Wife changes after entering us

[david225 0]

My wife has only been here in the United States for a year. We are going back to her country in jan or feb. She comes from a poor family but now that she is here in the united states, she is trying to live like we are rich or have alot of money when we dont. She wants to buy all these gifts for everybody back home, wants to buy all these new clothes just to go on the trip,wants to spend way more money than what we can afford right now just to try to keep up an impression. i feel like she wants her family to think that she is doing much better than she really is and now that she is in the united states that she is wealthy. has any body else experienced anything like this? what should i do, i try to sit down and talk to her but thats not working. what should i do????

[Tero 105]

My wife has only been here in the United States for a year. We are going back to her country in jan or feb. She comes from a poor family but now that she is here in the united states, she is trying to live like we are rich or have alot of money when we dont. She wants to buy all these gifts for everybody back home, wants to buy all these new clothes just to go on the trip,wants to spend way more money than what we can afford right now just to try to keep up an impression. i feel like she wants her family to think that she is doing much better than she really is and now that she is in the united states that she is wealthy. has any body else experienced anything like this? what should i do, i try to sit down and talk to her but thats not working. what should i do????

Man I feel your pain! One would think that marrying someone from a humble background would make her appreciate the little elevation and still be prudent with spending. I would have advised that you sit her down and explain everything including bank account balances, bills, and income but it seems you have already done that. Whatever attitude she is displaying is her personalty. I'd advise you make up your mind on how much you would "bend" to her will and take stand. Deny her spending for a while and she what happens. If she loves you and did not marry you because of money, she'd reason with you, otherwise ...What's the point!

[Boiler 43,508]

I would let her spend what she wants, with her own money.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

. . . or what's left of it, after she paid 50% of all living expenses.

[Fandango 1,439]

Take a starving person, put them in a moderate restaurant, and tell her 'you can only eat a little bit'

Try to understand that she has never had such things before, and 'showing off' is because she wants to show her family she's done well for herself. It's not the perfectly rational response, but try to put yourself in her shoes.

As for clothes/gifts...tell her to go to Ross, lol. Good luck!

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

Take a starving person, put them in a moderate restaurant, and tell her 'you can only eat a little bit'

Take a starving person, take 'em to a moderate restaurant, and tell them they can eat whatever they want. You go to the bathroom and when you come back, there are 3 bottles of the most expensive champagne on the table, and 3 servings of the biggest T-bone steak, enough for a family of four, seven different deserts, and so much food that another table had to be moved in.

What's the lesson to be learned here?

[Ribs & Beans 19]

She's probably also trying to prevent some of the gossip. Her family and friends WILL talk sh!t about her if she doesn't bring back a ton of clothing and gifts. I lived in the DR for a few years, and every time I made a trip to the US, it was expected that I would come back loaded. As a Dominican friend of mine put it, people think that you get off the plane in America (or "Nueba Yol") and they just hand you a giant bag of money. The gossip didn't bother me as much, bc I'm not Dominican, and my perspective on the world was different (and it wasn't my own family who was judging me), but I can see how it would bother her. I have another Dominican friend who just won't go back until he has at least $1,000 spending money to have on hand (in ADDITION to the gifts!). I guess he wants to be able to take his friends out and buy the expensive liquor, food, etc.

That being said, I totally agree with the poster who said let her pay for it herself. The Dollar Tree is my best friend, seriously. You can go there and just LOAD UP on stuff, and people have NO IDEA that it only costs a dollar! Seriously, she doesn't have to bring back name-brand stuff. At the dollar store they have hand creams, lotions, perfumes, kitchen stuff, house decorations, knick-knacks, tons of ####### like that that people will love. They also have vitamins and stuff that my Dominican family loves :-D. They are such hypochondriacs (my family), they go nuts over calcium supplements, ha ha ha. As long as it's printed in English, it's great!

Supplement your dollar store loot with a couple of name-brand things from TJMaxx/Marshall's/Ross (fitted baseball caps, hoodies, etc.). Also, check out the Goodwill (just don't tell anybody the stuff is used!)!

[Fandango 1,439]

Take a starving person, take 'em to a moderate restaurant, and tell them they can eat whatever they want. You go to the bathroom and when you come back, there are 3 bottles of the most expensive champagne on the table, and 3 servings of the biggest T-bone steak, enough for a family of four, seven different deserts, and so much food that another table had to be moved in.

What's the lesson to be learned here?

I'm not defending her actions, but I can understand the motivation behind them. Both my scenario and yours illustrates that imo *shrug*

[TracyTN 237]

She's probably also trying to prevent some of the gossip. Her family and friends WILL talk sh!t about her if she doesn't bring back a ton of clothing and gifts. I lived in the DR for a few years, and every time I made a trip to the US, it was expected that I would come back loaded. As a Dominican friend of mine put it, people think that you get off the plane in America (or "Nueba Yol") and they just hand you a giant bag of money. The gossip didn't bother me as much, bc I'm not Dominican, and my perspective on the world was different (and it wasn't my own family who was judging me), but I can see how it would bother her. I have another Dominican friend who just won't go back until he has at least $1,000 spending money to have on hand (in ADDITION to the gifts!). I guess he wants to be able to take his friends out and buy the expensive liquor, food, etc.

That being said, I totally agree with the poster who said let her pay for it herself. The Dollar Tree is my best friend, seriously. You can go there and just LOAD UP on stuff, and people have NO IDEA that it only costs a dollar! Seriously, she doesn't have to bring back name-brand stuff. At the dollar store they have hand creams, lotions, perfumes, kitchen stuff, house decorations, knick-knacks, tons of ####### like that that people will love. They also have vitamins and stuff that my Dominican family loves :-D. They are such hypochondriacs (my family), they go nuts over calcium supplements, ha ha ha. As long as it's printed in English, it's great!

Supplement your dollar store loot with a couple of name-brand things from TJMaxx/Marshall's/Ross (fitted baseball caps, hoodies, etc.). Also, check out the Goodwill (just don't tell anybody the stuff is used!)!

But isn't that sort of perpetuating the myth that Americans are loaded? Not saying it's wrong to do - but if everyone did the same thing, I can see where people in the DR would think Americans are MADE of money.

[Ribs & Beans 19]

But isn't that sort of perpetuating the myth that Americans are loaded? Not saying it's wrong to do - but if everyone did the same thing, I can see where people in the DR would think Americans are MADE of money.

You're right, it does. So each individual just has to decide between satisfying their friends and family (and feeling more comfortable themselves), or being a "crusader for the cause," so to speak, and making a statement by not bringing anything. Personally, when I go, I pretty much limit it to one gift each for family members (a few more for my husband!), and that's it. But I don't think the situation is going to change anytime soon, so if I were her, I'd probably just bring the gifts so I could have a more enjoyable visit. She only gets to spend a few days or weeks a year with her family now that she lives in the US; why have those visits overshadowed by stupid gossip?

[baron555 934]

My wife has only been here in the United States for a year. We are going back to her country in jan or feb. She comes from a poor family but now that she is here in the united states, she is trying to live like we are rich or have alot of money when we dont. She wants to buy all these gifts for everybody back home, wants to buy all these new clothes just to go on the trip,wants to spend way more money than what we can afford right now just to try to keep up an impression. i feel like she wants her family to think that she is doing much better than she really is and now that she is in the united states that she is wealthy. has any body else experienced anything like this? what should i do, i try to sit down and talk to her but thats not working. what should i do????

Shop at Walmart.....or ......tell her no. Are you the man of the family? Is she using your money? Just stop the flow.

[HYENA 4]

I was sending thousands overseas until I told her with these tough times (she's not doing much around the house at all or working or learning to get to any goals) that she needs to get a job to continue sending money home. It's not fair I'm the only one working and taking care of everyone plus all the domestic work. I thought that would set her straight but so far she's just playing computer games all day. At least if no money goes overseas, it's not on my head anymore.

[Rob and Jill 82]

Does she understand money here? I mean have you sat down and said "here is what I make, here is what we spend, and here is what is left?"

I know there are some cultures where it is expected that a married man or woman help take care of the family back home. Is this a culture that expects it?

If not, she needs to learn the fine art of budget shopping and I would suggest giving her an allowance or force her to work to support her habits. I go to 4 and sometimes 5 different stores to make sure I purchase grocery items at the lowest price possible. I also REGULARLY use The Dollar Tree for cleaning products, gifts bags, tissue paper, and sometimes gifts in general. NO ONE KNOWS!!! Local resale shops and Goodwill center frequently have BRAND NAME items WITH the original tags still attached for a fraction of the cost!

Perhaps you could cut spending elsewhere to allow a budget. Make it a game for her to cut coupons, find sales, and get discounts! Then let her have the money she saved by following those suggestions! You could also put her to work doing this same thing! I have a friend who buys items on clearance ALL THE TIME, and then puts the items on EBAY or Etsy for twice what she paid (but still below retail), who has made over $1,000 a month doing this, and regularly makes an extra $200-400! So, if she likes to spend teach her to be a bit thrifty and perhaps it will be a compromise for you both! It might get to the point where she is so good at it, you won't have to supply spending money at all!

Edited November 11, 2010 by Rob and Jill

[Tero 105]

I was sending thousands overseas until I told her with these tough times (she's not doing much around the house at all or working or learning to get to any goals) that she needs to get a job to continue sending money home. It's not fair I'm the only one working and taking care of everyone plus all the domestic work. I thought that would set her straight but so far she's just playing computer games all day. At least if no money goes overseas, it's not on my head anymore.

Wow! I wonder how old she is cos I sense no maturity or sense of responsibility on her part if she does not help domestically at least. Giving her an allowance to budget from sounds nice but from what I've heard, I think she'd use it up and still ask for more. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart discussion. The rewards that come from an in-law are not reaped all in one day. You would still need to help every now and then but don't let anybody dictate your pace. I bet if u empty your bank account for them, when it no longer flows to them like b4 you would still be in "trouble" anyways. There comes a point where you need to take a strong stand or else you would reinforce them to live a kind of lifestyle you cannot support for long.

[sea-monkey 13]

I say buy a one way ticket for her back home when you plan that vacation in Jan. Pretend you bought 2 RT tickets, then the day before, tell her you have to stay behind for work, something came up.

Shanghaiing her will teach her a lesson