializing with them and acting like their friend.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

One thing to thing about is what happens in couples situations? How will your mid 30's friends feel about having your very young spouse in their circle of friends. How will he feel when he has friends that are age mates and they want to go out as couples ? Are you going to do a mosh pit or whatever 20 somethings do now days. My first husband married a girl the same age as our daughter and he looks like a fool trying to pretend he is 30 when he is over 50.

[brighteyes1 0]

Having dinner, a picnic, school activities, family gatherings those are all socializing. I didn't mention anything about pursuing a young person nor did I say it was for me to approve or disapprove of her relationship. Regardless of whether we like it or not 18 is considered an adult, and some may be emotionally and mentally mature at that age and some may not. Mohammedsgirl just asked for advice and opionons not for insults. What if at 19 your son pursues a 35 year old woman? It's so easy to judge others when your not in their shoes and it's always best not to because GOD has the power to put us in others shoes and experience the same thing. No one said I was a "friend" to my children, all are self supporting, healthy minded and respect me as their mother not their friend. And as far my children's friends, all the mothers were the same we all had concern for our children as mothers and they respected us as mothers. Isn't the fact that we don't socialize enough with our children that this country is going to pot with education, with drug addiction, with teenage pregnancy and so on? Just a thought. No insult intended to anyone.

There is an Arabic wisdom that says, "The wise has his tongue behind his heart the foolish has his tongue before his heart", which means the wise thinks before he talks and the foolish just says whatever he says before thinking.

A person can advise a person in a civil manner on this web site without making them regret that they trusted their feelings here on VJ. We all have our relationships and most of us wish each other well instead of condemning others. Love is love regardless of age, religion, looks, money, anything. So if people cannot believe that this young man might actually be mature enough mentally to have a relationship then why do we allow drinking at this age? Doesn't that distort their maturity and judgement even more?

I've never involved myself in conversations here but it's sad to read so much condemnation constantly towards people seeking advice.

How does talking to a teenage son and his friends make it ok for a 35 yr old woman to develop a love relationship with a 19 yr old boy? I don't often agree with Hanging in There but I also have a 14 yr old son and God help any 35 yr old woman if she goes after my boy when he's 19. I understand that the OP stated that she wasn't aware of her SO's age until several months after chatting and didn't even know what he looked like. Ok fine. But then if she knew that little about the guy how was it that she was able to develop such a strong feeling of love towards him? Once she discovered he was that young she should've shown some self restraint and either dismissed him or only continued to speak with him on a friend level. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what this thread is about so much but it's just so hard for some of us to believe this relationship was allowed to continue.

I speak with my teenage son and his friends on a mom level. I can't relate to them on a friend level or God forbid, a romantic level. I'm the mom. I certainly would never "socialize" with them. I doubt most mothers "socialize" with their teenagers and their friends. You can't exactly mother your children efficiently if you're busy socializing with them and acting like their friend.

[Mithra 1,185]

Are you seriously equating the right to drink with maturity level?

Believe me, I thought about what I've said before typing it in here. I don't think I'm exactly foolish in my thinking or what I've said. If you think it's ok for a 35 year old woman to involve herself with a teenage boy, that's fine.

It's a good thing my son is a US citizen who isn't in need of a visa so I doubt I have to worry about him pursuing a 35 year old woman when he's 19.

[Crossed_fingers 128]

It's a good thing my son is a US citizen who isn't in need of a visa so I doubt I have to worry about him pursuing a 35 year old woman when he's 19.

That sums it up pretty well.

[mohammedsgirl 2]

HOW DARE YOU !!!!! Who exactly do you think you are to imply in your sneaky way that my fiance' is with me for a VISA?! I must say that I respect everyone on this forum who have given me their opinions both negative and positive except for 2 of you that seem to find pleasure in being rude. I seriously step back and take a look at your posts and realize on my own that Mohammed has more integrity and love in his heart for all people in his little finger than you do in all of you. Immature? Um, the way I am seeing it at this very moment is that the only mature attitude even after him hearing what you have to say about him....a man you have never met....is his. He does not pass judgement on you even now. Instead he tells me to look at us and what we are and ignore the ignorance in spiteful people. I will tell you this....in the 3 years I have known this man, he has never asked me for money or possessions or anything. The only thing he has asked of me is to be patient while he finishes his college because he realizes that when he comes here he will not only be getting a wife....he will be getting 3 children. Those words came from his mouth, not mine. Immature? Let me ask you....If he is with me for a green card....Tell me why he asks me to be patient for another 2 years so he can finish his college? Why does he tell me the decision is all mine if I am willing to put my life on hold for him so he can accomplish his goal? Most importantly....I offered for him to finish his college here and I would take care of all he needed. He downright refused. He refuses to take any money from me. Greencard?????? Once again... HOW DARE YOU!!!! If you want to continue to be rude about someone you do not even know....please....do not do it with me. I have never experienced the bitterness you portray here. Just leave me and Mohammed alone. If what we are is so gross to you....then stay away from it. Thank you in advance.

Edited January 31, 2011 by mohammedsgirl

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

HOW DARE YOU !!!!! Who exactly do you think you are to imply in your sneaky way that my fiance' is with me for a VISA?! I must say that I respect everyone on this forum who have given me their opinions both negative and positive except for 2 of you that seem to find pleasure in being rude. I seriously step back and take a look at your posts and realize on my own that Mohammed has more integrity and love in his heart for all people in his little finger than you do in all of you. Immature? Um, the way I am seeing it at this very moment is that the only mature attitude even after him hearing what you have to say about him....a man you have never met....is his. He does not pass judgement on you even now. Instead he tells me to look at us and what we are and ignore the ignorance in spiteful people. I will tell you this....in the 3 years I have known this man, he has never asked me for money or possessions or anything. The only thing he has asked of me is to be patient while he finishes his college because he realizes that when he comes here he will not only be getting a wife....he will be getting 3 children. Those words came from his mouth, not mine. Immature? Let me ask you....If he is with me for a green card....Tell me why he asks me to be patient for another 2 years so he can finish his college? Why does he tell me the decision is all mine if I am willing to put my life on hold for him so he can accomplish his goal? Most importantly....I offered for him to finish his college here and I would take care of all he needed. He downright refused. He refuses to take any money from me. Greencard?????? Once again... HOW DARE YOU!!!! If you want to continue to be rude about someone you do not even know....please....do not do it with me. I have never experienced the bitterness you portray here. Just leave me and Mohammed alone. If what we are is so gross to you....then stay away from it. Thank you in advance.

How old are your kids? If you started at lets say, 18, You have a 16 to 20 year old right now. And you want to marry a 22 year old? Are you not seeing this clearly? You have 3 kids and you want to bring a 22 year old here to parent them. Are any of them girls? Someone for the love of god needs to talk to you or you need to see a therapist to figure out why you think you have anything in common as an adult female with a teenager. Hes a child. You are almost 40. Its weird. I am sorry.

That sums it up pretty well.

All I can say is that as the mother of an almost 16 year old, it makes me want to have him go to college here in town in case some graduate student from god knows where wants to fix her papers.

I am sorry. I know sometimes my crayon box is missing a couple of colors but I am a mom and this whole thread makes my stomach hurt

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Good grief

[Staashi 371]

HOW DARE YOU !!!!! Who exactly do you think you are to imply in your sneaky way that my fiance' is with me for a VISA?! I must say that I respect everyone on this forum who have given me their opinions both negative and positive except for 2 of you that seem to find pleasure in being rude. I seriously step back and take a look at your posts and realize on my own that Mohammed has more integrity and love in his heart for all people in his little finger than you do in all of you. Immature? Um, the way I am seeing it at this very moment is that the only mature attitude even after him hearing what you have to say about him....a man you have never met....is his. He does not pass judgement on you even now. Instead he tells me to look at us and what we are and ignore the ignorance in spiteful people. I will tell you this....in the 3 years I have known this man, he has never asked me for money or possessions or anything. The only thing he has asked of me is to be patient while he finishes his college because he realizes that when he comes here he will not only be getting a wife....he will be getting 3 children. Those words came from his mouth, not mine. Immature? Let me ask you....If he is with me for a green card....Tell me why he asks me to be patient for another 2 years so he can finish his college? Why does he tell me the decision is all mine if I am willing to put my life on hold for him so he can accomplish his goal? Most importantly....I offered for him to finish his college here and I would take care of all he needed. He downright refused. He refuses to take any money from me. Greencard?????? Once again... HOW DARE YOU!!!! If you want to continue to be rude about someone you do not even know....please....do not do it with me. I have never experienced the bitterness you portray here. Just leave me and Mohammed alone. If what we are is so gross to you....then stay away from it. Thank you in advance.

Please know that the embassy (based on age difference alone) will be implying and judging him with the understanding that he just is with you for a visa. Learn how to defend yourself now, because you will be doing a lot of it soon. It is a historically verified red flag for mena relationships and you should be prepared. Just sayin'.

[Ban Hammer 12,829]

thread closed. frankly, i'm disappointed that this thread turned into a soapbox for some to pass judgment on an individual's relationship choices rather than offering sincere, well thought out advice on how to deal with the interview when the op's process reaches that stage.