Cheating Fiance

[SuperDuper! 230]

No matter how much we love them (we do), and they love us (they do), in the end, they only want to improve their lives, and the lives of their families. Kano means two things: $$$ and a green card.

And to the man, it means having a sweet, petite, sexy wife 24 years his junior. A definite upgrade from the American nag hag bag previously jettisoned from the castle. Sounds like fair deal to me. What's up now, Lone?

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

And to the man, it means having a sweet, petite, sexy wife 24 years his junior. A definite upgrade from the American nag hag bag previously jettisoned from the castle. Sounds like fair deal to me. What's up now, Lone?

S.O.S. How about yourself?

[Dan J 277]

I believe that if you truly love somebody then you would never cheat, the thought would never enter your mind anyone's mind for that matter. Just not right when people cheat, I gave up a lot of things, like having a life period, I don't go out only to work or doctors/gorcery shopping/ most of the time my fiance spend as much time e-mailing or on the phone with each other, where there is love there is always away. but cheating isn't even an option, just disgusting when people are like that.

That sounds like a co-dependency rather than a healthy relationship.

[Calypso 464]

In my opinion, maturity doesn't come with age so being young can't be a reason for her to do something to satisfy her reckless youth.

[Unsettled 0]

The green card is not a factor here. She has NEVER expressed any interest in coming to the US. She is far more interested in going to India to study yoga, but has put that dream on hold to come here to the US. I'm not footing the bill for this alone, either, as she's been saving her money and is paying for half of the immigration application costs (and all of the costs at the embassy). Furthermore, her sister and brother-in-law are moving back to her country this month, so she doesn't even have being near them to look forward to. If there's one thing I'm 100% certain about, it's that the green card is not a factor. Her family is reasonably well off, and I'm not offering any kind of financial gain for her, so it's never been about money.

Those who stated that there's no excuse for infidelity are absolutely right. And yet it happens very frequently all over the world. I think some people are more vulnerable than others ... just the way we're wired. I've made it very clear to her that nothing like this can ever happen again, and that I hold myself to the very same standard. I have to give her a chance here ... I have to give her some credit for telling me the truth about it. She could have just kept it a secret and told me her change in attitude was do to some other cause. Instead, the guilt ate her up. That shows some humanity to me, and I don't believe she's a bad person. She just used bad judgment and let her sexual desires overtake her sensibilities.

Now ... the nightclub thing ... I should explain exactly what happened. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with her going to nightclubs anymore after this happened. Well ... she went out to dinner with one of her friends the other night, and afterwards a group of her friends (who know nothing about this) called her up and invited her to go dancing with them. My fiance called me and asked me if she could go dancing with them. She told me she felt so terrible about what happened that I really didn't have to worry about her, and that she just wanted to have the comfort of friends around her. Again ... she didn't have to call and tell me, she could have just gone and hid it from me. But she did call me to let me know what was going on. At first ... I said "yes", so this was my bad. I didn't really want her to go, but I guess I didn't want to be the controlling boyfriend telling her where she could go and who she could go out with. But I really wasn't comfortable with it, and I was upset that she would even ask me after I had expressed how uncomfortable I was with it. So I do have to accept some responsibility for not being more immediately decisive when she asked. I texted her shortly afterwards and told her that I was sorry, but had second thoughts and didn't think it was a good idea. She called back and was upset that I told her after she had green lighted it with her friends. This is the gray area...she had reason to be frustrated that I wasn't decisive enough in the first place, but I do think she should have been more understanding in light of what had happened only a few weeks prior.

Long story short, it was after I told her the next day that I can't keep going on like this with her if she goes to night clubs that she immediately took clubbing off the table. So ... I think she's being pretty reasonable. Yes, I wish she hadn't even asked me about going clubbing, but I at least appreciate that she told me about it and kept me informed along the way. She did text me and call me throughout the night while she was at the club, where I heard the music going on in the background. Then when she arrived back home, she called me to let me know she was back and safe and sound. SO, now that she knows definitively how strongly I am against the clubbing, she's okay with not going and suggested the means of accountability.

I have to point out that I do know this girl ... I was with her every day for two years. We practically lived together (but couldn't because of cultural prohibitions). I know her heart, and I know that she's not the kind of person to lead a double life. She's always been critical of people that do, and I know that's why the guilt ate her up as it did ... she failed according to her own values. So I believe she has the motivation and strength to right it.

Well, that's it for me. I guess I've made my decision. Thanks for your feedback! I found the private messages especially constructive, and I really appreciate them.

[NickD 202]

If that's really how you feel, the relationship is doomed (which may not be a bad thing).

Since this is also a DOS and a USCIS matter, can't forget about them in this relationship and that unforgiving I-864, that's when you really can get screwed. Two types of replies to this thread, the bad jokers, and the serious ones from people that experienced this relationship.

Why did she confess her deed to her sister, did she want you to find out? Is she immature? Or is she nuts? Not easy to be in love with a cheater and really don't comprehend how anyone can say they are in love with a person that doesn't return that love. You have got to be living in a dream.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

The green card is not a factor here. She has NEVER expressed any interest in coming to the US. She is far more interested in going to India to study yoga, but has put that dream on hold to come here to the US. I'm not footing the bill for this alone, either, as she's been saving her money and is paying for half of the immigration application costs (and all of the costs at the embassy). Furthermore, her sister and brother-in-law are moving back to her country this month, so she doesn't even have being near them to look forward to. If there's one thing I'm 100% certain about, it's that the green card is not a factor. Her family is reasonably well off, and I'm not offering any kind of financial gain for her, so it's never been about money.

Those who stated that there's no excuse for infidelity are absolutely right. And yet it happens very frequently all over the world. I think some people are more vulnerable than others ... just the way we're wired. I've made it very clear to her that nothing like this can ever happen again, and that I hold myself to the very same standard. I have to give her a chance here ... I have to give her some credit for telling me the truth about it. She could have just kept it a secret and told me her change in attitude was do to some other cause. Instead, the guilt ate her up. That shows some humanity to me, and I don't believe she's a bad person. She just used bad judgment and let her sexual desires overtake her sensibilities.

Now ... the nightclub thing ... I should explain exactly what happened. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with her going to nightclubs anymore after this happened. Well ... she went out to dinner with one of her friends the other night, and afterwards a group of her friends (who know nothing about this) called her up and invited her to go dancing with them. My fiance called me and asked me if she could go dancing with them. She told me she felt so terrible about what happened that I really didn't have to worry about her, and that she just wanted to have the comfort of friends around her. Again ... she didn't have to call and tell me, she could have just gone and hid it from me. But she did call me to let me know what was going on. At first ... I said "yes", so this was my bad. I didn't really want her to go, but I guess I didn't want to be the controlling boyfriend telling her where she could go and who she could go out with. But I really wasn't comfortable with it, and I was upset that she would even ask me after I had expressed how uncomfortable I was with it. So I do have to accept some responsibility for not being more immediately decisive when she asked. I texted her shortly afterwards and told her that I was sorry, but had second thoughts and didn't think it was a good idea. She called back and was upset that I told her after she had green lighted it with her friends. This is the gray area...she had reason to be frustrated that I wasn't decisive enough in the first place, but I do think she should have been more understanding in light of what had happened only a few weeks prior.

Long story short, it was after I told her the next day that I can't keep going on like this with her if she goes to night clubs that she immediately took clubbing off the table. So ... I think she's being pretty reasonable. Yes, I wish she hadn't even asked me about going clubbing, but I at least appreciate that she told me about it and kept me informed along the way. She did text me and call me throughout the night while she was at the club, where I heard the music going on in the background. Then when she arrived back home, she called me to let me know she was back and safe and sound. SO, now that she knows definitively how strongly I am against the clubbing, she's okay with not going and suggested the means of accountability.

I have to point out that I do know this girl ... I was with her every day for two years. We practically lived together (but couldn't because of cultural prohibitions). I know her heart, and I know that she's not the kind of person to lead a double life. She's always been critical of people that do, and I know that's why the guilt ate her up as it did ... she failed according to her own values. So I believe she has the motivation and strength to right it.

Well, that's it for me. I guess I've made my decision. Thanks for your feedback! I found the private messages especially constructive, and I really appreciate them.

I'm happy you made a decision you can live with. Best of luck to both of you

[Calypso 464]

All right... so the OP has finally made a decision. We should respect whatever he chooses to do. After all there's a saying that goes, "To itch his own."

Unsettled, you might want to send this link to your girl.

Some more advice for you. Read here. Another one this way.

And oh, if you take her back, don't just act like nothing happened. Redefine your relationship this time.

As one song says, "Shame on her if she fools you once, shame on you if she fools you twice." If she cheats again, who knows if she'd still confess it.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Good luck to the both of you. It sounds to me like this is a mistake that probably won't happen again - she has realized the value of what she put at risk. I like to remember that 'that which does not break us, makes us stronger'. I hope it works this way for you two and your relationship as well. Arbind.Ariadne is right - you do need to re-define your relationship in terms of this and move forward, rather than pretend it never happened. Good luck.

Edited February 8, 2010 by Kathryn41

[justashooter 430]

We practically lived together (but couldn't because of cultural prohibitions).

somehow i lived with my GF in china for 2 years before we got married. i got looked at real hard by the PSB, but i guess the concensus was that the business was good enuf to cover the indiscretion. ######, they let me do all kind of thigns i couldn't get away with here.

[Brit Abroad 166]

Doh, removed as the OP has decided his course of action.

Edited February 8, 2010 by Brit Abroad

[mawilson 2,133]

1. Kissing someone else WITH A RING ON HER FINGER!

2. The drive back to their "sex location" (kissing another guy, holding another guys hand).

3. The process of stripping for both of them (seeing another guy naked for the first time in ages)

4. The foreplay (however short she should have thought about you and the differences between you and this guy SEVERAL times)

5. The actual act

Is it just me or is everyone else turned on as well?

[spookyturtle 9,465]

Is it just me or is everyone else turned on as well?

We have wood.

[Calypso 464]

We have wood.

I suggest that you and mawilson proceed here.

[ChuckandRhean 0]

the facts are: the girl has cheated, she likes the experienced of being around temptations(men in the club) and that she lessen the frequency clubbing when prompted not to . And this caused discomfort on your part not knowing whats happening behind you... ! Id suggest that you should know her better before putting a ring on her finger, two years of living together isnt enough.

..."she was feeling alone and emotionally vulnerable"-- and leads to being on bed with other man. Inevitably,she'll be caught up in same situation certainly in later time,And I do hope she learned from her cheating experience,to know how to respond maturely ,and get her acts together.

Be happy with the right woman!