To tell or not to tell

[jom 4]

I am asking for sensible pieces of advice from the members here:

The characters: ( not real names )

Marie ( my first cousin)

Tom ( Marie's USC husband)

Marie WAS a battered by by her ex-Filipino husband. They have four children. She never worked because she married early and eventually escaped from her miserable married life. She then started to chat online and sad to say, she survived with finacial support from the men she talked to in the internet. In short, her survival depended on men from the remittances from foreigners. Yes, she used them to supprt herself and her two daughters.

Fast forward, she met Tom and he petitioned her for a K1 and K2 visa for her and her 2 daughters. Tom is from Ohio with a 12 year old daughter and a 25 yr old son . He was a widower. The petition was granted and December 2007, she and the 2 girls arrived in Ohio. Tom is 55 years old ( she is 41), a big man, about 300lbs and "unhealthy", takes 24 pills a day. I know for a fact that even while the K1 visa was in the process, she had her Filipino BF and also another man from Europe sending her money. I kept quiet because I thought its her life and I didn't know Tom.

Fast forward again...she is bored with her life in Ohio. Tom is not working and as she told me, she is tired looking at him. Yes, she doesn't love him and he knows this. When my husband and I visited them last year, Tom and my husband had a talk and he told my husband that he knows Marie doesn't love him but he hoped she will in the future.

Now, Marie was so bored with her life in Ohio, she decided to leave ( with Tom's permission) and find work in Chicago. My sister is there and Marie with her two girls stayed with her for weeks. Tom went there recently to visit them. Marie on the other hand tries to make excuses not to work and insisted that she wants to go to Colorado to work. I am not stupid so I know something is going on. She is surrounded by Filipinos and family in Chicago but wants to go to Colorado to work, as she said, she found work in Colorado via the internet. Tom doesn't know about her plan to go to Colorado and he only stayed in Chicago for one day to visit. He is now back in Ohio.

I just talked to my sister this morning and she told me that Marie and her girls are leaving for Colorado today. Days prior, Marie told her that her trip to Colorado was cancelled but suddenly she is on it again. Even my sister smelled something fishy about the plan. In my heart I know, she is probably meeting someone. I already talked to her, told her to stay in Chicago because it is safer for her but she is insistent. I didn't mention about my suspicions.

She is now on her way to Colorado and Tom doesn't know. Ive met Tom and he is a decent man. I want to call him and tell him where his wife is heading and he can decide what to do because I believe it is the right thing to do. Also, the two girls are minors ( 14 and 16 ) and I am concerned of their safety. At the same time, she is family and I don't want to be a home wrecker for being the one who let the cat out of the bag. I don't want to interfere with her decisions because it is her life but my conscience tells me to inform Tom of what is going on because he deserves to know the truth. My husband told me to call and tell Tom.

I really can't decide.

Yes, my cousin is a user, a scammer too. At first, I understood her lifestyle before she came here because she had to survive, but now I don't undestand the behaviour. I know for sure she is unhappy and has not learned to love Tom despite his kindness and goodness but I wish she would just go home to the Philippines instead of doing things behind his back. Tom is a decent man and deserves to be loved unconditionally and I feel it is my obligation to tell him. On the other hand I also don't want to interfere with other people's lives.

If you are in my shoes what will you do? To tell or not to tell?

My sister has decided not to say anything.

You can call my cousin anything, it doesn't matter. As I said she is a user and a scammer , no argument about that. I just want to do the right thing.

Thank you.

[NArocks 13]

I would say nothing, Tom needs to take the blinders off all on his own honey.

[SMOKE 1,426]

tell him. give me the # & i'll tell him.

[HAL 9000 96]

tell him. give me the # & i'll tell him.

conference call I say.

[NArocks 13]

I see it as he knew what she ( him the OP ) was like before but allowed this man to get involved and marry ####### he should have opened his mouth before she came to the US not know that the man is involved in her life and the life of the kids. Now it is too late IMHO If the man she is with is that blind then whatever. I would recommend a good condom for any future contct with his wife though may he will get the hint this way??

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Wow, Myla... I'm sorry you are in this uncomfortable position of feeling loyalty to your sister and also caring about your brother-in-law. How long have they been married now?

Here's my honest opinion - since you don't know for certain what your sister is up to, and since Tom seems to know the score between himself and his wife, I would hold off on saying anything. Before you do say something to Tom, you should confront your sister on the phone and then ask her. If she is in fact, in another relationship, then tell her that she needs to come forward to tell Tom. I'd even give her the ultimatum that if she doesn't tell him, then you will.

[Donna A 4]

shes the home wrecker not u. she is the one tearing down the marriege. he has a right to know or she will continue scamming him.

[SMOKE 1,426]

I see it as he knew what she ( him the OP ) was like before but allowed this man to get involved and marry ####### he should have opened his mouth before she came to the US not know that the man is involved in her life and the life of the kids. Now it is too late IMHO If the man she is with is that blind then whatever. I would recommend a good condom for any future contct with his wife though may he will get the hint this way??

the OP is a she. she explained her cousins past & why she never said anything prior. she now knows the USC & stated her opinion that he is a 'trick fool sucka for love'. he (the USC) had hoped things would change....they have not. in fact the lies are getting worse & now are putting children in possible danger. the USC is the sponsor of the visas & is responsible for their well being. he needs to know she is taking off to another state w/o the crutch of family & friends to rely on if things go bad.

tell'em jom or have your husband tell'em. you already said you know its the right thing to do.

[Otto 83]

(I'd Sing Like A Canary)

[jom 4]

I see it as he knew what she ( him the OP ) was like before but allowed this man to get involved and marry ####### he should have opened his mouth before she came to the US not know that the man is involved in her life and the life of the kids. Now it is too late IMHO If the man she is with is that blind then whatever. I would recommend a good condom for any future contct with his wife though may he will get the hint this way??

OP is HER..I had no way of telling Tom because I have not met him until we visited my cousin in Ohio last year. My cousin lived in another island when we were still in the Philippines. I was also busy with work and my own visa processing.

Anyhow, thank you for your thoughts.

[jom 4]

Wow, Myla... I'm sorry you are in this uncomfortable position of feeling loyalty to your sister and also caring about your brother-in-law. How long have they been married now?

Here's my honest opinion - since you don't know for certain what your sister is up to, and since Tom seems to know the score between himself and his wife, I would hold off on saying anything. Before you do say something to Tom, you should confront your sister on the phone and then ask her. If she is in fact, in another relationship, then tell her that she needs to come forward to tell Tom. I'd even give her the ultimatum that if she doesn't tell him, then you will.

Its my first cousin not my sister. If its my li'l sis, ill probably use a slipper to smack her head

[GabiandVi 34]

This is a hard one and nearly impossible for anyone here to be able to give very good advice. You know Tom better than we do. Is he in denial? Does it help him to hold on to the belief that this will work out? Or is he really in total ignorance? Will he appreciate you telling him? Or will he be angry at you for interfering? Is he supporting her in any way? Is she still taking advantage of him?

I think you want to tell him and so maybe you should. Maybe your instincts are telling you what is best. I don't know. I would hope someone would tell me.

The only advice I would give you is not to let your loyalty to that heartless b*tch factor into your decision. She does not deserve any protection in this situation, and you won't be wrecking any family. She has already done that and it sounds like she doesn't give a sh*t anyway.

[sara..... 371]

a lot of times when people tell on others like that trying to help someone that person becomes the enemy of everyone not because u set out to be but because u took the blinders off from his side and from her side how dare u get into something that is not ur business?

im not saying thats right im just trying to give u a little heads up on what to expect. the man after some time will talk to u again but as far as ur cousin prolly will take a long time and if she is that cold im sure she will try some retaliation.

what ever u decide to do plz take care this situation could explode in ur face, u seem to be a really nice and carrying person, and ur thinking about telling for the right reasons i just would hate to see u get hurt out of it

sara

[Ban Hammer 12,880]

maybe drop a hint, like asking how's her trip to colorado going

[one...two...tree 2,762]

If its my li'l sis, ill probably use a slipper to smack her head

It is sad to know that some women do this. Maybe it's a survival mode for them, or it's starts out that way, but quickly becomes exciting for them but in the end it will all come back on her in one way or another.