Just Beginning...Need my UK fiance' here yesterday.....

[kennym 275]

I'm very sad...

I just arrived at the Hotel in Seatle, and was anxious to see any messages from all my fans, but nothing... I was hoping for more dialogue on how to have a relationship and hopefully teach you all some more relationship stuff, but nobody here...

Ok, I'll wait.. Sweet dreams everyone...

Kenny

[Kristy S 13]

teach us relationship stuff? god complex much? your fiance is one lucky woman...

[kennym 275]

yes she is, but I'm a much luckier man!!

[Nat & Nate 0]

Hello everyone – interesting discussion!

I think there is a difference between falling in love with someone and loving them and I believe that you can love someone before you meet them. We all have our own definitions on what love is so we cannot and should not judge another person’s feelings and reasons for what they believe love is. I agree with Kristy in that during an online relationship the physical distractions are removed and you can concentrate on the mental and emotional connections.

Nathan and I met online while he was stationed in Iraq with the US Army. I can’t say that I fell in love with him online but, over time, after around six months, I definitely knew I felt something for him. At first I tried to tell myself there was no way I could feel the way I did about someone I’d never met but the feelings just wouldn’t go away and they were feelings which I hadn’t felt for anyone else, even my ex husband (I was married for 12 years). It was the same for Nathan. It was only when we met for the first time that we realised we were more than just friends and we did in fact love each other and we quickly fell in love soon after. We haven’t filed our petition (we haven’t yet decided which route to take), but we are in no rush and are really enjoying being in our relationship. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the website and reading about everyone’s own journeys. I’m flying to the USA for three weeks on 19 December and can’t wait to be back with him.

Good luck to you all!!

[Rob and Jill 82]

I'm very sad...

I just arrived at the Hotel in Seatle, and was anxious to see any messages from all my fans, but nothing... I was hoping for more dialogue on how to have a relationship and hopefully teach you all some more relationship stuff, but nobody here...

Ok, I'll wait.. Sweet dreams everyone...

Kenny

In response to your other messages. THOSE made more sense and sound less judgemental.

Yes, there are butterfly relationships out there that last 5 minutes and cause divorce stastics to skyrocket. But there are also stories of the grandparents who dated for 2 weeks and were married for 60 years.

I think it is truly a matter of the individuals in the relationship.

Dang lunch time! More later. XD

[joevegas 67]

Wow,this thread is still alive,very well said,It boggles the mind how someone can say that they're soul mate is across the ocean,and never having met them profess true love!Just crazy,yes you may like the person,in your mind love the person,but there are hundreds of people online that you could of met and said the same thing!....Until you MEET in person establish a real relationship"AKA" person to person,and not for a few weeks at a time but being and living together will you know exactly where you stand...It is utterly foolish to think otherwise..

[Rob and Jill 82]

It is utterly foolish to think otherwise..

In your opinion!

It's completely hilarious to me how many people are sitting here saying "YES, it happened to me!!!" and there are still people saying it's not possible or irrational. When did love come with an instruction book that tells you exactly when and how it is supposed to happen? There are people on this forum right now saying that good things happened to them, and there have been people around who have said they made a mistake and it didn't work for them!

The divorce rates in the U.S. are at 50% I'll take those odds and hope that 10 years from now it works out, the 20 years from now it works out, and so forth. Nothing is a guarantee when it comes to the actions of another. All ANY of us can do is HOPE that our initial feelings last a lifetime or the we grow and change to make it last a lifetime.

I loved Rob nearly from day 1 without meeting him. Meeting him in person almost a year later just confirmed what I knew! Believe me, I have been asked OVER and OVER "how do you know you love someone you met online?" My answer: The same way you love someone you met in a bar, at church, a party, at work, or any of the other hundreads of ways you meet people!!

[thelastpetitioner 218]

In your opinion!

It's completely hilarious to me how many people are sitting here saying "YES, it happened to me!!!" and there are still people saying it's not possible or irrational. When did love come with an instruction book that tells you exactly when and how it is supposed to happen? There are people on this forum right now saying that good things happened to them, and there have been people around who have said they made a mistake and it didn't work for them!

im one of those who said its irrational,you know why?because i think as much as you might trust you fiance or partner,you never know what the future holds.

i have seen one too many people who fell " in love" online,filed for a visa or did a drastic life change and then later on regretted it because the partner didnt turn out to be what they thought would be to believe you can fall in love without meeting your mate.

i dk,call me heartless,call me cold,but i have thought about what i would do if my USC fiance turned out to be abusive or something that could cause permanent damages.in a situation like this,the commitment goes well beyond just marriage or a long term relationship,therefor i think people have GOT TO BE extra careful and double check everything before making a decision

[pdmacca 3]

Wow,this thread is still alive,very well said,It boggles the mind how someone can say that they're soul mate is across the ocean,and never having met them profess true love!Just crazy,yes you may like the person,in your mind love the person,but there are hundreds of people online that you could of met and said the same thing!....Until you MEET in person establish a real relationship"AKA" person to person,and not for a few weeks at a time but being and living together will you know exactly where you stand...It is utterly foolish to think otherwise..

I hope it's okay if I butt in on my thread. But....I thought that the following definition might help clear up the reasons for your assumptions:

e·go·cen·tric (g-sntrk, g-)adj.1. Holding the view that the ego is the center, object, and norm of all experience.2. a. Confined in attitude or interest to one's own needs or affairs.b. Caring only about oneself; selfish.3. Philosophy a. Viewed or perceived from one's own mind as a center.b. Taking one's own self as the starting point in a philosophical system.

Probably one of my biggest pet peeves in life.....thank you again for giving me yet ANOTHER reason to love Paul. All of these responses that have nothing to do with the goal of obtaining the Visa (of course I'm not talking about my defenders either ), are simply confirmations to all of us that have found a lasting love - that we need to be so thankful for them because there are still shallow people lurking in every corner. I love you Paul!! In fact, Paul read your responses and considers it completely silly to even entertain such fallacies with a response.

[pdmacca 3]

I just wanted to add a thank you to all of you that positively responded to my initial question. Paul will be coming here in the next month or so and we will satisfy our meeting requirement. Someone mentioned the chemistry expected the first time we meet and we both have frequently discussed that moment. I will keep this site posted with updates and questions. To all my fellow UK connections.....stay close, we will need your advice. I wanted to add....we already have the ESTA waiver and of course he has his passport, but is there anything else he should have just to travel on a tourist to the US?

Thanks

[Fandango 1,439]

Hello Gemmie..

Your story is a wonderful story about sacrifice and doing whatever it took to be with your Significant other.. I am not sure how you compared my statements to your situation.. What you did is what most people in-love would do.. I've always felt my relationship was the most important thing in my life...

What I am going to say next will knock most of you off your chair and everyone will send me nasty responses, but here it is.. "Butterflies and Strong Desires" doesn't result in a lasting relationhsip... It's a good start, but other stuff also needs to be there to fortify the relationship. Compatiblty has a lot to do with how two people think and act in the less than perfect situations. Those situations cant be evaluated without spending time together..

So, that said, don't you see the diference between your sitation and the Original Posters Situation? You felt like you just had to be with your fiancees, and she didn't want to because she couldn't handle the separation afterwards. That is not a good reason and can't possibly know how someone really is until you meet. I've known many wonderful (Absolutely Wonderful) people all over the world, but we weren't necessarily marriage marraige material, doesn't make her a bad person or me a bad person, just not compatible...

I think it's wonderful and most of the stories you hear in this thread are heart warming about how people meet and feel something special. But the jury is still out on how that "feeling" relates to a Successful Relationship.. Sure all the butterflies are there and the desires, but when it comes down to the tough times and enduring long periods of hardship, are the butterflies still there and does BOTH members of the relationship contribute equally to getting through tough times? these are things you can't know until you've been together.. Anyone can say the right things and show the right emotions from 3000 miles away, but it's a diferent story when you live with someone day after day enduring all of lifes chalenges and realities. Then you realize what people are made of..

Those of you with the wonderful srories of how you met and felt immediately in-love, thats great, but really doesn't have a thing to do with what my point that the OP suggested she was in-love and never met.. The most dangerous relationship advise someone can give is to do it because it worked for me.. That's not rational, it's cool to say it, but it simply isn't sound advise.. Sound Advise is to take time to get to know someone before jumping into any serious commitments including the K-1..

How many times do we VJ'rs hear about K1 Applicants withdrawing thier petitions or cancelling the VISA because the Relationship failed.. If you would have advised them early on, they would have all said the same thing, "we are in love and we know we're in love".. K-1's Petitions are supposed to be for relationships that are already certain to get married.. We've seen here on VJ that isn't alway the case.. Some feel it's a try before you buy then if it doesn't work out, ship'm back.. It's true some relationships fail after a K-1 POE becuase of Homesickness, and that is a valid reason, but otherwise, K1 is not a "try before you buy" visa..

So that being said, the Relationship needs to be established before considering the K1 Petition.. If you review my Timeline, I Met Maritza 2 years before I proposed, then waited another year to start the K1 Paperwork.. I don't suggest that's for everyone, it was something we did that worked for us...

Butterflies and "Knowing Your in-love" alone, simply does not result in life long relationships. Those are "time tested" and "Trial and Tribulation" tested to see how both partners work together to manage life.. The rest of it is absolutely cinderella and Fairy Tale stuff... It's irresposible and irrational, and if it's something any of you want to risk, more power to you...

And I do remember reading that Cinderella was divorced months later..

QFT.

This is where I stopped reading, because I couldn't wait anymore before throwing my .02 in here. Kenny has taken a lot of ####### in this thread, and imo, it's undeserved.

Now, with that being said, I'll give you *my* perspective. I was living with a man in the UK for 5 years. I got homesick and decided to come home, eventually I agreed to his proposal, and we started the K-1. Now here's someone with whom I knew like the back of my hand...and yeah, we can all talk about those 'butterflies' and all that wonderful stuff, but at the end of the day, the distance has a way of sometimes skewering perspective. We hear and see what we want, which is easy over a phone/webcamera/etc, and while that may gel with reality, sometimes it doesn't. But it's easy to happen because the heart wants what it wants. In my case, the reality of what was did not gel with what I thought, and eventually I canceled the visa and moved on.

Everyone says that 'this is the hardest part, being apart'....and I can tell you that from my perspective, that's not so. I've been here on VJ long enough to see how the adjustment period is the hardest on the beneficiary...and can cause major stress for the couple (i think this holds true more for male beneficiaries btw)...there's a loss of identity, adjusting to a new culture, missing home, etc. I know the feeling of being displaced within a country - felt it when I went to the UK, and that was meant just as 'party time' and not 'real life' lol. There was no AOS stress, or 'hey this is your new life' hanging over my head; I always knew it was temporary. So I can't really imagine how it must feel for a bene, although I have an inkling. I feel the worst for the K-1ers, because they basically come here statusless and are wholly dependent on the petitioner, which must feel so odd as a grown adult.

Now, I am married with a child to a wonderful man...he's also a USC btw. And I can tell you this: as much as I knew him, as wonderful as he is, as compatible as we are...it was quite a shock 'getting to know' him on a deeper level when we both were sharing the same house. He felt the same way too. It was stressful at times....and it was someone I was with for a long time before we lived together.

Those of you who are now married, and those whose fiance(e)s are here - are you actually saying you haven't formed a deeper bond with your spouse since you met? You don't know your partner on a much deeper level now, as opposed to when you were just on the phone/internet? Come on.

Saying all that, I can understand people getting defensive over what may seem like Kenny 'challenging' your feelings for one another...but really...we're all adults here. More power to you if you want to get married before you even meet...but if your sibling or best friend were telling you the same thing, would you really not question whether that was the wisest choice? Would you just say 'great, you feel butterflies, go to it'. Especially those of you with children. By all means, do what you want, it's your life...but as a concept, and for the sake of this conversation (meaning, I don't really care what the OP does or doesn't do as it doesn't pertain to me), it's foolhardy to not vet your SO in person before marrying?

But this convo is superfluous anyways, because of USCIS's reqs.

[gap1 21]

it's always nice to have someone else in the same position. I'd love to keep in touch!!! Best of luck

*waves*

Same boat here as well. We're 4 months into our I-129F process. Hoping to get our NoA2 this month!

You must meet first. As they said.

[kennym 275]

I hope it's okay if I butt in on my thread. But....I thought that the following definition might help clear up the reasons for your assumptions:

e·go·cen·tric (g-sntrk, g-)adj.1. Holding the view that the ego is the center, object, and norm of all experience.2. a. Confined in attitude or interest to one's own needs or affairs.b. Caring only about oneself; selfish.3. Philosophy a. Viewed or perceived from one's own mind as a center.b. Taking one's own self as the starting point in a philosophical system.

Probably one of my biggest pet peeves in life.....thank you again for giving me yet ANOTHER reason to love Paul. All of these responses that have nothing to do with the goal of obtaining the Visa (of course I'm not talking about my defenders either ), are simply confirmations to all of us that have found a lasting love - that we need to be so thankful for them because there are still shallow people lurking in every corner. I love you Paul!! In fact, Paul read your responses and considers it completely silly to even entertain such fallacies with a response.

pdmacca

I'm certainly not naive enough to think that someone who feels that they're madly in-love would take any sound advice and take the time to really get to know someone before jumping into any kinds of comitment.. It is entirely your call and for everyone else who reads these threads as well.. The results of your descision will be yours and only yours to deal with as with anyone else considering a K1 visa or any relationship, domestic or foriegn. The advise given is simply that "advise". No one will fault you for jumping in with both feet.. Millions of people do it, why not you? however, millions fail, and a few, have wonderful romantic stories to share later with thier kids..

living on cliches and hyperbolies can be romantic but not real practical and not safe.. So, we actually expect most people that feel they can fall in-love over the internet to not be open to sensible ideas and advise, and certainly, we know it's not possible they will listen to anything contrary. But our advise can reach those that still have a little rationale remaining and result in others reading this thread to be thoughtful about all the things that a relationship needs to prosper..

For you Mrs pdmacca, It's great if it works out.. and I seriously hope you and Paul have a great visit and you really turn out to be "LUCKY" like jill and her man, lucky to have found the right person over the internet... It's a one-in-a-million shot, but who knows, you guys could be that "one"..

For the rest of the people of sound mind and judgement, hopefully they will take time to meet, and get to really know someone before commiting to a K1, marriage, kids and life.. There are a lot of things at stake, especially when doing a visa.. VAWA, integrity, Future Visas, Finacial Considerations, just to name a few. So the sound thinker must evaluate all those factors before making any comitments. It's serious business.. with lots at stake and not the least of which is emotional well being..

Kenny

[pdmacca 3]

pdmacca

I'm certainly not naive enough to think that someone who feels that they're madly in-love would take any sound advice and take the time to really get to know someone before jumping into any kinds of comitment.. It is entirely your call and for everyone else who reads these threads as well.. The results of your descision will be yours and only yours to deal with as with anyone else considering a K1 visa or any relationship, domestic or foriegn. The advise given is simply that "advise". No one will fault you for jumping in with both feet.. Millions of people do it, why not you? however, millions fail, and a few, have wonderful romantic stories to share later with thier kids..

living on cliches and hyperbolies can be romantic but not real practical and not safe.. So, we actually expect most people that feel they can fall in-love over the internet to not be open to sensible ideas and advise, and certainly, we know it's not possible they will listen to anything contrary. But our advise can reach those that still have a little rationale remaining and result in others reading this thread to be thoughtful about all the things that a relationship needs to prosper..

For you Mrs pdmacca, It's great if it works out.. and I seriously hope you and Paul have a great visit and you really turn out to be "LUCKY" like jill and her man, lucky to have found the right person over the internet... It's a one-in-a-million shot, but who knows, you guys could be that "one"..

For the rest of the people of sound mind and judgement, hopefully they will take time to meet, and get to really know someone before commiting to a K1, marriage, kids and life.. There are a lot of things at stake, especially when doing a visa.. VAWA, integrity, Future Visas, Finacial Considerations, just to name a few. So the sound thinker must evaluate all those factors before making any comitments. It's serious business.. with lots at stake and not the least of which is emotional well being..

Kenny

Really?? Wow...such insight, such encouragement, such wisdom.....There Kenny, is that what you are after? It sure seems like it. I'm not too sure why you keep repeating yourself like no one has ever thought of any of the things you've mentioned nor couples haven't weighed out all the 'irrational' dreams (as you lay them out to be). I speak for myself; I'm a 43 year-old woman that was married 20 years. I know what love feels like. I'm not a giddy teenager living in the clouds. What annoys me is your pathetic posts of repetition gain all the attention and the main reason I'm on here....to get sound advice to avoid mistakes - gets lost with posts by others equally frustrated at your mission to create doubt, when NO ONE in their right mind would pursue this difficult process without FIRST asking everything you think is ground-breaking 'Kenny' knowledge. I'm sure there is another 'newbie' out there that you could sprinkle with your compassionate approach - I think we've all heard enough. In other words....point made, and it's grown dull.

[kennym 275]

Really?? Wow...such insight, such encouragement, such wisdom.....There Kenny, is that what you are after? It sure seems like it. I'm not too sure why you keep repeating yourself like no one has ever thought of any of the things you've mentioned nor couples haven't weighed out all the 'irrational' dreams (as you lay them out to be). I speak for myself; I'm a 43 year-old woman that was married 20 years. I know what love feels like. I'm not a giddy teenager living in the clouds. What annoys me is your pathetic posts of repetition gain all the attention and the main reason I'm on here....to get sound advice to avoid mistakes - gets lost with posts by others equally frustrated at your mission to create doubt, when NO ONE in their right mind would pursue this difficult process without FIRST asking everything you think is ground-breaking 'Kenny' knowledge. I'm sure there is another 'newbie' out there that you could sprinkle with your compassionate approach - I think we've all heard enough. In other words....point made, and it's grown dull.

It seems like everyone felt this was absolute rubbish pdmacca.. Thanks for the acknowledgment.. But as I said, this advise is clearly not for you since your not open to it, it's for others... And the fact is, you were willing to commit to someone you never met.. My point is for those who had considered that a good idea, and clearly you are angry because now it's starting to make sense and rather than accepting it, you're putting your devilish spin.. Nice Tactic...

Look PDMACCA, you are getting very defensive for someone who is simply offering some advice, not to just you but to anyone who would consider making a bad move.. And, you continued to re-inforce your feelings that is the thing to do and tell me how stupid I was for offering sensible advise..

You don't have to like it, you did post your question on a "public internet forum" or did you not realize that? Others will read this beside you, or did you not realize that? the intent is for others to learn from this as well, or did you not realize that?

"Really?? Wow...such insight, such encouragement, such wisdom..." seems like a childish response to someone else trying to make a point as well...

If you dont want to hear other opinions then don't, but you do realize this is the internet dont you?

Kenny