Adjustment of status and Divorce

[mojorayjones 2]

Thanks for everybody's input. I have definitely picked up some valuable information. For those that are encouraging me to give the marriage a chance, I am doing that. But since she has a large family here in the US, she spends most of her time with them (she comes home at night usually) and we are not growing together. She just escapes to their homes. So that has made it difficult.

Thanks everybody! Visa Journey is a great web service. Please feel free to continue posting advice.

[Donald-n-Analyn 6]

... Furthermore, part of her attitude could very well be because she expected you to AOS her, and you haven't yet. Maybe she is paranoid you aren't going to do it and acting out because of it. ...

This is a very good point. Filipinos, for the most part, are very reluctant to "break the rules". The CFO seminar also puts the fear in them about making sure they adjust status BEFORE the I-94 expires. We filed late because I was waiting for a year-end bonus. My wife was just sure that ICE agents were going to show up any day and take her away. It wasn't until I showed numerous VJ posts that she calmed down and was less paranoid.

Personally, I think you should ease her mind and adjust her status. Maybe her attitude will improve. Unless she was a great actress, or you were deluding yourself, you should have known what you were getting into. It is not really fair to back out on her now (again MY opinion - keep the flames to a minimum ).

I am really curious as to how you met? Were you introduced by one of her cousins, or was it seemingly random?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Thanks for everybody's input. I have definitely picked up some valuable information. For those that are encouraging me to give the marriage a chance, I am doing that. But since she has a large family here in the US, she spends most of her time with them (she comes home at night usually) and we are not growing together. She just escapes to their homes. So that has made it difficult.

Thanks everybody! Visa Journey is a great web service. Please feel free to continue posting advice.

Well that's not good.

[JohnAnwesha 4]

Thanks for everybody's input. I have definitely picked up some valuable information. For those that are encouraging me to give the marriage a chance, I am doing that. But since she has a large family here in the US, she spends most of her time with them (she comes home at night usually) and we are not growing together. She just escapes to their homes. So that has made it difficult.

Thanks everybody! Visa Journey is a great web service. Please feel free to continue posting advice.

Well then how is she helping the marriage then?It has to be an effort made by both of you.

She should just try,take a few steps.

Sorry that you are having to go through this,but please do take time before you make a very emotional decision.

Good Luck,

Anwesha

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thanks for everybody's input. I have definitely picked up some valuable information. For those that are encouraging me to give the marriage a chance, I am doing that. But since she has a large family here in the US, she spends most of her time with them (she comes home at night usually) and we are not growing together. She just escapes to their homes. So that has made it difficult.

Thanks everybody! Visa Journey is a great web service. Please feel free to continue posting advice.

I've read the other peoples posts about how Filipino's are, and a post about about the CFO seminar putting the fear of god into them about AOSing before I-94 expiration ... but given your post above I have a few qns.

- when she first arrived, did she spend time with you?

- Has this "spending time with family" been since she arrived?

Those qns are because if she did start off okay, spending time with you, happy to be with you, then it COULD be fear that you won't AOS.

- have you talked to her about spending more time at home with you?

- do you two talk? Do you know stuff about each other? Do you think you could pass a Stokes interview? (example qns: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_some_sample_stokes_interview_questions )

- how was the wedding? Did she seem happy?

Those questions relate to what sort of relationship you have. Whether you saw she was happy to be marrying you. Whether the wedding was about the two of you joining together, or if it was more a "celebration of a step in the process".. if you catch my drift.

My relationship with my husband is almost identical to a relationship I would have with someone from home. He just happened to live here in the US. The reason I mention that is because for me, my relationship works wonderfully, we are on the same ground in relation to language, morals, religion and more or less way of life (Western culture). There IS a culture clash between you and your wife, and you need to be sure that you aren't hoping she'll be/act more "American" or more what you're used to and that that isn't what you're noticing.. just the differences between what you expect, and what she has to give.

Personally if I had family in the same town I would spend time with them too.. but not EVERY day. My husband works so I would spend time with them while he's at work. Have them show me around, show me things. I would make sure I was home in time to cook dinner (I enjoy cooking for my husband, he doesn't "expect it") and to ask him about his day and to spend time with him. I ENJOY spending time with him, talking to him, going out places with him. I would have my relatives over here for dinner, or go to their place WITH my husband. Again, this is ME, but I would hope that most people who spent so long apart would be like me, relishing FINALLY being together.

You need to ask yourself whether you feel there is anything there. If you wife suddenly changed and spent more time with you, would you apply for AOS? Would you trust that she didn't just "change" so that you would? Do you LOVE your wife? Can you not imagine life without her? Are you simply depressed that it's not like how you thought it would be? or are you sensing that what should be there isn't?

I've told my husband from the beginning that I would go home if this didn't work out. He NEVER thought this was for a greencard, and I was shocked to read someone above saying he married his wife "wondering". Only you know what you are willing to put up with. The AOS is a big responsibility. I wouldn't have let my husband sign the I-864 if I didn't know for a fact that we love each other and will be together for a long time. I've been here since Sept 09, we've had maybe 2 disagreements, not arguments, misunderstandings at the worst. Not everyone is like that, but I would like to think most try to make it work.. it doesn't appear to me that your wife is.

Once again, best of luck with your decision.

Edited April 16, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[jazz_acid 5]

I agree with Donald-n-Analyn. I am a Filipina too, me and my hubby have gone through hell... he lost his job when i got in here, we got a premature baby a week after my arrival, he couldn't file for unemployment compensation becus we were stucked in the hospital with my son, we got a lot of issues bla bla, i didn't want to get married that time, i just wanted to go back home but my hubby ofcourse told me not to and to get marry becuz it was just a rough time for us. we got married but the fight seems endlessly and our relationship is like a roller coaster. Not to mention hundreds and thousands of hospital bills (my son was life flighted) divorce became my number one solution, well ofcourse I was going through hell of emotions, i've even been diagnosed of having post natal depression. BUT NEVER ONCE I begged, treathen, harrassed or forced my husband to file for AOS right away, specially during the times when everything always seems to be chaos.

This is just me... u know her and should know her background, and u know if she can really love u truly or not, if she came to a not-so-well-off family then i may say, she and her family are just using u to get her a gc.. sorry to say but i smell something fishy.

sometimes you just got to be honest to yourself to find the answer.. believe me, cus I did that to myself, I became honest to myself and can't lie that I really love my husband and will stay with him through hell or high waters. it's been over a year now since i got in here but finally, we're in the process of AOS now.

If she really cares to you like what u said, then she won't be worrying about AOS, might as well her family. She should've care most about the marriage that is going to end.

jazz.me

Edited April 16, 2010 by jazz_acid

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I seem to be saying something along this line more and more lately...

REMOVE THE IMMIGRATION COMPONENT AND JUST LOOK AT THE MARRIAGE.

How is the marriage, does she seem to want it to work out or is she just into getting what she wants from it? How do you feel about her and how does she feel about you? nothing about immigration, just the reality of the marriage.

After this you will have a feeling for how bone fide your relationship really is.

After you have examined the marriage, ask yourself: "Should I sign a contract that makes me financially responsible for this person for the next 10 years?"

Just remember that she may have moved from the life she knew to be with you but you also shouldered the burden of the expense to get to this point and have {attempted to make} changes in your life to adjust for her. You do not owe it to her to put yourself on the hook for 10 years if you don't have faith in the marriage lasting beyond the next few months.

[Rob and Jill 82]

Thanks for everybody's input. I have definitely picked up some valuable information. For those that are encouraging me to give the marriage a chance, I am doing that. But since she has a large family here in the US, she spends most of her time with them (she comes home at night usually) and we are not growing together. She just escapes to their homes. So that has made it difficult.

What do you mean by she comes home "at night"? She comes home before you get home from work, or she comes home at 10 pm? There's a difference there to me. If she comes home in time to have meals with you and spend time with you, I don't see the issue, but if she comes rolling in like she has been partying it up late in the evening, you have a problem on your hands.

[DanielParul 50]

I don't agree with adjusting her status first to see if her behaviour will improve. She is a partner in this marriage and she should be putting in equal effort to make it work. If something is bothering her then she needs to discuss it with her spouse and not keep running to her cousins. You are the only one who can tell if your wife is truly invested in the marriage but just not being able to express herself or if she is only concerned about her GC

I agree with Vanessa&Tony. I have always known that if my marriage did not work out I would be heading home. AOS and getting a job would not be the 1st thing on my mind. We have had fights but not once has the thought crossed our mind that adjust my status and I will get a job and we can part. In your case it just might be a blessing in disguise that the AOS has not been filed yet. It is a big financial responsibility you are taking. If its for a person who is not even invested in this relationship, its not worth it.

[mojorayjones 2]

Thank You and everybody for all your candid input. I met her when I went on a vacation to the Philippines in 2008, and I had no intention to get engaged to anybody. I was traveling with my American friend and neighbor who is married to my wife's first cousin. She introduced us. The story gets rather complicated as my wife is from Tawi-tawi in Sulu, which is a dangerous part of the PI, Americans are not recommended to travel there. However, I met her in Bohol.

I thought having her cousins here would be an asset, but she has spent most of her time with them. Her one cousin lives only four houses down the street from us. She is heavily influenced by them even when they are not so right about things.

One thing that concerns me is that my wife is never happy. She is 'bored' around the house, which has a large yard, and plenty to do here. Internet, local cafes, nice neighborhood with parks, etc... She really wants children badly, but I told her we need to wait a couple years. Her cousin has four young children, so she enjoys their home environment a lot, in part because she is a midwife in the PI. So she is not patient, or very mature when we talk of these serious plans. She wants everything now.

I have a hard time getting my point across to her regarding finances, the current economic situation, and our future together, as compared to the future of her whole collective family.

Today she came home and announced she is moving in with her cousin (which actually takes some burden off me because she is so influenced by them, I realized our marriage is not healthy). I told her the AOS is definitely a no-go then. She got upset of course. I think I'm gonna by pass the AOS, and move on. I did very well as a bachelor before, and in no way am I devastated by the situation. Of course I feel bad, but things need to change.

Thanks for all your help. VJ is one great web site because of all the caring people involved!

Very interesting case.

As posted above - you have limited options, but at my first read through of your post, "GC fraud" popped up. I also find it strange she has three family members in the same town, married to USC's, toss in that her family will pay the filing fee since your thinking of divorce prior to the AOS, my warning bells start to ring (I have seen this pattern in other similar cases of fraud).

Not knowing how you meet, etc., I cannot make a clear reading on it - but you have to make your own decisions.

Again, as pointed out above - you will still be on the hook for the 864 if you follow through with the AOS, however, since her family is willing to pay you, I doubt that would be in play.

You will also have to consider the state your in, divorce may cost more than you think.

Choose wisely.

[mojorayjones 2]

I just want to say thank you for your thoughtful input. Just to let you know, I have talked to her many, many times about what I think must change, including all the time at her cousins homes. She has spent a lot of time with them, since she first arrived, which I thought was normal at first, but now she spends more time with them. You're right about the Stokes interview. A big concern with me has been whether we have that much in common and are on the same wavelength in life plans. I love outdoors and California lifestyle, she is not very comfortable unless she is with family singing Karaoke. I don't mean to be sarcastic, but that's sort of how I perceive her. I brought her out to a restaurant last Sunday, an East Indian Restaurant (because she like spicy food), that costs about $50 for us both. She was complaining that we weren't sending the money to the Philippines for her 'poor' family. If I don't bring her out, she complains we have no dates. It' like a lose-lose situation for me.

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

I've read the other peoples posts about how Filipino's are, and a post about about the CFO seminar putting the fear of god into them about AOSing before I-94 expiration ... but given your post above I have a few qns.

- when she first arrived, did she spend time with you?

- Has this "spending time with family" been since she arrived?

Those qns are because if she did start off okay, spending time with you, happy to be with you, then it COULD be fear that you won't AOS.

- have you talked to her about spending more time at home with you?

- do you two talk? Do you know stuff about each other? Do you think you could pass a Stokes interview? (example qns: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_some_sample_stokes_interview_questions )

- how was the wedding? Did she seem happy?

Those questions relate to what sort of relationship you have. Whether you saw she was happy to be marrying you. Whether the wedding was about the two of you joining together, or if it was more a "celebration of a step in the process".. if you catch my drift.

My relationship with my husband is almost identical to a relationship I would have with someone from home. He just happened to live here in the US. The reason I mention that is because for me, my relationship works wonderfully, we are on the same ground in relation to language, morals, religion and more or less way of life (Western culture). There IS a culture clash between you and your wife, and you need to be sure that you aren't hoping she'll be/act more "American" or more what you're used to and that that isn't what you're noticing.. just the differences between what you expect, and what she has to give.

Personally if I had family in the same town I would spend time with them too.. but not EVERY day. My husband works so I would spend time with them while he's at work. Have them show me around, show me things. I would make sure I was home in time to cook dinner (I enjoy cooking for my husband, he doesn't "expect it") and to ask him about his day and to spend time with him. I ENJOY spending time with him, talking to him, going out places with him. I would have my relatives over here for dinner, or go to their place WITH my husband. Again, this is ME, but I would hope that most people who spent so long apart would be like me, relishing FINALLY being together.

You need to ask yourself whether you feel there is anything there. If you wife suddenly changed and spent more time with you, would you apply for AOS? Would you trust that she didn't just "change" so that you would? Do you LOVE your wife? Can you not imagine life without her? Are you simply depressed that it's not like how you thought it would be? or are you sensing that what should be there isn't?

I've told my husband from the beginning that I would go home if this didn't work out. He NEVER thought this was for a greencard, and I was shocked to read someone above saying he married his wife "wondering". Only you know what you are willing to put up with. The AOS is a big responsibility. I wouldn't have let my husband sign the I-864 if I didn't know for a fact that we love each other and will be together for a long time. I've been here since Sept 09, we've had maybe 2 disagreements, not arguments, misunderstandings at the worst. Not everyone is like that, but I would like to think most try to make it work.. it doesn't appear to me that your wife is.

Once again, best of luck with your decision.

[Rhiannercakes 14]

I think you made a very good choice.

Hope things go well for you in the future.

[mojorayjones 2]

Thank you very, very much for your thoughtful and candid advice. You are a big help to me hearing your perspective. I have been asking myself many times why she is not thinking more like you have described and to be willing to actually work through a problem and be honest with each other. She prefers instigating 'drama' by acting emotional or provoking my emotions. Once again, I've asked her to spare the drama and really work on this relationship. It's not like it's totally her fault things aren't working out, but she has not done much to resolve our problems. Now demanding the AOS makes me nervous going into uncharted waters in a relationship that is not very stable. I want to help her regardless, but she has her own ideas. Thanks again.

I don't agree with adjusting her status first to see if her behaviour will improve. She is a partner in this marriage and she should be putting in equal effort to make it work. If something is bothering her then she needs to discuss it with her spouse and not keep running to her cousins. You are the only one who can tell if your wife is truly invested in the marriage but just not being able to express herself or if she is only concerned about her GC

I agree with Vanessa&Tony. I have always known that if my marriage did not work out I would be heading home. AOS and getting a job would not be the 1st thing on my mind. We have had fights but not once has the thought crossed our mind that adjust my status and I will get a job and we can part. In your case it just might be a blessing in disguise that the AOS has not been filed yet. It is a big financial responsibility you are taking. If its for a person who is not even invested in this relationship, its not worth it.

[J&N* 68]

AOS ASIDE.

You just recently got married, divorce is such a big decision and it will have negative influences on both of you in the future,

you guys went through just so much during the k1 and I think that would be such a waste.

Most marriages are difficult in the start, even if both are Americans, you're bringing two different people from two different worlds and you're expecting it to work right away? They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...

Just give it sometime now, you need to sit with her, know what she wants, tell her what you want and just meet her somewhere in the middle, I know pride will try to get in the way, but pride is no good if it leads you to this. Try to know why she is so upset and offer her things that can help her relax, ever watched the "Fireproof" movie.

I just really want to help, marriage is a blessing.

Best of luck.

[sachinky 464]

How old is your wife? How old are you?