Cheating Fiance

[Unsettled 0]

I have been apart from my fiance for about 5 months. We've been together for 2 years, and both lived in her native country originally. We were with each other every day and had an amazing relationship with a fantastic connection. Unfortunately, I had to return to the US for a plethora of reasons. I wanted her to come with me, but of course we've been forced to wait because of the K1 visa process.

We've been getting along well using Skype, emailing every day and talking on the phone. But a few weeks ago, I'd noticed something changed. She started to seem more distant, and I immediately knew something was wrong. I confronted her about it, and she confessed to me that she'd met a guy at a nightclub, and she was feeling alone and emotionally vulnerable. She slept with him.

Damn, the agony. But she told me she felt terrible about it and that she really loved me, and was angry with herself for having allowed it to happen. My take?

Well, 5 months is a long time. But somehow I've managed to keep faithful to her, so I can't help but feel really upset about this. However, I also know that we're all human, and it's tough for me just to write her off because of it, especially considering she told me the truth when she could have kept it a secret.

Against my better judgment, I forgave her and told her I still love her, and that if she'll have me as her husband, I still want her to be my wife. But I told her I don't feel comfortable with her going to nightclubs, because I think it's tough to avoid the temptation in that kind of environment when you're feeling vulnerable. She didn't like this, because she enjoys going out and dancing with her friends. I understand that, and I don't want to keep her from enjoying the company of her friends. But now everytime she goes out, I feel so anxious about it that I can hardly sleep.

Does this mean it's time to say good-bye? Am I being unreasonable by telling her I'm not comfortable with her going to clubs? Should I just suck it up and try to trust her again?

We've only got about a month and a half left of waiting ... so I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I love her, and I know that she loves me. But is she too lacking in maturity and self-control to build a happy marriage together? I don't want to be completely blind here ... I am in love with the girl.

Some third party opinions are much appreciated. Thanks!

[I'm Gone 60]

I would have said adios when she screwed the other guy, but I'm funny like that.

[Dakine 26]

Once a cheater!!

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

Does this mean it's time to say good-bye?

Yes.

[alienlovechild 75]

Against my better judgment, I forgave her and told her I still love her, and that if she'll have me as her husband, I still want her to be my wife. But I told her I don't feel comfortable with her going to nightclubs, because I think it's tough to avoid the temptation in that kind of environment when you're feeling vulnerable. She didn't like this, because she enjoys going out and dancing with her friends. I understand that, and I don't want to keep her from enjoying the company of her friends. But now everytime she goes out, I feel so anxious about it that I can hardly sleep.

Does this mean it's time to say good-bye? Am I being unreasonable by telling her I'm not comfortable with her going to clubs? Should I just suck it up and try to trust her again?

We've only got about a month and a half left of waiting ... so I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I love her, and I know that she loves me. But is she too lacking in maturity and self-control to build a happy marriage together? I don't want to be completely blind here ... I am in love with the girl.

The question is whether you think this will be the pattern for her when she gets to the States? I don't know how you live your life or what your plans are but maybe she be more isolated without here without her friends or perhaps you'll be the jealous guy always wondering what's she's up to. You knew her well enough to know something was different and she confessed so doesn't that show at least some guilt on her part and honesty?

[Nasturtium 500]

Can a cheater reform? Yes. But... she is not stopping her habits. I would not be comfortable with any of it and coupled with her not wanting to change, that is not a good sign.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

MUS7GhW8Qds

[mamaSue 38]

From a female perspective...

If I were apart from my husband for a long time and he insisted I didn't go out clubbing, knowing I had screwed another man.....

I would find it quite reasonable if he asked me not to go to clubs with my friends.... IF I LOVED HIM AND WANTED TO BE WITH HIM!!

'Nuff said!!

[Ban Hammer 14,183]

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

You mean:

[Teacher Mark 53]

Get rid of her.

[Allamericankiwi 14]

she cheated...was it just the once??.....anyway she confessed. forgiveness is always an option, but you dont know her well enough to know if she might do it again or whether its just that she dosnt love you enough to be faithful. When you forgive, you do so based on your sound knowledge of the person, how genuine the repentance is and weighing those up, and very importantly, whether you believe you can trust her again. saying you forgive dosnt mean you really have when theres still big doubts in your mind

So she goes to a nightclub, cheats then gets upset when you ask her not to go back to the same place where the cheating began....that shows shes not really and truly sorry for what she did...not sorry enough in my books anyway. It also shows shes not committed to be faithful to you. time apart in some ways is a good test....she failed it.

Im sorry to say it but I personally think, based on what youve said that you should end the relationship now. If you cant break it off....and I understand that feeling, then put everything on hold and just continue to email her. If she wont do that, then its over.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

Edited February 7, 2010 by Mr. Big Dog

[SunDrop 59]

I'm sorry that you've been hurt this way.

I know that you asked for advice as to whether you should continue the relationship or not, but really, it's a decision that's got to come from you.

LDRs are very difficult and everyone brings different mindsets to them, based on individual experiences. You don't say how old you both are, and this does factor into it since no matter how mature you might be for your age, life experience steers so much of our decision-making.

She should have been honest with you right from the get-go, but I understand that it takes a lot of courage for anyone to do this. Having said that, she came clean when you asked her. And that's worth something.

Everyone makes mistakes. Only you can know if you trust that it was this one and only time. Only you can know if the loss of trust can be recovered. Time is a healer and I personally don't believe in the 'once a cheater...' saying. You know her, her personality, her boundaries, morals and attitudes towards relationships and what her expectations are of them.

How it happened isn't necessarily details you want to hear but it does factor into things. Without being crude, there is a difference to a rather drunken quickie out the back of the club and a stone-cold sober dance-athon followed by going back to someone's place and ending up spending the whole night. One is impulsive, brash, unthinking, a carnal itch-scratching if you will. The other has many opportunities to gather yourself and consider what you're really doing.

A lot of people experience infidelity, as the one being unfaithful, and discover it's such a devastating act both to them and their relationship, it's never repeated again. It shows them a lack of self-control that is actually scary and carries a burden of guilt, that they truly wish they could turn back time and have it never happen.

You need, of your own accord, decide if you want to allow time to heal; if you believe that it was impulsive or considered; if it's ever likely to be repeated. You need to figure out if you can cope with knowing that she's been intimate with someone else. If the absence of emotion of their encounter is enough to make it tolerable.

Do you have the means to travel out there, even if it's only for a short while? Even if it would mean you'd have less vacation time to take when she gets to the US, or you have to shelve plans for an expensive honeymoon, it's probably worth going to see her.

As to is it fair to ask her to stop going to clubs, that's a tough question. She's about to leave it all behind her and move across the world. And it's not something that she'll be able to recapture (the routine, the closeness of the friendships) even if she travels home frequently once you're married. It's never the same again. I actually understand where she's coming from when she doesn't want to stop hanging out with her friends, and as long as you're convinced it was only that one time, I'd see it as a good sign that she was shocked by her behaviour and knows well enough that it will never happen again. But... she owes you. And in her place, I would sacrifice clubbing for the sake of my relationship, even knowing that I'm about to give it all up when I move. And I'd expect my friends to understand why and not take it personally.

A lot of thinking to do, but honestly, it would be more than fair to ask if you told her that you are so uncomfortable with her clubbing, that if she doesn't stop going and make that sacrifice for you, then you'll have to really consider if marriage is the right step for you; if she's the one for you.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I would have said adios when she screwed the other guy, but I'm funny like that.

Me too.