Just Beginning...Need my UK fiance' here yesterday.....

[Rob and Jill 82]

Dont mean to take this thread off into the weeds, but Rob and Jill, you're taking my post way out of context.. So maybe you just want to appear cute, but I didn't state any kinda time that someone needs to know each other after meeting.. My only point was, is "you can't be in-love without meeting someone.." You can be irrational and believe it's love, but that is not love.. So take my point and put whatever twist you want on it, but rational adults do not make these kinds of comitments until the relationship has taken its course.. The things that lead to true love are as individual as anything, and I did not attempt to define that... I only said you can't be in-love unless you've had time to meet someone.. I know that there are movies and fairytales and fantasy worlds that say diferent, but keep in mind, thats not reality..

No, I took your post exactly as you wrote, apparently in the exact same context as many others here took it. You were being judgemental. The poster asked "Do I need to meet him in person?"

Answer: Yes

Not: Yes, but you're being totally irrational for not having met him, not being logical, and not doing it MY WAY.

You can be irrational and believe it's love, but that is not love..

There is nothing I said that said you were giving bad advice. I said other relationships out there are "ABOVE YOUR REPROACH".

rational adults do not make these kinds of comitments until the relationship has taken its course..

Define: Take it's course? A month, 6 months, 10 years? Given that we are all human and we all change on a regular basis, shouldn't we wait 10 years or so to make sure the 40 year old partner is still going to be a good partner at 50? No? Exactly. At some point you have to take the risk that it's going to work for you. It is up to the individual couple to decide at what point they are most secure that their "risk" is going to pay off.

No one is mad because you said she SHOULD meet him. They're offended because you're saying that because something didn't happen a particular way for you means that how it happened for everyone else was irrational, which quite frankly is BS. Just because something wasn't fairytale-like to YOU doesn't mean it wasn't to others. Not having a bird land on my finger while I was singing and doing laundry doesn't mean it's not a fairytale.

[Gemmie 142]

Kenny, you don't have to tell me how relationships work. I have never claimed that butterflies and strong desire will result in a lasting relationship, because quite frankly, I know it doesn't work that way. I know people that met in "real life" and had the same feeling of wanting to be with that person "forever" and in the end it didn't work out because they lacked other things that were vital, such as communication skills, mutual goals and values, similar priorities, trust, even the ability to be friends and spend time together that didn't end in sex.

The reason I was telling you about how I felt was because you questioned if it was possible to fall in love when you haven't met the other person. It's easy for people to say "yes I loved him before I met him". So I gave you examples of how I knew I loved him (caring about him, doing things for him, making sacrifices for him, wanting a future together, wanting to spend time together, really getting to know him, etc... love is something that is difficult to put into language, but I consider those to be pretty defining features of being in love). You say it's irrational to think it's love, and you may be right. Like I said, love is hard to define. It feels differently to different people. But my interpretation of my feelings at the time was that I felt very strongly for him and had a desire to be together.

Having said that, there IS a huge difference when you transition from an online relationship to in-person relationship. You really get to notice things that you wouldn't have otherwise. How he uses his eyes and hand signals during conversation, how clean and tidy he presents himself and his living space, his habits, how he interacts with others, the list goes on. Having a transition from long distance to living together has its hardships too. Personally, we didn't have much surprise as we had spent weeks living together before getting engaged, and then several months living together before getting married. We already knew each other.

Someone recently told me that me and my husband seem inseparable, and when I replied that we just love spending time together, the person laughed and said "you've been married for just over ONE YEAR, wait until you get to the five years, ten years, etc". I was told that I was still in the honeymoon stage. And that's a fair comment, I know how that works. But at the same time, this measure of testing the relationship via longevity is flawed in itself; because at what point does it 'pass the test'? I know people that didn't think we would be together after a few months, and we're now coming up on our five-year anniversary of being together in the 'real world'. I know people that have pulled out of the immigration process; couples that met in the conventional 'real world' that are separated and contemplating divorce... do we get to say we made it because we out-lasted them? What about when we make our tenth wedding anniversary, are we still in the trial period? What about those people that have been married for nearly FORTY YEARS that suddenly get divorced, are we allowed to say that they didn't work out because technically it wasn't forever?

To me, if your marriage breaks down BECAUSE of the issues that are brought up due to distance, immigration, adjusting to living together.... that means you probably jumped into it, called it love, and weren't able to have a lasting relationship based on what you thought you had.

[kennym 275]

Thanks all.. I wasn't being judgemental, I was stating how USCIS would Look at it...

My Original Statement was something like this... ( Just in case you missed it )

You are in love with someone you've never met.. How is that even possible? Thats the question everyone is going to ask you.. The USCIS, the Embassy, the POE...

Unfortunately, I don't have time for circular arguments.. So, for those who have nothing better to do, go for it.. I gave some advise, I know the op didn't request it, but never the less, I gave it.. It's just my nature.. I still love you guys...

Kenny

[kennym 275]

Gemmie,

Great, you don't have to read it.. I was replying to your posts and still trying to understand how your prior posts relate to meeting in person...

I gave my 2 cents worth and created a pointless firestorm.. My advise is sound and based on my experience..

Kenny

[Damian&Kelly 16]

Kenny, you don't have to tell me how relationships work. I have never claimed that butterflies and strong desire will result in a lasting relationship, because quite frankly, I know it doesn't work that way. I know people that met in "real life" and had the same feeling of wanting to be with that person "forever" and in the end it didn't work out because they lacked other things that were vital, such as communication skills, mutual goals and values, similar priorities, trust, even the ability to be friends and spend time together that didn't end in sex.

The reason I was telling you about how I felt was because you questioned if it was possible to fall in love when you haven't met the other person. It's easy for people to say "yes I loved him before I met him". So I gave you examples of how I knew I loved him (caring about him, doing things for him, making sacrifices for him, wanting a future together, wanting to spend time together, really getting to know him, etc... love is something that is difficult to put into language, but I consider those to be pretty defining features of being in love). You say it's irrational to think it's love, and you may be right. Like I said, love is hard to define. It feels differently to different people. But my interpretation of my feelings at the time was that I felt very strongly for him and had a desire to be together.

Having said that, there IS a huge difference when you transition from an online relationship to in-person relationship. You really get to notice things that you wouldn't have otherwise. How he uses his eyes and hand signals during conversation, how clean and tidy he presents himself and his living space, his habits, how he interacts with others, the list goes on. Having a transition from long distance to living together has its hardships too. Personally, we didn't have much surprise as we had spent weeks living together before getting engaged, and then several months living together before getting married. We already knew each other.

Someone recently told me that me and my husband seem inseparable, and when I replied that we just love spending time together, the person laughed and said "you've been married for just over ONE YEAR, wait until you get to the five years, ten years, etc". I was told that I was still in the honeymoon stage. And that's a fair comment, I know how that works. But at the same time, this measure of testing the relationship via longevity is flawed in itself; because at what point does it 'pass the test'? I know people that didn't think we would be together after a few months, and we're now coming up on our five-year anniversary of being together in the 'real world'. I know people that have pulled out of the immigration process; couples that met in the conventional 'real world' that are separated and contemplating divorce... do we get to say we made it because we out-lasted them? What about when we make our tenth wedding anniversary, are we still in the trial period? What about those people that have been married for nearly FORTY YEARS that suddenly get divorced, are we allowed to say that they didn't work out because technically it wasn't forever?

To me, if your marriage breaks down BECAUSE of the issues that are brought up due to distance, immigration, adjusting to living together.... that means you probably jumped into it, called it love, and weren't able to have a lasting relationship based on what you thought you had.

I completely agree with you, Gemmie. I've been with my husband for over 4 years and people that see us together so happy, still say we're in the "honeymoon-phase". I honestly think it's just something everyone uses to explain why they, themselves aren't as happy. But the US puts 2 years as the trial phase which I don't understand because even if you were to divorce, you can still get a 10 year green card. But anyways.

As for Relationships breaking up because of distance, I don't believe it's really them rushing into things, there are just some relationships that shouldn't be and some many people blame the distance on all their problems, and once that distance is gone there's nothing to blame. That's another good reason why you should meet in person and well have to.

As for the argument with Kenny, never going to win because he's not in the position to. I completely understand how Dawn and Gemmie feel. I felt it and it's proved to be right as we've been happily married for over 2 years now.

And in my last post, I wasn't saying to risk it, but more so saying the visa process wasn't the hardest part to over come, more so the parts that came after that I wasn't warned or prepared for.

[Gemmie 142]

It's relevant because it sounded like YOU were asking how people could possibly fall in love before meeting. And then you further confirmed that by telling people that it was irrational to think you could do that, etc.

No firestorm here. I was just giving stuff from my experience too.

[Gemmie 142]

As for Relationships breaking up because of distance, I don't believe it's really them rushing into things, there are just some relationships that shouldn't be and some many people blame the distance on all their problems, and once that distance is gone there's nothing to blame. That's another good reason why you should meet in person and well have to.

I agree, I think that's what I was trying to say. I've seen lots of people on here and in real life that got together after a LDR and it was short-lived. In some cases, it's almost as though the romantic notion of distance is over and suddenly real life is harder than they thought it would be.

Adjusting to married life, well actually adjusting to life together, in the same space... that is the hard part. Distance (although hard) was a breeze compared to that.

[Kristy S 13]

Of course you can fall in love with someone without meeting them, you are getting rid of the physical distraction and just focusing on the mental and emotional connections. Unless you are a completely shallow jerk, then it is not only possible, but in fact likely that you can start a long term, lasting, loving, REAL relationship from an online meeting.

I knew my fiance for a little over 2 years before we met in person, and walking into his arms was just like coming home for me, I already knew he was the man of my dreams.

I'm not some kid with romanticized ideas either, I spent 12 years in a very not happy marriage.

If you truly know what you want in a person, in a spouse, then it doesn't matter what the physical package is. (unless, like i said before, you really are just that superficial...in which case, go hunt some bars?).

If you are looking for your forever, you need to be able to look past the surface, and what better way to do that than to save it for later?

[Imwaitingforyou 0]

Hey Dawn, here is another huge huge issue to look at. How much do you honestly say you can know about Paul in a 4 month period of time. he maybe a great guy and then again... who knows? But my point is us Americans risk a lot when bringing a woman or man to this country whom we love, if they have been honest with us or if they have acted like they were honest. I met a young lady in the Philippines and to me she is the most wonderful woman I have ever known and I spent 2 yrs getting to know her before I even met her in person and filed for her finally. I know the feeling, when you think this is the person I was meant to be, since it always happens when you first start to love someone but take my advice or don't if you don't want to.. give it some time, take some time to just to get to know him and that love you have for him will get much much more stronger than what you feel now and if he thinks you're worth waiting for than he'll always be right there otherwise he would just walk away which in that case he wasn't that great of guy after all.

[kennym 275]

Everyone who says you can fall in love without meeting someone,

Some people go to Vegas and win huge.. most loose, so which one would you advise, risk everything and go to Vegas and hope to strike it big? or do it the old, time-tested method and work hard, save, budget, and plan?

Those of you saying it can happen are just wanting to believe in things that are dangerous bets.. It's dangerous because of the concequences and what you have to loose.. Sure, some do it, and some succeed, like "Vegas", but it's not smart and would not advise anyone to do it...

There are a lot more to the relationship to finishing sentences and feeling the fuzzies, and smart people don't gamble like that when all you have to do is take the time to get to know someone... The lost can be too big.. It's nice when you can tell people that it's the way you fell in love... IT's soo romantic...

I think the reason everyone is beating me up so bad, is they want to beleive this stuff works for many reasons, and would like to beleive in the stories of long distance romance, but ladies, your cases are not the normal and I wouldn't suggest that you tell people that it works...

I know where you can buy ocean front property in Arizona, just send me a check...

Kenny

Edited November 5, 2010 by kennym

[LoriT 16]

Of course you can fall in love with someone without meeting them, you are getting rid of the physical distraction and just focusing on the mental and emotional connections. Unless you are a completely shallow jerk, then it is not only possible, but in fact likely that you can start a long term, lasting, loving, REAL relationship from an online meeting.

I knew my fiance for a little over 2 years before we met in person, and walking into his arms was just like coming home for me, I already knew he was the man of my dreams.

I'm not some kid with romanticized ideas either, I spent 12 years in a very not happy marriage.

If you truly know what you want in a person, in a spouse, then it doesn't matter what the physical package is. (unless, like i said before, you really are just that superficial...in which case, go hunt some bars?).

If you are looking for your forever, you need to be able to look past the surface, and what better way to do that than to save it for later?

Kristy... I think we are living the same life! I too was in an unhappy marriage for 14 years. Best of luck to you!

[kennym 275]

Kristy... I think we are living the same life! I too was in an unhappy marriage for 14 years. Best of luck to you!

Me, 11 Years,,,

Then I parked a U-Haul Truck in front of our rent house, paid 4 guys to load all her stuff, and drive it to her folks house 200 miles away.. It was one of the sadest days of my life. But I tried everything to make it work.. I cried for weeks,

Today, thinking back, it's the best thing I ever did..

I have long since forgottern about her and have the best fiancee in the world... even better than yours.. ok that's a joke please dont get mad...

Kenny

[Ken y Leidys 20]

I gave my 2 cents worth and created a pointless firestorm.. My advise is sound and based on my experience..

Kenny

At it again, Kenny?

[LoriT 16]

Me, 11 Years,,,

Then I parked a U-Haul Truck in front of our rent house, paid 4 guys to load all her stuff, and drive it to her folks house 200 miles away.. It was one of the sadest days of my life. But I tried everything to make it work.. I cried for weeks,

Today, thinking back, it's the best thing I ever did..

I have long since forgottern about her and have the best fiancee in the world... even better than yours.. ok that's a joke please dont get mad...

Kenny

Sheesh

I still have to deal with my ex on a daily basis because of the kids. But leaving him was the best thing I ever did. And no... mine's better Afterall, he IS Prince Charming. HA HA... sorry, couldn't resist.

[kennym 275]

At it again, Kenny?

lol...