FAMILY ACCEPTANCE

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

He is a child. At 22 he is a junior or senior in college, can barely drink in the USA and has been involved with you since he was in his teens. Its very cougarish and frankly if anyone like you got ahold of my child 3 years from now, my 10th grader, when he is 18, I would be reading you the riot act. Do you have a child that age, especially a boy? Its really really gross frankly. I dont care what anyone here says. No boy who is 19 has ANYTHING in common with a woman in her mid 30s. If he was in his late 20s, I could somehow see this but he was a child when you met him

Why were you chatting with a teen regularly when you were in your mid thirties.? what could you possibly have in common with a child?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

To the US culture it is still unnatural for a man to MARRY an older woman. Cougars are accepted trainers of young men but not wife material. That is just were the average person is at mentally. ANY relationship with vast age differences is more likely to fail as the couple passes through different life stages at different times. my immediate boss is married to a woman 14 years older and has been married for 20 years. My husband is younger by 13 years. Long term you are going to have to be adaptable. Expect to get strange looks at times and to be asked if you are his mother. Just learn to let it roll off.

Older is not the issue. My great grandfather was 27 when he married my 41 year old great grandma. Both were irish immigrants. He died before her and they have3 kids, the oldest being my grandmother. The youngest baby died suddenly along with his dad.. Thats a hell of alot different than a teenager with an almost 40 year old. He hasnt had time to even breathe or learn anything about life. It creeps me out she regularly chatted with him. What does anyone that age have in common with a child? I have a teen age boy and if he was a senior in high school and he struck up some kind of chat relationship with a mid 30s woman, I certainly would not be cool with it. If he moved out, there would be nothing I could do but I would not encourage it. I want him to be with women the same age or a little older, not women who could have given birth to him.. YUCK YUCK AND YUCK as a mom of a boy

There is a rule even for cougars.. Cut your age in half and add 7. If its younger than that,, its just gross

[msheesha 548]

Is that rule in the Cougars' Handbook?

[Mithra 1,185]

Naturally. I don't think any of it comes off as a true business transation. But if you think about it, that's how it generally works with MENA marrying MENA. The husband's family basically makes a deal with the wife's family. Gold and other objects are used as currency. Now with MENA marrying a Western wife sure there's a level of deceit somewhere. Deceit sounds so sinister though. I don't think it's always ill intentioned deceit but who is going to say - look I'm marrying you because I think we're good together and because it's a good opportunity for me. Which I think happens more often than not.

True, however, I don't think it usually goes down that the man proposes a business transaction and the woman interprets it as a declaration of love. The man would know that if he were forthcoming about his reasons for marriage, that it would not work with a Western woman. So there has to be a certain amount of deceit involved.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Sorry to keep fixating on age, but... This is something I have been wondering for awhile: does anyone know any couples (from VJ or real life) that are made up of an American woman past childbearing age and a young MENA man with no kids of his own that has lasted past the greencard/citizenship stage? It is just really hard for me to imagine how this could be successful. Eventually, doesn’t the MENA man always want kids of his own?

*Edit: not trying to make a judgement about OP having kids, really just a question I've been thinking about.

Mine. I'm 21 years older than my Moroccan husband, raised five kids, and have no kids with my current husband, who's 36. We're going strong and it just keeps getting better. I'm only 5 years younger than my MIL. We've been together 10 years, married 6, living together almost 3 years. He's going for citizenship soon.

I am Arab, tho, and know his culture well, speak the language since my family has been in Morocco since the 1960s. I have to agree that for non-Muslim American women, the odds of a successful marriage with an imported Arab Muslim man are bad, and the age gap here more of an issue since he is so young.

[Ban Hammer 12,841]

compose your posts with more care. any more judgmental comments about the age difference will result in a thread ban.

[Aly174 9]

Is that rule in the Cougars' Handbook?

I don't recall seeing it in mine, relieved to know I didn't break it though...

Anyway, kidding aside...I do get and understand the point that "Hanging in There" is trying to make that it's not so much the age gap as she illustrated in the example she gave of her grandparents but the actual age itself.I respect her opinion on this and agree to an extent, my husband and I have 10 yrs between us and personally I don't know that he or any of the 18-20 yr old guys I've known ever would honestly be fully prepared for this kind of relationship or marriage She is right this age is a time of growing, finding oneself and place in the world and ppl change sometimes drastically from late teens through 20's.I I think we all are different and have different views and wants/needs than we did when we were this age. There are always exceptions to the rule, perhaps he is one of them...we don't have the entire story and therefore have no way of knowing exactly what the situation is..We can speculate all we want and give our opinions on the matter but at the end of the day, this site is designed to help and she didn't come here looking for approval of her relationship but instead advice and insight on what to expect of the process itself from those of us who have been there already. I think she has a difficult enough road ahead from the sounds of things, she doesn't need to feel she will be attacked on here.

[Aly174 9]

compose your posts with more care. any more judgmental comments about the age difference will result in a thread ban.

Thanks, I think we need to keep in mind why we are here

[Jenn! 918]

Kat, good thing your great-grandmother wasn't one year older 'cuz that would have been gross!!!!!

Edited January 28, 2011 by Jenn!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

My concern is not just the age difference in the eyes of the consulate...I am concerned about the religous differences although we have both accepted and respected each other for who we are.

Only my opinion, but the cultural differences are more problematic than the age or religious differences. Religious differences rank high, especially if he is from a strict Muslim family. I'm Palestinian and from a strict Muslim family, too, but my first husband was Lebanese Christian. We married at 18, and made it work. A lot of our success depended on strong family support, shared values, and common cultural bonds.

Where we're from, Muslim, Christians and Jews knew each other, depended on each other and showed a mutual respect for each other, and knew what to expect from each other. Our families went back generations in business and life, so there was a lot of trust. Back then, each group put more emphasis on what they had in common than what could divide them. This is harder to come by these days.

It's important to know if your young man and his family regularly socialize with non-Muslim friends, and that he has a clear understanding of the religious differences between them. If he marries a non-Muslim and becomes more secular, that could put a wedge between his family and him and they will blame you. There is simply no way to determine how cultural differences will affect your relationship, but, if you can accept that Arab women raise their daughters and love their sons, it will not bother you so much if he has a pretty traditional mindset about male and female roles and responsibilities which you may not appreciate, and that he may not be able to live up to in the states. Some good couples I know from here have divorced over that.

All in all, it's imperative that you be realistic, despite your feelings for him. Life is rather unforgiving of our missteps, especially when they could have been avoided with a little common sense. It is true that the divorce rate is quite high between western women and MENA men on this board. Frankly, I think a lot of the women have been dreaming of life with an exotic "pet" for a husband, and a lot of the men have been taught that while a "real man" can control his woman, he couldn't. I know that sounds like stereotypes, but, hey, it is what it is.

Best wishes, whatever you decide.

[MrsAmera 41]

Sofiyya has given some great advice. Will it be a problem with the consulate - hard to know but there's a good chance it will come up. If they investigate further, such as a home visit, and the boys family states their dislike of the relationship, that could be a problem certainly. Religious differences - yea that will probably come up too. The fact that you have children from a prev. relationship - yup that will come up too.

There are a lot of stories on here, in this scenario...sadly very few pan out long term. Doesn't mean yours won't but I encourage you to really take a hard look at things. I'm sure he's a sweetheart, he's a nice guy. I'm 26 and honestly, even if he was a sweetie I would really really really have a hard time with a 22 year old as a partner. My husband and I met when I was 19 and he 20, we married at 20 and 21. Getting the visa will be the smallest hurdle. When/if he comes here will be the real challenge and one I encourage you to think about without blinders.

I had lived on my own, paid my own bills, had my own job etc when my husband came. He had no clue how to do any of these things, barely spoke the language and had never left home. I didn't get a partner. It took a long time for him to adjust to life in the US and I know that a big part of that was his age. He just hadn't had to do any of those things yet. It might not seem like a big deal now, but down the road rest assured it will be WAY bigger than what you're worried about now. I'm not saying these things to be mean to you - but I've been there.

We have now been together for 6 years - married for 5. If god forbid something ever happened and I was single...there is not a chance in he*** I would do this process again.

[brighteyes1 0]

MashALLAH to Mohammedsgirl, she asked for advice and opinions not for all the judgement. Bitterness seems to have seeped into your heart since your last relationship. No matter the opinion, GOD's destiny is in everyone's life including yours. Whether the results are amazing or heartbreaking she's already started her journey with him. Your life must not be too social if you don't know your sons friends and talk to them more than just "where's your backpack and what will you major in at school?". I made especially sure to know my childrens friends and they were always welcome in my home and I learned alot from them and they knew they always had someone to turn to if they needed. Where do you think children and young adults learn their wisdom from? How do we continue to learn if we cut off conversation from people of certain ages?

Saying the relationship between a man and woman of this age is an insult about our Prophet Muhammad (SAW). In Islam the love is about the character not the face or age, this is speaking about a true practicing Muslim. Why not wish her the best and support her as a sister, regardless of her religion or her age. When you make this implication you are also making it about the young man. I doubt you ever spoken to him so you are judging him too. Please expand your mind and get out and volunteer with the younger generation you may learn something. You would be truly amazed what you would learn from them and they are our future you know. They will be taking care of us when we are old, better to understand than not be able to communicate with them at all. I wish you the best.

I have a 15 year old son. If in 3 years, as a high school senior, he struck up a relationship with a 35 year old, which is what ages match the situation, I dont know about the rest of you, but I would be reading her the riot act. I can somehow visualise late 20s (with difficulty) but a man child? Its child abuse as far as I am concerned and bordering on predatory. What normal 35 year old woman has anything to share with an 18 year old? I would be trying to ask his mom about what college he was going to or trying to be an older sister or a mom to him. My living youngest is 6 and I have a teen and I would be comepletely pissed and flipping out if some older woman put her fangs into him. Thats really gross and says alot about the petitioner as far as I am concerned. As a mom of a teen, it really hits home. When are we as women supposed to act motherly and mature? What age is too young? Does someone 35 really have anything at all to say to an 18 year old except...wheres your backpack and what will you major in at school?

He is a child. At 22 he is a junior or senior in college, can barely drink in the USA and has been involved with you since he was in his teens. Its very cougarish and frankly if anyone like you got ahold of my child 3 years from now, my 10th grader, when he is 18, I would be reading you the riot act. Do you have a child that age, especially a boy? Its really really gross frankly. I dont care what anyone here says. No boy who is 19 has ANYTHING in common with a woman in her mid 30s. If he was in his late 20s, I could somehow see this but he was a child when you met him

Why were you chatting with a teen regularly when you were in your mid thirties.? what could you possibly have in common with a child?

Edited January 30, 2011 by brighteyes1

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

MashALLAH to Mohammedsgirl, she asked for advice and opinions not for all the judgement. Bitterness seems to have seeped into your heart since your last relationship. No matter the opinion, GOD's destiny is in everyone's life including yours. Whether the results are amazing or heartbreaking she's already started her journey with him. Your life must not be too social if you don't know your sons friends and talk to them more than just "where's your backpack and what will you major in at school?". I made especially sure to know my childrens friends and they were always welcome in my home and I learned alot from them and they knew they always had someone to turn to if they needed. Where do you think children and young adults learn their wisdom from? How do we continue to learn if we cut off conversation from people of certain ages?

Saying the relationship between a man and woman of this age is an insult about our Prophet Muhammad (SAW). In Islam the love is about the character not the face or age, this is speaking about a true practicing Muslim. Why not wish her the best and support her as a sister, regardless of her religion or her age. When you make this implication you are also making it about the young man. I doubt you ever spoken to him so you are judging him too. Please expand your mind and get out and volunteer with the younger generation you may learn something. You would be truly amazed what you would learn from them and they are our future you know. They will be taking care of us when we are old, better to understand than not be able to communicate with them at all. I wish you the best.

I think there is a big difference between talking to someone who is a teen when you are 35 and then pursuing a romantic relationship with them. Healthy mid thirties women dont talk to teens. My mind is expanded. I have a child close in age to when they started the relationship and frankly, I would not have been ok as a mom with that all. If anyone on here has an 18 year old or an age close and would be completley ok if he took up with a 35 year old, hats off to you. I am sure not with you. I love and parent and care for my son. I dont want someone twice his age pursuing him just out of high school

He is a child. At 22 he is a junior or senior in college, can barely drink in the USA and has been involved with you since he was in his teens. Its very cougarish and frankly if anyone like you got ahold of my child 3 years from now, my 10th grader, when he is 18, I would be reading you the riot act. Do you have a child that age, especially a boy? Its really really gross frankly. I dont care what anyone here says. No boy who is 19 has ANYTHING in common with a woman in her mid 30s. If he was in his late 20s, I could somehow see this but he was a child when you met him

Why were you chatting with a teen regularly when you were in your mid thirties.? what could you possibly have in common with a child?

I think there is a big difference between talking to someone who is a teen when you are 35 and then pursuing a romantic relationship with them. Healthy mid thirties women dont talk to teens. My mind is expanded. I have a child close in age to when they started the relationship and frankly, I would not have been ok as a mom with that all. If anyone on here has an 18 year old or an age close and would be completley ok if he took up with a 35 year old, hats off to you. I am sure not with you. I love and parent and care for my son. I dont want someone twice his age pursuing him just out of high school

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Sofiyya has given some great advice. Will it be a problem with the consulate - hard to know but there's a good chance it will come up. If they investigate further, such as a home visit, and the boys family states their dislike of the relationship, that could be a problem certainly. Religious differences - yea that will probably come up too. The fact that you have children from a prev. relationship - yup that will come up too.

There are a lot of stories on here, in this scenario...sadly very few pan out long term. Doesn't mean yours won't but I encourage you to really take a hard look at things. I'm sure he's a sweetheart, he's a nice guy. I'm 26 and honestly, even if he was a sweetie I would really really really have a hard time with a 22 year old as a partner. My husband and I met when I was 19 and he 20, we married at 20 and 21. Getting the visa will be the smallest hurdle. When/if he comes here will be the real challenge and one I encourage you to think about without blinders.

I had lived on my own, paid my own bills, had my own job etc when my husband came. He had no clue how to do any of these things, barely spoke the language and had never left home. I didn't get a partner. It took a long time for him to adjust to life in the US and I know that a big part of that was his age. He just hadn't had to do any of those things yet. It might not seem like a big deal now, but down the road rest assured it will be WAY bigger than what you're worried about now. I'm not saying these things to be mean to you - but I've been there.

We have now been together for 6 years - married for 5. If god forbid something ever happened and I was single...there is not a chance in he*** I would do this process again.

AMEN..

It doesnt mean it was not worthy as far as an experience but it was super hard for the petitioner even in the best of circumstances..the visa is the easy part

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Kat, good thing your great-grandmother wasn't one year older 'cuz that would have been gross!!!!!

And I wouldnt be here. I have to mention though one thing. She shaved 10 years off her age and he never knew. We didnt even find out about the age difference until the mid 90s, like 50 years after she was dead when we were looking for birth certificates. None of us think he ever really knew. He was bald at 27 with crooked teeth and she was a beautiful blond irish woman from Poughkeepsie. She was a seamstress and he was a mailman and they were my g grandparents...heheh