Can you really adjust?

[bob23 0]

Hey, my wife and I are 23 and 22 and met while I was studying in China (almost 4 years ago) and have been married for a year and a half. We are both currently college students in the u.s. I really understand Chinese culture and her family really likes me, and while we are in China everything is great. Yet she can't seem to adjust to life in the u.s. at all. I mean I understand how some of you are 40 or 50 and marry a 30 year old chinese woman and her english is so so ect and so I perfectly understand why it would be hard for them to adjust to american life given all of the assumptions that go along with that (language prob, moving to the u.s. at an older age, maybe even age difference). But why is my wife having such a horrible horrible time adjusting? She won't eat any western food aside from maybe a hamburger once in awhile, she won't watch english tv (unless it is subtitled in chinese), she seems to look down on all americans now... the list goes on. This is a person that goes to one of the top 3 journalism schools in the u.s.... her English is very very good, she has studied and liked western culture since she was 5 years old, and yet only 3 or 4 months into the u.s. she couldn't stand it (18 months in the u.s. so far). I have tried to be supportive, tried to work my butt off so I can transfer to a more asian friendly place for law school, yet all she can think about is moving back to china. Can someone please help me out? I am willing to do whatever I can to help her. But she thinks chinese americans are morons, foreign students are egocentric, and blah blah blah. What can I do??? I have read on here about British and Canadians getting really home sick ect what do you guys do in a situation like this? Thanks

Edited October 29, 2010 by bob23

[Neal851 3]

Sorry to hear this.But this is a common problem,and i read and heard this on VJ and on others site many times.This happens due to hom sickness and sometimes getting problem in communications.You should have to take it easily.Spend some times with her,explain her about western culture. Also sometimes try to use ur culture,like go to a chinese restaurant.Everyday try to support her that she will feel that you are with her in any stage. Both of you also talk with her family once in a week.So she can't get home sickness. Watch some english channels with chinese titles,at that time tell her oh you are good in english you shold have to try to watch some english channels and all. In ur case,i think she need some positive support & energy.I hope that will works. Good luck my friend.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Hey, my wife and I are 23 and 22 and met while I was studying in China (almost 4 years ago) and have been married for a year and a half. We are both currently college students in the u.s. I really understand Chinese culture and her family really likes me, and while we are in China everything is great. Yet she can't seem to adjust to life in the u.s. at all. I mean I understand how some of you are 40 or 50 and marry a 30 year old chinese woman and her english is so so ect and so I perfectly understand why it would be hard for them to adjust to american life given all of the assumptions that go along with that (language prob, moving to the u.s. at an older age, maybe even age difference). But why is my wife having such a horrible horrible time adjusting? She won't eat any western food aside from maybe a hamburger once in awhile, she won't watch english tv (unless it is subtitled in chinese), she seems to look down on all americans now... the list goes on. This is a person that goes to one of the top 3 journalism schools in the u.s.... her English is very very good, she has studied and liked western culture since she was 5 years old, and yet only 3 or 4 months into the u.s. she couldn't stand it (18 months in the u.s. so far). I have tried to be supportive, tried to work my butt off so I can transfer to a more asian friendly place for law school, yet all she can think about is moving back to china. Can someone please help me out? I am willing to do whatever I can to help her. But she thinks chinese americans are morons, foreign students are egocentric, and blah blah blah. What can I do??? I have read on here about British and Canadians getting really home sick ect what do you guys do in a situation like this? Thanks

Sometimes it's not really about not knowing the language. Sometimes it's simply the culture.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I can't. I know some people from an English speaking country (like Australia) who are really struggling with the change. For me it's that everything is so similar, but so different. It's weird that people don't celebrate holidays in the US like Aussies do. It's weird that we have a white christmas in the US and not in Australia. it's weird that my husbands family isn't as "close knit" as mine is in Australia.

It might be only when she goes home, or visits home that she starts to miss the US, or she might 100% decide that the US is not for her. It does happen. i'm sorry to say the US is not the promise land for everyone and it appears your GF might be someone who doesn't feel that way about it.

[JMR 3]

Ive got to agree with Vanessa&Tony in the fact that everything is so similar but yet different. Yet at the same time this makes it more interesting for me because explaining to the in-laws or friends, how we do this or that instead of the way they do it, its fun to see their reactions sometimes.

The one big thing that gets me about living here and makes me sigh everytime is the fact that people can't understand me most of the time... Now i know this is not there fault, i come from Liverpool, and I have a very strong accent. If you have heard the Scouse accent you will know what im talking about lol. Sometimes I have to explain myself 3-4 times, im dreading going for job interviews or phone interviews

Advice? I talk to people from back home quite a lot, parents, family, friends at least 2-3 times a week. Friends/Family a week message on facebook and my parents i give them a phone call or a quick email. For some people its the little things that matter, maybe get some things that she used to enjoy at home. For me I make sure I check on my football team ive supported since i was a kid (Liverpool). Ive got shirts that i wear regularly and also a big flag that needs to go on the wall

I walked into Wegmans the other week and noticed they had an international section. I walk over and see a whole aisle of items of imported products from back home i was like "NO F*****G WAY!!" i hadn't even really thought about it haha. So if im ever home sick im going to go buy myself a double decker or bottle of lucozade

I know each to there own but i hope this helps...

[Gemmie 142]

Ive got to agree with Vanessa&Tony in the fact that everything is so similar but yet different. Yet at the same time this makes it more interesting for me because explaining to the in-laws or friends, how we do this or that instead of the way they do it, its fun to see their reactions sometimes.

The one big thing that gets me about living here and makes me sigh everytime is the fact that people can't understand me most of the time... Now i know this is not there fault, i come from Liverpool, and I have a very strong accent. If you have heard the Scouse accent you will know what im talking about lol. Sometimes I have to explain myself 3-4 times, im dreading going for job interviews or phone interviews

Advice? I talk to people from back home quite a lot, parents, family, friends at least 2-3 times a week. Friends/Family a week message on facebook and my parents i give them a phone call or a quick email. For some people its the little things that matter, maybe get some things that she used to enjoy at home. For me I make sure I check on my football team ive supported since i was a kid (Liverpool). Ive got shirts that i wear regularly and also a big flag that needs to go on the wall

I walked into Wegmans the other week and noticed they had an international section. I walk over and see a whole aisle of items of imported products from back home i was like "NO F*****G WAY!!" i hadn't even really thought about it haha. So if im ever home sick im going to go buy myself a double decker or bottle of lucozade

I know each to there own but i hope this helps...

I think this is really good advice. Just because I'm British doesn't mean I don't get homesick. I had a hard time adjusting because I couldn't get my own life in the US for a long, long time. So it felt like I was in limbo. Is your wife working or studying? Does she have any friends yet? Does she drive? If not, these are all things that will make the adjustment harder, and I've learned that from myself and others on the forum.

When I feel homesick, I do feel frustrated at the US differences and need to have a moan about them to my husband, but it wears off pretty quickly. Sometimes it helps to put a British DVD on, have some English tea and food, and talk on the phone to a friend back home. Maybe this will help he feel more relaxed?

[yamashitariki 4]

Definitely having some connection home helps. Perception is hard to change once it is set. I hope she can find something to identify with. Like the previous posters, having a good friend to relate to helps. I've been in similar situations, homesick and then one becomes very negative. You have to note that everything said is on a superficial level. Deep down, she probably has a hard time finding something familiar to relate to. Adding to that, is being set on not accepting life in US. Help her find friends, get involved with the community. Take some classes, hobby, etc. I hope things would work out. Please let us know how it progresses.

[PumpkinPie 1]

Well you do sound like a very supportive and patient husband! She's very lucky!

I can totally relate to your wife. I know it's not the exact same scenario but I'm from the US and moved to Ireland when I married my husband who is Irish. I've been here almost 2 years and speak the same language here and I STILL get homesick. Although everyone speaks English over here and it's just right across the pond, it is still a very different culture at the end of the day. It was hard making new friends, most of them were through my husband until I started working and socializing in that way.

No one gets the silly things we do in America unless you grew up there and it just may come across as moronic lol. Like why we have to have a gallon of milk instead of 2 liters; Why we drive on the other side of the road (the right side ); why we celebrate weird holidays like Thanksgiving and always say 'Dude' or 'Duh'. However, I also found Ireland odd too because couldn't understand the Irish accent for the first few months living here, I constantly had to ask people to slow down. The food isn't the same, I really missed variety and selection I had at grocery stores back home. And I also had to relearn everything, such as how the banks here work, how the taxes work, the government, how you have to pay for grocery bags and bag your own groceries, etc. She may find it a bit weird compared to how things work in China. (It's ok if she prefers how things are in China to America, keep that in mind.)

Also, I still get excited when I meet other Americans over here, but if they're here as a student, I can see where she's coming from. When she says that foreign exchange students are 'egocentric' it may be her way of not being able to relate because although they are both from the same background, they came to the US for 2 very different reasons. As for watching TV in Chinese subtitles, again it's not the same but when I watch American shows, it makes me feel like I'm back home (thank god for Youtube ) So maybe it's her way of receiving communication in her native language because she misses it? I've met a few people from other countries that like to use their native language frequently so they don't forget it. My friend from Czech has that issue sometimes.

Anyway, just be very supportive of her and try to talk about China often so she doesn't feel like you're forgetting where she came from. America is a melting pot full of different cultures and her contribution to it may just be what will help her adjust. And remember, liking western culture without living here is not always the same when you actually move here. Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side and perhaps it's not where she wants to be forever. Living the 'American dream' isn't for everyone and I'm sad if that's the case for you and her. Hope it all works out, good luck!

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

She can adjust if she wants to. Some don't want to.

[rlogan 2,036]

She can adjust if she wants to. Some don't want to.

Awarded "most succinct and relevant response".

I noticed a couple of red flags, Bob23. My best friend from work was Chinese and I had a lot of interaction with Chinese students as graduate director at a University here. Occasionally we would see one with the same attitude:

she seems to look down on all americans now...

all she can think about is moving back to china...

she thinks chinese americans are morons...

Someone has a bigotry issue.

It's pretty hard to adapt to a place where you hate the people. Remember that you are also an American so when you say she looks down on "all Americans" you might want to consider that.

I agree with PumpkinPie too - you sure sound like a considerate guy, yet nothing seems good enough for her. That's an attitude problem, not a culture problem.

Personally, I would be thinking about whether this is a person I would want to marry as opposed to whether I can move heaven and earth to please them. You can't work hard enough to please someone that has that kind of attitude.

You can, however, lay it on the line and tell them that adapting to life here is a requirement and if they don't want to do it then it is time for an amicable parting.

[christera22 8]

Ive got to agree with Vanessa&Tony in the fact that everything is so similar but yet different. Yet at the same time this makes it more interesting for me because explaining to the in-laws or friends, how we do this or that instead of the way they do it, its fun to see their reactions sometimes.

The one big thing that gets me about living here and makes me sigh everytime is the fact that people can't understand me most of the time... Now i know this is not there fault, i come from Liverpool, and I have a very strong accent. If you have heard the Scouse accent you will know what im talking about lol. Sometimes I have to explain myself 3-4 times, im dreading going for job interviews or phone interviews

Advice? I talk to people from back home quite a lot, parents, family, friends at least 2-3 times a week. Friends/Family a week message on facebook and my parents i give them a phone call or a quick email. For some people its the little things that matter, maybe get some things that she used to enjoy at home. For me I make sure I check on my football team ive supported since i was a kid (Liverpool). Ive got shirts that i wear regularly and also a big flag that needs to go on the wall

I walked into Wegmans the other week and noticed they had an international section. I walk over and see a whole aisle of items of imported products from back home i was like "NO F*****G WAY!!" i hadn't even really thought about it haha. So if im ever home sick im going to go buy myself a double decker or bottle of lucozade

I know each to there own but i hope this helps...

1stly I want to say what is going on with you Bob. I do somewhat agree with Pumpkinpie and do like the comment from JMR.BUt certainly do not like what Rlogan replied . It is my request to Rlogan- please try to honor thier love and togetherness and say something that would help them instead of giving them frustative words.

American culture and interhuman fellow feeling is unlike Asia. There we comingling a lot and there is lot of fellow feeling and interneighbour interaction. These are mostly unheard about here. I am saying these both from experience and heart as I am going through the same condition as your wife.

She is feeling lonely, alone and lack of feeling of expressions. Some asians do change after coming here and feel so proud to forget all about their motherland, language, culture and becoming americanised.I have seen the same amongst some indians.Some others stick to their old ways and do not try to take anything from here, which is not good either. I try to maintain a good balance to maintain my be proud of myself being an Indian and also gather good values from here. My indian friends in INdia are far more better than americanised indians. So how many friends she has here and how much chinese can can speak outside and with you really does matter a lot. I have limited ways of expressing my core feelings as my wife, who is american, doesnt speak my language. My wife understands that and trying to learn my language too.

She is basically agitated inside and suffering from lack of expression, culture shock, may be some racial factors too.

My colleagues in my office try everyday to humiliate me in every possible form they can find, like calling me 'Curry terrorist'.... thrid world guy etc etc. I sometimes gulp those in and sometimes reply them back with somewhat harsh words. I simply cant talk the imperdinant and nasty worded way some people talk here and they seem to enjoy and make fun of the way I am gentle spoken and well behaved. I am taking all these as i love my wife.Feeling unwanted and feeling secluded in terms of language, culture etc etc does seriously affect some people. I am sure she like american food....just wont eat them as other factors have got her deppressed her a lot inside.

Try to have more in chinese culture with her more often. As my wife tries to a lot of Indian things at home, we go to indian temple and festivals together, she and I cook Indian food and watch Indian movies.. I dont know about you , but if you dont try to learn some of her language and culture if you love her. That would certainly help. Hope this helps and i would try to comment some more here in future.

Take Care.

Edited December 10, 2010 by christera22

[christera22 8]

Wanted to add ...bravo Yamashitariki...excellent comment " You have to note that everything said is on a superficial level. Deep down, she probably has a hard time finding something familiar to relate to" ... a very valuable piece of word.

[christera22 8]

my wife wanted me to mention here this website MEETUP.COM

search your area...this has lot of groups with common beliefs, emotions . I am sure you would find something for her.Let us know....apart from some people here in VJ we all love to help. Take care.

P.S. sorry for the typing mistakes in my last post. Got sleepy

Edited December 11, 2010 by christera22

[rlogan 2,036]

It is my request to Rlogan- please try to honor thier love and togetherness and say something that would help them instead of giving them frustative words.

Your request is respectfully disagreed with for its lack of merit, especially the double-standard.

Apparently you think its OK to think all Chinese Americans are morons and to look down on Americans. The reasoning seems to be that Chinese culture is different.

If I started a thread with "Chinese Americans are Morons" or my reasoning for looking down on the Chinese as a racial thing I would be first warned by the moderators, then if I persisted administrative action would be taken, and then I would be banned.

There's a difference between being homesick and looking down on another race. I would have felt differently if it was strictly about being homesick, but it wasn't. There were all of these extremely derisive comments.

We are allowed to have different opinions, and censoring mine, especially if it touches on bigotry or racism - does not seem appropriate.

So I think we just respectfully disagree with one another here and I won't request that you keep your opinion to yourself. You are more than welcome by me to state your opinion here, different than it is from mine.

[sachinky 464]

She can adjust if she wants to. Some don't want to.

This is all there is to this, really.

[Obama 2012 1,714]

What makes you happy is sometimes where you live for some.

I lived in a different state for 3 1/2 years and even that for me was bothersome. I wasn't 'happy' until I was back home where I belonged. It had nothing to do with who I was with. It had nothing to do with my job, the people around me, etc. It had everything to do with that mantra of "home is where the heart is" and my heart was in Texas and I wasn't good until I was back to where i liked it. It wasn't about adjusting or anything. I knew everything, had fun going out to concerts, events, sports, etc.. was busy as can be but still wasn't 'happy' there. Took me 3 years to realize I just needed to go back 'home' and I have been great ever since.

No idea if this applies to her, maybe it does and maybe it doesn't. There's always a root cause though and it can be taken out in different areas. If you're not happy, you'll look for things to dislike, eventhough you may not actually dislike them like you say... Talk to her, try and see how she really feels. Be open and honest and ask her to be as well. That's the best thing you can do and can save a big heartache by finding out now rather than later.