To tell or not to tell

[Mags 112]

Honestly, I'd just stay out of it. You say that the husband already knows that she doesn't love him, and her behaviour doesn't scream faithfulness even to the most blinkered person.

It sounds to me like the husband knew what he was getting into. If this is the type of marriage he wants then that's up to him. She was quite obviously worthless before they married and she remains so afterwards too. He knows - so I really don't see the point in getting involved in someone else's mess.

[Welshcookie 17]

I would keep out of it...I'm guessing that 'Tom' knows far more than he wants to admit and sometimes people who choose to remain blinkered do not often thank those who tell them some truths, even if it is for their own good...facing the truth to some people is more hurtful than remaining 'ignorant'....but I am sure he will get there by himself eventually.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I would keep out of it...I'm guessing that 'Tom' knows far more than he wants to admit and sometimes people who choose to remain blinkered do not often thank those who tell them some truths, even if it is for their own good...facing the truth to some people is more hurtful than remaining 'ignorant'....but I am sure he will get there by himself eventually.

[Captain Oates 910]

I would keep out of it...I'm guessing that 'Tom' knows far more than he wants to admit and sometimes people who choose to remain blinkered do not often thank those who tell them some truths, even if it is for their own good...facing the truth to some people is more hurtful than remaining 'ignorant'....but I am sure he will get there by himself eventually.

Heck Welshcookie beat me to it

My son had a Venezuelan girlfriend who was messing him about and he knew it really. She said she was going from Tenerife to Madrid to meet a girlfriend but he knew something was going on

Her previous boyfriend was an Italian

He called her cell phone and it came on answering machine - ITALIAN answering machine !

He called her next day and she answered and said she was having a great time in Madrid - he said 'Surprise ! me and my dad are in Madrid too - let's all meet up for drink'

ooops !!! yes I reckon Tom knows but he is hanging on and hoping.

My son's GF was stunning and he just did the same - hanging on - hoping

Eventually she sneaked out in the night and took all his live savings in cash from his safe under the floor

Even then he was negotiating her return with or without the cash

Love is blind or at least hopeful

[Ban Hammer 12,863]

ah he should just dump her and get a nice girl from

oh wait.........

[Captain Oates 910]

ah he should just dump her and get a nice girl from

oh wait.........

Somewhere where it's OK to be really big.. I am not being jokey - there are some beautiful large women in the south seas for instance...

I reckon it's more relaxing to have someone who is similar to oneself in physical attractiveness - otherwise you have to keep em on a lead

I was really lucky coz I got one that is faithful and beautiful too - I know that from the tracking device in her heel

No there is serious point here in that the poor guy is going to go through hell at some stage and I wouldn't like to be the one to accelerate that for him.

I know that very many women look primarily for kindness and character and that makes him very attractive and he will replace her soon enough - but it has to take it's course

If she left any clues I sure wouldn't hide em though

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I would keep out of it...I'm guessing that 'Tom' knows far more than he wants to admit and sometimes people who choose to remain blinkered do not often thank those who tell them some truths, even if it is for their own good...facing the truth to some people is more hurtful than remaining 'ignorant'....but I am sure he will get there by himself eventually.

Heck Welshcookie beat me to it

My son had a Venezuelan girlfriend who was messing him about and he knew it really. She said she was going from Tenerife to Madrid to meet a girlfriend but he knew something was going on

Her previous boyfriend was an Italian

He called her cell phone and it came on answering machine - ITALIAN answering machine !

He called her next day and she answered and said she was having a great time in Madrid - he said 'Surprise ! me and my dad are in Madrid too - let's all meet up for drink'

ooops !!! yes I reckon Tom knows but he is hanging on and hoping.

My son's GF was stunning and he just did the same - hanging on - hoping

Eventually she sneaked out in the night and took all his live savings in cash from his safe under the floor

Even then he was negotiating her return with or without the cash

Love is blind or at least hopeful

Oh man...poor guy. He really was blinded.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I am asking for sensible pieces of advice from the members here:

The characters: ( not real names )

Marie ( my first cousin)

Tom ( Marie's USC husband)

Marie WAS a battered by by her ex-Filipino husband. They have four children. She never worked because she married early and eventually escaped from her miserable married life. She then started to chat online and sad to say, she survived with finacial support from the men she talked to in the internet. In short, her survival depended on men from the remittances from foreigners. Yes, she used them to supprt herself and her two daughters.

Fast forward, she met Tom and he petitioned her for a K1 and K2 visa for her and her 2 daughters. Tom is from Ohio with a 12 year old daughter and a 25 yr old son . He was a widower. The petition was granted and December 2007, she and the 2 girls arrived in Ohio. Tom is 55 years old ( she is 41), a big man, about 300lbs and "unhealthy", takes 24 pills a day. I know for a fact that even while the K1 visa was in the process, she had her Filipino BF and also another man from Europe sending her money. I kept quiet because I thought its her life and I didn't know Tom.

Fast forward again...she is bored with her life in Ohio. Tom is not working and as she told me, she is tired looking at him. Yes, she doesn't love him and he knows this. When my husband and I visited them last year, Tom and my husband had a talk and he told my husband that he knows Marie doesn't love him but he hoped she will in the future.

Now, Marie was so bored with her life in Ohio, she decided to leave ( with Tom's permission) and find work in Chicago. My sister is there and Marie with her two girls stayed with her for weeks. Tom went there recently to visit them. Marie on the other hand tries to make excuses not to work and insisted that she wants to go to Colorado to work. I am not stupid so I know something is going on. She is surrounded by Filipinos and family in Chicago but wants to go to Colorado to work, as she said, she found work in Colorado via the internet. Tom doesn't know about her plan to go to Colorado and he only stayed in Chicago for one day to visit. He is now back in Ohio.

I just talked to my sister this morning and she told me that Marie and her girls are leaving for Colorado today. Days prior, Marie told her that her trip to Colorado was cancelled but suddenly she is on it again. Even my sister smelled something fishy about the plan. In my heart I know, she is probably meeting someone. I already talked to her, told her to stay in Chicago because it is safer for her but she is insistent. I didn't mention about my suspicions.

She is now on her way to Colorado and Tom doesn't know. Ive met Tom and he is a decent man. I want to call him and tell him where his wife is heading and he can decide what to do because I believe it is the right thing to do. Also, the two girls are minors ( 14 and 16 ) and I am concerned of their safety. At the same time, she is family and I don't want to be a home wrecker for being the one who let the cat out of the bag. I don't want to interfere with her decisions because it is her life but my conscience tells me to inform Tom of what is going on because he deserves to know the truth. My husband told me to call and tell Tom.

I really can't decide.

Yes, my cousin is a user, a scammer too. At first, I understood her lifestyle before she came here because she had to survive, but now I don't undestand the behaviour. I know for sure she is unhappy and has not learned to love Tom despite his kindness and goodness but I wish she would just go home to the Philippines instead of doing things behind his back. Tom is a decent man and deserves to be loved unconditionally and I feel it is my obligation to tell him. On the other hand I also don't want to interfere with other people's lives.

If you are in my shoes what will you do? To tell or not to tell?

My sister has decided not to say anything.

You can call my cousin anything, it doesn't matter. As I said she is a user and a scammer , no argument about that. I just want to do the right thing.

Thank you.

I would put everybody in the same room, and tell everybody what you think you know. Nobody else needs to know.

[marklovetina 52]

I am asking for sensible pieces of advice from the members here:

The characters: ( not real names )

Marie ( my first cousin)

Tom ( Marie's USC husband)

Marie WAS a battered by by her ex-Filipino husband. They have four children. She never worked because she married early and eventually escaped from her miserable married life. She then started to chat online and sad to say, she survived with finacial support from the men she talked to in the internet. In short, her survival depended on men from the remittances from foreigners. Yes, she used them to supprt herself and her two daughters.

Fast forward, she met Tom and he petitioned her for a K1 and K2 visa for her and her 2 daughters. Tom is from Ohio with a 12 year old daughter and a 25 yr old son . He was a widower. The petition was granted and December 2007, she and the 2 girls arrived in Ohio. Tom is 55 years old ( she is 41), a big man, about 300lbs and "unhealthy", takes 24 pills a day. I know for a fact that even while the K1 visa was in the process, she had her Filipino BF and also another man from Europe sending her money. I kept quiet because I thought its her life and I didn't know Tom.

Fast forward again...she is bored with her life in Ohio. Tom is not working and as she told me, she is tired looking at him. Yes, she doesn't love him and he knows this. When my husband and I visited them last year, Tom and my husband had a talk and he told my husband that he knows Marie doesn't love him but he hoped she will in the future.

Now, Marie was so bored with her life in Ohio, she decided to leave ( with Tom's permission) and find work in Chicago. My sister is there and Marie with her two girls stayed with her for weeks. Tom went there recently to visit them. Marie on the other hand tries to make excuses not to work and insisted that she wants to go to Colorado to work. I am not stupid so I know something is going on. She is surrounded by Filipinos and family in Chicago but wants to go to Colorado to work, as she said, she found work in Colorado via the internet. Tom doesn't know about her plan to go to Colorado and he only stayed in Chicago for one day to visit. He is now back in Ohio.

I just talked to my sister this morning and she told me that Marie and her girls are leaving for Colorado today. Days prior, Marie told her that her trip to Colorado was cancelled but suddenly she is on it again. Even my sister smelled something fishy about the plan. In my heart I know, she is probably meeting someone. I already talked to her, told her to stay in Chicago because it is safer for her but she is insistent. I didn't mention about my suspicions.

She is now on her way to Colorado and Tom doesn't know. Ive met Tom and he is a decent man. I want to call him and tell him where his wife is heading and he can decide what to do because I believe it is the right thing to do. Also, the two girls are minors ( 14 and 16 ) and I am concerned of their safety. At the same time, she is family and I don't want to be a home wrecker for being the one who let the cat out of the bag. I don't want to interfere with her decisions because it is her life but my conscience tells me to inform Tom of what is going on because he deserves to know the truth. My husband told me to call and tell Tom.

I really can't decide.

Yes, my cousin is a user, a scammer too. At first, I understood her lifestyle before she came here because she had to survive, but now I don't undestand the behaviour. I know for sure she is unhappy and has not learned to love Tom despite his kindness and goodness but I wish she would just go home to the Philippines instead of doing things behind his back. Tom is a decent man and deserves to be loved unconditionally and I feel it is my obligation to tell him. On the other hand I also don't want to interfere with other people's lives.

If you are in my shoes what will you do? To tell or not to tell?

My sister has decided not to say anything.

You can call my cousin anything, it doesn't matter. As I said she is a user and a scammer , no argument about that. I just want to do the right thing.

Thank you.

if i am in ur shoes...?... guess i will tell tom... but not directly to the point bcoz he will be hurt i know... just give him a hint... one poster says here u are not the home wrecker but ur cousin... but lets face it... many foreigners now see filipinas as scammers and bad women.. inspite of the good deeds they did and some filipinas just do what they want when got there in the u.s.... and one of them is ur cousin... ooopssss sorry to say that.... but i think ur hubby is correct call tom and tell what is right.... beside u love ur hubby right?.. he is a good man too and ur man knows the story what ur cousin is upto... so para sa kababayan nya masmagandang maging fair din tayo sa knila... hindi porket relative antin o kababayan natin eh itatago natin ang di magandang gawa... isa pa hindi na namn sya iba eh.... pero asa sayo pa rin un , and as an attny... sna lang gawin mo ang tama...hehehhe... :thumbs:

[Ban Hammer 12,863]

if i am in ur shoes...?... guess i will tell tom... but not directly to the point bcoz he will be hurt i know... just give him a hint... one poster says here u are not the home wrecker but ur cousin... but lets face it... many foreigners now see filipinas as scammers and bad women.. inspite of the good deeds they did and some filipinas just do what they want when got there in the u.s.... and one of them is ur cousin... ooopssss sorry to say that.... but i think ur hubby is correct call tom and tell what is right.... beside u love ur hubby right?.. he is a good man too and ur man knows the story what ur cousin is upto... so para sa kababayan nya masmagandang maging fair din tayo sa knila... hindi porket relative antin o kababayan natin eh itatago natin ang di magandang gawa... isa pa hindi na namn sya iba eh.... pero asa sayo pa rin un , and as an attny... sna lang gawin mo ang tama...hehehhe... :thumbs:

use english only outside the regional forums.......

[marklovetina 52]

if i am in ur shoes...?... guess i will tell tom... but not directly to the point bcoz he will be hurt i know... just give him a hint... one poster says here u are not the home wrecker but ur cousin... but lets face it... many foreigners now see filipinas as scammers and bad women.. inspite of the good deeds they did and some filipinas just do what they want when got there in the u.s.... and one of them is ur cousin... ooopssss sorry to say that.... but i think ur hubby is correct call tom and tell what is right.... beside u love ur hubby right?.. he is a good man too and ur man knows the story what ur cousin is upto... so para sa kababayan nya masmagandang maging fair din tayo sa knila... hindi porket relative antin o kababayan natin eh itatago natin ang di magandang gawa... isa pa hindi na namn sya iba eh.... pero asa sayo pa rin un , and as an attny... sna lang gawin mo ang tama...hehehhe... :thumbs:

use english only outside the regional forums.......

hahhaha.. sorry ....

[marklovetina 52]

if i am in ur shoes...?... guess i will tell tom... but not directly to the point bcoz he will be hurt i know... just give him a hint... one poster says here u are not the home wrecker but ur cousin... but lets face it... many foreigners now see filipinas as scammers and bad women.. inspite of the good deeds they did and some filipinas just do what they want when got there in the u.s.... and one of them is ur cousin... ooopssss sorry to say that.... but i think ur hubby is correct call tom and tell what is right.... beside u love ur hubby right?.. he is a good man too and ur man knows the story what ur cousin is upto... so para sa kababayan nya masmagandang maging fair din tayo sa knila... hindi porket relative antin o kababayan natin eh itatago natin ang di magandang gawa... isa pa hindi na namn sya iba eh.... pero asa sayo pa rin un , and as an attny... sna lang gawin mo ang tama...hehehhe... :thumbs:

use english only outside the regional forums.......

hahhaha.. sorry ....

well i am jsut trying to say that... we filipinas need to be fair to u too foreigners...not to keep silence just bcoz its her cousin or fellow filipinas she will just keep quiet and will hide what her cousin is doin bad.... beside, tom is not others to her now.. bcoz its her cousin now.....not only that according to jom he is a very good man should be treated love unconditionally... and joms is a lawyer.. hope and wish she will do the right thing as a lawyer... its up to u.. u just heard our side.... its really ur desicion if u will gonna tell or not to tom... goodluck!!!

[luckytxn 2,263]

The right thing is not to say anything but as for me I would tell him what is up so he can start deciding what to do. He may need a close support as this may devastate him badly. It is a shame how often I hear this happening and many times from babes from the Phillipines. (Most are good babes though).

[newlyweds 0]

Wow, Myla... I'm sorry you are in this uncomfortable position of feeling loyalty to your sister and also caring about your brother-in-law. How long have they been married now?

Here's my honest opinion - since you don't know for certain what your sister is up to, and since Tom seems to know the score between himself and his wife, I would hold off on saying anything. Before you do say something to Tom, you should confront your sister on the phone and then ask her. If she is in fact, in another relationship, then tell her that she needs to come forward to tell Tom. I'd even give her the ultimatum that if she doesn't tell him, then you will.

i agree with this, talk with her first then tell if she wont tell tom and let him move on with his life, then you will. She(your cousin) knows what she is doing and all consequences of her actions are expected, so she shouldnt be surprised what might transpire.

It is so sad there are many people like that in our country, as I for one know people like that, not necesarily close acquaintances but just random people I hear loudly talking in internet cafes. And, they would so openly proudly say that "the old man"is sending them money again, yes women who are younger would always go after the morbidly obese, or older men, it's like a trend for these scammers. 

I've even met people encouraging me to do the same back then when DSL wasnt available in our city, i'd get online at internet cafes.. and it's that very reason , why these people have ruined the filipinas reputation amongst foreigners. The worst thing though is when you really do meet people who are scammers, there's not much you can do because it's their life, but there's such a thing as karma.. That is why, filipinas must be careful in the men they choose, and USCs must be careful because women can be very vile and manipulative.

You're cousin better think it thoroughly because Tom is very much inlove with her and martyr enough, he seems very passive; who knows what might happen if he just gets fed up.. Your cousin is more like an ingrate, and she deserves a lesson, as the song goes, what goes around comes around. 

to the OP, I admire your campassion towards Tom, the best thing you can tell him is to move on, and be prepared for whatever happens, if she finds it in her heart to let him go. I feel bad for Tom, but you know what, Tom sounds like he's a good catch, he'll be rewarded for being nice to her still.

[Nessa 23]

i think he knows what's going on and pretends he doesnt because he's agfraid he;ll lose the pus$y